Right now I'm sitting at home, listening to the '80s channel on MusicChoice.
I normally would be running out my front door, making a mad dash for my truck so I could make it to work on time. But I don't need to do that today. Or for that matter, any day in the near future.
I never thought it would ever happen to me, but the long arm of the unemployment fairy clubbered me over the head. I was one of a few dozen employees at my job to be cut down by the awful recession.
Me, of all people.
I say that, not because I think I deserved to stay and others deserved to get the 'ol heave-ho before me. I would never say that - out loud. No, I know losing my job had nothing to do with my work performance or skills. Hell, I worked over 60 hours on my job every week. It was just the person I am. For some reason, my obsessive compulsion nature (a well hidden secret - or so I hope) put myself in the mind frame that if I worked my 40 hours weekly, I was cheating myself out of something. I know it's weird, and I never really wanted people to know that I do have that obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't even think my best friends in my life know that about me. Well, my best friend for almost 30 years knows this about me, and likely my sister (whom I consider one of my best friends) knows it, too. I've tried to never discuss it; I think it's one of the most embarrassing things about me. And those who know me are aware that I like to put on a good impression and appearance.
So right now, slowly all of those obsessive compulsive idiosyncracies of mine are, little by little, resurfacing. When I was working 60-plus hours a week, it was easy to disguise these qualities in me. But as I've gone from working 60-plus hours a week to zero, it's very difficult to keep those traits at bay. I'm trying my best, but as one of those traits for me is never being able to sleep, that is the most important issue to correct. I haven't slept in a few days, but I've always only needed to sleep 3 or 4 hours a day anyway. I'm not worried yet - I think.
I guess the truth is that I also feel guilty, a feeling I haven't felt in a little while. See, I worked like a hounddog for years, also trying to work at least 12 hours a day. If I left before 12 hours, I felt like I was cheating myself. So even when my mother was sick, I would work my ass off to forget all the craziness, because when I was working incessantly, I knew I was in control of my fate.
So now I have to realize that as I worked so long and hard, and as my mother got worse and worse, I could find solace in the fact that work was so important and even though my mother didn't like the fact that I was a workaholic like my father, she appreciated my drive. And as I know that she never blamed me for being a workaholic, I am very upset that my workaholic nature, which kept me from being with my mother when she needed me the most in her life (during her illnesses), really was for naught. The reason - no matter how much I worked on advancing my career and giving 200 percent to my job, in the blink of an eye I was cut from my job.
So now I don't have a job, and this time, which I would have loved to spend being there for my mom right now, isn't even important because my mother is gone. Boy, timing sucks sometimes.
I can't help but wonder why I'm in this position. As I recall, the famous saying is that when a door closes a window opens. But why are there bars on my windows? So the door has closed, the windows are opened. But I'm locked inside. I don't really feel too much like going outside. I mean, why go outside? I know it will make me feel better, at least that's what I've been told. But I just don't believe it, because when I've gone ouside as of late, it just feels blah.
Don't get it twisted ... I am not feeling sorry for myself, that's just not me. But I am feeling a tornado of feelings, and I'm not sure what they are and how to stop them from overflooding me.
Time, I know, time will change things. Lord, I hope time will make me feel better. I'm confident it will, and I'll keep telling myself that.
I know one thing is a definite ... all crazy, drama-filled guys who think I'm an easy target right now - beware! I know I enjoy the company of gentlemen, but rest assured (and be forewarned) that I am in no mood to put up with any crap from any of you.
So don't try to get to me with anything less than a sincere, honest approach. And don't venture into my fortress unless you are indeed a prince. Because just as always, toads will get squashed.
I've cleansed myself of all the toads in my life. And to make it a done deal, I've gone through my cell phone and black book, and have erased your numbers from both.
So for the stalker who keeps trying to contact me every time you run into me out around town, don't call me again.
For the guy who dresses like he's a throwback from the '80s, don't call me again.
For the couple of wishy-washy guys who try to ingratiate themselves into my life by using the "poor, pitiful me" routine and think I'm going to fall all over you in a flawed attempt to "save you from yourself", leave me alone.
And for all of the jerks who make every attempt to fool me with kind words, a genuine nature, sex appeal and winning smile, I can see right through you now. The few of you know who you are, and I'm no longer impressed.
I'm vulnerable, but I know that I am only going to date the guy who comes to me with an open mind, open heart and who I won't have to open my wallet to make him happy. He's out there, I know it. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I still know it's not hopeless.
So man of my dreams (or at least man who's not my nightmare), break down those bars on the window and come through. There is a key though, but I'll only let you have it if you're worth possessing it.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them
I was speaking to a couple of friends about the movie "Mean Girls" and we just starting laughing.
We weren't laughing about the movie, per say, but we were laughing about the fact that in Asbury Park there's a gay man or two who could actually be mistaken for the character in the movie named Regina George. Now if you haven't seen the movie, Regina George is a real bitch and tries to make others feel less-than while in her presence. She also has put together a "Burn Book", where she does a lot of trash talking about people who really have no idea they are in it. A true bitch! In fact, I guess you could actually compare that character to Christie Masters, the bitch character in the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion". But Regina George fits the description a lot better.
This gay man, it's obvious that I don't even need to say his name because everyone in Asbury Park knows who this person is. He's a good guy, but can be a real bitch who needs to feel superior to other people for what reason, I have no idea.
But the funny thing is that in the gay community, there are a lot of distinctive characteristics we fall into. A few of the gay men in the community are Regina Georges, but there's a lot more categories.
Now in my case, I fall into the category of butch. Guys like me who are butch are extremely "straight-acting" men who just happen to be gay. There's a lot of gay men in the community like me. Some of us like to go out with other "straight-acting" guys because we have a lot in common with them. But some of us like to date men who fall into other categories.
One of those categories would be queens. Now the gay men who are considered queens are the ones who, as it was said back in the day, have a lot of sugar in their tank. I really didn't know what that meant before, but I know what it means now. Queens are the guys who are effeminate and seem very flamboyant, ones who seem like they could just fly away. They are closer to feminine than anything else. Sometimes you just love to be around them; at times, though, their flamboyant nature can be a bit too much.
Bears, another category in the gay community, are just so sweet-natured and lovable. Bears are men who are a bit heavier in weight, and mostly hairy. They exude a hell of a lot of confidence in themselves and their weight, and they make their weight and hairyness something to be proud of. Also part of the bear community would be the cubs. Now cubs are simply young bears. Cubs have all the physical and mental attributes of a bear, they just aren't old enough to be a full-fledged bear. Also related to these are otters, who are slimmer and less hairy bear-admirers, and wolves are bears that are typically more aggressive and overtly masculine.
Twinks are those guys in the community who are young and free, so to speak. When I say free, I just mean that they seem like they have not a care in the world. Most times, twinks do have a lot of worries, but they seem to mask it well. But they are very young in age and carefree in their nature. These guys have such a youthful exuberance about life.
Now Broadway boys are just so special, in my opinion. They usually frequent piano bars and break out in song to the tunes of "Hello Dolly" or "Suddenly Seymour". They can sometimes be a little queeny, but for the most part, they just like to sing Broadway tunes and be a bit flamboyant about it. I just love them!
Angels are just goody-goody guys who make the gay life seem easy. They like to be the do-gooders who give their time and efforts back to the community. They'll volunteer their time to the cause, just to make things easier for others.
The troubled are just that - troubled. They like to see the negative side of being gay, and they like to make others see that side as well. Sometimes these people are too much to take, and their odd anger at being gay is just too much to take. They are troubled souls, and no matter how disappointing their lives seem to be, others can't help but want to make them see the more positive sides of being gay. And to their detriment, troubled souls love the attention. They feed off of it.
Now these definitions that I've supplied are in my opinions only. There are a lot of other categories, but for the most part, these represent the gay male community. Sometimes the categories merge - in that case, for example, a butch gay man can also be a Broadway boy. I'm that way at times, and hell, I just love it when I get that way.
So, my fellow gay men, which category do you fall into? I know some people don't like labels, but all of us can lump ourselves into one of these groups.
We weren't laughing about the movie, per say, but we were laughing about the fact that in Asbury Park there's a gay man or two who could actually be mistaken for the character in the movie named Regina George. Now if you haven't seen the movie, Regina George is a real bitch and tries to make others feel less-than while in her presence. She also has put together a "Burn Book", where she does a lot of trash talking about people who really have no idea they are in it. A true bitch! In fact, I guess you could actually compare that character to Christie Masters, the bitch character in the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion". But Regina George fits the description a lot better.
This gay man, it's obvious that I don't even need to say his name because everyone in Asbury Park knows who this person is. He's a good guy, but can be a real bitch who needs to feel superior to other people for what reason, I have no idea.
But the funny thing is that in the gay community, there are a lot of distinctive characteristics we fall into. A few of the gay men in the community are Regina Georges, but there's a lot more categories.
Now in my case, I fall into the category of butch. Guys like me who are butch are extremely "straight-acting" men who just happen to be gay. There's a lot of gay men in the community like me. Some of us like to go out with other "straight-acting" guys because we have a lot in common with them. But some of us like to date men who fall into other categories.
One of those categories would be queens. Now the gay men who are considered queens are the ones who, as it was said back in the day, have a lot of sugar in their tank. I really didn't know what that meant before, but I know what it means now. Queens are the guys who are effeminate and seem very flamboyant, ones who seem like they could just fly away. They are closer to feminine than anything else. Sometimes you just love to be around them; at times, though, their flamboyant nature can be a bit too much.
Bears, another category in the gay community, are just so sweet-natured and lovable. Bears are men who are a bit heavier in weight, and mostly hairy. They exude a hell of a lot of confidence in themselves and their weight, and they make their weight and hairyness something to be proud of. Also part of the bear community would be the cubs. Now cubs are simply young bears. Cubs have all the physical and mental attributes of a bear, they just aren't old enough to be a full-fledged bear. Also related to these are otters, who are slimmer and less hairy bear-admirers, and wolves are bears that are typically more aggressive and overtly masculine.
Twinks are those guys in the community who are young and free, so to speak. When I say free, I just mean that they seem like they have not a care in the world. Most times, twinks do have a lot of worries, but they seem to mask it well. But they are very young in age and carefree in their nature. These guys have such a youthful exuberance about life.
Now Broadway boys are just so special, in my opinion. They usually frequent piano bars and break out in song to the tunes of "Hello Dolly" or "Suddenly Seymour". They can sometimes be a little queeny, but for the most part, they just like to sing Broadway tunes and be a bit flamboyant about it. I just love them!
Angels are just goody-goody guys who make the gay life seem easy. They like to be the do-gooders who give their time and efforts back to the community. They'll volunteer their time to the cause, just to make things easier for others.
The troubled are just that - troubled. They like to see the negative side of being gay, and they like to make others see that side as well. Sometimes these people are too much to take, and their odd anger at being gay is just too much to take. They are troubled souls, and no matter how disappointing their lives seem to be, others can't help but want to make them see the more positive sides of being gay. And to their detriment, troubled souls love the attention. They feed off of it.
Now these definitions that I've supplied are in my opinions only. There are a lot of other categories, but for the most part, these represent the gay male community. Sometimes the categories merge - in that case, for example, a butch gay man can also be a Broadway boy. I'm that way at times, and hell, I just love it when I get that way.
So, my fellow gay men, which category do you fall into? I know some people don't like labels, but all of us can lump ourselves into one of these groups.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Take the mask off ... it's really okay to show your vulnerable side
Well another PRIDE weekend has come and gone. And this one was different than the other ones I've experienced in Asbury Park.
The reason: I've finally realized that it is okay to take my mask off and show my vulnerability. I've been feeling like I should not show my vulnerable side because men who I'm interested in will take it for granted.
I don't care if they can't handle that characteristic in me ... no longer will I care. I have to be myself, and not care what the guy thinks of me. Hell, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and this old dog ain't gonna learn any new tricks.
I think I've been going about things all wrong in my pursuit of a relationship. I've been trying to change myself to mold into a caricature of what will please that guy and not being true to myself. And it struck me as weird that I never realized that even though I do control my own destiny, there is no need at all to settle for something less-than in any relationship. I've been settling, and that crap stops right now.
And I've realized other men may be doing the same thing. My advice to them would be to take themselves off the clearance rack, stop marking their self-worth down to a lower price range, and put themselves behind the glass case. When someone wants to choose them - the item in the glass case - they will know they are not picking you off the clearance rack.
Yesterday while enjoying my PRIDE weekend I encountered three different men. One man, I've been fooling around with behind closed doors. I've developed feelings for him, despite all efforts to avoid it. I'm not in love with him or anything like that. I've just begun to feel some feelings for him.
I ran into him while enjoying the festivities, and he seemed to be apprehensive when we spoke. We only spoke briefly, but in that short minute it hit me. I realized that although I have begun to have some type of feelings for this gentleman, I knew - in that brief minute - that he has other obligations in his life and there is no future at all for me in his life ... other than a fling. That's how he sees me, and I know now that in his life, there is no room for anything but a casual dalliance.
When I left him, I kissed him. And in that kiss, I knew it had to be goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss. It's sad when reality slaps you in the face, but to be honest we were, as Air Supply sings, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". And I deserve a hell of a lot more. Especially since I know that if my mama were alive, she'd slap me silly for ever settling for second best.
The second man I ran into yesterday is a good friend of mine. He's an enigma of sorts. He's sexy, in a downplayed sort of way. He always makes me laugh ... the type of guy who everyone loves to be around. But while speaking to him, I realized that even though he's a sweet-natured guy who has a big heart, he doesn't want anyone to know it. He's comfortable with people thinking he's a cad, a guy who just wants people to think he has no feelings at all. But when you look in this man's eyes, you can see into his soul. There is so much more to this man than meets the eye. But he has this mask, of sorts, that hides his inner-self from being exposed.
I really wish he'd open himself up and let people see the true man that he is. But that's the way it is for a lot of gay men. I told him it's okay to show his vulnerable side, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I hope he figures out what I've come to learn. I've learned that it's okay to take the mask off, and it's really okay to show your vulnerable side.
My PRIDE weekend ended with, perhaps, the saddest encounter with a guy. This young man has a lot to offer people. But sadly he has no idea of his self-worth. It's unfortunate because he knows that he thinks he has to buy friendship in this city. He knows it, and even admitted it to me. I found this all too unsettling.
I wanted to hug this young man and just try to make him understand that there is no reason to do that. So as I spoke these words to him, he just would not believe it. He told me that even though he does feel like he needs to buy people respect, admiration and friendship, he knows that people don't like him because he has nothing to offer people other than becoming a dollar sign and buying friends.
This young man just wants to make friends - that's all. I told him that he'll find his patch of golden girls ... I did, and thank my lucky stars every day that my golden girls are in my life.
Alas, he didn't believe me. I fear for this young man, because he's at a vulnerable stage in his gay life. He even said to me that if he just up and died, people wouldn't even notice he was gone. This breaks my heart, especially since he said his parents don't even talk to him anymore because he's gay.
I never mention people in my blog by name ... that's my policy, and this is no exception. I wish that I could reveal this guy's name, because I think that people would show him how much they care about him - as a person, not as a walking, talking wallet.
I will keep a close eye on this person, because I think that everyone in the community should "gay it forward". It was done for me, and I'm gonna make sure it's done for him as well.
But this PRIDE weekend was a true experience for me, and I'm happy that I've made it through another one, not battered but brighter. And smarter.
The reason: I've finally realized that it is okay to take my mask off and show my vulnerability. I've been feeling like I should not show my vulnerable side because men who I'm interested in will take it for granted.
I don't care if they can't handle that characteristic in me ... no longer will I care. I have to be myself, and not care what the guy thinks of me. Hell, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and this old dog ain't gonna learn any new tricks.
I think I've been going about things all wrong in my pursuit of a relationship. I've been trying to change myself to mold into a caricature of what will please that guy and not being true to myself. And it struck me as weird that I never realized that even though I do control my own destiny, there is no need at all to settle for something less-than in any relationship. I've been settling, and that crap stops right now.
And I've realized other men may be doing the same thing. My advice to them would be to take themselves off the clearance rack, stop marking their self-worth down to a lower price range, and put themselves behind the glass case. When someone wants to choose them - the item in the glass case - they will know they are not picking you off the clearance rack.
Yesterday while enjoying my PRIDE weekend I encountered three different men. One man, I've been fooling around with behind closed doors. I've developed feelings for him, despite all efforts to avoid it. I'm not in love with him or anything like that. I've just begun to feel some feelings for him.
I ran into him while enjoying the festivities, and he seemed to be apprehensive when we spoke. We only spoke briefly, but in that short minute it hit me. I realized that although I have begun to have some type of feelings for this gentleman, I knew - in that brief minute - that he has other obligations in his life and there is no future at all for me in his life ... other than a fling. That's how he sees me, and I know now that in his life, there is no room for anything but a casual dalliance.
When I left him, I kissed him. And in that kiss, I knew it had to be goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss. It's sad when reality slaps you in the face, but to be honest we were, as Air Supply sings, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". And I deserve a hell of a lot more. Especially since I know that if my mama were alive, she'd slap me silly for ever settling for second best.
The second man I ran into yesterday is a good friend of mine. He's an enigma of sorts. He's sexy, in a downplayed sort of way. He always makes me laugh ... the type of guy who everyone loves to be around. But while speaking to him, I realized that even though he's a sweet-natured guy who has a big heart, he doesn't want anyone to know it. He's comfortable with people thinking he's a cad, a guy who just wants people to think he has no feelings at all. But when you look in this man's eyes, you can see into his soul. There is so much more to this man than meets the eye. But he has this mask, of sorts, that hides his inner-self from being exposed.
I really wish he'd open himself up and let people see the true man that he is. But that's the way it is for a lot of gay men. I told him it's okay to show his vulnerable side, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I hope he figures out what I've come to learn. I've learned that it's okay to take the mask off, and it's really okay to show your vulnerable side.
My PRIDE weekend ended with, perhaps, the saddest encounter with a guy. This young man has a lot to offer people. But sadly he has no idea of his self-worth. It's unfortunate because he knows that he thinks he has to buy friendship in this city. He knows it, and even admitted it to me. I found this all too unsettling.
I wanted to hug this young man and just try to make him understand that there is no reason to do that. So as I spoke these words to him, he just would not believe it. He told me that even though he does feel like he needs to buy people respect, admiration and friendship, he knows that people don't like him because he has nothing to offer people other than becoming a dollar sign and buying friends.
This young man just wants to make friends - that's all. I told him that he'll find his patch of golden girls ... I did, and thank my lucky stars every day that my golden girls are in my life.
Alas, he didn't believe me. I fear for this young man, because he's at a vulnerable stage in his gay life. He even said to me that if he just up and died, people wouldn't even notice he was gone. This breaks my heart, especially since he said his parents don't even talk to him anymore because he's gay.
I never mention people in my blog by name ... that's my policy, and this is no exception. I wish that I could reveal this guy's name, because I think that people would show him how much they care about him - as a person, not as a walking, talking wallet.
I will keep a close eye on this person, because I think that everyone in the community should "gay it forward". It was done for me, and I'm gonna make sure it's done for him as well.
But this PRIDE weekend was a true experience for me, and I'm happy that I've made it through another one, not battered but brighter. And smarter.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Alone again, naturally
Right now things are very difficult for me.
Last week a member of the family passed away. She was a sweet soul, and during my time that I was very entrenched in religion she was instrumental in my journey. When I attended her funeral this week, it was a sad time. And all week, I couldn't help but feel such sadness and depression over my own mother's death a few months ago.
Constant tears have been falling. I thought I'd come to terms with my mom's death, but I haven't. I truly miss my mom. And as I know that I have an entire host of close friends and family members around me, I feel utterly alone. Not lonely, but alone.
It feels like I've been falling into a deep hole and can't get out or stop myself from falling. I need to smile and laugh so people don't sense my despair. But I can't keep things bottled up anymore.
I miss my mom and really need to hear her voice again, or just see her so we can talk about things. I took her for granted when she was alive, I guess because I always thought she'd be here for me. Looking back, she'd done a lot of selfless things for me, just to make things easier for me and because I was "her baby". Funny, it used to drive me crazy when she'd introduce me to people as her baby - her youngest child. Secretly, I really liked it because hearing her say that made me feel like she and I had a special bond.
It breaks my heart that I am no longer anyone's baby.
I know so many people in my life do understand how I'm feeling. But I can't take comfort in that because I don't want to take comfort in that. I wanted to rush home to my guy and have him hug me - just hug me. But then I realized that I don't have that person in my life right now. So no hug. :(
It's funny how when you need a simple hug and the chance to cuddle with that special someone in your life, and that person isn't there for you, it makes a situation just as harsh.
So I am trying to just keep my head above water and smile. Trust me, a hell of a lot of alcohol has helped ease all the pain. But I can't use that as a crutch anymore ... I need to come to terms with everything.
I really don't know what my next step should be.
But I just don't want to feel alone anymore. It's a terrible feeling.
Last week a member of the family passed away. She was a sweet soul, and during my time that I was very entrenched in religion she was instrumental in my journey. When I attended her funeral this week, it was a sad time. And all week, I couldn't help but feel such sadness and depression over my own mother's death a few months ago.
Constant tears have been falling. I thought I'd come to terms with my mom's death, but I haven't. I truly miss my mom. And as I know that I have an entire host of close friends and family members around me, I feel utterly alone. Not lonely, but alone.
It feels like I've been falling into a deep hole and can't get out or stop myself from falling. I need to smile and laugh so people don't sense my despair. But I can't keep things bottled up anymore.
I miss my mom and really need to hear her voice again, or just see her so we can talk about things. I took her for granted when she was alive, I guess because I always thought she'd be here for me. Looking back, she'd done a lot of selfless things for me, just to make things easier for me and because I was "her baby". Funny, it used to drive me crazy when she'd introduce me to people as her baby - her youngest child. Secretly, I really liked it because hearing her say that made me feel like she and I had a special bond.
It breaks my heart that I am no longer anyone's baby.
I know so many people in my life do understand how I'm feeling. But I can't take comfort in that because I don't want to take comfort in that. I wanted to rush home to my guy and have him hug me - just hug me. But then I realized that I don't have that person in my life right now. So no hug. :(
It's funny how when you need a simple hug and the chance to cuddle with that special someone in your life, and that person isn't there for you, it makes a situation just as harsh.
So I am trying to just keep my head above water and smile. Trust me, a hell of a lot of alcohol has helped ease all the pain. But I can't use that as a crutch anymore ... I need to come to terms with everything.
I really don't know what my next step should be.
But I just don't want to feel alone anymore. It's a terrible feeling.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Was it just a dream, or was she trying to pass along her pearls of wisdom?
I hate to admit it, but I'm one of those men who wears his heart on his sleeve.
You see, I've entered into a liaison - of sorts - with a man who I thoroughly enjoy and love spending time with as much as I possibly can. We have so much in common and he makes me smile, just by looking at me. And just when his hand touches mine, it's like electricity runs through me. The connection is extremely strong, and I even enjoy getting his text messages when we can't see each other.
Very recently, a slow song came on the radio and we just started to dance - right where we were standing. I'm sure that doesn't mean too much to some people, but that type of romantic move is something I don't usually do. I always thought doing that was somewhat hokey and lame, but I don't think that way anymore. He just, literally, swept me off my feet.
Sounds like something you only find in chick flicks or those romantic-comedy movies when the lead characters end up together in the end, after experiencing some bumps in the road and missed connections. Right?
Well that won't happen to us; we won't end up together when all is said and done. I won't go into the details why I know this will not be our destiny. Just believe me when I say that we won't end up together. I'm not being a cynical, pessimistic romantic, either. It's just the way life will happen for us.
I've had this situation on my mind a lot lately. I guess that's why I had the dream that I had last night. Although I'm not sure if it was a dream or a message.
I had a dream about my mother. As most who follow my blog already know, my mother passed away in October. I think she was giving me a message, possibly some advice, about things. I just can't recall a lot of it and I've been trying to piece it together. But I figured that I might not be able to discover the intent of the message, or if it's a message at all.
So I went about my business today. I went to boot camp (which was a real kick in my ass to get in gear). I heard the songs, "Rock Steady" by Aretha Franklin and "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. These were two of the songs that my mother used to play on Sunday mornings on her record player, I believe to get the house in good spirits. I thought it was weird to hear those songs back-to-back, but I chalked it up to just coincidence. When I sing these songs, especially for karaoke, I feel very close to my mother.
Then I went to Munch in Asbury Park to get a little breakfast. Then something odd happened. A friend of mine came in and mentioned to me that he was down Atlantic City, played the slots and didn't win. He went to the Borgata, which was my mother's place of gambling. Another person had mentioned that he was going down today and would be hanging out at Harrah's, which was my mother's other place to gamble in A.C.
It was almost as if my mom was trying to get a message to me again this morning. But I can't figure it out.
Maybe something will happen to clear a path to my understanding. Perhaps Mom is trying to offer me some words of her wisdom.
Time will tell.
You see, I've entered into a liaison - of sorts - with a man who I thoroughly enjoy and love spending time with as much as I possibly can. We have so much in common and he makes me smile, just by looking at me. And just when his hand touches mine, it's like electricity runs through me. The connection is extremely strong, and I even enjoy getting his text messages when we can't see each other.
Very recently, a slow song came on the radio and we just started to dance - right where we were standing. I'm sure that doesn't mean too much to some people, but that type of romantic move is something I don't usually do. I always thought doing that was somewhat hokey and lame, but I don't think that way anymore. He just, literally, swept me off my feet.
Sounds like something you only find in chick flicks or those romantic-comedy movies when the lead characters end up together in the end, after experiencing some bumps in the road and missed connections. Right?
Well that won't happen to us; we won't end up together when all is said and done. I won't go into the details why I know this will not be our destiny. Just believe me when I say that we won't end up together. I'm not being a cynical, pessimistic romantic, either. It's just the way life will happen for us.
I've had this situation on my mind a lot lately. I guess that's why I had the dream that I had last night. Although I'm not sure if it was a dream or a message.
I had a dream about my mother. As most who follow my blog already know, my mother passed away in October. I think she was giving me a message, possibly some advice, about things. I just can't recall a lot of it and I've been trying to piece it together. But I figured that I might not be able to discover the intent of the message, or if it's a message at all.
So I went about my business today. I went to boot camp (which was a real kick in my ass to get in gear). I heard the songs, "Rock Steady" by Aretha Franklin and "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. These were two of the songs that my mother used to play on Sunday mornings on her record player, I believe to get the house in good spirits. I thought it was weird to hear those songs back-to-back, but I chalked it up to just coincidence. When I sing these songs, especially for karaoke, I feel very close to my mother.
Then I went to Munch in Asbury Park to get a little breakfast. Then something odd happened. A friend of mine came in and mentioned to me that he was down Atlantic City, played the slots and didn't win. He went to the Borgata, which was my mother's place of gambling. Another person had mentioned that he was going down today and would be hanging out at Harrah's, which was my mother's other place to gamble in A.C.
It was almost as if my mom was trying to get a message to me again this morning. But I can't figure it out.
Maybe something will happen to clear a path to my understanding. Perhaps Mom is trying to offer me some words of her wisdom.
Time will tell.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone
This past Sunday I went to The Showroom in Asbury Park to see "Edge of Seventeen".
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I've forgotten to make sure I have a worthy back-up plan for the future
In my haste to make sure I do everything on my own, I've neglected to make sure I have some support.
Support in the form of a person who I can turn to when I get older. Someone who would be willing to share my life with me. A man who will be there for me through smooth sailing and rough waters.
Not a life partner.
But a back-up plan.
I never really thought I'd need a back-up plan. But as I get older, I realize that I don't have a significant other to take care of me if I were to get sick.
I guess it hit home for me on Friday night. I'd had a long week of working long hours and went to one of favorite restaurants, The Harrison, for dinner. (An aside - The Harrison will be going through renovations for a couple of weeks, and I hear that it will have a great new look and a new name ... stay tuned!)
But anyway, I was having dinner there, just as I do pretty much every week. And I looked around to see couples, whether in the years-long stage or the beginnings of the getting-together stage. Couples everywhere!
Hell, it looked ... well, it looked nice. Gay, straight, etc. It was just nice to see.
Initially.
And then it hit me that I wasn't one of them. I usually don't care. But for some reason it was different Friday night.
I've always said that I don't need a man to complete me, and who needs the hassles because I can do bad all by myself. In fact, I can get along without another man in my life, right?
Wrong.
I may not need a partner in my life. But I do need a back-up plan. I should have found that back-up plan when I was younger, because in gay years when you're 40 you might as well say that you are in your 50s.
The need for a back-up plan is a fact of my life that I've just been trying to ignore because that would mean I need to face reality. I never figured I'd die alone, but sooner or later reality is going to bite me on the ass and I'll have to acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will.
I have a boatload of good friends; I'm well aware that I have supportive persons out there who care about me and look out for my best interests. And I have a close-knit family who would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I'm blessed in that way, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them.
When my mother passed away a couple of months ago, she was surrounded by loving family and friends. And I know that she knew that she was loved. But am I going to have the same love surrounding me?
I don't mean family and friends - I'm sure I'll have that.
But will I have that enduring, everlasting, unconditional love that my partner would give me at that time? And if not, should I prepare myself to have a back-up, a man in my life who isn't my partner but a person who I can count on to do all the things a partner would do?
One of my old friends just acquired his back-up plan. All my thinking about this issue is thanks to him. I don't live around him anymore since I've moved to Asbury Park, but I guess in the back of my mind I always thought he'd be mine. But as of right now, he's taken. And I'm happy for him.
So begs the question - do you have a back-up plan in your life?
For me, it's the next thing on my to-do list.
Support in the form of a person who I can turn to when I get older. Someone who would be willing to share my life with me. A man who will be there for me through smooth sailing and rough waters.
Not a life partner.
But a back-up plan.
I never really thought I'd need a back-up plan. But as I get older, I realize that I don't have a significant other to take care of me if I were to get sick.
I guess it hit home for me on Friday night. I'd had a long week of working long hours and went to one of favorite restaurants, The Harrison, for dinner. (An aside - The Harrison will be going through renovations for a couple of weeks, and I hear that it will have a great new look and a new name ... stay tuned!)
But anyway, I was having dinner there, just as I do pretty much every week. And I looked around to see couples, whether in the years-long stage or the beginnings of the getting-together stage. Couples everywhere!
Hell, it looked ... well, it looked nice. Gay, straight, etc. It was just nice to see.
Initially.
And then it hit me that I wasn't one of them. I usually don't care. But for some reason it was different Friday night.
I've always said that I don't need a man to complete me, and who needs the hassles because I can do bad all by myself. In fact, I can get along without another man in my life, right?
Wrong.
I may not need a partner in my life. But I do need a back-up plan. I should have found that back-up plan when I was younger, because in gay years when you're 40 you might as well say that you are in your 50s.
The need for a back-up plan is a fact of my life that I've just been trying to ignore because that would mean I need to face reality. I never figured I'd die alone, but sooner or later reality is going to bite me on the ass and I'll have to acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will.
I have a boatload of good friends; I'm well aware that I have supportive persons out there who care about me and look out for my best interests. And I have a close-knit family who would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I'm blessed in that way, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them.
When my mother passed away a couple of months ago, she was surrounded by loving family and friends. And I know that she knew that she was loved. But am I going to have the same love surrounding me?
I don't mean family and friends - I'm sure I'll have that.
But will I have that enduring, everlasting, unconditional love that my partner would give me at that time? And if not, should I prepare myself to have a back-up, a man in my life who isn't my partner but a person who I can count on to do all the things a partner would do?
One of my old friends just acquired his back-up plan. All my thinking about this issue is thanks to him. I don't live around him anymore since I've moved to Asbury Park, but I guess in the back of my mind I always thought he'd be mine. But as of right now, he's taken. And I'm happy for him.
So begs the question - do you have a back-up plan in your life?
For me, it's the next thing on my to-do list.
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