Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary

Perhaps it's because I'm in Asbury Park and have thrown myself into the city's craziness.
Perhaps it's because I needed to keep myself busy while living in "the world of gayness".
Or perhaps it's just because I wanted to find my place in all this drama.
For whatever reason I've found myself in the space that I'm in, I think I just want to take a break from the drama in my life ... and in fact, the dramatic persons in my life.
Yesterday I started out in the morning with such hopefulness. I don't know why I was so hopeful, but I just knew that yesterday was going to be a special day for me. I'd not felt so hopeful since my mother passed away, so I just believed that things would be really special for me yesterday.
I had my day all planned once I woke up yesterday. First I was going to do some massive cleaning of my home - truth be told, I've been so busy with work as of late, that I hadn't had a chance to give my home a thorough cleaning. But I threw myself into cleaning my place, and I felt good afterward.
Next, I went to the gym to do some boxing and serious workout. So I threw myself into my workout, and I felt so good afterward. The workout was a success.
Then I returned home to get myself together because I was having dinner over my golden gals' home. I was pretty sick all week long, so all I really have been able to eat has been soup, soup and more soup. I was all souped out! So I was so happy to have a home-cooked meal. And hanging with my golden gals was so much fun. We laughed and had an amazing time. I really needed that, boy!
The next phase of my evening was the point in the night that I'd been looking forward to all day long. I was going dancing at Club Paradise with my ex-boyfriend, whom I've been able to maintain a good friendship with since we've ended things. But to be honest, we'd discussed the connection between us and how after all this time, we were still emotionally connected. I hadn't been in a place to venture back into a relationship, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I know I'd been hurt by some actions in our relationship, but I knew that I'd put all that hurt behind me. And I knew that he wanted to get things started again for some time.
For some reason, I knew yesterday that I'd be in a position to "possibly" give it another try ... or at least discuss the possibility. He helped me tremendously during the time following my mother's death, and I'd recently been there for him during his grandmother's passing. He'd shown me the type of person I knew he could be, and I was trusting again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So when he asked me to go dancing with him, as well as go to dinner for Valentine's Day tonight, I was going to let myself be open to the possibility of maybe opening the door a little for him to be in my life again - not as a boyfriend, but as a "friend with benefits".
So I went to Paradise, all ready for a night of dancing. But as the minutes passed, and the first hour passed, I knew he'd eventually get there to meet me. He was only an hour late, right? I sent him a text message just to see where he was. Then as two hours had passed, I gave him a call to make sure he was okay. No answer, nor no response to my text message. Okay, I knew how much dancing with me meant to him, so I was getting pretty worried. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, or even worse. At this point, worrying about him like I was, I realized that I still had feelings for him. I had to acknowledge that fact.
At this point, while I was still waiting for him to get his ass to Paradise, it seemed like the guys who I've had some sort of involvement with just started to show up in my "personal space". First the guy who I'd been toying with the idea of getting together with approached me at the bar. He flirted like he does, and I did a little flirting back. But then after a bit, he did what he usually does and retreats - it's become a habit with him, and I just turned my back on him, because this little act of his was getting very old. I was totally over it ... and over giving him any attention at all.
Of course, after he took off, another one of my guys (I don't want to call him anything at all, 'cause I've never known what to call him at all) approached me and wanted to do his stupid flirting and trying to pick me up - once again. Been there, done that - and I don't want to deal with the guy anymore! He just kept talking, but all I was hearing was a little bird squawking in my ear. So I just, politely, asked him to leave me alone. He got the point after a bit, and just left.
But was that enough? Hell no!
Next came another guy who I don't know, other than he's friends with my friends, but he swears that we were together once before. He must have me mistaken for another sexy black man (after all, I hear that we all look alike) and I wish he'd stop staring at me from across the bar every time he sees me out around town. It's getting spooky - and old!
And after all this mess, the club is about a half-hour from closing, and my ex never showed. So I just decided to get my coat and go home. Of course, while waiting for my coat, I ran into a friend of mine. And he told me something amazing - or maybe I should say it was a bit of deja vu. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home; that I was supposed to meet my ex (who he knows as well) for a night of dancing, but he never showed up. I also told him that I really hope my ex was not hurt or anything because he was looking forward to dancing so much tonight.
Then my friend told me that my ex was tossing back drinks earlier that evening at the local gay watering hole - something I didn't want to hear. My friend asked me if I wanted to go with he and his buddies to get a drink somewhere. I declined, and I just hopped in the taxicab and went home.
I was thoroughly pissed. I woke up this morning, ready to go to boot camp and kick some ass. I got a text message from my ex, apologizing to me, saying he fell asleep and slept right through the dancing and meeting me. I just went to the gym, and while working out, I realized why I was so pissed. I realized that I wasn't upset because my ex never showed up; I was upset because no matter what the reason was that he didn't show up, I no longer trust him - or for that matter, I don't trust anyone or anything people say or do to me anymore.
It was sad for me, because I had to come to the acknowledgement that the trusting Eric who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses was no longer inside of me. And the word trusting, which always described me to a "T", could no longer be used as an adjective to describe me.
And I'm going to miss him. Because for the first time, I understand why I wanted to keep that Eric inside me - I wanted him with me because without him, I feel like I'm on my way to the world of cynicism.
And that's a place I never wanted to visit, and I knew I never wanted to live there.
So I'm leaving all these guys, all this drama, and all this chaos behind me.
Now maybe I can accomplish my goals - of rewritting my novel a bit to acknowledge my mother's life the way it should be acknowledged,  and getting the gay life in Asbury Park made into a reality show.
And maybe now I can get back to me.