A mysterious funky mood falls over me every once in a while. I have no idea why it happens, but it just occurs and stays for short time. This happens to all of us, but for me, I know it’s just residual feelings about a vicious cycle in my life.
Whenever this occurs, there are two songs that I listen to incessantly. The first song, “Alone Again, Naturally” by Gilbert O’Sullivan, speaks to me on so many levels. You see, in my relations over the years, I’ve found myself getting involved with individuals who aren’t really in a position to get involved with me for any long-term situation.
My last blog post, “Sometimes an affair to remember should not be forgotten,” addressed the fact that any sort of sexual indiscretion should be treasured and not regretted because it makes you the person you are today. And that I, myself, never feel guilty over any of mine.
Well, perhaps I don’t feel guilty, but I do look inside myself to figure out something that continues to elude me. I try to figure out why, even though I don’t regret it, why I sometimes (upon reflection) feel a little slighted.
Well I know why, and I must admit, it’s a little shameful to admit out loud. In a number of those situations, I always feel like I’m just the pit stop for the guy to reach his ultimate goal. They tend to find their loving partners after they spend time in my universe.
Sad to say, but there are two types of lovers – the ones you want in your future, and the ones you can only see in your past. This situation always reminds me of “The Way We Were.”
A brief synopsis of the film if you’ve not seen it: Barbra Streisand’s character, Katie, falls in love with Hubbell Gardiner, played by Robert Redford. Hubbell is a WASP who aspires to be a screenwriter; Katie is a politically active Jew, and after the two marry, her activism threatens Hubbell’s reputation in the industry. The two divorce some years later and both move on to other spouses. He marries a simple, Jackie Kennedy-type woman, but it is so evident that, even though Katie was so strong-willed, that is exactly the type of woman he needs.
This marks my point: Most men know they need to be with a partner who is safe, the Jackie Kennedy-type when you are making your moves upward in your gay life. But those men are well aware that you do need those activists who don’t sit back quietly and take the safe route in life, the guys who will challenge you to make the uneasy choices, and who’ll stand right by your side, not two steps behind you.
Some of us are Katie; some of us aren’t. I know that in certain relations, I’m too much of a Katie; it’s inbred in me, and I can’t change that about me. That may cause me to find that I’m the type that guys can only see in their past, because I don’t walk two steps behind the man I get involved with … I walk beside that man, or, *gulp*, in front of him. I’ve never been a shrinking violet. And who truly wants to be involved with the Jackie Kennedy-type of guy? Well, it appears a lot of guys do.
So this is one of the reasons I find myself in that funky mood at different times, when I feel like people just don’t understand me or get me. So it’s these times that I listen to Gilbert O’Sullivan’s song.
Now I said that I listen to two songs during these moods. The other song is sort of my redemption song, what I play in my head – and on my radio – over and over. This song, Gladys Knight and the Pips’ “I’ve Got to Use My Imagination,” is sort of an anthem for me.
This song reminds me that, although I may not be everyone’s dream husband material, I have a hell of a lot of things to offer, and if guys can’t see that and only look at being involved with me as a pit stop to their future ex-husband when boredom sets in, it’s their loss not mine.
There is a verse in the song that trumpets for me:
“Staring down reality
Don't do me no good
'Cause our misunderstanding
Is too well understood
Such a sad, sad season
When a good love dies
Not a day goes by
When I don't realize
I've really got to use my imagination
To think of good reasons
To keep on keepin' on”
Yes, sometimes we all must use our imagination, just to keep on keepin’ on. So, I guess this is something I need to work on changing about myself, allowing men to use me as a pit stop. I’m determined to break this cycle – even if it kills me.
The song, it just puts a pep in my step and I just grab a scarf and get to dancing – by myself, with others; heck, anything I see.
Now I don’t regret any of the “pit stops,” because it has made me the man I am today. I love myself first and foremost, so I know that as long as I have a strong and abiding love for myself, that’s the best I can have … next to God’s love.
So for those many men – the “Hubbells” in my life over the years – who have considered me their pit stop, I thank you. That probably sounds weird, but if not for all of you, the man I ultimately settle down with will know that he was chosen, not settled upon. And he will accept the “Katie” in me for all her glory.
