I’m not going to lie to you, this is the second most difficult blog post I’ve ever had to write. The hardest one for me to write to date was one from about six years ago, the one I penned the night before my mother’s funeral.
I just knew, well actually prayed, that no other blog would be even close to that one’s difficulty. This one, is that one. The one that comes extremely close. The one I prayed I’d never have to write.
Early Sunday morning, in a nightclub – Pulse – in Orlando, Fla., individuals were all enjoying a night of celebrating life, dancing, having fun with their friends at the gay club. The same thing we do here in Asbury Park, as well as every city/town across the globe. My fellow LGBTQ brothers and sisters at Pulse were not aware of what would transpire before the nightclub announced last call. Sadly, a gunman knew exactly what would happen.
As the gunman opened fire, he destroyed the dreams, hopes, prayers and the lives of over 100 people.
At this point, this is what is known:
Gunman Omar Mateen killed 49 people and injured 53 others when he opened fire at the popular gay nightclub. Mateen was fatally shot by police;
Police have notified the next of kin for nearly all of the victims;
The FBI had questioned Mateen twice in the past, but he still legally obtained guns;
President Barack Obama said there were no links to a larger terror plot but that Mateen was inspired by “extremist information.”
So many lives were destroyed for what some may never know. This person, we’ve been told, had been to the nightclub numerous times and even reached out to some other gay men on social hook-up sites. Was he gay? Was he confused? Was he tortured in his younger years growing up?
I don’t know, and this is one gay man who doesn’t care! I don’t care what happened to Mateen in his life. I don’t care what he went through. I don’t care what forced him to do such a senseless, cowardice act. I just don’t give a damn.
This will be the last time I mention this monster’s name. He’s been given too much publicity, and I refuse to give him any further credence to live in infamy. He doesn’t deserve it. As a journalist, I have to lay out the facts as near as I can get them, which is why I had to mention the bastard.
I’ve had to stop and start writing this blog a number of times over the past couple of days. My mind just cannot wrap itself around why this happened. I do have one opinion, and it is something we may all have had to face. The LGBTQ community is in danger. We are being targeted for being who we are, and there are a lot of people out there who just do not like us, who hate us.
Not a lot of things frighten me, because I’ve been taught to never fear anything but fear itself. But I have to admit this, which is hard for me to do … I’m frightened. And I know too well that I am not alone in that feeling.
When I first heard about this tragic turn of events, I was flabbergasted, just totally in shock. As events unfolded throughout Sunday, I got mad, angry, tortured. I didn’t cry, mainly because I knew that I had to be strong for my many, many friends who would need a strong shoulder. I also didn’t want to break down in front of others. I’m not totally sure why; that’s just the way I was brought up.
Speaking with so many others that day, we all knew that we needed one another in a way that we may have never had to before. I have a tight-knit group of friends, as well as love and caring friendships for so many others. Sunday evening something very special happened … we brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community, as well as our fabulous heterosexual friends in the community who love and adore us, took a stand. A candlelight vigil was held at Paradise, Georgies and Hotel Tides – the three powerhouse LGBTQ and LGBTQ-friendly establishments in Asbury Park, and we all showed support for the Pulse Orlando victims, their families and friends whose lives were forever changed.
It was solidarity. It was something that we in the LGBTQ community do oh so well. We back each other up, support one another, give of ourselves for our LGBTQ family members in need, and we do something oh so fabulously as well – we come out swinging! It was so great to see it.
Then Monday morning arrived, and I woke up crying. Couldn’t stop crying. As I tried to write my blog that morning, it was impossible. Doing research online for the facts was just an impossible mission. Everywhere I looked, on social media sites, the tragedy was all around. Then I viewed a number of asses who were posting negativity about my community, and I just lost it.
I couldn’t write about the tragedy; all I could do was wipe away angry tears. I had no idea how I would be able to accurately cover the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history, one that targeted innocent people just like me, a gay person. All I could do is stop writing and regroup, in other words, watch a few episodes of “The Facts of Life”. After all, when that show was on the air – one of my favorites – all I needed to do in my life was do chores, go to school, play kickball with my team at the park, get good grades, and watch TV. I so desperately needed that time to return. Who knew growing up and being a responsible adult would hurt my heart as it was since the mass shooting?
I couldn’t stop there. I had to watch a slew of episodes of “The Golden Girls”, “Designing Women”, “Kate and Allie” and “Fame” – the shows that made me smile and not worry about life and death.
And now as I write this, I feel a bit regrouped. I’m ready to get moving and joining my LGBTQ brothers and sisters in our next move. My heart goes out to everyone affected by the Orlando shootings. And now it’s time for action.
There will be a lot of benefits, fundraisers, support systems in the next few days and beyond to assist our LGBTQ brothers and sisters in Orlando. We know how to come together, and we do it better than any other group. And I know that I need to do more. We can do more. We can make certain that not only our voices but also our spirits make a dent in the laws that protect us when it’s convenient for the political leaders.
I don’t know if they know it, or perhaps our country’s leaders may be in denial, but when the vast members of the LGBTQ community set their minds on getting something done, WE GET IT DONE! We don’t stop until we get changes made, and it’s time. It’s time for us to make things happen, to help protect us. We need to do it for us, our LGBTQ community. Because if we don’t do it, who will?
We are not second-class citizens, and we shouldn’t be shoved into the background and treated as less-than. We need to hold Senate, Congress, the future president, his or her staff, every single politician on the ropes, hold their feet to the fire and make sure they know that if any of them want to continue to have any say in our future, they need to answer to us. Do you know that as of now, the millions of members of the LGBTQ community, along with our allies, hold enough clout to make a difference in all elections? We hold enough clout to change the gun laws. We hold enough clout to make sure the candidate we want to lose the presidential election actually loses. We hold enough clout to make the LGBTQ community a force to be reckoned with.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hop up on my soapbox. But there are a slew of leaders in the LGBTQ community who want to make changes, by any means necessary. And I intend to be one of them.
Please, please don’t let the victims who lost their lives in that nightclub in Orlando die in vain. We are a strong, united community, all across the globe, and it’s time that everyone knows that we are tired of putting up with being victimized. No more. No more of it.
We can celebrate life by partying, clubbing, having the time of our lives. But let’s also join our LGBTQ leaders in making a powerful difference. Because remember this – the tragedy in Orlando could have happened in Asbury Park, Philadelphia, Manhattan, Rehobeth, P-town, Fire Island, Vancouver, New Hope, West Hollywood, the list goes on and on.
Let’s not let this tragedy ever happen again. Let’s make a change. We owe it to them; we owe it to everyone who was in that nightclub.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Don't let anyone steal your PRIDE - no matter what you have to do to keep it!
I think everyone who knows me pretty well knows that I’m always so psyched over PRIDE festivities, no matter where they are. Celebrating PRIDE is what makes me tick, what gets my juices revving, what I live for each year. I am so happy that PRIDE Month is here, and I want to do everything I can do to honor everything about it.
I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this year PRIDE in Asbury Park wasn’t exactly what I had expected. I had fun, but I felt like I was in need of doing something much more earth-shattering. I don't know what I could’ve done to celebrate it any grander.
I mean, the parade, despite rainfall, turned into a good time, as the rain passed right before the parade commenced. Someone was shining over it. After all, some joke that my motto is “Everyone loves a parade”, and it’s the truth. There were various parties that were a lot of fun, and I had a good time at each event.
I think that one thing that did put a damper on my PRIDE was a person I feel pretty close with caused a lot of drama, and I felt like I was caught in between a rock and a hard place. I never like feeling that way, because growing up with parents who fought every hour of the day, I always feel like I had to be the peacemaker. And trust me, that is a really rough place for a youngster to be.
That’s why, despite the occasional appearance of Miss Bernadine and her now-famous temper, I try to be a peacemaker. I hate to have that duty in some situations, but if you grew up in a household where the heads of that household argued relentlessly and never spoke except through yells, it’s an inevitable role you’ll fall into.
PRIDE weekend in Asbury Park, for me, is my “coming out” birthday. This year marked 15 years for me. I think that’s why it meant so much to me and I put a lot of emphasis on it. I needed it to be as best as it could be. You see, by coming out, I had given up a lot but I was happy that despite giving up so much, I was also gaining so much.
I was gaining my freedom to be who I wanted to be, who I was born to be. I was gaining a slew of friends in my gay world, who I just knew would have my back because we stick together. We all have war stories, and we’ve all had to deal with struggles to be who we are. I was gaining a sense of purpose in my life. But above all else, I was gaining pride in myself and learning how to love myself as a gay man.
In the process of my transformation, I was also losing a lot. I knew that despite my strong desire to be a drag performer, my mother, despite being okay with her son being gay, she would never accept her gay son in a dress. So I honored that wish – thus ending Olivia Twisted’s career.
I was also going to have to give up my life as a religious leader in my church. Such lifestyle was not acceptable. I had devoted so much of my life to religion, and doing so much in my religious life to make the leaders proud of me. I have to be honest, there has been a number of tough struggles I’ve faced in my life, and I always have a nagging feeling that by choosing to live my life as the gay man I was born as, I am always being punished for it. I don’t tell that to people, because that is an awful feeling to have in your life. But I guess I need to say it now, because there may be others who feel that way sometimes. It can depress you more than anything, and it can make you feel less-than.
I also lost a couple of friends by coming out. They were two of my best friends, both heterosexual. It’s very funny to reflect on it now, because the male best friend just couldn’t accept my lifestyle and it hindered our friendship; we hardly speak to this day. The other friend, a female, I knew that she loved me and always had my back. But she was torn between my friend’s prejudice of me, and my desire for her to choose between us. I felt like she ultimately chose him, and our friendship suffered. She has since passed away, and not one day goes by that I don’t miss her and regret my decision to let her go and let her be best friends with him without putting her in the middle any longer.
For all of those reasons, and a few others, PRIDE celebrations mean so much to me.
So when I was put in the middle of a terrible situation this PRIDE weekend, it tore me apart. And realizing that this person who I’ve grown to care about might not have cared how much of a terrible situation I was being forced into, it hurt me. He alienated so many people in my life, and it was painfully obvious that I can no longer let this person be a significant part of my life. He caused too much damage, and I have to acknowledge that he will never get it, no matter how many people try to explain it to him.
When you’ve spent your entire life being the peacemaker in really stressful situations, you get plain tired of having that role. And I am tired of having that role.
I guess this PRIDE weekend showed me that I can no longer be cornered in a place where I lose my PRIDE and my exquisite love for PRIDE (both the festivities and in myself). So I am so very thankful that my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community always pull together to put on a great weekend – from Tea dances at The Asbury (the new hotel in Asbury Park) and Paradise; to the pool parties at Hotel Tides and Paradise; to the drag performances and dance parties at Georgies and Paradise. We all came together to support each other and show our PRIDE. I was so happy to drive the Hotel Tides car in the parade, and so proud that each year I get to share the ride with my best friend Ryan and the Pink Prom’s king and queen. I get to enjoy Pink Prom, my fundraising baby, all over again as the crowned king and queen ride in the parade with us. I’m also happy that I get the chance to celebrate with those friends who I don’t get to see as much as I’d like.
This year I was going through a couple of professional struggles, so I guess that’s why I needed my personal situations to be on-point this PRIDE weekend. And also why having to come to the realization that it’s that time to cut someone loose is especially painful for me.
But … let’s make PRIDE Month a great and enjoyable time for everyone. No need for chaos, confusion or turmoil. Personally, I need nothing but celebration for myself and my fellow LGBTQ community members. I just haven’t got time for the pain.
(**Editor’s note: This blog post also begins a slight revamp for my blog detailing the goings-on in Asbury Park’s LGBTQ community, as my blog’s name has changed. A few more changes forthcoming …)
I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this year PRIDE in Asbury Park wasn’t exactly what I had expected. I had fun, but I felt like I was in need of doing something much more earth-shattering. I don't know what I could’ve done to celebrate it any grander.
I mean, the parade, despite rainfall, turned into a good time, as the rain passed right before the parade commenced. Someone was shining over it. After all, some joke that my motto is “Everyone loves a parade”, and it’s the truth. There were various parties that were a lot of fun, and I had a good time at each event.
I think that one thing that did put a damper on my PRIDE was a person I feel pretty close with caused a lot of drama, and I felt like I was caught in between a rock and a hard place. I never like feeling that way, because growing up with parents who fought every hour of the day, I always feel like I had to be the peacemaker. And trust me, that is a really rough place for a youngster to be.
That’s why, despite the occasional appearance of Miss Bernadine and her now-famous temper, I try to be a peacemaker. I hate to have that duty in some situations, but if you grew up in a household where the heads of that household argued relentlessly and never spoke except through yells, it’s an inevitable role you’ll fall into.
PRIDE weekend in Asbury Park, for me, is my “coming out” birthday. This year marked 15 years for me. I think that’s why it meant so much to me and I put a lot of emphasis on it. I needed it to be as best as it could be. You see, by coming out, I had given up a lot but I was happy that despite giving up so much, I was also gaining so much.
I was gaining my freedom to be who I wanted to be, who I was born to be. I was gaining a slew of friends in my gay world, who I just knew would have my back because we stick together. We all have war stories, and we’ve all had to deal with struggles to be who we are. I was gaining a sense of purpose in my life. But above all else, I was gaining pride in myself and learning how to love myself as a gay man.
In the process of my transformation, I was also losing a lot. I knew that despite my strong desire to be a drag performer, my mother, despite being okay with her son being gay, she would never accept her gay son in a dress. So I honored that wish – thus ending Olivia Twisted’s career.
I was also going to have to give up my life as a religious leader in my church. Such lifestyle was not acceptable. I had devoted so much of my life to religion, and doing so much in my religious life to make the leaders proud of me. I have to be honest, there has been a number of tough struggles I’ve faced in my life, and I always have a nagging feeling that by choosing to live my life as the gay man I was born as, I am always being punished for it. I don’t tell that to people, because that is an awful feeling to have in your life. But I guess I need to say it now, because there may be others who feel that way sometimes. It can depress you more than anything, and it can make you feel less-than.
I also lost a couple of friends by coming out. They were two of my best friends, both heterosexual. It’s very funny to reflect on it now, because the male best friend just couldn’t accept my lifestyle and it hindered our friendship; we hardly speak to this day. The other friend, a female, I knew that she loved me and always had my back. But she was torn between my friend’s prejudice of me, and my desire for her to choose between us. I felt like she ultimately chose him, and our friendship suffered. She has since passed away, and not one day goes by that I don’t miss her and regret my decision to let her go and let her be best friends with him without putting her in the middle any longer.
For all of those reasons, and a few others, PRIDE celebrations mean so much to me.
So when I was put in the middle of a terrible situation this PRIDE weekend, it tore me apart. And realizing that this person who I’ve grown to care about might not have cared how much of a terrible situation I was being forced into, it hurt me. He alienated so many people in my life, and it was painfully obvious that I can no longer let this person be a significant part of my life. He caused too much damage, and I have to acknowledge that he will never get it, no matter how many people try to explain it to him.
When you’ve spent your entire life being the peacemaker in really stressful situations, you get plain tired of having that role. And I am tired of having that role.
I guess this PRIDE weekend showed me that I can no longer be cornered in a place where I lose my PRIDE and my exquisite love for PRIDE (both the festivities and in myself). So I am so very thankful that my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community always pull together to put on a great weekend – from Tea dances at The Asbury (the new hotel in Asbury Park) and Paradise; to the pool parties at Hotel Tides and Paradise; to the drag performances and dance parties at Georgies and Paradise. We all came together to support each other and show our PRIDE. I was so happy to drive the Hotel Tides car in the parade, and so proud that each year I get to share the ride with my best friend Ryan and the Pink Prom’s king and queen. I get to enjoy Pink Prom, my fundraising baby, all over again as the crowned king and queen ride in the parade with us. I’m also happy that I get the chance to celebrate with those friends who I don’t get to see as much as I’d like.
This year I was going through a couple of professional struggles, so I guess that’s why I needed my personal situations to be on-point this PRIDE weekend. And also why having to come to the realization that it’s that time to cut someone loose is especially painful for me.
But … let’s make PRIDE Month a great and enjoyable time for everyone. No need for chaos, confusion or turmoil. Personally, I need nothing but celebration for myself and my fellow LGBTQ community members. I just haven’t got time for the pain.
(**Editor’s note: This blog post also begins a slight revamp for my blog detailing the goings-on in Asbury Park’s LGBTQ community, as my blog’s name has changed. A few more changes forthcoming …)
Monday, April 4, 2016
A challenge to our younger generation: Get moving, before you are left behind
I won’t make this blog too long, because I want to make sure I am able to hold everyone’s attention span because this one will be sort of like a Public Service Announcement.
Last week the LGBTQ community lost one of its own, a true spirited soul who grabbed life by the balls and, with a smile, dazzling bowtie/sneaker combo and no complaints, lived life. Her name is Pat, and when she passed away, everyone who knew her felt it strongly. This was a woman who knew about our history, LIVED the history and the struggles, and always made everyone – including the younger generations – know that just because being gay is tough right now, it does, indeed get better.
She was a testament that true love can conquer all. After years of being separated by some forces beyond control, she was reunited with the love of her life. I’m not going to go into details – that’s her and her partners’ story to share. If you knew the story, you’d feel just how I feel … that true love can conquer all, and there is hope for me that I will find true love also.
Okay, that is just a smidgen of Pat’s life. And what she accomplished during her life in the LGBTQ community is something that inspired me to follow suit and do things to continue the struggle and try to make things better for gay people coming up behind me. Not only Pat, but a slew of other LGBTQ community members served as a role model for myself and others my age to do whatever we needed to do to make things a bit lighter for our younger members.
So, in 2010 I spearheaded a four-part series in my newspaper, the Asbury Park Press, to promote all of the good work, struggles and inspirational moves by the members in Asbury Park’s LGBTQ community to advance and enhance life in our city. I was surprised that my effort was the first one to do an entire series on our community, in our community’s paper. I also started one of the city’s first blogs devoted to the LGBTQ community. And in 2013, I founded Asbury Park’s Pink Prom, a fabulous event to celebrate our lives and give all proceeds raised to a deserving LGBTQ organization. Now, in its fourth year, I am proud of all that it has accomplished.
I’ve done exactly what I wanted to do, to pick up the torch and give back to our community. I learned so much from those people who’ve come before me, and I have passed it on. And so many others in my age group have also done so much to do the same.
Now, I am not coming down on our younger generation in the LGBTQ community. Especially since there are groups out there like the PRIDE Network and Project R.E.A.L. (just to name a couple of them – there are more) who are continuing the struggle and making sure life for the LGBTQ community continues to prosper. But I have to say, I’ve been worried. If it were not for organizations that I’ve named, along with a few others, I’d be downright petrified.
But, where are all of the other younger generations making strides to help young members of the community, and what are the young people doing to make sure that life continues to prosper for young gay members?
Young people – have you asked yourselves: “What am I doing to not only party and have a good time, but what am I doing to continue to battle the struggles, what am I giving back to make things great for my fellow younger gay communities, and what should I be doing to pick up that torch that is going to be left blazing by my fellow gay brothers and sisters as they pass on?”
Young people, take it from me, just because gay marriage is legal, and some other outrages have been rectified for gays, it by no means lets us off the hook. We still have so many struggles that we MUST overcome … have any been following what has been going in North Carolina?
Well guess what … North Carolina might be just the beginning of the backslide. Who know what else will cross our paths to put our LGBTQ community behind the eight-ball? We could be in for a whole different type of struggle, and I know that partying and having fun with life is a great way to live – I’d be a liar if I reprimanded anyone for doing that. That, my friends, is something I love to do, and I won’t stop doing it until I am six-feet under, believe me. But I, myself, have also been doing things to help our community.
Young people, here’s a challenge. Take a long look in the mirror, and ask yourselves: “Am I doing anything right now to help my fellow gays, so that the struggle for us will be a little lighter?” If you can wholeheartedly answer “Yes,” then I am so very proud of you!
But if you wholeheartedly answer “No, but it’s okay because there are others out there doing things; they will make sure everything is okay for us,” then I cannot say that I am that proud of you. Point being – it takes a village. And if you are content with letting others do all of the work, then what benefits are you truly reaping?
This blog post is not a way of coming down on the younger generation, although it might seem that way. Nor is it a way of tooting my own horn. My reason for posting this is not only to give props to younger members in the LGBTQ community for helping to overcome our struggles, but also to challenge those not yet making a difference to make a difference.
It’s time to make a difference, people. Actually, it’s way past time.
Last week the LGBTQ community lost one of its own, a true spirited soul who grabbed life by the balls and, with a smile, dazzling bowtie/sneaker combo and no complaints, lived life. Her name is Pat, and when she passed away, everyone who knew her felt it strongly. This was a woman who knew about our history, LIVED the history and the struggles, and always made everyone – including the younger generations – know that just because being gay is tough right now, it does, indeed get better.
She was a testament that true love can conquer all. After years of being separated by some forces beyond control, she was reunited with the love of her life. I’m not going to go into details – that’s her and her partners’ story to share. If you knew the story, you’d feel just how I feel … that true love can conquer all, and there is hope for me that I will find true love also.
Okay, that is just a smidgen of Pat’s life. And what she accomplished during her life in the LGBTQ community is something that inspired me to follow suit and do things to continue the struggle and try to make things better for gay people coming up behind me. Not only Pat, but a slew of other LGBTQ community members served as a role model for myself and others my age to do whatever we needed to do to make things a bit lighter for our younger members.
So, in 2010 I spearheaded a four-part series in my newspaper, the Asbury Park Press, to promote all of the good work, struggles and inspirational moves by the members in Asbury Park’s LGBTQ community to advance and enhance life in our city. I was surprised that my effort was the first one to do an entire series on our community, in our community’s paper. I also started one of the city’s first blogs devoted to the LGBTQ community. And in 2013, I founded Asbury Park’s Pink Prom, a fabulous event to celebrate our lives and give all proceeds raised to a deserving LGBTQ organization. Now, in its fourth year, I am proud of all that it has accomplished.
I’ve done exactly what I wanted to do, to pick up the torch and give back to our community. I learned so much from those people who’ve come before me, and I have passed it on. And so many others in my age group have also done so much to do the same.
Now, I am not coming down on our younger generation in the LGBTQ community. Especially since there are groups out there like the PRIDE Network and Project R.E.A.L. (just to name a couple of them – there are more) who are continuing the struggle and making sure life for the LGBTQ community continues to prosper. But I have to say, I’ve been worried. If it were not for organizations that I’ve named, along with a few others, I’d be downright petrified.
But, where are all of the other younger generations making strides to help young members of the community, and what are the young people doing to make sure that life continues to prosper for young gay members?
Young people – have you asked yourselves: “What am I doing to not only party and have a good time, but what am I doing to continue to battle the struggles, what am I giving back to make things great for my fellow younger gay communities, and what should I be doing to pick up that torch that is going to be left blazing by my fellow gay brothers and sisters as they pass on?”
Young people, take it from me, just because gay marriage is legal, and some other outrages have been rectified for gays, it by no means lets us off the hook. We still have so many struggles that we MUST overcome … have any been following what has been going in North Carolina?
Well guess what … North Carolina might be just the beginning of the backslide. Who know what else will cross our paths to put our LGBTQ community behind the eight-ball? We could be in for a whole different type of struggle, and I know that partying and having fun with life is a great way to live – I’d be a liar if I reprimanded anyone for doing that. That, my friends, is something I love to do, and I won’t stop doing it until I am six-feet under, believe me. But I, myself, have also been doing things to help our community.
Young people, here’s a challenge. Take a long look in the mirror, and ask yourselves: “Am I doing anything right now to help my fellow gays, so that the struggle for us will be a little lighter?” If you can wholeheartedly answer “Yes,” then I am so very proud of you!
But if you wholeheartedly answer “No, but it’s okay because there are others out there doing things; they will make sure everything is okay for us,” then I cannot say that I am that proud of you. Point being – it takes a village. And if you are content with letting others do all of the work, then what benefits are you truly reaping?
This blog post is not a way of coming down on the younger generation, although it might seem that way. Nor is it a way of tooting my own horn. My reason for posting this is not only to give props to younger members in the LGBTQ community for helping to overcome our struggles, but also to challenge those not yet making a difference to make a difference.
It’s time to make a difference, people. Actually, it’s way past time.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
If you don't know how to act properly at a drag show, then stay the hell home
Have you ever seen the popular gay film, “Torch Song Trilogy?”
If you haven’t, you should really think about turning in your gay card. The film is, hands down, one of the best LGBTQ films ever made, let alone one of the best films period. True, in my estimation it is one of the best films, and since this is my blog, what I say goes.
But there is a scene in the film that is very topical currently for a number of reasons. The scene to which I’m referring is when Arnold, aka female impersonator Virginia Ham (performed flawlessly by Harvey Fierstien), is doing one of her numbers in the club, and a group of male hustlers (one of which is portrayed by Matthew Broderick) begin heckling and causing a major disturbance. The group is manhandling Virginia, shouting obscenities and trying to embarrass her.
At this point, one of the regular patrons – who thoroughly enjoys Virginia’s and the other drag queens’ performances – is so disgusted by the group’s blatant disrespect that he jumps out of his seat, pulls out a knife and threatens to stop the ruckus – by any means necessary. There are a number of times that I, myself – an ultimate fan of drag performances, felt like doing what that patron in the film did.
This brings me to the point of this blog post – how proper audiences should behave at a drag show.
One of my personal rules for this blog is to not flat-out name anyone, just for the cause of not pointing a finger or putting anyone on the spot. I’m breaking that rule, just this once. And I’m not pointing a finger, except perhaps to give a big thumbs-up to a number of drag queens who, literally, take my breath away with their awesome spirit, drive and performances.
The rule is being broken for this blog post because it not only leads into what I had to witness this past weekend, but also because it smacks of disrespect for drag performers all over the world. Some audience members for so many years have not given the performers their due respect, and it’s time that the tide has turned.
I won’t go into details, but this past weekend at an event, some audience members at a local drag event were so disrespect, so blatant in their ignorance that a popular drag queen had no choice but to “school” them on a couple of things not to do during a drag queen’s performance. And she was absolutely correct. For those of us who understand the proper etiquette, it just boils my blood to see audience members act so discourteous, disrespectful and out of control during a drag performance.
During her performance, they sat right off of the stage and spoke in such high volumes, loud and boisterous that I couldn’t even hear a queen read a question off of one of the game cards. And not only was she speaking into the microphone, but I was standing right next to the stage. To top off the rude display of ignorance, one of those jokers had the audacity to grab on one of the drag queens’ body parts – a definite no-no, not only during a drag performance, but even for a regular person casually walking down the street. Why does anyone have to tell a person this? You would think their parents raised them right, or at least made an effort to raise them right. No home training whatsoever!
These performers put their blood, sweat and tears into what they do, and they are there to entertain. It’s their job – for some of them it’s their career. And these performers warrant, no they deserve our respect. There’s a saying, “Being a drag queen takes big balls,” and that is true.
Now come on, people. Why anyone should have to share with you what proper etiquette should be during a drag performance – or any show, it’s just beyond me! But if I must, I will offer you a number of instances. It’s certainly not all of them, but it’s just a few to get you started on your way to knowledge and understanding.
1) Do not grab at a drag queen’s body. No part of her body. You wouldn’t do it to a random woman walking across the bar, so don’t do it a drag queen walking across the bar.
2) If you must, absolutely must, talk loudly and in a boisterous, screeching voice, take a seat at the back of the bar, far enough away from the stage that it does not interrupt the performance and those patrons who wish to enjoy the performance can do so without hearing your loud mouth.
3) At some arenas, a drag queen’s stage is at the front, and the audience flows back several yards. Drag queens work for tips, and they deserve those tips. So if you don’t plan on taking any money out of your pocket to show respect for them and tip, please take a position away from the front of the stage to allow for tipping patrons to be able to do so and not struggle to get through the crowd just to tip them. When you do so, it’s almost too difficult for tipping patrons with a drink in the hand to make it through. Thus, some drag queens don’t get as much in tips as they should.
4) When a drag queen is speaking in the mic, SHE is speaking in the mic. Keep your mouths closed and don’t try to make yourself a part of her show. She’s got it covered; if she wants you to be a part of her show, she’ll call for you – don’t worry.
5) Unless you have to desperately go to the bathroom and the path there is right across the drag queen’s stage, there is no feasible reason that you must walk directly across her stage when she is performing. That would seem like the only emergency that would warrant a patron doing such an act. So if you need to cross her stage, do her a favor and wait the 4-5 minutes until her performance has concluded. Common decency, people. Common decency.
6) Don’t throw anything at a drag queen during her performance. Holy Mormon, Batman! I can’t even believe that I have to add this one on here, but sadly I do. I know you might want to be a part of the act, and think perhaps throwing a shirt, straws or ice is a good idea … trust me, it’s not. The only things remotely in the realm of decency to throw at a drag queen would be dollars at her feet or a little shade, but be prepared, because most every drag queen knows how to properly throw shade right back at you, and twice as razor sharp. So tread lightly with that. (*And for anyone who doesn't understand this, you can shower the STAGE with money as a tip, but THROWING money directly at a drag queen isn't the best course of action*)
These are just a few of the ways for patrons to display proper etiquette to drag performers during their shows. But if you’ve been guilty of doing any of these things, and if you believe none of these tips will help you to act a little better than you’ve been thus far, I suppose I only have one other suggestion that may bring it home for you.
You could try this … If all else fails, try acting how you would want an audience to treat you if you were doing drag. How about that?
Perhaps the reason why I can say that with all sincerity, and why it gets me a little heated when fellow patrons find it difficult to display proper etiquette during a drag show, is because of a little ole bitty named Olivia Twisted. Yes, I’ve performed drag years ago, when I first came out and tried to do my thing.
To be honest, sadly I was not very graceful at painting the mug. I did it just three times, but decided to put it on hold for a couple of reasons that, today, just seem to me like it was a cop-out. Those reasons: I know my mother was not accepting of her son wearing a dress, and her respect was everything to me. She was all for her son being a gay man, but she wouldn’t get on board with her gay son wearing a dress. She was way old school.
The other reason was because when I first came out, I didn’t have that support system, I didn’t have that close-knit group of family of friends in the gay community that I am proud to say I have now. All those years ago, it was just me, trying to make it as a young Black gay man on his own in a new world.
I have that courage these days that I didn’t have 15 years ago when I did it, because I’ve established myself in the LGBTQ community and on top of all that, I no longer give a damn what people think of me. It took me years to get to that point, and now here, it’s time to reintroduce Olivia Twisted. Hey, it’s just something I’m looking into and toying with at this point.
So if you are ever blessed to go to a show with a drag performer on stage, trust, it would be in your best interest to show proper etiquette. It’s very simple … and besides, you wouldn’t want to be embarrassed, because those memes of you acting like a damn fool at the drag shows will last forever.
Now go out and watch “Torch Song Trilogy” if you haven’t already.
If you haven’t, you should really think about turning in your gay card. The film is, hands down, one of the best LGBTQ films ever made, let alone one of the best films period. True, in my estimation it is one of the best films, and since this is my blog, what I say goes.
But there is a scene in the film that is very topical currently for a number of reasons. The scene to which I’m referring is when Arnold, aka female impersonator Virginia Ham (performed flawlessly by Harvey Fierstien), is doing one of her numbers in the club, and a group of male hustlers (one of which is portrayed by Matthew Broderick) begin heckling and causing a major disturbance. The group is manhandling Virginia, shouting obscenities and trying to embarrass her.
At this point, one of the regular patrons – who thoroughly enjoys Virginia’s and the other drag queens’ performances – is so disgusted by the group’s blatant disrespect that he jumps out of his seat, pulls out a knife and threatens to stop the ruckus – by any means necessary. There are a number of times that I, myself – an ultimate fan of drag performances, felt like doing what that patron in the film did.
This brings me to the point of this blog post – how proper audiences should behave at a drag show.
One of my personal rules for this blog is to not flat-out name anyone, just for the cause of not pointing a finger or putting anyone on the spot. I’m breaking that rule, just this once. And I’m not pointing a finger, except perhaps to give a big thumbs-up to a number of drag queens who, literally, take my breath away with their awesome spirit, drive and performances.
The rule is being broken for this blog post because it not only leads into what I had to witness this past weekend, but also because it smacks of disrespect for drag performers all over the world. Some audience members for so many years have not given the performers their due respect, and it’s time that the tide has turned.
I won’t go into details, but this past weekend at an event, some audience members at a local drag event were so disrespect, so blatant in their ignorance that a popular drag queen had no choice but to “school” them on a couple of things not to do during a drag queen’s performance. And she was absolutely correct. For those of us who understand the proper etiquette, it just boils my blood to see audience members act so discourteous, disrespectful and out of control during a drag performance.
During her performance, they sat right off of the stage and spoke in such high volumes, loud and boisterous that I couldn’t even hear a queen read a question off of one of the game cards. And not only was she speaking into the microphone, but I was standing right next to the stage. To top off the rude display of ignorance, one of those jokers had the audacity to grab on one of the drag queens’ body parts – a definite no-no, not only during a drag performance, but even for a regular person casually walking down the street. Why does anyone have to tell a person this? You would think their parents raised them right, or at least made an effort to raise them right. No home training whatsoever!
These performers put their blood, sweat and tears into what they do, and they are there to entertain. It’s their job – for some of them it’s their career. And these performers warrant, no they deserve our respect. There’s a saying, “Being a drag queen takes big balls,” and that is true.
Now come on, people. Why anyone should have to share with you what proper etiquette should be during a drag performance – or any show, it’s just beyond me! But if I must, I will offer you a number of instances. It’s certainly not all of them, but it’s just a few to get you started on your way to knowledge and understanding.
1) Do not grab at a drag queen’s body. No part of her body. You wouldn’t do it to a random woman walking across the bar, so don’t do it a drag queen walking across the bar.
2) If you must, absolutely must, talk loudly and in a boisterous, screeching voice, take a seat at the back of the bar, far enough away from the stage that it does not interrupt the performance and those patrons who wish to enjoy the performance can do so without hearing your loud mouth.
3) At some arenas, a drag queen’s stage is at the front, and the audience flows back several yards. Drag queens work for tips, and they deserve those tips. So if you don’t plan on taking any money out of your pocket to show respect for them and tip, please take a position away from the front of the stage to allow for tipping patrons to be able to do so and not struggle to get through the crowd just to tip them. When you do so, it’s almost too difficult for tipping patrons with a drink in the hand to make it through. Thus, some drag queens don’t get as much in tips as they should.
4) When a drag queen is speaking in the mic, SHE is speaking in the mic. Keep your mouths closed and don’t try to make yourself a part of her show. She’s got it covered; if she wants you to be a part of her show, she’ll call for you – don’t worry.
5) Unless you have to desperately go to the bathroom and the path there is right across the drag queen’s stage, there is no feasible reason that you must walk directly across her stage when she is performing. That would seem like the only emergency that would warrant a patron doing such an act. So if you need to cross her stage, do her a favor and wait the 4-5 minutes until her performance has concluded. Common decency, people. Common decency.
6) Don’t throw anything at a drag queen during her performance. Holy Mormon, Batman! I can’t even believe that I have to add this one on here, but sadly I do. I know you might want to be a part of the act, and think perhaps throwing a shirt, straws or ice is a good idea … trust me, it’s not. The only things remotely in the realm of decency to throw at a drag queen would be dollars at her feet or a little shade, but be prepared, because most every drag queen knows how to properly throw shade right back at you, and twice as razor sharp. So tread lightly with that. (*And for anyone who doesn't understand this, you can shower the STAGE with money as a tip, but THROWING money directly at a drag queen isn't the best course of action*)
These are just a few of the ways for patrons to display proper etiquette to drag performers during their shows. But if you’ve been guilty of doing any of these things, and if you believe none of these tips will help you to act a little better than you’ve been thus far, I suppose I only have one other suggestion that may bring it home for you.
You could try this … If all else fails, try acting how you would want an audience to treat you if you were doing drag. How about that?
Perhaps the reason why I can say that with all sincerity, and why it gets me a little heated when fellow patrons find it difficult to display proper etiquette during a drag show, is because of a little ole bitty named Olivia Twisted. Yes, I’ve performed drag years ago, when I first came out and tried to do my thing.
To be honest, sadly I was not very graceful at painting the mug. I did it just three times, but decided to put it on hold for a couple of reasons that, today, just seem to me like it was a cop-out. Those reasons: I know my mother was not accepting of her son wearing a dress, and her respect was everything to me. She was all for her son being a gay man, but she wouldn’t get on board with her gay son wearing a dress. She was way old school.
The other reason was because when I first came out, I didn’t have that support system, I didn’t have that close-knit group of family of friends in the gay community that I am proud to say I have now. All those years ago, it was just me, trying to make it as a young Black gay man on his own in a new world.
I have that courage these days that I didn’t have 15 years ago when I did it, because I’ve established myself in the LGBTQ community and on top of all that, I no longer give a damn what people think of me. It took me years to get to that point, and now here, it’s time to reintroduce Olivia Twisted. Hey, it’s just something I’m looking into and toying with at this point.
So if you are ever blessed to go to a show with a drag performer on stage, trust, it would be in your best interest to show proper etiquette. It’s very simple … and besides, you wouldn’t want to be embarrassed, because those memes of you acting like a damn fool at the drag shows will last forever.
Now go out and watch “Torch Song Trilogy” if you haven’t already.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Some people should have warning labels so we know what's in store for us
I want to begin this blog post by giving major props to those individuals working in the service industry. Whether you are a hotel, bar or restaurant manager … a server/waiter/waitress … a chef, cook or baker … bartender, cocktail waitress …. bouncer, security guard or barback … those individuals working as bellhops, maids, restaurant hosts, kitchen help, busboys, front desk workers or maitre d’s.
All of you have to put up with a lot of crap. And you will understand why I am praising you as this blog progresses.
But to put things into simple terms, it amazes me that in a world where so many people have to put up with so many situations, attitudes and craziness, that there are some people on this planet who just don’t understand the simple joys of avoiding drama and tragic occurrences.
To make it plain, there are just too many people who should be wearing a bright red warning label that specifically says, “DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS!”
They seem to be coming out of the woodwork. I’ll give you a few examples of these individuals.
First, you have those individuals who will take any open opportunity to cause a rift between two content, loving souls who are just trying to make it day to day in a happy relationship. Sure, all of us have ups and downs, but these interlopers who will use the first sign of discord between a couple to attempt to break them up, well these individuals are just tragic souls.
Not only will they amp up the tragedy, but they will also blow a situation out of proportion just to cause a rift and break the two up. Why? There are a number of reasons. But one reason is because these individuals don’t have anything going on in their own lives, so they interject themselves into a couple’s relationship.
Maybe it’s just what these people like to do, cause drama and dissention in the lives of others. But I wish these people would see a glimmer of self-reflection and understand that their actions are not lost on the many members of the community and that person will no longer be trusted by anyone. And not only that, but they will begin to be shunned by a large portion of the community because their two-faced masks will forever be uncovered.
People in such a close-knit community have long memories, and if an individual gets this sort of reputation, it will be years before they can get rid of it; if they ever will. There are a few individuals who already have this reputation, and trust me, people in the community no longer trust you. And if you lose a community’s respect and trust, it’s lost for good.
Another group of people who should be wearing that warning label are those individuals who are out on the town and turn into drunken disasters. Now I know that we all can tie one on and sometimes overdo it, but that’s not the ones I’m describing. The ones I’m describing are those individuals who will tie one on, get drop-down drunk, cause so many people to worry about them, and will do the unthinkable – will insult and cause chaos with their true friends who just want to make sure they don’t crash their cars, end up in the slammer with a DUI, or worse – get themselves killed.
I’ve been the recipient of these people’s agitation and verbal abuse because I’ve been sober enough to try to help them to keep themselves safe, and I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. We’ve all had to deal with these friends, because at the end of the day they are friends. There have been a few times that fellow members in the service industry have asked me to make sure these people remain safe.
I don’t mind, because I’d want a person to do this for me, and some of my friends have done this for me. And I’ve been grateful.
And this is why I’ve given a shout out to so many in the service industry, because they have no choice but to help you out. They’ve had to put up with a lot of aggravation, so how about this – how about you give them a break and if you do lose control in a drunken stupor, you treat them with respect? How about that? It’s very simple.
Because sir or madam, once you do it one too many times, they will not watch your back because you end up kicking them in the back one too many times. You lose their respect, then you’ll lose your privileges. So calm it down and try to keep yourself in check. And if you have people who consider you a friend trying to keep your ass safe, just let them and don’t fight them. You may just end up fighting them one too many times and they just might you go ahead and let you kill yourself on the road because they are tired of your drunken shenanigans.
And I must not forget the ones who should wear these warning labels, the ones who aggravate Miss Bernadine the most. I absolutely cannot stand the gay men in the community who feel entitled in life that they act like they own other gay men. Now I’m not speaking of the gay men who for them, this is their way of life due to a particular community to which they belong.
I’m referencing those gay men who act like just because they’ve either broken up with their man or have been dumped by him, that they act way too possessive with him, and in addition, act like the fool and cause a ruckus with any other man who seems to enter their universe.
It’s absurd! Ladies, get a grip on yourselves and stop playing the possessive, overly-trite gay man. It’s not a good look for you, and you ultimately look like you are trying to hold the monopoly on every man in the community. If you fellas want to date a slew of your fellow gay men, go for it. I’m not stopping you. But if you interfere in the lives of other men who I, or the others in the community, are dating as well, and you try to act like you have the exclusive rights to all men, that’s where I and others will draw the line with you.
So don’t act like you are all flabbergasted or indignant when you are called out for your actions. Because if you are putting yourself out there and want to play the field and date four or five guys at once, don’t act the fool if one of the many men spending time in your whorehouse is also spending time in others’ whorehouses. It’s just the way things go. Unless you are with the man exclusively, you have no say.
It’s as simple as that.
All of you have to put up with a lot of crap. And you will understand why I am praising you as this blog progresses.
But to put things into simple terms, it amazes me that in a world where so many people have to put up with so many situations, attitudes and craziness, that there are some people on this planet who just don’t understand the simple joys of avoiding drama and tragic occurrences.
To make it plain, there are just too many people who should be wearing a bright red warning label that specifically says, “DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS!”
They seem to be coming out of the woodwork. I’ll give you a few examples of these individuals.
First, you have those individuals who will take any open opportunity to cause a rift between two content, loving souls who are just trying to make it day to day in a happy relationship. Sure, all of us have ups and downs, but these interlopers who will use the first sign of discord between a couple to attempt to break them up, well these individuals are just tragic souls.
Not only will they amp up the tragedy, but they will also blow a situation out of proportion just to cause a rift and break the two up. Why? There are a number of reasons. But one reason is because these individuals don’t have anything going on in their own lives, so they interject themselves into a couple’s relationship.
Maybe it’s just what these people like to do, cause drama and dissention in the lives of others. But I wish these people would see a glimmer of self-reflection and understand that their actions are not lost on the many members of the community and that person will no longer be trusted by anyone. And not only that, but they will begin to be shunned by a large portion of the community because their two-faced masks will forever be uncovered.
People in such a close-knit community have long memories, and if an individual gets this sort of reputation, it will be years before they can get rid of it; if they ever will. There are a few individuals who already have this reputation, and trust me, people in the community no longer trust you. And if you lose a community’s respect and trust, it’s lost for good.
Another group of people who should be wearing that warning label are those individuals who are out on the town and turn into drunken disasters. Now I know that we all can tie one on and sometimes overdo it, but that’s not the ones I’m describing. The ones I’m describing are those individuals who will tie one on, get drop-down drunk, cause so many people to worry about them, and will do the unthinkable – will insult and cause chaos with their true friends who just want to make sure they don’t crash their cars, end up in the slammer with a DUI, or worse – get themselves killed.
I’ve been the recipient of these people’s agitation and verbal abuse because I’ve been sober enough to try to help them to keep themselves safe, and I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. We’ve all had to deal with these friends, because at the end of the day they are friends. There have been a few times that fellow members in the service industry have asked me to make sure these people remain safe.
I don’t mind, because I’d want a person to do this for me, and some of my friends have done this for me. And I’ve been grateful.
And this is why I’ve given a shout out to so many in the service industry, because they have no choice but to help you out. They’ve had to put up with a lot of aggravation, so how about this – how about you give them a break and if you do lose control in a drunken stupor, you treat them with respect? How about that? It’s very simple.
Because sir or madam, once you do it one too many times, they will not watch your back because you end up kicking them in the back one too many times. You lose their respect, then you’ll lose your privileges. So calm it down and try to keep yourself in check. And if you have people who consider you a friend trying to keep your ass safe, just let them and don’t fight them. You may just end up fighting them one too many times and they just might you go ahead and let you kill yourself on the road because they are tired of your drunken shenanigans.
And I must not forget the ones who should wear these warning labels, the ones who aggravate Miss Bernadine the most. I absolutely cannot stand the gay men in the community who feel entitled in life that they act like they own other gay men. Now I’m not speaking of the gay men who for them, this is their way of life due to a particular community to which they belong.
I’m referencing those gay men who act like just because they’ve either broken up with their man or have been dumped by him, that they act way too possessive with him, and in addition, act like the fool and cause a ruckus with any other man who seems to enter their universe.
It’s absurd! Ladies, get a grip on yourselves and stop playing the possessive, overly-trite gay man. It’s not a good look for you, and you ultimately look like you are trying to hold the monopoly on every man in the community. If you fellas want to date a slew of your fellow gay men, go for it. I’m not stopping you. But if you interfere in the lives of other men who I, or the others in the community, are dating as well, and you try to act like you have the exclusive rights to all men, that’s where I and others will draw the line with you.
So don’t act like you are all flabbergasted or indignant when you are called out for your actions. Because if you are putting yourself out there and want to play the field and date four or five guys at once, don’t act the fool if one of the many men spending time in your whorehouse is also spending time in others’ whorehouses. It’s just the way things go. Unless you are with the man exclusively, you have no say.
It’s as simple as that.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
The struggle is real to be living in this world as a Black gay man
Sometimes standing up for what’s right when an injustice has been done is the most difficult thing a person can be called on to do.
But it’s just so odd that for me, during Black History Month, that I am being led to do something that will make things easier for the younger African-American generation.
It’s not something that I really want to do, but I definitely need to do. I can’t go into details just yet because some issues are in the midst of going to be a tough hurdle to leap. And I can’t speak about it until I’m a bit further in the motions and understand fully what I will need to sacrifice. But it will be one of the hardest struggles for me personally and professionally.
But in any case, it just reminds me of the older LGBTQ community members who, despite knowing the struggle might not end well, still went forward bravely. Those individuals, I’m relying on for some inner strength. Just knowing that they didn’t give up makes me believe I can go to the finish line as well.
The older generation put their all into making things equal for all of us. From the Stonewall Riots … to the formation of PFLAG in 1972 … to the march on Washington for gay rights in 1979 … to trying to fix the uncomfortable compromises of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell … to AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power (ACT UP) … to Queer Nation … to the successful results of marriage equality in the last few years.
Did they falter or lose their nerve? No. We can learn so much from those who came before us.
But the focus of this blog isn’t a history lesson or my own upcoming struggle. The focus, primarily, deals with perception.
One’s perception of another person in the community can be shortsighted at times. I was speaking with a friend recently, and it occurred to me that we all have a perception of a person, and no matter how hard that person tries to change how others perceive them, it’s so difficult to get people to see the “new you”.
It’s a bit sad, really. Once members of the community, and in the world, see you in a certain way, it’s so damn hard to change their minds. The reason it’s sad is because I’ve known a number of individuals who aren’t like I’ve heard they are from other people. Did I catch those individuals after they’ve made the transformation? It is possible, you know.
A lot of people’s perception of me is not how I always am. Yes, I’m strong-willed, confidant and believe in my convictions. But I can use support and a shoulder every now and again. And since I rarely ask for any help, some think I never need it. That’s my fault, because that’s the perception I give off. It’s difficult to change that.
Those who always attempt a smile can be sad inside at times; they just don’t like to show it. Conversely, those who seem to always have a frown on their faces are sometimes happy. It’s just perception.
When a person gains a certain reputation in the community, it’s even harder to change. Someone could have been a troubled soul in 2008, but has since become much more stable and is just a shadow of their former self. But the community is hard on them. That’s always struck me as odd, because if a person has the strength and ability to change, why don’t we as a community give them as much help as possible?
We’re not that jaded, now are we?
I believe a person should always get the opportunity to reinvent themselves. And a person isn’t just skin deep; there can be so much more beneath the surface.
I guess in a nutshell that is what my blog post is about. Now that it is Black History Month, people can look within themselves and gauge if they are doing everything they can to make change. To be brutally honest, it gives me pause that Black History Month is the time that a large portion of the population celebrates the lives of African Americans.
And it hurts my feelings that even though we are all equal, that even in the community, it’s sort of a statement when in mixed relations. Now I’m very up front about the interracial relationship issue. I date the opposite race, never made that a secret. But I have to tell you, it’s very difficult to formulate a relationship with a non-minority. In many instances, either a non-minority sees a Black man as a conquest … or a challenge … or not worthy of entering into a relationship. It’s the lucky souls who are able to make it work.
Why is that? Why does it seem like the Black man has to work that much harder to attain a lasting relationship with someone of the opposite race?
And professionally, it’s just as hard. I think that some in the corporate world (and other job markets) see a Black man in terms of how much they are actually needed. It’s hard to get promotions, difficult to get the respect we’ve earned, and downright stressful to have those not in the minority give us a break. I’m not speaking for the entire population, just some of them.
The struggle is real to be in this world as a gay, Black man. I mean don’t get me wrong, I know we all have struggles of sorts, and I don’t take away from anyone the amount of difficulty it might be for them. I feel your pain.
When my father learned I was gay, he was totally cool with it. But he did caution me, “At work, don’t tell anyone about it, because they will make things difficult for you.” I told him, “I wish I didn’t have to tell people in my company that I’m Black; things would be a lot easier for me to climb the ladder.” He’s a self-made man and businessman, so he’s made a name for himself on his own terms, and I love that about him.
But looking at myself in the mirror as I reflect on Black History Month, I truly wonder how much more of a struggle I will need to endure to get my due as an intelligent, competent, self-starting, hardworking Black man in my industry. I’ve got the gay struggle down and under my belt. It’s the struggles of the Black man where I need to understand just where I stand.
As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “The time is always right to do what’s right.”
I suppose I have no choice but to make sure others do what’s right, no matter my personal cost. So as I stated earlier, in the months to come I am being led to do something that will make things easier for the younger African-American generation. I think of my nephew, who’s not only one of the football stars at Rowan University, but also at the top of his Business class. He’s busting his butt to be the most successful he can be, and I would hate, absolutely hate, for him to do all that’s he’s doing now to be successful in his industry and people would hold him back because of his race.
I have to act now so he can make it further than I ever could. It’s time for change; I know I probably won’t get further than Dr. King, Rosa Parks, Oprah Winfrey or even Booker T. Washington, but I can at least try my best. I can try for those coming up behind me, before it’s too late for them, too.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Some people call it cock blocking; I refer to it as 'poking Miss Bernadine'
I can tolerate a lot of people. And I can tolerate a lot of actions from people who I encounter.
But by far, the worst type of people who wander into my universe are those individuals who many may refer to as “cock blockers”.
In case you’ve been asleep under a rock for the past century, I’ll explain the concept to you. A cock blocker can be described in a few ways, but for this blog post, this is the description. He or she is a person who, basically, interrupts another person when that person is in the middle of holding a conversation, getting to know someone, or is in the midst of connecting romantically with another. A cock blocker’s main goal is to connect with the person already being pursued by a competitor, in the hopes that they will get in there and make some leeway first.
I really dislike a person who does this. They are not only rude and disrespectful, but they are just plain fake. And the worst ones are the cock blockers who actually try to play it off like I’ve been friends with them for years, but they hardly even know my last name.
Now I don’t care for these individuals. But Miss Bernadine, now she just tries her best to not slap them across the face, all the while with a smile. There are just too many out there, and they need to stop – IMMEDIATELY!
I think cock blockers are just desperate. They don’t really have a lot of self esteem if they need to redeem their insecurities by proving they have the capability of snatching another’s intended catch. What gets into these individuals? Why do they have this innate need to one-up another person?
And hell, don’t let them see you talking closely with a newbie, someone who is pretty new to the scene … they will descend on you and that prey like freaking vultures! They don’t even pull you aside for two seconds and make sure you aren’t interested; the cock blocker is interested, and that’s all they care about. Screw any sort of friendship they might have with you; with cock blockers, it’s every man and woman for themselves.
And you can see them coming from a mile away. When a person who rarely speaks to you makes a beeline over to you, and you are already conversing with a good looking person, chances are their intentions are clear as a Saran wrap – they want what you are trying to have.
So now, I’m putting this out there so Miss Bernadine’s intentions are clear. If you are a cock blocker, or plan to be a cock blocker in my presence, you will be called out and embarrassed. I’m not even going to pull you aside and do it; you will get the treatment out in the open, in front of everyone. You will be called out as a cock blocker (in addition to other terms that I’m not going to use in print), and there will be no apology!
My parents brought me up so that I have some sort of class, charm and respect. And I try my damndest to show that to everyone I meet and know. But trust, Mr. or Ms. Cock blocker, if your parents didn’t bring you up that way and you insist on showing me and others disrespect, those lessons I learned growing up will be tossed right out the window when dealing with you.
This has always been a problem with a number of individuals in the LGBTQ community, and I have no idea why. Can someone explain this to me? Is there that much competition out there that you must hoard in like a vulture picking off prey in the night? Have you no home training? Were you raised by wolves?
Speaking to a few people, I’m glad that these individuals don’t just irritate me; it irritates, bewilders and angers many others.
Now cock blockers, I’m not saying you have to like me or respect me. Hell, you don’t have to like or respect any of my brothers and sisters in the community. But I just ask one thing of you – show at least a sliver of respect for yourself, because you are looking desperate, overly-horny, and to top it off, you are getting a bad reputation and friends won’t want to bring others around you, thus losing friends in the process.
Take my advice or ignore it. The choice is totally up to you. But steer clear of Miss Bernadine; she’s had enough.
Sorry if it seems like this angers me more than other things, but I just can't tolerate some things, no matter how hard I try. I'm working on it, but just like the rest of the population, I'm a work in progress.
But by far, the worst type of people who wander into my universe are those individuals who many may refer to as “cock blockers”.
In case you’ve been asleep under a rock for the past century, I’ll explain the concept to you. A cock blocker can be described in a few ways, but for this blog post, this is the description. He or she is a person who, basically, interrupts another person when that person is in the middle of holding a conversation, getting to know someone, or is in the midst of connecting romantically with another. A cock blocker’s main goal is to connect with the person already being pursued by a competitor, in the hopes that they will get in there and make some leeway first.
I really dislike a person who does this. They are not only rude and disrespectful, but they are just plain fake. And the worst ones are the cock blockers who actually try to play it off like I’ve been friends with them for years, but they hardly even know my last name.
Now I don’t care for these individuals. But Miss Bernadine, now she just tries her best to not slap them across the face, all the while with a smile. There are just too many out there, and they need to stop – IMMEDIATELY!
I think cock blockers are just desperate. They don’t really have a lot of self esteem if they need to redeem their insecurities by proving they have the capability of snatching another’s intended catch. What gets into these individuals? Why do they have this innate need to one-up another person?
And hell, don’t let them see you talking closely with a newbie, someone who is pretty new to the scene … they will descend on you and that prey like freaking vultures! They don’t even pull you aside for two seconds and make sure you aren’t interested; the cock blocker is interested, and that’s all they care about. Screw any sort of friendship they might have with you; with cock blockers, it’s every man and woman for themselves.
And you can see them coming from a mile away. When a person who rarely speaks to you makes a beeline over to you, and you are already conversing with a good looking person, chances are their intentions are clear as a Saran wrap – they want what you are trying to have.
So now, I’m putting this out there so Miss Bernadine’s intentions are clear. If you are a cock blocker, or plan to be a cock blocker in my presence, you will be called out and embarrassed. I’m not even going to pull you aside and do it; you will get the treatment out in the open, in front of everyone. You will be called out as a cock blocker (in addition to other terms that I’m not going to use in print), and there will be no apology!
My parents brought me up so that I have some sort of class, charm and respect. And I try my damndest to show that to everyone I meet and know. But trust, Mr. or Ms. Cock blocker, if your parents didn’t bring you up that way and you insist on showing me and others disrespect, those lessons I learned growing up will be tossed right out the window when dealing with you.
This has always been a problem with a number of individuals in the LGBTQ community, and I have no idea why. Can someone explain this to me? Is there that much competition out there that you must hoard in like a vulture picking off prey in the night? Have you no home training? Were you raised by wolves?
Speaking to a few people, I’m glad that these individuals don’t just irritate me; it irritates, bewilders and angers many others.
Now cock blockers, I’m not saying you have to like me or respect me. Hell, you don’t have to like or respect any of my brothers and sisters in the community. But I just ask one thing of you – show at least a sliver of respect for yourself, because you are looking desperate, overly-horny, and to top it off, you are getting a bad reputation and friends won’t want to bring others around you, thus losing friends in the process.
Take my advice or ignore it. The choice is totally up to you. But steer clear of Miss Bernadine; she’s had enough.
Sorry if it seems like this angers me more than other things, but I just can't tolerate some things, no matter how hard I try. I'm working on it, but just like the rest of the population, I'm a work in progress.
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