I may be damaged goods, but I'm goods nonetheless

My birthday was Friday, and I'm proud that I can say I'm 43 years old now and I've made it thus far with only a few scrapes and bruises ... to my heart.
I've had to deal with a lot of false starts in my search for a man who is worthy of me. Some people say there are no good homosexual men left out there in the world. They say all the good ones are taken, or scared of relationships, or just damaged goods. They've been through the fire a few too many times, and because of it, they are running for the hills, running far away from any sort of commitment.
That's my problem. I keep encountering these men. They tell me that they are afraid to get fully involved in a romance with me because they know I'm in it for the long haul. It's sad, because a lot of these guys who have the phobia of commitment seem to get in my way. I have these magnets on me that only attract these men.
Well, I've decided that I'm too old to keep chasing after the paper dreams that keep alluding me. These guys can stay away from me from now on. They seem to think they are doing me a favor by keeping me at arms' length, not letting me get too close to them, having indiscreminate sex with nameless, faceless individuals, avoiding going all the way (you know what I mean) with me because they know I am relationship material and they don't want to hurt me by turning their back on me after having sex, and sooner or later acting like assholes.
They actually are doing me a favor. I always take it as a rejection of sorts, but it's not a rejection at all; it's a blessing. They know I'm looking for someone just as competent, financially secure and loving as I am, and in the end they really are saving me from a lot of chaos, drama and heartache.
So thank you!
Everyone is damaged in their own way, shape or form. Even I am damaged. But even though I am damaged goods, I am goods nonetheless. And it's abominable to continue throwing myself under the bus just to have something as "far-fetched" as a relationship.
I'm not looking for the man of my dreams anymore. That person doesn't exist. I know that now. And I'm content with that knowledge.
Besides, there are a lot worse things in life than being single. Just turn on the news or read a newspaper and you'll see what I mean. So in the long run, I'm pretty lucky if the worst thing in my life is being single and never finding the man of my dreams.
Wow, I guess I really am growing up.

Don't hitch your dreams to a falling star 'cause you'll go down in flames

I deleted my last post from my blog because after speaking to a couple of people I thought it might be a bit exposed and may have put too much information about this guy I was falling for into the public eye. At the time that I wrote that post, I was sort of in the eye of the storm, so to speak.
But as a blogger, that was a mistake - I should have left it up. No matter how close our words hit to home, we should never be afraid to speak the truth.
If you didn't see the post, it was about a guy who I'd begun hanging out with. This guy was in a long-term relationship in the past, and when the relationship with the guy ended, the man of my attentions was really beaten up by it. But despite all of that, and his holding me at arm's length, I still went forward.
We were in the midst of an "intimate friendship". Our friendship was progressing pretty well and we were getting closer. I still wanted to avoid falling for this guy because he had all the markings of a man who would hurt me in the long run. Of course I fooled myself into thinking that all my fears were only because I'd been hurt by guys so many times in the past that I was just cynical.
So despite my apprehensions I let my guard down and let him in.
My mistake.
I'm feeling really stupid today because I found out something about this guy that I'd been too clueless to understand in the past. This guy who I was beginning to become attached to is a functioning alcoholic. How'd I find this out? He made dinner plans with me, a very nice dinner that I never asked for but he wanted to do for me because he, as he said, "really loves spending his time with me".
That dinner never materialized. And even though I waited all evening for the dinner that never happened, I wasn't truly worried about the dinner. I was concerned because I hadn't been able to get in touch with him. I was worried that this guy who I truly liked was hurt, or worse. I know - it sounds dramatic. But after you lose someone so special in your life to death, as I'd lost my mother a few months ago, you begin to fear that you'll lose others the same way.
So I don't know if I was happy or angry when I went out to the bar last night, got out of my vehicle, and saw this guy at the entrance. I was happy he was alive, but that quickly turned to fury when I realized he didn't remember the dinner he had planned with me. He stood me up, and sadly didn't even realize he stood me up! His excuse - he can't be responsible for his actions because he's an alcoholic. I still can't believe those words came out of his mouth.
No matter the reason, I am now totally disillusioned in men. How could he say something like that, and to top it off, he felt like I shouldn't have gotten involved because he's an alcoholic. I know he said it when he was drunk, about not getting involved with him, but I couldn't help that despite this man being a self-proclaimed alcoholic, I was undeniably drawn to his sincerity, kindness and generosity.
But how the hell did I know he was an alcoholic? Or a better question would be why the hell was an educated, intelligent man such as myself so stupid about a person that I still didn't know very well?
So this is the reason why I have to take a look within myself and try to understand why I would be so oblivious to all of it. Am I that desperate to find a man to love me that I'd ignore so many warning signs? Did I hitch my dreams of a true romance to a falling star, and now I'm just sour because that falling star has gone down in flames?
Maybe I should check myself into a rehab for people addicted to bad romance. And if they don't have a place to help people like me, they definitely should have one.

Never let 'em see you sweat and, obviously, never let 'em see you frown

These past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I lost my job and have had to deal with some personal issues.
In the process of coming to terms with all of this, I also discovered something else ... some people just don't like to deal with a depressed person.
People are used to seeing a smiling, joking, jovial Eric. So having to deal with a less happier Eric, it seems, doesn't suit too well. For a lot of reasons, this one in particular, I usually choose to keep the upset, miserable, depressed Eric deep down inside and simply let the world see the upbeat, crazier version of myself.
I'm happy with the zany version, for the most part. People love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. Being the life of the party is fun, anyway. And who wouldn't want to be the life of the party, right?
So that's what I'm going to do - just smile, laugh, and take Asbury Park by storm. Take Asbury Park by storm? Not sure if that's going to happen. But I'm sure as hell going to take the words to Smokey Robinson and the Miracles' hit song, "Tears of a Clown" and put it to good use.
So that's my plan. And I don't want to be walking around Asbury Park and hanging out, having to let people know what's on my mind. Do people really want to know? And if I'm smiling and joking, people won't think anything is wrong in my world anyway.
I'll make sure I'm always smiling and laughing, as I know this is what people love to see. This is something I want to do. I think it'll make me feel better and allow others to feel better as well, especially since it's 4th of July weekend and it's time to party.
Now where's my jello shot?!?

When a door closes a window opens, but why do my windows have bars

Right now I'm sitting at home, listening to the '80s channel on MusicChoice.
I normally would be running out my front door, making a mad dash for my truck so I could make it to work on time. But I don't need to do that today. Or for that matter, any day in the near future.
I never thought it would ever happen to me, but the long arm of the unemployment fairy clubbered me over the head. I was one of a few dozen employees at my job to be cut down by the awful recession.
Me, of all people.
I say that, not because I think I deserved to stay and others deserved to get the 'ol heave-ho before me. I would never say that - out loud. No, I know losing my job had nothing to do with my work performance or skills. Hell, I worked over 60 hours on my job every week. It was just the person I am. For some reason, my obsessive compulsion nature (a well hidden secret - or so I hope) put myself in the mind frame that if I worked my 40 hours weekly, I was cheating myself out of something. I know it's weird, and I never really wanted people to know that I do have that obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't even think my best friends in my life know that about me. Well, my best friend for almost 30 years knows this about me, and likely my sister (whom I consider one of my best friends) knows it, too. I've tried to never discuss it; I think it's one of the most embarrassing things about me. And those who know me are aware that I like to put on a good impression and appearance.
So right now, slowly all of those obsessive compulsive idiosyncracies of mine are, little by little, resurfacing. When I was working 60-plus hours a week, it was easy to disguise these qualities in me. But as I've gone from working 60-plus hours a week to zero, it's very difficult to keep those traits at bay. I'm trying my best, but as one of those traits for me is never being able to sleep, that is the most important issue to correct. I haven't slept in a few days, but I've always only needed to sleep 3 or 4 hours a day anyway. I'm not worried yet - I think.
I guess the truth is that I also feel guilty, a feeling I haven't felt in a little while. See, I worked like a hounddog for years, also trying to work at least 12 hours a day. If I left before 12 hours, I felt like I was cheating myself. So even when my mother was sick, I would work my ass off to forget all the craziness, because when I was working incessantly, I knew I was in control of my fate.
So now I have to realize that as I worked so long and hard, and as my mother got worse and worse, I could find solace in the fact that work was so important and even though my mother didn't like the fact that I was a workaholic like my father, she appreciated my drive. And as I know that she never blamed me for being a workaholic, I am very upset that my workaholic nature, which kept me from being with my mother when she needed me the most in her life (during her illnesses), really was for naught. The reason - no matter how much I worked on advancing my career and giving 200 percent to my job, in the blink of an eye I was cut from my job.
So now I don't have a job, and this time, which I would have loved to spend being there for my mom right now, isn't even important because my mother is gone. Boy, timing sucks sometimes.
I can't help but wonder why I'm in this position. As I recall, the famous saying is that when a door closes a window opens. But why are there bars on my windows? So the door has closed, the windows are opened. But I'm locked inside. I don't really feel too much like going outside. I mean, why go outside? I know it will make me feel better, at least that's what I've been told. But I just don't believe it, because when I've gone ouside as of late, it just feels blah.
Don't get it twisted ... I am not feeling sorry for myself, that's just not me. But I am feeling a tornado of feelings, and I'm not sure what they are and how to stop them from overflooding me.
Time, I know, time will change things. Lord, I hope time will make me feel better. I'm confident it will, and I'll keep telling myself that.
I know one thing is a definite ... all crazy, drama-filled guys who think I'm an easy target right now - beware! I know I enjoy the company of gentlemen, but rest assured (and be forewarned) that I am in no mood to put up with any crap from any of you.
So don't try to get to me with anything less than a sincere, honest approach. And don't venture into my fortress unless you are indeed a prince. Because just as always, toads will get squashed.
I've cleansed myself of all the toads in my life. And to make it a done deal, I've gone through my cell phone and black book, and have erased your numbers from both.
So for the stalker who keeps trying to contact me every time you run into me out around town, don't call me again.
For the guy who dresses like he's a throwback from the '80s, don't call me again.
For the couple of wishy-washy guys who try to ingratiate themselves into my life by using the "poor, pitiful me" routine and think I'm going to fall all over you in a flawed attempt to "save you from yourself", leave me alone.
And for all of the jerks who make every attempt to fool me with kind words, a genuine nature, sex appeal and winning smile, I can see right through you now. The few of you know who you are, and I'm no longer impressed.
I'm vulnerable, but I know that I am only going to date the guy who comes to me with an open mind, open heart and who I won't have to open my wallet to make him happy. He's out there, I know it. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I still know it's not hopeless.
So man of my dreams (or at least man who's not my nightmare), break down those bars on the window and come through. There is a key though, but I'll only let you have it if you're worth possessing it.

I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them

I was speaking to a couple of friends about the movie "Mean Girls" and we just starting laughing.
We weren't laughing about the movie, per say, but we were laughing about the fact that in Asbury Park there's a gay man or two who could actually be mistaken for the character in the movie named Regina George. Now if you haven't seen the movie, Regina George is a real bitch and tries to make others feel less-than while in her presence. She also has put together a "Burn Book", where she does a lot of trash talking about people who really have no idea they are in it. A true bitch! In fact, I guess you could actually compare that character to Christie Masters, the bitch character in the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion". But Regina George fits the description a lot better.
This gay man, it's obvious that I don't even need to say his name because everyone in Asbury Park knows who this person is. He's a good guy, but can be a real bitch who needs to feel superior to other people for what reason, I have no idea.
But the funny thing is that in the gay community, there are a lot of distinctive characteristics we fall into. A few of the gay men in the community are Regina Georges, but there's a lot more categories.
Now in my case, I fall into the category of butch. Guys like me who are butch are extremely "straight-acting" men who just happen to be gay. There's a lot of gay men in the community like me. Some of us like to go out with other "straight-acting" guys because we have a lot in common with them. But some of us like to date men who fall into other categories.
One of those categories would be queens. Now the gay men who are considered queens are the ones who, as it was said back in the day, have a lot of sugar in their tank. I really didn't know what that meant before, but I know what it means now. Queens are the guys who are effeminate and seem very flamboyant, ones who seem like they could just fly away. They are closer to feminine than anything else. Sometimes you just love to be around them; at times, though, their flamboyant nature can be a bit too much.
Bears, another category in the gay community, are just so sweet-natured and lovable. Bears are men who are a bit heavier in weight, and mostly hairy. They exude a hell of a lot of confidence in themselves and their weight, and they make their weight and hairyness something to be proud of. Also part of the bear community would be the cubs. Now cubs are simply young bears. Cubs have all the physical and mental attributes of a bear, they just aren't old enough to be a full-fledged bear. Also related to these are otters, who are slimmer and less hairy bear-admirers, and wolves are bears that are typically more aggressive and overtly masculine.
Twinks are those guys in the community who are young and free, so to speak. When I say free, I just mean that they seem like they have not a care in the world. Most times, twinks do have a lot of worries, but they seem to mask it well. But they are very young in age and carefree in their nature. These guys have such a youthful exuberance about life.
Now Broadway boys are just so special, in my opinion. They usually frequent piano bars and break out in song to the tunes of "Hello Dolly" or "Suddenly Seymour". They can sometimes be a little queeny, but for the most part, they just like to sing Broadway tunes and be a bit flamboyant about it. I just love them!
Angels are just goody-goody guys who make the gay life seem easy. They like to be the do-gooders who give their time and efforts back to the community. They'll volunteer their time to the cause, just to make things easier for others.
The troubled are just that - troubled. They like to see the negative side of being gay, and they like to make others see that side as well. Sometimes these people are too much to take, and their odd anger at being gay is just too much to take. They are troubled souls, and no matter how disappointing their lives seem to be, others can't help but want to make them see the more positive sides of being gay. And to their detriment, troubled souls love the attention. They feed off of it.
Now these definitions that I've supplied are in my opinions only. There are a lot of other categories, but for the most part, these represent the gay male community. Sometimes the categories merge - in that case, for example, a butch gay man can also be a Broadway boy. I'm that way at times, and hell, I just love it when I get that way.
So, my fellow gay men, which category do you fall into? I know some people don't like labels, but all of us can lump ourselves into one of these groups.

Take the mask off ... it's really okay to show your vulnerable side

Well another PRIDE weekend has come and gone. And this one was different than the other ones I've experienced in Asbury Park.
The reason: I've finally realized that it is okay to take my mask off and show my vulnerability. I've been feeling like I should not show my vulnerable side because men who I'm interested in will take it for granted.
I don't care if they can't handle that characteristic in me ... no longer will I care. I have to be myself, and not care what the guy thinks of me. Hell, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and this old dog ain't gonna learn any new tricks.
I think I've been going about things all wrong in my pursuit of a relationship. I've been trying to change myself to mold into a caricature of what will please that guy and not being true to myself. And it struck me as weird that I never realized that even though I do control my own destiny, there is no need at all to settle for something less-than in any relationship. I've been settling, and that crap stops right now.
And I've realized other men may be doing the same thing. My advice to them would be to take themselves off the clearance rack, stop marking their self-worth down to a lower price range, and put themselves behind the glass case. When someone wants to choose them - the item in the glass case - they will know they are not picking you off the clearance rack.
Yesterday while enjoying my PRIDE weekend I encountered three different men. One man, I've been fooling around with behind closed doors. I've developed feelings for him, despite all efforts to avoid it. I'm not in love with him or anything like that. I've just begun to feel some feelings for him.
I ran into him while enjoying the festivities, and he seemed to be apprehensive when we spoke. We only spoke briefly, but in that short minute it hit me. I realized that although I have begun to have some type of feelings for this gentleman, I knew - in that brief minute - that he has other obligations in his life and there is no future at all for me in his life ... other than a fling. That's how he sees me, and I know now that in his life, there is no room for anything but a casual dalliance.
When I left him, I kissed him. And in that kiss, I knew it had to be goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss. It's sad when reality slaps you in the face, but to be honest we were, as Air Supply sings, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". And I deserve a hell of a lot more. Especially since I know that if my mama were alive, she'd slap me silly for ever settling for second best.
The second man I ran into yesterday is a good friend of mine. He's an enigma of sorts. He's sexy, in a downplayed sort of way. He always makes me laugh ... the type of guy who everyone loves to be around. But while speaking to him, I realized that even though he's a sweet-natured guy who has a big heart, he doesn't want anyone to know it. He's comfortable with people thinking he's a cad, a guy who just wants people to think he has no feelings at all. But when you look in this man's eyes, you can see into his soul. There is so much more to this man than meets the eye. But he has this mask, of sorts, that hides his inner-self from being exposed.
I really wish he'd open himself up and let people see the true man that he is. But that's the way it is for a lot of gay men. I told him it's okay to show his vulnerable side, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I hope he figures out what I've come to learn. I've learned that it's okay to take the mask off, and it's really okay to show your vulnerable side.
My PRIDE weekend ended with, perhaps, the saddest encounter with a guy. This young man has a lot to offer people. But sadly he has no idea of his self-worth. It's unfortunate because he knows that he thinks he has to buy friendship in this city. He knows it, and even admitted it to me. I found this all too unsettling.
I wanted to hug this young man and just try to make him understand that there is no reason to do that. So as I spoke these words to him, he just would not believe it. He told me that even though he does feel like he needs to buy people respect, admiration and friendship, he knows that people don't like him because he has nothing to offer people other than becoming a dollar sign and buying friends.
This young man just wants to make friends - that's all. I told him that he'll find his patch of golden girls ... I did, and thank my lucky stars every day that my golden girls are in my life.
Alas, he didn't believe me. I fear for this young man, because he's at a vulnerable stage in his gay life. He even said to me that if he just up and died, people wouldn't even notice he was gone. This breaks my heart, especially since he said his parents don't even talk to him anymore because he's gay.
I never mention people in my blog by name ... that's my policy, and this is no exception. I wish that I could reveal this guy's name, because I think that people would show him how much they care about him - as a person, not as a walking, talking wallet.
I will keep a close eye on this person, because I think that everyone in the community should "gay it forward". It was done for me, and I'm gonna make sure it's done for him as well.
But this PRIDE weekend was a true experience for me, and I'm happy that I've made it through another one, not battered but brighter. And smarter.

Alone again, naturally

Right now things are very difficult for me.
Last week a member of the family passed away. She was a sweet soul, and during my time that I was very entrenched in religion she was instrumental in my journey. When I attended her funeral this week, it was a sad time. And all week, I couldn't help but feel such sadness and depression over my own mother's death a few months ago.
Constant tears have been falling. I thought I'd come to terms with my mom's death, but I haven't. I truly miss my mom. And as I know that I have an entire host of close friends and family members around me, I feel utterly alone. Not lonely, but alone.
It feels like I've been falling into a deep hole and can't get out or stop myself from falling. I need to smile and laugh so people don't sense my despair. But I can't keep things bottled up anymore.
I miss my mom and really need to hear her voice again, or just see her so we can talk about things. I took her for granted when she was alive, I guess because I always thought she'd be here for me. Looking back, she'd done a lot of selfless things for me, just to make things easier for me and because I was "her baby". Funny, it used to drive me crazy when she'd introduce me to people as her baby - her youngest child. Secretly, I really liked it because hearing her say that made me feel like she and I had a special bond.
It breaks my heart that I am no longer anyone's baby.
I know so many people in my life do understand how I'm feeling. But I can't take comfort in that because I don't want to take comfort in that. I wanted to rush home to my guy and have him hug me - just hug me. But then I realized that I don't have that person in my life right now. So no hug. :(
It's funny how when you need a simple hug and the chance to cuddle with that special someone in your life, and that person isn't there for you, it makes a situation just as harsh.
So I am trying to just keep my head above water and smile. Trust me, a hell of a lot of alcohol has helped ease all the pain. But I can't use that as a crutch anymore ... I need to come to terms with everything.
I really don't know what my next step should be.
But I just don't want to feel alone anymore. It's a terrible feeling.