Going to the chapel and going to get married! Going to the chapel of love

I'm sure that you've already heard that same-sex partners are now allowed to get married. Or at least we are in the final stretch of marriage equality.
Euphoria has overtaken the country - at least for those who are happy about it. Those vehemently against marriage equality are seething, but who really cares if they are angry? No one really cares. It's a time for celebration, and most members of the LGBTQ community are doing a lot of celebrating this weekend, especially today, in New York City.
What this all means in a nutshell:
The Supreme Court made two highly anticipated decisions on same-sex marriage, striking down the Defense of Marriage Act and dismissing California’s Proposition 8 case. The 1996 federal law defined the institution of marriage as a union between a man and a woman, thus denying federal benefits for gay couples whose marriages were recognized at the state level — like joint tax returns, Social Security, health insurance, pension protection, benefits for military couples, and immigration protections for couples from different countries. But no longer: the court invalidated DOMA in a 5-4 ruling. The Prop 8 ruling, on the other hand, is less decisive and more complicated. Prop 8 is a 2008 California ballot initiative that prohibited same-sex marriage by amending the state’s constitution. The case was dismissed on the basis that the petitioners don’t have standing; since the California courts have already struck down Prop 8, the lawyers opposing the bill don’t have standing to defend it. This means the court has effectively validated the rulings of lower courts that have rejected Prop 8.
Same-sex partners will be heading to the chapel in droves; some already have.
In New Jersey, Gov. Chris Christie is still going to try hard to find some way so the LGBTQ community can't walk down the aisle. This is probably why the community will make sure he doesn't get re-elected.
Hours after the U.S. Supreme Court’s landmark ruling, Christie maintained his opposition to same-sex marriage and lambasted the high court. As he did last year, Christie said he would veto any gay marriage bill that reaches his desk. He accused Democrats of playing politics by refusing to put the issue up for referendum while asking voters to amend the constitution to tie future minimum wage increases to inflation.
So, this upcoming gubernatorial election is a big power play, now that the Supreme Court has given the LGBTQ community their right to marry. Make your voices heard, and don't think that just because we have gotten this far that we can rest now. There's still more to be done!

Now for me personally ...
I was going to break this blog entry in two parts. The reason: I didn't want to put a damper on such a historically positive subject. I am so happy that the LGBTQ community finally have marriage equality; we deserve it, and the struggle has been far too long.
We should be cheering from the rooftops, trying to grab a piece of the rainbow. And believe it or not, we have been. Everyone in the community seems to be ecstatic; we are jumping for joy. Hell, my cynical best friend is even ordained and able (and inspired) to marry the members of the LGBTQ community in what would most possibly be the gayest Judy Garland-inspired wedding ceremony ever to take place. He's fabulous, so it goes without saying that any ceremony he'd be overseeing would be fierce.
The community is so happy, so endearing, so joyous. They are bouncing off the walls!
So why aren't I? While everyone has been ecstatic, posting happy gay messages all over Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., I've just been overwhelmed and, I hate to say this, depressed a bit.
I couldn't figure out why my heart was sinking. I should have been one of the happiest gay men in the country, since I've put so much time and effort into the community and our struggles. I thought at first that I was anxious and depressed about all of this because, as a self-proclaimed romantic and Pollyanna at heart, it just meant that it would be so much harder to find the man of my dreams. I mean, the gays have been pairing up (some matches make me scratch my head and wonder "HOW") and ready to take that stroll down the aisle. Now people will be asking me, "So when are you getting married?" I never had to worry about that as a gay man ... until now.
But that's not why, actually. I didn't realize why I was feeling anxiety until I read a Facebook post from a good friend of mine. Basically his post acknowledged the Stonewall anniversary, giving credit and homage to those who kept pushing forward despite being beat down and beat up, and suggested that people make an effort to get to know their community in person and those who belong to it. In addition, we as a community should support the establishments that remain and make us feel like we have a place to go, right in our backyards. We all need to become a part of making our community the very best that it can be; make yourselves known and show yourself in the community. Get out from behind your gadgets and get into the community so we can become unified.
He was absolutely right! I have made so many personal goals to do just that, and I've accomplished these goals. I have instituted this blog to show the good, bad and ugly of the LGBTQ community; I volunteer in the community and with different organizations supporting the community; I worked long and hard to put together (with the help of my best friend) an annual prom to support the LGBTQ community so I can give a hefty donation to an LGBTQ organization who is giving their all back to the community; I always go out into the community and support the many establishments and businesses who are making it easy for this gay man to stay unified with my fellow LGBTQ members; I've worked with members of the community to help get politicians elected who will do whatever they can to get us equality.
I wouldn't have done anything differently because I knew the goal was to finally be equal in all aspects of this walk of life. To be honest, I think I'm just a bit burned out. I may sound like sour grapes with this next statement, but it saddens me a bit that maybe there are some members of the community who haven't lifted a finger to assist in the struggle for equality, but they've just sat back and reaped the benefits.
I felt sad that I was actually feeling this way. After all, we are finally going to have equal rights, so I should be happy and leave it at that. But for some reason, in the pit of my soul, I feel like we need to do more ... and we ALL need to do more.
I'm happy for those who will finally have their dreams become a reality and will be able to say "I do" to their beloved same-sex partners. And I pray that even though I've hidden it pretty well, that I, myself, can one day marry my beloved ... if he's even out there for me.
Yes, I'll forever be Charlotte from "Sex and the City"! Optimistic to a fault ... but never giving up!

Despite the best efforts, it's damn near impossible to put a lock on your heart

I had an affair with a married man.
I rarely talk about this time in my life because at times it's too painful to think about. It ended a couple of years ago, and to be honest, I didn't feel bad about having relations with this person. The man had been with his husband for years and they had an open relationship.
When we ended relations, it wasn't my decision. He had decided that it was no longer something he wanted to do, especially since he was happy with his partner. Unfortunately, by the time our affair was axed, I had feelings for him. I never exposed to him the fact that I had fallen for him - I felt some sort of embarassment.
We had an understanding that we wouldn't let any emotions interfere. But the heart will do what it wants, despite my best efforts to lock it up. I've been in a couple of other relationships with men that were very dear and special to me. But this man that I'd gotten into an affair with, well, he stole my heart. In a very real way, he was the only man who I was truly in love with.
I loved all the men who I let into my heart, don't get me wrong. But giving my full heart to, well that's a different story. I don't diminish any part of my relationships in any way. But this man is the only person I've ever been involved with who actually makes my heart ache when I see him.
So when I saw him the other day at a fundraising event, my heart was heavy. I knew that I'd see him there, but I was hoping that when I saw him I'd be able to prove to myself that he didn't mean much to me anymore.
I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do still have feelings for him. This angers me somewhat.
I don't have any ill feelings towards him, none at all. I wish him well, and I know that he didn't do anything to lead me on. It was an affair, plain and simple.
But it was good to see him.
Not because I had any fantasies of him grabbing me, picking me up in his arms and kissing me passionately. (Well, I sorta did!)
But because I needed to see that he and his husband were really happy together. I don't know why I needed to see that, perhaps because I needed to understand why I gave my heart to him anyway.
To this day I haven't found another man who has been able to touch my heart in that way. And trust me ~ I've been on the lookout. Of course people always tell me that I am always oblivious to guys who are interested in me.
I really do want to find another man to let into my life and heart, but it's so difficult to find that man.
So I'm hoping he's out there and will approach me. Can you believe some think I'm unapproachable??? Perhaps, but I won't bite ... well, not much.
The purpose of this blog post, I suppose, is to let this man off the hook. I haven't had the chance to say it to him, but to this man ~ I forgive you. And in the same breath, I forgive myself.
Now I think I can put all that, I don't know what it was, behind me. This man was a sweet, funny, attractive, kind-hearted gentleman, and I am glad that I was able to share part of myself with him for the time that we had.
(... I hope I don't seem too introspective and wistful, but this is what happens when I watch the part in the "Sex and the City" movie when Carrie finds the letters Big wrote to her!)