This has been one long, difficult week. And now that I've completed my therapy session this morning (washing and folding laundry), I can reflect on this week.
I've been working a lot, and I'm just burned out! It's time for a vacation - or should I say furcation - and I'm counting down the minutes (7 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact) that I can just relax and let all the stress go from my life.
This past week, I've been through the ringer - literally. Last Sunday I went to a pre-Valentine's Day dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was fun, and I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that we are friends and that I'm ready to move on. And I proved that to myself. See I guess that I was one of those hopeless disciples who just likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. So since I know that we can be friends, I can move on with a clear conscience.
A good thing to boost my ego happened on Valentine's Day. I was invited to dinner by two guys who I've had a passing fancy for recently. One of them - I am just so over him and all his drama and putting up with his wishy-washy personality. To be blunt, he dresses poorly for a gay man and I love fashion. So turning him down was a no-brainer on my part. The other guy, I am attracted to, I must admit. But I knew that if I opened that Pandora's box, there'd be no closing it. I like him, but I don't even want to go down that road because usually that road I travel ends up rolling straight off the edge of a cliff. And I just don't want to be bothered right now.
And I'm glad I've been following my instinct and self-analyzation ... my gut never lies. Because last night I decided to go to Club Paradise and ran into the both of these guys, in addition to my ex-boyfriend. My ex was hanging all over this guy like cheap cologne lingers on the body scent of someone exercising who refuses to wash it off before he works out at the gym! And the other two guys - well let's just say I guess one of them was experiencing a bout of "hard feelings" towards me. The other one did say "hi" but acted like I'd hurt his feelings or I was avoiding him. After all, I never told him I never wanted to go to dinner with him, I just told him I wasn't able to go out with him on Valentine's Day.
But you know what - all of this shade they are throwing my way is the exact reason why my motto is - whatever someone thinks about me is none of my business! And it's so true ... say it to yourself three times quickly and you'll feel awesome.
And this week was difficult because I had to travel back to my hometown on Wednesday to sign some papers and I stopped by my mother's gravesite to see her. The cemetery still has her gravesite in disarray, and the person who's buried next to her is still somewhat of an open grave; they haven't totally filled in the dirt on that person's grave. So you can imagine my feelings when I had to witness this scene. It still stings me greatly because I still feel like my mother's not at peace. And that's what I've been trying to acknowledge - that mom's at peace. And I can't be at peace with her death until she is finally in a good place.
So right now all I want is an ice cream cone. My mom always said that I made the best homemade ice cream cones. I never knew why she said that, but I'd make her the best ice cream cone I've ever made in my life if she were still here to eat it.
I guess everyone always thinks that way.
All I know is that my mom would have been so proud of me for letting go of these guys who are toads and just aren't right for me, and holding out for my prince. I used to always want to turn the toads into the princes, but I'm too old and - hopefully - wise to waste my time and energy in the efforts it takes to build the perfect beast.
I've tried to build the perfect beast in all my past relationships. From now on, I'm only giving my time, energy, efforts and passion to the guy who is already the prince.
Because he, in turn, would be getting a prince himself! No bragging, only acknowledging ...
Jus sayin'! :)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary
Perhaps it's because I'm in Asbury Park and have thrown myself into the city's craziness.
Perhaps it's because I needed to keep myself busy while living in "the world of gayness".
Or perhaps it's just because I wanted to find my place in all this drama.
For whatever reason I've found myself in the space that I'm in, I think I just want to take a break from the drama in my life ... and in fact, the dramatic persons in my life.
Yesterday I started out in the morning with such hopefulness. I don't know why I was so hopeful, but I just knew that yesterday was going to be a special day for me. I'd not felt so hopeful since my mother passed away, so I just believed that things would be really special for me yesterday.
I had my day all planned once I woke up yesterday. First I was going to do some massive cleaning of my home - truth be told, I've been so busy with work as of late, that I hadn't had a chance to give my home a thorough cleaning. But I threw myself into cleaning my place, and I felt good afterward.
Next, I went to the gym to do some boxing and serious workout. So I threw myself into my workout, and I felt so good afterward. The workout was a success.
Then I returned home to get myself together because I was having dinner over my golden gals' home. I was pretty sick all week long, so all I really have been able to eat has been soup, soup and more soup. I was all souped out! So I was so happy to have a home-cooked meal. And hanging with my golden gals was so much fun. We laughed and had an amazing time. I really needed that, boy!
The next phase of my evening was the point in the night that I'd been looking forward to all day long. I was going dancing at Club Paradise with my ex-boyfriend, whom I've been able to maintain a good friendship with since we've ended things. But to be honest, we'd discussed the connection between us and how after all this time, we were still emotionally connected. I hadn't been in a place to venture back into a relationship, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I know I'd been hurt by some actions in our relationship, but I knew that I'd put all that hurt behind me. And I knew that he wanted to get things started again for some time.
For some reason, I knew yesterday that I'd be in a position to "possibly" give it another try ... or at least discuss the possibility. He helped me tremendously during the time following my mother's death, and I'd recently been there for him during his grandmother's passing. He'd shown me the type of person I knew he could be, and I was trusting again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So when he asked me to go dancing with him, as well as go to dinner for Valentine's Day tonight, I was going to let myself be open to the possibility of maybe opening the door a little for him to be in my life again - not as a boyfriend, but as a "friend with benefits".
So I went to Paradise, all ready for a night of dancing. But as the minutes passed, and the first hour passed, I knew he'd eventually get there to meet me. He was only an hour late, right? I sent him a text message just to see where he was. Then as two hours had passed, I gave him a call to make sure he was okay. No answer, nor no response to my text message. Okay, I knew how much dancing with me meant to him, so I was getting pretty worried. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, or even worse. At this point, worrying about him like I was, I realized that I still had feelings for him. I had to acknowledge that fact.
At this point, while I was still waiting for him to get his ass to Paradise, it seemed like the guys who I've had some sort of involvement with just started to show up in my "personal space". First the guy who I'd been toying with the idea of getting together with approached me at the bar. He flirted like he does, and I did a little flirting back. But then after a bit, he did what he usually does and retreats - it's become a habit with him, and I just turned my back on him, because this little act of his was getting very old. I was totally over it ... and over giving him any attention at all.
Of course, after he took off, another one of my guys (I don't want to call him anything at all, 'cause I've never known what to call him at all) approached me and wanted to do his stupid flirting and trying to pick me up - once again. Been there, done that - and I don't want to deal with the guy anymore! He just kept talking, but all I was hearing was a little bird squawking in my ear. So I just, politely, asked him to leave me alone. He got the point after a bit, and just left.
But was that enough? Hell no!
Next came another guy who I don't know, other than he's friends with my friends, but he swears that we were together once before. He must have me mistaken for another sexy black man (after all, I hear that we all look alike) and I wish he'd stop staring at me from across the bar every time he sees me out around town. It's getting spooky - and old!
And after all this mess, the club is about a half-hour from closing, and my ex never showed. So I just decided to get my coat and go home. Of course, while waiting for my coat, I ran into a friend of mine. And he told me something amazing - or maybe I should say it was a bit of deja vu. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home; that I was supposed to meet my ex (who he knows as well) for a night of dancing, but he never showed up. I also told him that I really hope my ex was not hurt or anything because he was looking forward to dancing so much tonight.
Then my friend told me that my ex was tossing back drinks earlier that evening at the local gay watering hole - something I didn't want to hear. My friend asked me if I wanted to go with he and his buddies to get a drink somewhere. I declined, and I just hopped in the taxicab and went home.
I was thoroughly pissed. I woke up this morning, ready to go to boot camp and kick some ass. I got a text message from my ex, apologizing to me, saying he fell asleep and slept right through the dancing and meeting me. I just went to the gym, and while working out, I realized why I was so pissed. I realized that I wasn't upset because my ex never showed up; I was upset because no matter what the reason was that he didn't show up, I no longer trust him - or for that matter, I don't trust anyone or anything people say or do to me anymore.
It was sad for me, because I had to come to the acknowledgement that the trusting Eric who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses was no longer inside of me. And the word trusting, which always described me to a "T", could no longer be used as an adjective to describe me.
And I'm going to miss him. Because for the first time, I understand why I wanted to keep that Eric inside me - I wanted him with me because without him, I feel like I'm on my way to the world of cynicism.
And that's a place I never wanted to visit, and I knew I never wanted to live there.
So I'm leaving all these guys, all this drama, and all this chaos behind me.
Now maybe I can accomplish my goals - of rewritting my novel a bit to acknowledge my mother's life the way it should be acknowledged, and getting the gay life in Asbury Park made into a reality show.
And maybe now I can get back to me.
Perhaps it's because I needed to keep myself busy while living in "the world of gayness".
Or perhaps it's just because I wanted to find my place in all this drama.
For whatever reason I've found myself in the space that I'm in, I think I just want to take a break from the drama in my life ... and in fact, the dramatic persons in my life.
Yesterday I started out in the morning with such hopefulness. I don't know why I was so hopeful, but I just knew that yesterday was going to be a special day for me. I'd not felt so hopeful since my mother passed away, so I just believed that things would be really special for me yesterday.
I had my day all planned once I woke up yesterday. First I was going to do some massive cleaning of my home - truth be told, I've been so busy with work as of late, that I hadn't had a chance to give my home a thorough cleaning. But I threw myself into cleaning my place, and I felt good afterward.
Next, I went to the gym to do some boxing and serious workout. So I threw myself into my workout, and I felt so good afterward. The workout was a success.
Then I returned home to get myself together because I was having dinner over my golden gals' home. I was pretty sick all week long, so all I really have been able to eat has been soup, soup and more soup. I was all souped out! So I was so happy to have a home-cooked meal. And hanging with my golden gals was so much fun. We laughed and had an amazing time. I really needed that, boy!
The next phase of my evening was the point in the night that I'd been looking forward to all day long. I was going dancing at Club Paradise with my ex-boyfriend, whom I've been able to maintain a good friendship with since we've ended things. But to be honest, we'd discussed the connection between us and how after all this time, we were still emotionally connected. I hadn't been in a place to venture back into a relationship, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I know I'd been hurt by some actions in our relationship, but I knew that I'd put all that hurt behind me. And I knew that he wanted to get things started again for some time.
For some reason, I knew yesterday that I'd be in a position to "possibly" give it another try ... or at least discuss the possibility. He helped me tremendously during the time following my mother's death, and I'd recently been there for him during his grandmother's passing. He'd shown me the type of person I knew he could be, and I was trusting again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So when he asked me to go dancing with him, as well as go to dinner for Valentine's Day tonight, I was going to let myself be open to the possibility of maybe opening the door a little for him to be in my life again - not as a boyfriend, but as a "friend with benefits".
So I went to Paradise, all ready for a night of dancing. But as the minutes passed, and the first hour passed, I knew he'd eventually get there to meet me. He was only an hour late, right? I sent him a text message just to see where he was. Then as two hours had passed, I gave him a call to make sure he was okay. No answer, nor no response to my text message. Okay, I knew how much dancing with me meant to him, so I was getting pretty worried. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, or even worse. At this point, worrying about him like I was, I realized that I still had feelings for him. I had to acknowledge that fact.
At this point, while I was still waiting for him to get his ass to Paradise, it seemed like the guys who I've had some sort of involvement with just started to show up in my "personal space". First the guy who I'd been toying with the idea of getting together with approached me at the bar. He flirted like he does, and I did a little flirting back. But then after a bit, he did what he usually does and retreats - it's become a habit with him, and I just turned my back on him, because this little act of his was getting very old. I was totally over it ... and over giving him any attention at all.
Of course, after he took off, another one of my guys (I don't want to call him anything at all, 'cause I've never known what to call him at all) approached me and wanted to do his stupid flirting and trying to pick me up - once again. Been there, done that - and I don't want to deal with the guy anymore! He just kept talking, but all I was hearing was a little bird squawking in my ear. So I just, politely, asked him to leave me alone. He got the point after a bit, and just left.
But was that enough? Hell no!
Next came another guy who I don't know, other than he's friends with my friends, but he swears that we were together once before. He must have me mistaken for another sexy black man (after all, I hear that we all look alike) and I wish he'd stop staring at me from across the bar every time he sees me out around town. It's getting spooky - and old!
And after all this mess, the club is about a half-hour from closing, and my ex never showed. So I just decided to get my coat and go home. Of course, while waiting for my coat, I ran into a friend of mine. And he told me something amazing - or maybe I should say it was a bit of deja vu. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home; that I was supposed to meet my ex (who he knows as well) for a night of dancing, but he never showed up. I also told him that I really hope my ex was not hurt or anything because he was looking forward to dancing so much tonight.
Then my friend told me that my ex was tossing back drinks earlier that evening at the local gay watering hole - something I didn't want to hear. My friend asked me if I wanted to go with he and his buddies to get a drink somewhere. I declined, and I just hopped in the taxicab and went home.
I was thoroughly pissed. I woke up this morning, ready to go to boot camp and kick some ass. I got a text message from my ex, apologizing to me, saying he fell asleep and slept right through the dancing and meeting me. I just went to the gym, and while working out, I realized why I was so pissed. I realized that I wasn't upset because my ex never showed up; I was upset because no matter what the reason was that he didn't show up, I no longer trust him - or for that matter, I don't trust anyone or anything people say or do to me anymore.
It was sad for me, because I had to come to the acknowledgement that the trusting Eric who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses was no longer inside of me. And the word trusting, which always described me to a "T", could no longer be used as an adjective to describe me.
And I'm going to miss him. Because for the first time, I understand why I wanted to keep that Eric inside me - I wanted him with me because without him, I feel like I'm on my way to the world of cynicism.
And that's a place I never wanted to visit, and I knew I never wanted to live there.
So I'm leaving all these guys, all this drama, and all this chaos behind me.
Now maybe I can accomplish my goals - of rewritting my novel a bit to acknowledge my mother's life the way it should be acknowledged, and getting the gay life in Asbury Park made into a reality show.
And maybe now I can get back to me.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
What a long, strange trip it's been ... and it's time to return to normal
I haven't written a blog in over a month, and I've missed it.
I've been busy with a huge project at work, and it's just beginning the next phase. Boy, I'm tired!
The other reason it's been some time since my last blog entry is pretty selfish on my part, I hate to say. This past month, as I've been throwing myself into my work, it's been easier than thinking about being depressed about my mother's recent passing. It's been a difficult time, since my mother passed away. Especially over the holidays. The holidays is exactly what my mother loved - and she loved it to the hilt.
I've been doing a lot of crying behind closed doors. I haven't wanted to lean on my family and friends to help me get through the holidays, nor did I want them to feel sorry for me. I've been doing enough of that for everyone.
So I've tried to desperately keep them at bay by partying as much as I could. I don't think people are really in a position to see me cry, because most are used to hearing me laugh. Plus, I've discovered that it takes more energy to cry than laugh. And people have said that they love to hear my laugh. So I want to make others happy, right?
But I guess if I really want to get past all the sadness, I need to explore it. But I don't want to explore it. Because if I explore it, I'm just afraid that I'll just drown in the sadness. So I've been partying and working as much as I can. But I know - it's time to get over the sadness over my mother. And I may need some help with that.
But in the process of dealing with things, I am proud of myself for not falling into the arms of some random guy who just wanted to have their way with me. I've learned that lesson, and I'm happy that I didn't fall back into the "old Eric"!
But I think it's time to figure things out and make some definite headway in dealing with the grief that I know I haven't dealt with thus far.
Boy, self reflection is good for the soul I suppose.
I've been busy with a huge project at work, and it's just beginning the next phase. Boy, I'm tired!
The other reason it's been some time since my last blog entry is pretty selfish on my part, I hate to say. This past month, as I've been throwing myself into my work, it's been easier than thinking about being depressed about my mother's recent passing. It's been a difficult time, since my mother passed away. Especially over the holidays. The holidays is exactly what my mother loved - and she loved it to the hilt.
I've been doing a lot of crying behind closed doors. I haven't wanted to lean on my family and friends to help me get through the holidays, nor did I want them to feel sorry for me. I've been doing enough of that for everyone.
So I've tried to desperately keep them at bay by partying as much as I could. I don't think people are really in a position to see me cry, because most are used to hearing me laugh. Plus, I've discovered that it takes more energy to cry than laugh. And people have said that they love to hear my laugh. So I want to make others happy, right?
But I guess if I really want to get past all the sadness, I need to explore it. But I don't want to explore it. Because if I explore it, I'm just afraid that I'll just drown in the sadness. So I've been partying and working as much as I can. But I know - it's time to get over the sadness over my mother. And I may need some help with that.
But in the process of dealing with things, I am proud of myself for not falling into the arms of some random guy who just wanted to have their way with me. I've learned that lesson, and I'm happy that I didn't fall back into the "old Eric"!
But I think it's time to figure things out and make some definite headway in dealing with the grief that I know I haven't dealt with thus far.
Boy, self reflection is good for the soul I suppose.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Do something nice for the holidays and donate Coats For Kids
It's been a couple of weeks since I've blogged. And I'll get back to my normal blogging shortly.
This entry is a call out to all the good folks in the community, and surrounding areas, to donate a coat during the COATS FOR KIDS drive, occurring Sunday, Dec. 12th from 3 to 9 p.m. at The Harrison, located at 716 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park.
The event is run by my good friend David Hoffman, and its goal is to collect new and used coats - all sizes and styles - for the holiday to distribute to needy families.
So make sure to get out to The Harrison and help make this worthy cause a smashing success!
This entry is a call out to all the good folks in the community, and surrounding areas, to donate a coat during the COATS FOR KIDS drive, occurring Sunday, Dec. 12th from 3 to 9 p.m. at The Harrison, located at 716 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park.
The event is run by my good friend David Hoffman, and its goal is to collect new and used coats - all sizes and styles - for the holiday to distribute to needy families.
So make sure to get out to The Harrison and help make this worthy cause a smashing success!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I'm no dancing queen ... or am I?
This has been one stressful week!
I feel like all my energy is spent, but I'm glad today begins my vacation week.
This week is Thanksgiving, and I always take vacation time during this week. It's my favorite holiday, one that I've always been so happy to share with my mom. This was one of her favorite holidays, too, because she would get to spend it with all her family around her.
So I was always so thankful to get to see her on Thanksgiving.
This will be the first holiday without my mother. I won't get to see her this Thanksgiving - our holiday. This week will be so difficult for me, but it was going to be a bit easier because my ex-boyfriend (as of 13 days) had made a lot of plans with me to get me through the week. But as he is no longer in the picture, the plans are no longer in the picture, either.
I'm going to my brother's house for Thanksgiving family dinner, but as for the rest of the week, I have to come up with alternate plans to get through this week.
So I guess I'm going to need to fill the time with something else that I love to do - dance!
I love to dance, and in Asbury Park, I usually always dance at Club Paradise. That's really the only place in the city to sufficiently dance the night away. So I guess I'll dance as much as I can this week. Maybe I'll head up to Philly to dance at Woody's, New Hope to dance at Nevermore, or Manhattan to dance at a slew of places - Pyramid or The Ritz, perhaps. And tonight, I'm going to dance the night away at Club Paradise.
It's funny - I love to show off my ability to morph from a serious businessman into a dancing fool. But I never would dance in front of my mother. I don't think she's ever seen me dance. I've always been shy to dance in front of my mother because I thought she'd think I was a bit of a dancing queen, so to speak. I thought she'd be embarrassed.
But I wish she were able to see me acting like a dancing queen in a disco; I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.
So maybe I'll do a hell of a lot of dancing this week. And maybe mom will be looking down on me, finally able to see her youngest son show off his dancing skills.
She'll finally be able to see that I am, indeed, a dancing queen.
I feel like all my energy is spent, but I'm glad today begins my vacation week.
This week is Thanksgiving, and I always take vacation time during this week. It's my favorite holiday, one that I've always been so happy to share with my mom. This was one of her favorite holidays, too, because she would get to spend it with all her family around her.
So I was always so thankful to get to see her on Thanksgiving.
This will be the first holiday without my mother. I won't get to see her this Thanksgiving - our holiday. This week will be so difficult for me, but it was going to be a bit easier because my ex-boyfriend (as of 13 days) had made a lot of plans with me to get me through the week. But as he is no longer in the picture, the plans are no longer in the picture, either.
I'm going to my brother's house for Thanksgiving family dinner, but as for the rest of the week, I have to come up with alternate plans to get through this week.
So I guess I'm going to need to fill the time with something else that I love to do - dance!
I love to dance, and in Asbury Park, I usually always dance at Club Paradise. That's really the only place in the city to sufficiently dance the night away. So I guess I'll dance as much as I can this week. Maybe I'll head up to Philly to dance at Woody's, New Hope to dance at Nevermore, or Manhattan to dance at a slew of places - Pyramid or The Ritz, perhaps. And tonight, I'm going to dance the night away at Club Paradise.
It's funny - I love to show off my ability to morph from a serious businessman into a dancing fool. But I never would dance in front of my mother. I don't think she's ever seen me dance. I've always been shy to dance in front of my mother because I thought she'd think I was a bit of a dancing queen, so to speak. I thought she'd be embarrassed.
But I wish she were able to see me acting like a dancing queen in a disco; I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.
So maybe I'll do a hell of a lot of dancing this week. And maybe mom will be looking down on me, finally able to see her youngest son show off his dancing skills.
She'll finally be able to see that I am, indeed, a dancing queen.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Mama used to say take your time young man, don't you rush to get old
For those who know the '80s song "Mama Used To Say" by an artist named Junior, you know exactly what these song lyrics mean.
I learned a lot from my mother - how to make sure people don't take advantage of you, how to make the best of a bad situation, and how to love the best that you can.
This past week has been very stressful, and I've been going through my own personal hell, it would seem. This week has been difficult, and yesterday I just needed to talk to Mama. So I drove back to my hometown yesterday in an attempt to visit my Mama. My plan was to go to visit my mama at the cemetery and talk to her. I haven't been back to the cemetery since the funeral last month. I thought it would be too hard.
I thought right.
I drove down, but I just couldn't go to my Mama's gravesite. I thought, "What's going on? I'm 42 years old (but I look not a day over 30 - in gay years, and plus 'black don't crack'!) so I can't understand why I can't go to my mom's grave!?!"
Perhaps it is too soon for me. It wasn't that it was so spooky or dreary, but it was more like I felt awkward visiting her and talking to her when she's not there to answer me immediately. I would give anything to have Mama butt into my business and drive me crazy with offering her opinion on what's going on in my life.
I wanted to talk to my Mama about my boyfriend Andrew. Or I guess I have to get used to calling the guy "ex-boyfriend". Although I could call him "jerk", "a**hole", "loser" or "cheat"! But I'm a gentleman, so I'm just going to refer to him as "womanizer"!
Don't get me wrong - I don't think of him as a womanizer and I sure as hell ain't no woman, but I do think he has all the trademarks.
I was going to title this blog entry "How to become a mistress without really trying", but I ruled against it. You see, I was a mistress but I had no idea. I chose to find a man in a place other than Asbury Park because I was just so sick and tired of dealing with the city's craziness and trying to navigate the gay scene. After all, when I first came out, I spent a lot of time in New York, and that's actually where I found my first boyfriend. And how ironic, that's where I found my LAST boyfriend. I'm bowing out of the dating scene ... it's just too horrendous for me! Please don't cry for me or think I'm a foolish cad - I have been witness to many success stories and have been privy to many loving gay relationships.
I do know that some gay couples work out and are very happy and loving; I'm just realizing that I won't be one of them. I give my all and just get trampled in the dust by these guys who claim to care so deeply and love me.
I had given up on finding the man of my dreams; fairytales rarely come true - or at least for me.
So when I found Andrew, and he wanted to enter into a relationship with me, I was cautious but a bit excited. We met in an ordinary way - I met him one night at a local bar this past summer. He was visiting Asbury Park for the first time, and when he saw me up on stage singing karaoke, his friend told me that he said to her, "I want that guy!" So when he approached me and struck up a conversation, I was obviously interested in talking to him. He was attractive, had a great smile, knew how to talk "to me" and not "at me", and complimented me on my energy and good looks. I was a sucker for his good-natured attitude and attention.
So we left the bar and decided to hang out at his hotel. We spent a lot of time talking outside of the hotel on the patio. We shared many of the same interests. But one thing about him I didn't like - his smoking. See, I usually don't date smokers, mainly because my mother's smoking started her on a downward health spiral. Smoking was the beginning of her poor health issues. So I made the decision to not date smokers.
I should have followed my first instinct. But of course, feelings and the heat of the moment got the best of me, and we "got together" - and I'm sure you know what I mean without having to say it.
Afterward, we didn't exchange numbers ... he wanted to, but I just didn't want to exchange digits - I was still not believing in love and didn't want to even deal with any more men. So we left each other that night and just knew we wouldn't run into each other again.
Little did I know ...
A couple of weeks had passed, and I received an email from him. He tracked me down through my job (forgot I initially told him at first meeting where I worked), and he sent me an email saying he enjoyed our meeting and he still wanted to get together and start dating. His persistence wore me down, and I agreed to date him. In the midst of all this bliss I was feeling with Andrew, my mother passed away.
I really wasn't in the mood to even date anyone at this time, or even continue things with him. But he was very patient and loving to me, so I continued things with him and let him be there for me. He helped me through the roughest time in my life, and through him being there for me, my feelings that I'd been trying to keep under wraps and hold back from him burst through. I was falling hard for him.
So as the weeks continued, we kept things hot and heavy. He was, turning out, to actually be the man of my dreams!
But then the dream became a nightmare! I was spending the weekend with him last weekend, and I was very happy. I won't go into too many details, but suffice to say, things ended between us last weekend. After a few months of all this, from meeting him - having relations with him - he wearing me down and agreeing to start a relationship - he helping me through a horrible time - being there for each other no matter what, he cut things off.
The horrible reason - I was his mistress, so to speak. There was another person, and guilt got the better of the situation. And to add insult to injury, I had no idea about any of this.
So the trust I have for any of these men has totally disappeared! I will no longer let any of them in my life ... or in my heart ... ever again.
I'm not being bitter; I'm just being smart.
And just like Mama used to say, I'm going to take my time and just let me be me. If I learned anything from watching my Mama deal with a lifetime of disappointment at the hands of love, it's that love will let you down. The best love you can have is a love of yourself. And thank goodness my mom had that, because I can take some comfort in that.
So no more men or dating for me, because even the ones who seem like they are good as gold can easily slide under the radar with me.
I'm just too naive to be in a relationship. Just sayin'!!
I learned a lot from my mother - how to make sure people don't take advantage of you, how to make the best of a bad situation, and how to love the best that you can.
This past week has been very stressful, and I've been going through my own personal hell, it would seem. This week has been difficult, and yesterday I just needed to talk to Mama. So I drove back to my hometown yesterday in an attempt to visit my Mama. My plan was to go to visit my mama at the cemetery and talk to her. I haven't been back to the cemetery since the funeral last month. I thought it would be too hard.
I thought right.
I drove down, but I just couldn't go to my Mama's gravesite. I thought, "What's going on? I'm 42 years old (but I look not a day over 30 - in gay years, and plus 'black don't crack'!) so I can't understand why I can't go to my mom's grave!?!"
Perhaps it is too soon for me. It wasn't that it was so spooky or dreary, but it was more like I felt awkward visiting her and talking to her when she's not there to answer me immediately. I would give anything to have Mama butt into my business and drive me crazy with offering her opinion on what's going on in my life.
I wanted to talk to my Mama about my boyfriend Andrew. Or I guess I have to get used to calling the guy "ex-boyfriend". Although I could call him "jerk", "a**hole", "loser" or "cheat"! But I'm a gentleman, so I'm just going to refer to him as "womanizer"!
Don't get me wrong - I don't think of him as a womanizer and I sure as hell ain't no woman, but I do think he has all the trademarks.
I was going to title this blog entry "How to become a mistress without really trying", but I ruled against it. You see, I was a mistress but I had no idea. I chose to find a man in a place other than Asbury Park because I was just so sick and tired of dealing with the city's craziness and trying to navigate the gay scene. After all, when I first came out, I spent a lot of time in New York, and that's actually where I found my first boyfriend. And how ironic, that's where I found my LAST boyfriend. I'm bowing out of the dating scene ... it's just too horrendous for me! Please don't cry for me or think I'm a foolish cad - I have been witness to many success stories and have been privy to many loving gay relationships.
I do know that some gay couples work out and are very happy and loving; I'm just realizing that I won't be one of them. I give my all and just get trampled in the dust by these guys who claim to care so deeply and love me.
I had given up on finding the man of my dreams; fairytales rarely come true - or at least for me.
So when I found Andrew, and he wanted to enter into a relationship with me, I was cautious but a bit excited. We met in an ordinary way - I met him one night at a local bar this past summer. He was visiting Asbury Park for the first time, and when he saw me up on stage singing karaoke, his friend told me that he said to her, "I want that guy!" So when he approached me and struck up a conversation, I was obviously interested in talking to him. He was attractive, had a great smile, knew how to talk "to me" and not "at me", and complimented me on my energy and good looks. I was a sucker for his good-natured attitude and attention.
So we left the bar and decided to hang out at his hotel. We spent a lot of time talking outside of the hotel on the patio. We shared many of the same interests. But one thing about him I didn't like - his smoking. See, I usually don't date smokers, mainly because my mother's smoking started her on a downward health spiral. Smoking was the beginning of her poor health issues. So I made the decision to not date smokers.
I should have followed my first instinct. But of course, feelings and the heat of the moment got the best of me, and we "got together" - and I'm sure you know what I mean without having to say it.
Afterward, we didn't exchange numbers ... he wanted to, but I just didn't want to exchange digits - I was still not believing in love and didn't want to even deal with any more men. So we left each other that night and just knew we wouldn't run into each other again.
Little did I know ...
A couple of weeks had passed, and I received an email from him. He tracked me down through my job (forgot I initially told him at first meeting where I worked), and he sent me an email saying he enjoyed our meeting and he still wanted to get together and start dating. His persistence wore me down, and I agreed to date him. In the midst of all this bliss I was feeling with Andrew, my mother passed away.
I really wasn't in the mood to even date anyone at this time, or even continue things with him. But he was very patient and loving to me, so I continued things with him and let him be there for me. He helped me through the roughest time in my life, and through him being there for me, my feelings that I'd been trying to keep under wraps and hold back from him burst through. I was falling hard for him.
So as the weeks continued, we kept things hot and heavy. He was, turning out, to actually be the man of my dreams!
But then the dream became a nightmare! I was spending the weekend with him last weekend, and I was very happy. I won't go into too many details, but suffice to say, things ended between us last weekend. After a few months of all this, from meeting him - having relations with him - he wearing me down and agreeing to start a relationship - he helping me through a horrible time - being there for each other no matter what, he cut things off.
The horrible reason - I was his mistress, so to speak. There was another person, and guilt got the better of the situation. And to add insult to injury, I had no idea about any of this.
So the trust I have for any of these men has totally disappeared! I will no longer let any of them in my life ... or in my heart ... ever again.
I'm not being bitter; I'm just being smart.
And just like Mama used to say, I'm going to take my time and just let me be me. If I learned anything from watching my Mama deal with a lifetime of disappointment at the hands of love, it's that love will let you down. The best love you can have is a love of yourself. And thank goodness my mom had that, because I can take some comfort in that.
So no more men or dating for me, because even the ones who seem like they are good as gold can easily slide under the radar with me.
I'm just too naive to be in a relationship. Just sayin'!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The milk of human kindness can get pretty sour sometimes
It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted a blog. As you know from my past recent blogs, my mother passed away in October, and the last blog I wrote was the one I posted the night before her funeral, "I'll always love my momma 'cause she's my favorite girl".
Since her death, things have been very hard. I'm so glad that my friends - and even my acquaintances - have been there for me. Their support and unconditional love has made things a bit easier.
It's difficult to get back to normal after dealing with such a major loss. To be honest, I've been working overtime to just get back to normal and make sure the many people in my life don't feel like I'm still so fragile.
But I am still very fragile. I've been trying my best to make sure those closest to me feel like I'm okay because I need them to not feel awkward around me, like I'm going to collapse into tears. Well the tears have come less often over the past couple of weeks. So I'm hopeful that means I'm getting back to normal.
My guy Andrew has been a rock for me while I've been going through this difficult time. He's shown me that he is there for me - unconditionally - and will stand by me no matter what I'm going through. I've always felt like I had to be the strong one, but being with Andrew has taught me that I can be the weaker one.
In my previous relationships, I always felt like I had to be the strong one, the one who had to always uplift them to a higher level and be the breadwinner. It made me feel like I was no longer their equal partner, but instead their parent. And that just was not a good thing at all!
But Andrew - he's the real deal. It feels like I've been preparing for him during these past few years since I've come out, for finding him and getting myself ready to be the man he needs me to be. I'm also feeling a bit more confident in showing him my vulnerable, somewhat cautious nature. I know that I no longer need to wear that mask, the one people sometimes keep on themselves until they feel like the other person is not going to run for the hills when they see you aren't "perfect".
I'm so glad Andrew has been there for me as my rock.
Now that I've given praise to all who've been there for me these past few weeks, I must get into something that I've been avoiding talking about because I didn't want to feel like I'm insensitive. One person who has been there for me as well as all my other friends has been someone who I used to be involved with. I'm glad he's been there for me as of late - as my friend. I never wanted anything more than that, especially since I've moved on with another man. I'd made that very clear, and we didn't have the best relationship.
But I guess people cannot control their emotions sometimes, and feelings just happen when you least expect it. My feelings were clear - I just wanted to keep a friendship alive; nothing more.
I thought everything was fine and all of our cards were on the table. But then again, gay men are a different breed, I suppose.
And this little nugget of information reared its ugly head at the most inopportune moment - a Halloween party.
My friends were throwing their annual party, and although I felt a bit apprehensive about having a fun time (I felt like I was being disrespectful to my mother for having a fun time - I've felt that way, internally - a lot these past weeks), but I decided to dress up and have some fun. I dressed up as Venus Williams.
An aside ... I don't really make the most attractive woman! Ha! Ha!
So dealing with my inner feelings of guilt about having fun, I tried to put that out of my mind and just have the best time possible. Well as the night progressed, and it got a little later, a young man who has been interested - in some way, shape or form - in my ex-boyfriend decided to give me an earful about "how things have really been since my mother died." This conversation did not make me feel very good, especially since this young man was alluding that my mother's death had made my ex-boyfriend treat this young man like crap.
He let me know that my ex was throwing this young man aside because, as he put it, "you needed him and he just couldn't let you go, and he's not going to stop trying to get you back because he said he's the only person who has been there for you, and you can't handle life without him"!
(Insert a shocked look on my face and a shuddering gasp! here)
This young man, it appears, was blaming my mother's death for his losing my ex. I was totally floored. And even though I kept telling this "kid" that I have moved on and I have no interest at all in my ex, he just kept getting on my nerves about it. Not only that, but he was telling me things my ex told him about my relationship with my mother that only my ex could have told him.
At first I was just trying to be gracious and cordial by even tolerating this young man, who clearly had serious issues himself.
Then my gracious nature was morphing into sadness because just the thought that my ex was using my mother's death as a scapegoat to unload this young man, who my ex knew was heading to my friends' Halloween bash to crash it, was desperate and unfortunate. My ex had to have known that this young man would eventually confront me about being pushed aside.
Then my sadness quickly turned to anger, and I just had to leave the festivities before I exploded.
To top it off, this young man had the audacity to call me a few days later and ask me out for a drink. I told him that I was not interested, obviously, because as I told him over and over again during the party, I was totally involved and happy with my guy, Andrew. Get a clue!!
I have the unsettling feeling that this young man is still clueless, but I'm very hopeful that he got the point - finally!
I think I've also learned my lesson in accepting some individuals' human kindness. Because it's so obvious to me now that, sometimes, the milk of human kindness can get pretty sour.
So this is why I'm really looking forward to getting away from Asbury Park - at least for this weekend - and spending it in Manhattan with a sweet soul like Andrew. He is so far removed from drama, and right now, there is a little too much drama in Asbury Park - at least too much drama for me!
To end on a good note: I thank, cherish, love and appreciate all of those people in my life who have helped me survive such a difficult time. And that means all of you! :)
Since her death, things have been very hard. I'm so glad that my friends - and even my acquaintances - have been there for me. Their support and unconditional love has made things a bit easier.
It's difficult to get back to normal after dealing with such a major loss. To be honest, I've been working overtime to just get back to normal and make sure the many people in my life don't feel like I'm still so fragile.
But I am still very fragile. I've been trying my best to make sure those closest to me feel like I'm okay because I need them to not feel awkward around me, like I'm going to collapse into tears. Well the tears have come less often over the past couple of weeks. So I'm hopeful that means I'm getting back to normal.
My guy Andrew has been a rock for me while I've been going through this difficult time. He's shown me that he is there for me - unconditionally - and will stand by me no matter what I'm going through. I've always felt like I had to be the strong one, but being with Andrew has taught me that I can be the weaker one.
In my previous relationships, I always felt like I had to be the strong one, the one who had to always uplift them to a higher level and be the breadwinner. It made me feel like I was no longer their equal partner, but instead their parent. And that just was not a good thing at all!
But Andrew - he's the real deal. It feels like I've been preparing for him during these past few years since I've come out, for finding him and getting myself ready to be the man he needs me to be. I'm also feeling a bit more confident in showing him my vulnerable, somewhat cautious nature. I know that I no longer need to wear that mask, the one people sometimes keep on themselves until they feel like the other person is not going to run for the hills when they see you aren't "perfect".
I'm so glad Andrew has been there for me as my rock.
Now that I've given praise to all who've been there for me these past few weeks, I must get into something that I've been avoiding talking about because I didn't want to feel like I'm insensitive. One person who has been there for me as well as all my other friends has been someone who I used to be involved with. I'm glad he's been there for me as of late - as my friend. I never wanted anything more than that, especially since I've moved on with another man. I'd made that very clear, and we didn't have the best relationship.
But I guess people cannot control their emotions sometimes, and feelings just happen when you least expect it. My feelings were clear - I just wanted to keep a friendship alive; nothing more.
I thought everything was fine and all of our cards were on the table. But then again, gay men are a different breed, I suppose.
And this little nugget of information reared its ugly head at the most inopportune moment - a Halloween party.
My friends were throwing their annual party, and although I felt a bit apprehensive about having a fun time (I felt like I was being disrespectful to my mother for having a fun time - I've felt that way, internally - a lot these past weeks), but I decided to dress up and have some fun. I dressed up as Venus Williams.
An aside ... I don't really make the most attractive woman! Ha! Ha!
So dealing with my inner feelings of guilt about having fun, I tried to put that out of my mind and just have the best time possible. Well as the night progressed, and it got a little later, a young man who has been interested - in some way, shape or form - in my ex-boyfriend decided to give me an earful about "how things have really been since my mother died." This conversation did not make me feel very good, especially since this young man was alluding that my mother's death had made my ex-boyfriend treat this young man like crap.
He let me know that my ex was throwing this young man aside because, as he put it, "you needed him and he just couldn't let you go, and he's not going to stop trying to get you back because he said he's the only person who has been there for you, and you can't handle life without him"!
(Insert a shocked look on my face and a shuddering gasp! here)
This young man, it appears, was blaming my mother's death for his losing my ex. I was totally floored. And even though I kept telling this "kid" that I have moved on and I have no interest at all in my ex, he just kept getting on my nerves about it. Not only that, but he was telling me things my ex told him about my relationship with my mother that only my ex could have told him.
At first I was just trying to be gracious and cordial by even tolerating this young man, who clearly had serious issues himself.
Then my gracious nature was morphing into sadness because just the thought that my ex was using my mother's death as a scapegoat to unload this young man, who my ex knew was heading to my friends' Halloween bash to crash it, was desperate and unfortunate. My ex had to have known that this young man would eventually confront me about being pushed aside.
Then my sadness quickly turned to anger, and I just had to leave the festivities before I exploded.
To top it off, this young man had the audacity to call me a few days later and ask me out for a drink. I told him that I was not interested, obviously, because as I told him over and over again during the party, I was totally involved and happy with my guy, Andrew. Get a clue!!
I have the unsettling feeling that this young man is still clueless, but I'm very hopeful that he got the point - finally!
I think I've also learned my lesson in accepting some individuals' human kindness. Because it's so obvious to me now that, sometimes, the milk of human kindness can get pretty sour.
So this is why I'm really looking forward to getting away from Asbury Park - at least for this weekend - and spending it in Manhattan with a sweet soul like Andrew. He is so far removed from drama, and right now, there is a little too much drama in Asbury Park - at least too much drama for me!
To end on a good note: I thank, cherish, love and appreciate all of those people in my life who have helped me survive such a difficult time. And that means all of you! :)
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