I thought I was well through all five stages of the breaking up process, but I realized that was not the case.
Actually I did it in a different order, and I think that may have been the problem.
For those who don't know, the five stages - in order - are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then ultimately, acceptance.
It's been over a year since I broke up with this particular ex-boyfriend. And even though we've been able to manage to hold onto a friendship (part of the bargaining stage), something just kept nagging at me. I was trying to figure out what was "off" about this entire situation. And then it hit me about a month ago.
What I realized, as I encountered him at a local Asbury Park establishment one night, was something I just wasn't prepared to experience.
I was feeling anger. I did go through (at stage 2) a bit of feeling upset. But I never felt angry about him or what he'd put me through during our relationship. When I ran into him last month I realized that I was feeling very angry. Then I immediately felt guilty that I was feeling anger.
I was angry at a lot:
Angry that he held me at arms length because he was insecure in loving me;
Angry that he caused a lot of chaos with my friendships;
Angry that he put his best friend ahead of me in so many aspects of our relationship;
Angry that I ingratiated him into my family with open arms, but he wouldn't let me meet his family;
Angry that I had to consistently hear rumors about him cheating on me - whether the rumors were true or false, I still had to deal with the gossip;
Angry that he always made me feel like I was so much better than he was and I was on a higher level, one he tried desperately to reach;
Angry that I gave him everything - emotionally and financially - throughout our relationship, and he never really gave too much back and hardly ever paid for anything;
Angry that he said that he loved me, but all too often he never showed me that love (or at the level I felt I should have been shown love);
Angry that he made me (and others) feel like I was his Sugar Daddy (when I'm way too young to even be one);
Angry that he couldn't control his alcohol and made a spectacle of himself, and most people thought I should have been babysitting his tantrums while we were out about town;
Angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I let myself do all these things for him, and I felt slightly stupid for providing unconditional love.
But I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with myself.
I guess in some ways I made him feel guilty or inadequate for not being as mature or successful in his life that I felt he should have been at this stage of his life.
But I know why I was angry at myself. I'm just getting past the anger, but I was angry at myself because I allowed him (albeit possibly unconsciously) to cause me to feel guilty for being successful professionally, personally and financially. He caused me to feel like I was too good for him, and like I knew it and lauded it over him.
I was angry and felt guilty because, deep down, I knew he was right. And, God forgive me, I think I still feel that way. And I don't like to feel that way because I don't want to think I might be a snob. Especially since a friend of mine mentioned to me some time ago that when he sees me around Asbury Park, I carry myself like I'm almost regal. He didn't mean it as an insult; only an observation.
But I realize that my ex felt the same way, and that's one of the reasons why he felt like he wasn't on my level.
Don't get me wrong - my ex has a lot of great qualities and he's genuinely a nice person. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him because I learned a lot about myself throughout our relationship.
And I'm glad the anger stage is past me. But I just hope that the next time I go through the break-up process (I have my fingers crossed that if I find romance again I never have to go through a break-up), I go through it in the order that the five stages are laid out.
It'll make things much easier. Or so I hope!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's impossible to get what you want if you never really say what you want
Out about town last night, I stopped into one of the bars in Asbury Park that I frequent.
And I'm glad that I did. It was very enlightening, and I think I may have a handle on what I need to do in my life to reach the next level.
One of my bartender friends gave me a very profound piece of wisdom. He said to me that you're not going to get what you want from these guys unless you start telling the guys what you want from them. And it was pretty profound, because I guess I do have the fear that if I tell someone what I want from them, then they might think they have power over me and turn me down.
Fear of rejection is a powerful force.
It's so weird that sometimes just someone saying something that deep down you already know, it just makes it easier to do what you need to do.
What prompted my friend to offer me this nugget of advice? Well while at the bar I ran into a guy who I've gone back and forth with, toying with the potential of a romantic involvement. And I've held this guy at arms length for some time, because I just don't trust that anyone will be genuine with their feelings towards me. The fact that my potential suitor hasn't made much progress with me could be my own fault because I don't trust guys at the moment.
So me and my potential suitor sat down and had a long conversation about so many things, and we learned a lot about each other and our lives. It was really good to open up to someone who just wanted to get to know me better. And I really should give him the benefit of the doubt; I need to realize that just because SOME guys have let me down doesn't mean ALL guys will let me down.
I guess you've guessed, if you've been following my blog, that I've been hurt and disappointed by men in the past. But I let them hurt and disappoint me. It's time to take that power back and put it into my own hands ... back where it belongs.
So the advice is something I've known for some time, but I was just afraid to acknowledge that I'm okay with expressing what I want because I deserve what I want. And if I don't tell people what I want, I ain't gonna get it.
So I'm going to tell people what I want, and I'm going to start getting what I deserve.
So here I go ...
I want a relationship, and I want someone to shower me with romance;
I don't want the casual sex but I do want the passion that goes into a sexual relationship;
I want guys who are interested in a strong, sensitive black man to approach me correct, because these guys who approach me and find themselves taken aback when they realize I'm not hood, but I am one black man who has intelligence, a successful career, financial stability and I can hold a conversation past "whazzup?" (I mean, really? I've been told that I'm the whitest black man people have ever met ... and they're 100% correct in that assessment);
I want love from a man who doesn't see me as a dollar sign, a bank account with a smile;
I want it all!
So now I've spelled it out, and hopefully things will get better and I'll get what I want.
And I'm glad that I did. It was very enlightening, and I think I may have a handle on what I need to do in my life to reach the next level.
One of my bartender friends gave me a very profound piece of wisdom. He said to me that you're not going to get what you want from these guys unless you start telling the guys what you want from them. And it was pretty profound, because I guess I do have the fear that if I tell someone what I want from them, then they might think they have power over me and turn me down.
Fear of rejection is a powerful force.
It's so weird that sometimes just someone saying something that deep down you already know, it just makes it easier to do what you need to do.
What prompted my friend to offer me this nugget of advice? Well while at the bar I ran into a guy who I've gone back and forth with, toying with the potential of a romantic involvement. And I've held this guy at arms length for some time, because I just don't trust that anyone will be genuine with their feelings towards me. The fact that my potential suitor hasn't made much progress with me could be my own fault because I don't trust guys at the moment.
So me and my potential suitor sat down and had a long conversation about so many things, and we learned a lot about each other and our lives. It was really good to open up to someone who just wanted to get to know me better. And I really should give him the benefit of the doubt; I need to realize that just because SOME guys have let me down doesn't mean ALL guys will let me down.
I guess you've guessed, if you've been following my blog, that I've been hurt and disappointed by men in the past. But I let them hurt and disappoint me. It's time to take that power back and put it into my own hands ... back where it belongs.
So the advice is something I've known for some time, but I was just afraid to acknowledge that I'm okay with expressing what I want because I deserve what I want. And if I don't tell people what I want, I ain't gonna get it.
So I'm going to tell people what I want, and I'm going to start getting what I deserve.
So here I go ...
I want a relationship, and I want someone to shower me with romance;
I don't want the casual sex but I do want the passion that goes into a sexual relationship;
I want guys who are interested in a strong, sensitive black man to approach me correct, because these guys who approach me and find themselves taken aback when they realize I'm not hood, but I am one black man who has intelligence, a successful career, financial stability and I can hold a conversation past "whazzup?" (I mean, really? I've been told that I'm the whitest black man people have ever met ... and they're 100% correct in that assessment);
I want love from a man who doesn't see me as a dollar sign, a bank account with a smile;
I want it all!
So now I've spelled it out, and hopefully things will get better and I'll get what I want.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sometimes I wish that my love life was just like my favorite love songs
I had dinner with my golden girls last night, and they mentioned something to me that I was not aware of. They were worried about me because of one of my most recent blog posts. So I just re-read it, and I can totally understand why they were worried about me.
I'm glad that I have close people in my life who will look out for me. I think that's the best thing about living in Asbury Park and enjoying the gay scene in the city.
It's a drastic opposite of some things that I dislike about the city's gay scene. Last week I went to the Miss Paradise Pageant. It was very long, and I guess they wanted to showcase every single drag performer in Asbury Park and the surrounding area. I was intending to do a write-up on the pageant, but it went way, way too long for me to write anything about it. I mean, really? The pageant only had 4 contestants; it shouldn't have taken almost four hours to crown a drag queen as the next Miss Paradise. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. But to be honest, the drag queens who performed gave their all and they did a fantastic job!
I was sort of surprised that I went anyway, because I did something very nice for one of the past Miss Paradise drag queens, and she didn't even say "thank you". That left a very sour taste in my mouth, but no big deal I guess because one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, right?
So there's always good and bad within the gay community in this city.
But I digress ...
The point of this blog really breaks down to a love song. I was working out at the gym and one of my favorite love songs came on my iPod. It's not really the type of love song like "Truly" by Lionel Richie or "At Last" by Etta James.
This song is by the Jets, an '80s love song called "You've Got It All". That song, I wish, was one I could relate to right now. It's about a person who is in a new relationship, and they realize that the new person has finally made all the bad things perpetrated on them by their previous lover just fade away. Because the new person has given their all into making them forget all the horrific acts be the past love of their life.
I would like that in my life. I guess everyone wants a new love to help them forgive all the past misdeeds by their past loves. I think that's one of the reasons why my golden girls were so worried about me. I know me, and I know that I really don't need someone to help me get over my demons of the past.
When I read my past blog over again, I could actually feel the anger and loss in my words. I was having a mini-meltdown because I was so stressed from working so much, missing my mother and dealing with the crazy guys who've been interested in me and who've jerked me around. But I'm better now.
I'm also ready for a new love to bust into my life and show me as much love, passion and understanding as I know I, myself, am capable of doling out. But I'm not going to chase it down like I've done in the past. This time, they are going to chase after me. It's going to be an even trade by me and my future guy. No more me giving 80 percent and the other person giving 20 percent. It needs to be 50-50 or it won't work. I've learned my lesson.
So perhaps my love life will follow the lyrics of "You've Got It All" and my future guy will have it all over all the rest of my previous suitors.
One can only hope.
I'm glad that I have close people in my life who will look out for me. I think that's the best thing about living in Asbury Park and enjoying the gay scene in the city.
It's a drastic opposite of some things that I dislike about the city's gay scene. Last week I went to the Miss Paradise Pageant. It was very long, and I guess they wanted to showcase every single drag performer in Asbury Park and the surrounding area. I was intending to do a write-up on the pageant, but it went way, way too long for me to write anything about it. I mean, really? The pageant only had 4 contestants; it shouldn't have taken almost four hours to crown a drag queen as the next Miss Paradise. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. But to be honest, the drag queens who performed gave their all and they did a fantastic job!
I was sort of surprised that I went anyway, because I did something very nice for one of the past Miss Paradise drag queens, and she didn't even say "thank you". That left a very sour taste in my mouth, but no big deal I guess because one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, right?
So there's always good and bad within the gay community in this city.
But I digress ...
The point of this blog really breaks down to a love song. I was working out at the gym and one of my favorite love songs came on my iPod. It's not really the type of love song like "Truly" by Lionel Richie or "At Last" by Etta James.
This song is by the Jets, an '80s love song called "You've Got It All". That song, I wish, was one I could relate to right now. It's about a person who is in a new relationship, and they realize that the new person has finally made all the bad things perpetrated on them by their previous lover just fade away. Because the new person has given their all into making them forget all the horrific acts be the past love of their life.
I would like that in my life. I guess everyone wants a new love to help them forgive all the past misdeeds by their past loves. I think that's one of the reasons why my golden girls were so worried about me. I know me, and I know that I really don't need someone to help me get over my demons of the past.
When I read my past blog over again, I could actually feel the anger and loss in my words. I was having a mini-meltdown because I was so stressed from working so much, missing my mother and dealing with the crazy guys who've been interested in me and who've jerked me around. But I'm better now.
I'm also ready for a new love to bust into my life and show me as much love, passion and understanding as I know I, myself, am capable of doling out. But I'm not going to chase it down like I've done in the past. This time, they are going to chase after me. It's going to be an even trade by me and my future guy. No more me giving 80 percent and the other person giving 20 percent. It needs to be 50-50 or it won't work. I've learned my lesson.
So perhaps my love life will follow the lyrics of "You've Got It All" and my future guy will have it all over all the rest of my previous suitors.
One can only hope.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Things always look better in the morning ... or so I've been told
This has been one long, difficult week. And now that I've completed my therapy session this morning (washing and folding laundry), I can reflect on this week.
I've been working a lot, and I'm just burned out! It's time for a vacation - or should I say furcation - and I'm counting down the minutes (7 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact) that I can just relax and let all the stress go from my life.
This past week, I've been through the ringer - literally. Last Sunday I went to a pre-Valentine's Day dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was fun, and I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that we are friends and that I'm ready to move on. And I proved that to myself. See I guess that I was one of those hopeless disciples who just likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. So since I know that we can be friends, I can move on with a clear conscience.
A good thing to boost my ego happened on Valentine's Day. I was invited to dinner by two guys who I've had a passing fancy for recently. One of them - I am just so over him and all his drama and putting up with his wishy-washy personality. To be blunt, he dresses poorly for a gay man and I love fashion. So turning him down was a no-brainer on my part. The other guy, I am attracted to, I must admit. But I knew that if I opened that Pandora's box, there'd be no closing it. I like him, but I don't even want to go down that road because usually that road I travel ends up rolling straight off the edge of a cliff. And I just don't want to be bothered right now.
And I'm glad I've been following my instinct and self-analyzation ... my gut never lies. Because last night I decided to go to Club Paradise and ran into the both of these guys, in addition to my ex-boyfriend. My ex was hanging all over this guy like cheap cologne lingers on the body scent of someone exercising who refuses to wash it off before he works out at the gym! And the other two guys - well let's just say I guess one of them was experiencing a bout of "hard feelings" towards me. The other one did say "hi" but acted like I'd hurt his feelings or I was avoiding him. After all, I never told him I never wanted to go to dinner with him, I just told him I wasn't able to go out with him on Valentine's Day.
But you know what - all of this shade they are throwing my way is the exact reason why my motto is - whatever someone thinks about me is none of my business! And it's so true ... say it to yourself three times quickly and you'll feel awesome.
And this week was difficult because I had to travel back to my hometown on Wednesday to sign some papers and I stopped by my mother's gravesite to see her. The cemetery still has her gravesite in disarray, and the person who's buried next to her is still somewhat of an open grave; they haven't totally filled in the dirt on that person's grave. So you can imagine my feelings when I had to witness this scene. It still stings me greatly because I still feel like my mother's not at peace. And that's what I've been trying to acknowledge - that mom's at peace. And I can't be at peace with her death until she is finally in a good place.
So right now all I want is an ice cream cone. My mom always said that I made the best homemade ice cream cones. I never knew why she said that, but I'd make her the best ice cream cone I've ever made in my life if she were still here to eat it.
I guess everyone always thinks that way.
All I know is that my mom would have been so proud of me for letting go of these guys who are toads and just aren't right for me, and holding out for my prince. I used to always want to turn the toads into the princes, but I'm too old and - hopefully - wise to waste my time and energy in the efforts it takes to build the perfect beast.
I've tried to build the perfect beast in all my past relationships. From now on, I'm only giving my time, energy, efforts and passion to the guy who is already the prince.
Because he, in turn, would be getting a prince himself! No bragging, only acknowledging ...
Jus sayin'! :)
I've been working a lot, and I'm just burned out! It's time for a vacation - or should I say furcation - and I'm counting down the minutes (7 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact) that I can just relax and let all the stress go from my life.
This past week, I've been through the ringer - literally. Last Sunday I went to a pre-Valentine's Day dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was fun, and I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that we are friends and that I'm ready to move on. And I proved that to myself. See I guess that I was one of those hopeless disciples who just likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. So since I know that we can be friends, I can move on with a clear conscience.
A good thing to boost my ego happened on Valentine's Day. I was invited to dinner by two guys who I've had a passing fancy for recently. One of them - I am just so over him and all his drama and putting up with his wishy-washy personality. To be blunt, he dresses poorly for a gay man and I love fashion. So turning him down was a no-brainer on my part. The other guy, I am attracted to, I must admit. But I knew that if I opened that Pandora's box, there'd be no closing it. I like him, but I don't even want to go down that road because usually that road I travel ends up rolling straight off the edge of a cliff. And I just don't want to be bothered right now.
And I'm glad I've been following my instinct and self-analyzation ... my gut never lies. Because last night I decided to go to Club Paradise and ran into the both of these guys, in addition to my ex-boyfriend. My ex was hanging all over this guy like cheap cologne lingers on the body scent of someone exercising who refuses to wash it off before he works out at the gym! And the other two guys - well let's just say I guess one of them was experiencing a bout of "hard feelings" towards me. The other one did say "hi" but acted like I'd hurt his feelings or I was avoiding him. After all, I never told him I never wanted to go to dinner with him, I just told him I wasn't able to go out with him on Valentine's Day.
But you know what - all of this shade they are throwing my way is the exact reason why my motto is - whatever someone thinks about me is none of my business! And it's so true ... say it to yourself three times quickly and you'll feel awesome.
And this week was difficult because I had to travel back to my hometown on Wednesday to sign some papers and I stopped by my mother's gravesite to see her. The cemetery still has her gravesite in disarray, and the person who's buried next to her is still somewhat of an open grave; they haven't totally filled in the dirt on that person's grave. So you can imagine my feelings when I had to witness this scene. It still stings me greatly because I still feel like my mother's not at peace. And that's what I've been trying to acknowledge - that mom's at peace. And I can't be at peace with her death until she is finally in a good place.
So right now all I want is an ice cream cone. My mom always said that I made the best homemade ice cream cones. I never knew why she said that, but I'd make her the best ice cream cone I've ever made in my life if she were still here to eat it.
I guess everyone always thinks that way.
All I know is that my mom would have been so proud of me for letting go of these guys who are toads and just aren't right for me, and holding out for my prince. I used to always want to turn the toads into the princes, but I'm too old and - hopefully - wise to waste my time and energy in the efforts it takes to build the perfect beast.
I've tried to build the perfect beast in all my past relationships. From now on, I'm only giving my time, energy, efforts and passion to the guy who is already the prince.
Because he, in turn, would be getting a prince himself! No bragging, only acknowledging ...
Jus sayin'! :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary
Perhaps it's because I'm in Asbury Park and have thrown myself into the city's craziness.
Perhaps it's because I needed to keep myself busy while living in "the world of gayness".
Or perhaps it's just because I wanted to find my place in all this drama.
For whatever reason I've found myself in the space that I'm in, I think I just want to take a break from the drama in my life ... and in fact, the dramatic persons in my life.
Yesterday I started out in the morning with such hopefulness. I don't know why I was so hopeful, but I just knew that yesterday was going to be a special day for me. I'd not felt so hopeful since my mother passed away, so I just believed that things would be really special for me yesterday.
I had my day all planned once I woke up yesterday. First I was going to do some massive cleaning of my home - truth be told, I've been so busy with work as of late, that I hadn't had a chance to give my home a thorough cleaning. But I threw myself into cleaning my place, and I felt good afterward.
Next, I went to the gym to do some boxing and serious workout. So I threw myself into my workout, and I felt so good afterward. The workout was a success.
Then I returned home to get myself together because I was having dinner over my golden gals' home. I was pretty sick all week long, so all I really have been able to eat has been soup, soup and more soup. I was all souped out! So I was so happy to have a home-cooked meal. And hanging with my golden gals was so much fun. We laughed and had an amazing time. I really needed that, boy!
The next phase of my evening was the point in the night that I'd been looking forward to all day long. I was going dancing at Club Paradise with my ex-boyfriend, whom I've been able to maintain a good friendship with since we've ended things. But to be honest, we'd discussed the connection between us and how after all this time, we were still emotionally connected. I hadn't been in a place to venture back into a relationship, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I know I'd been hurt by some actions in our relationship, but I knew that I'd put all that hurt behind me. And I knew that he wanted to get things started again for some time.
For some reason, I knew yesterday that I'd be in a position to "possibly" give it another try ... or at least discuss the possibility. He helped me tremendously during the time following my mother's death, and I'd recently been there for him during his grandmother's passing. He'd shown me the type of person I knew he could be, and I was trusting again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So when he asked me to go dancing with him, as well as go to dinner for Valentine's Day tonight, I was going to let myself be open to the possibility of maybe opening the door a little for him to be in my life again - not as a boyfriend, but as a "friend with benefits".
So I went to Paradise, all ready for a night of dancing. But as the minutes passed, and the first hour passed, I knew he'd eventually get there to meet me. He was only an hour late, right? I sent him a text message just to see where he was. Then as two hours had passed, I gave him a call to make sure he was okay. No answer, nor no response to my text message. Okay, I knew how much dancing with me meant to him, so I was getting pretty worried. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, or even worse. At this point, worrying about him like I was, I realized that I still had feelings for him. I had to acknowledge that fact.
At this point, while I was still waiting for him to get his ass to Paradise, it seemed like the guys who I've had some sort of involvement with just started to show up in my "personal space". First the guy who I'd been toying with the idea of getting together with approached me at the bar. He flirted like he does, and I did a little flirting back. But then after a bit, he did what he usually does and retreats - it's become a habit with him, and I just turned my back on him, because this little act of his was getting very old. I was totally over it ... and over giving him any attention at all.
Of course, after he took off, another one of my guys (I don't want to call him anything at all, 'cause I've never known what to call him at all) approached me and wanted to do his stupid flirting and trying to pick me up - once again. Been there, done that - and I don't want to deal with the guy anymore! He just kept talking, but all I was hearing was a little bird squawking in my ear. So I just, politely, asked him to leave me alone. He got the point after a bit, and just left.
But was that enough? Hell no!
Next came another guy who I don't know, other than he's friends with my friends, but he swears that we were together once before. He must have me mistaken for another sexy black man (after all, I hear that we all look alike) and I wish he'd stop staring at me from across the bar every time he sees me out around town. It's getting spooky - and old!
And after all this mess, the club is about a half-hour from closing, and my ex never showed. So I just decided to get my coat and go home. Of course, while waiting for my coat, I ran into a friend of mine. And he told me something amazing - or maybe I should say it was a bit of deja vu. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home; that I was supposed to meet my ex (who he knows as well) for a night of dancing, but he never showed up. I also told him that I really hope my ex was not hurt or anything because he was looking forward to dancing so much tonight.
Then my friend told me that my ex was tossing back drinks earlier that evening at the local gay watering hole - something I didn't want to hear. My friend asked me if I wanted to go with he and his buddies to get a drink somewhere. I declined, and I just hopped in the taxicab and went home.
I was thoroughly pissed. I woke up this morning, ready to go to boot camp and kick some ass. I got a text message from my ex, apologizing to me, saying he fell asleep and slept right through the dancing and meeting me. I just went to the gym, and while working out, I realized why I was so pissed. I realized that I wasn't upset because my ex never showed up; I was upset because no matter what the reason was that he didn't show up, I no longer trust him - or for that matter, I don't trust anyone or anything people say or do to me anymore.
It was sad for me, because I had to come to the acknowledgement that the trusting Eric who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses was no longer inside of me. And the word trusting, which always described me to a "T", could no longer be used as an adjective to describe me.
And I'm going to miss him. Because for the first time, I understand why I wanted to keep that Eric inside me - I wanted him with me because without him, I feel like I'm on my way to the world of cynicism.
And that's a place I never wanted to visit, and I knew I never wanted to live there.
So I'm leaving all these guys, all this drama, and all this chaos behind me.
Now maybe I can accomplish my goals - of rewritting my novel a bit to acknowledge my mother's life the way it should be acknowledged, and getting the gay life in Asbury Park made into a reality show.
And maybe now I can get back to me.
Perhaps it's because I needed to keep myself busy while living in "the world of gayness".
Or perhaps it's just because I wanted to find my place in all this drama.
For whatever reason I've found myself in the space that I'm in, I think I just want to take a break from the drama in my life ... and in fact, the dramatic persons in my life.
Yesterday I started out in the morning with such hopefulness. I don't know why I was so hopeful, but I just knew that yesterday was going to be a special day for me. I'd not felt so hopeful since my mother passed away, so I just believed that things would be really special for me yesterday.
I had my day all planned once I woke up yesterday. First I was going to do some massive cleaning of my home - truth be told, I've been so busy with work as of late, that I hadn't had a chance to give my home a thorough cleaning. But I threw myself into cleaning my place, and I felt good afterward.
Next, I went to the gym to do some boxing and serious workout. So I threw myself into my workout, and I felt so good afterward. The workout was a success.
Then I returned home to get myself together because I was having dinner over my golden gals' home. I was pretty sick all week long, so all I really have been able to eat has been soup, soup and more soup. I was all souped out! So I was so happy to have a home-cooked meal. And hanging with my golden gals was so much fun. We laughed and had an amazing time. I really needed that, boy!
The next phase of my evening was the point in the night that I'd been looking forward to all day long. I was going dancing at Club Paradise with my ex-boyfriend, whom I've been able to maintain a good friendship with since we've ended things. But to be honest, we'd discussed the connection between us and how after all this time, we were still emotionally connected. I hadn't been in a place to venture back into a relationship, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I know I'd been hurt by some actions in our relationship, but I knew that I'd put all that hurt behind me. And I knew that he wanted to get things started again for some time.
For some reason, I knew yesterday that I'd be in a position to "possibly" give it another try ... or at least discuss the possibility. He helped me tremendously during the time following my mother's death, and I'd recently been there for him during his grandmother's passing. He'd shown me the type of person I knew he could be, and I was trusting again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So when he asked me to go dancing with him, as well as go to dinner for Valentine's Day tonight, I was going to let myself be open to the possibility of maybe opening the door a little for him to be in my life again - not as a boyfriend, but as a "friend with benefits".
So I went to Paradise, all ready for a night of dancing. But as the minutes passed, and the first hour passed, I knew he'd eventually get there to meet me. He was only an hour late, right? I sent him a text message just to see where he was. Then as two hours had passed, I gave him a call to make sure he was okay. No answer, nor no response to my text message. Okay, I knew how much dancing with me meant to him, so I was getting pretty worried. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, or even worse. At this point, worrying about him like I was, I realized that I still had feelings for him. I had to acknowledge that fact.
At this point, while I was still waiting for him to get his ass to Paradise, it seemed like the guys who I've had some sort of involvement with just started to show up in my "personal space". First the guy who I'd been toying with the idea of getting together with approached me at the bar. He flirted like he does, and I did a little flirting back. But then after a bit, he did what he usually does and retreats - it's become a habit with him, and I just turned my back on him, because this little act of his was getting very old. I was totally over it ... and over giving him any attention at all.
Of course, after he took off, another one of my guys (I don't want to call him anything at all, 'cause I've never known what to call him at all) approached me and wanted to do his stupid flirting and trying to pick me up - once again. Been there, done that - and I don't want to deal with the guy anymore! He just kept talking, but all I was hearing was a little bird squawking in my ear. So I just, politely, asked him to leave me alone. He got the point after a bit, and just left.
But was that enough? Hell no!
Next came another guy who I don't know, other than he's friends with my friends, but he swears that we were together once before. He must have me mistaken for another sexy black man (after all, I hear that we all look alike) and I wish he'd stop staring at me from across the bar every time he sees me out around town. It's getting spooky - and old!
And after all this mess, the club is about a half-hour from closing, and my ex never showed. So I just decided to get my coat and go home. Of course, while waiting for my coat, I ran into a friend of mine. And he told me something amazing - or maybe I should say it was a bit of deja vu. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home; that I was supposed to meet my ex (who he knows as well) for a night of dancing, but he never showed up. I also told him that I really hope my ex was not hurt or anything because he was looking forward to dancing so much tonight.
Then my friend told me that my ex was tossing back drinks earlier that evening at the local gay watering hole - something I didn't want to hear. My friend asked me if I wanted to go with he and his buddies to get a drink somewhere. I declined, and I just hopped in the taxicab and went home.
I was thoroughly pissed. I woke up this morning, ready to go to boot camp and kick some ass. I got a text message from my ex, apologizing to me, saying he fell asleep and slept right through the dancing and meeting me. I just went to the gym, and while working out, I realized why I was so pissed. I realized that I wasn't upset because my ex never showed up; I was upset because no matter what the reason was that he didn't show up, I no longer trust him - or for that matter, I don't trust anyone or anything people say or do to me anymore.
It was sad for me, because I had to come to the acknowledgement that the trusting Eric who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses was no longer inside of me. And the word trusting, which always described me to a "T", could no longer be used as an adjective to describe me.
And I'm going to miss him. Because for the first time, I understand why I wanted to keep that Eric inside me - I wanted him with me because without him, I feel like I'm on my way to the world of cynicism.
And that's a place I never wanted to visit, and I knew I never wanted to live there.
So I'm leaving all these guys, all this drama, and all this chaos behind me.
Now maybe I can accomplish my goals - of rewritting my novel a bit to acknowledge my mother's life the way it should be acknowledged, and getting the gay life in Asbury Park made into a reality show.
And maybe now I can get back to me.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
What a long, strange trip it's been ... and it's time to return to normal
I haven't written a blog in over a month, and I've missed it.
I've been busy with a huge project at work, and it's just beginning the next phase. Boy, I'm tired!
The other reason it's been some time since my last blog entry is pretty selfish on my part, I hate to say. This past month, as I've been throwing myself into my work, it's been easier than thinking about being depressed about my mother's recent passing. It's been a difficult time, since my mother passed away. Especially over the holidays. The holidays is exactly what my mother loved - and she loved it to the hilt.
I've been doing a lot of crying behind closed doors. I haven't wanted to lean on my family and friends to help me get through the holidays, nor did I want them to feel sorry for me. I've been doing enough of that for everyone.
So I've tried to desperately keep them at bay by partying as much as I could. I don't think people are really in a position to see me cry, because most are used to hearing me laugh. Plus, I've discovered that it takes more energy to cry than laugh. And people have said that they love to hear my laugh. So I want to make others happy, right?
But I guess if I really want to get past all the sadness, I need to explore it. But I don't want to explore it. Because if I explore it, I'm just afraid that I'll just drown in the sadness. So I've been partying and working as much as I can. But I know - it's time to get over the sadness over my mother. And I may need some help with that.
But in the process of dealing with things, I am proud of myself for not falling into the arms of some random guy who just wanted to have their way with me. I've learned that lesson, and I'm happy that I didn't fall back into the "old Eric"!
But I think it's time to figure things out and make some definite headway in dealing with the grief that I know I haven't dealt with thus far.
Boy, self reflection is good for the soul I suppose.
I've been busy with a huge project at work, and it's just beginning the next phase. Boy, I'm tired!
The other reason it's been some time since my last blog entry is pretty selfish on my part, I hate to say. This past month, as I've been throwing myself into my work, it's been easier than thinking about being depressed about my mother's recent passing. It's been a difficult time, since my mother passed away. Especially over the holidays. The holidays is exactly what my mother loved - and she loved it to the hilt.
I've been doing a lot of crying behind closed doors. I haven't wanted to lean on my family and friends to help me get through the holidays, nor did I want them to feel sorry for me. I've been doing enough of that for everyone.
So I've tried to desperately keep them at bay by partying as much as I could. I don't think people are really in a position to see me cry, because most are used to hearing me laugh. Plus, I've discovered that it takes more energy to cry than laugh. And people have said that they love to hear my laugh. So I want to make others happy, right?
But I guess if I really want to get past all the sadness, I need to explore it. But I don't want to explore it. Because if I explore it, I'm just afraid that I'll just drown in the sadness. So I've been partying and working as much as I can. But I know - it's time to get over the sadness over my mother. And I may need some help with that.
But in the process of dealing with things, I am proud of myself for not falling into the arms of some random guy who just wanted to have their way with me. I've learned that lesson, and I'm happy that I didn't fall back into the "old Eric"!
But I think it's time to figure things out and make some definite headway in dealing with the grief that I know I haven't dealt with thus far.
Boy, self reflection is good for the soul I suppose.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Do something nice for the holidays and donate Coats For Kids
It's been a couple of weeks since I've blogged. And I'll get back to my normal blogging shortly.
This entry is a call out to all the good folks in the community, and surrounding areas, to donate a coat during the COATS FOR KIDS drive, occurring Sunday, Dec. 12th from 3 to 9 p.m. at The Harrison, located at 716 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park.
The event is run by my good friend David Hoffman, and its goal is to collect new and used coats - all sizes and styles - for the holiday to distribute to needy families.
So make sure to get out to The Harrison and help make this worthy cause a smashing success!
This entry is a call out to all the good folks in the community, and surrounding areas, to donate a coat during the COATS FOR KIDS drive, occurring Sunday, Dec. 12th from 3 to 9 p.m. at The Harrison, located at 716 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park.
The event is run by my good friend David Hoffman, and its goal is to collect new and used coats - all sizes and styles - for the holiday to distribute to needy families.
So make sure to get out to The Harrison and help make this worthy cause a smashing success!
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