Right now I'm listening to one of my favorite '80s songs, "Why You Treat Me So Bad?" by Club Nouveau. This song used to always make me smile when I'd hear it back in the day. But today, right now, I have to wonder if this song has a few different meanings.
I've had to come to some conclusions during the past couple of weeks, and a couple of these revelations of sorts is making me sad. I haven't really gotten into this issue too much because I know that it would lead me to think too much about things.
I don't really like to think about immortality, but I've found that just like everyone else, I should be prepared for whatever happens in life.
I really am not in the frame of mind to delve too deep into this, but since I always say that this blog is about exposing things and how I perceive them, I have to be willing to do the same about myself.
I have medical issues that aren't letting me put it in my back pocket and let it go. I'ver known that I do have something wrong with my heart, and I haven't gotten into this issue with others because it just didn't feel like it was something I wanted to talk about. I'm not going to go any further than that in explanation of the situation because seriously, I don't want anyone to mention it to me or ask me about it, nor do I want them to act any differently toward me. And I trust no one will act any differently.
The reason I am sharing this information is because I need to examine some things in my life while I still am in a position to do so. Hey, I'm not stupid ... I know that no one knows what the future holds for them or how long they have on this Earth to make things right with people or show people how much they mean to you.
I had a dream last night about some people who I've held near and dear to me. I've made efforts to slow down in my work schedule and to avoid all stress. I know it's impossible to avoid all stress, but I'm making a valiant effort. I have some people in my life who I've tried to make sure that our relationships stay on the right course, but it just feels like I'm making the effort and not getting much in return. I know that people are going to do what they want to do and they will make as much effort as they humanly want to, but sometimes it seems like I'm being criticized for not going the extra mile, while some others aren't doing nearly enough (in my opinion - I repeat - my opinion).
See, I know all too well that life is short and you have to share your life with people when you can. But I'm also the type of person who will stress over a situation, and right now, that's not a good thing.
So I've decided to just let it go. I'm at that point, and that's a point that I've tried to make sure people knew to not get me to reaching.
If you have people in your life that you haven't spent a lot of time with, make an effort to change that. That's just my advice. There are some people I've made an effort to spend more time with, but I know there comes a time that I should just let it go and let people go on with their lives. That goes for family, friends and lovers.
Family: well, I tried to reach out to a family member to spend a little more time with, but I can only figure that since it has to be both parties trying on both ends, I can only do so much.
Friends: well, I know that you can only try to be with them as much as they will let you. If they want you around, they will open themselves up to let you be around. The days of me trying need to be a thing of the past because I have too much to deal with medically on my own front to keep trying. Hey, my door is open wide ... but all doors close after a certain point. A good point of advice which I've learned myself: "If you've given an effort, you can relax in the knowledge that you've done all that you can do. Friends will go the extra mile when they are in a position to do so. You should never apologize for being yourself; true friends will take the good with the bad."
An aside - friends also need to be able to be themselves around you. I hope a friend never tells you that even though they are R-rated, they find themselves having to be PG-13 when you are around. That's not a good thing to hear and will ultimately make you feel like there is something wrong with you. And that is never a good thing nor a good complex to deal with.
Lovers: my involvement with "Mr. Big" has left me wondering if things will ever even out. In an earlier blog I finally let people in on my situation with this guy, and if you recall I let you know that he has a very intense business and I was letting my guard down with him, believing that business would not interfere again. I know that I should just be happy that he wants to be a part of my life, but for me, dealing with things that I am, I want more. He's tied up in business deals right now, and I feel like I'm on the back burner. Life is short, and I don't want to waste any of it.
I guess things will work themselves out on all fronts ... in the end.
Okay, I'm going to end this blog entry on a brief note about the craziness in Asbury Park's gay community ...
Far be it from me to talk out of turn, but there is a phenomenon going around our fair city. It's called "Don't say you love me and kick my ass ... no wait, yes you can 'cause I have no backbone."
I've touched on this subject before, but there is one or two nutcases in this city who take this to a higher level. One of them, he's has a track record of being a lousy boyfriend to a few gay boyz who seem to have their life in order. But these boyz will do whatever it takes to keep this "bad boy" in their lives. Why, I never know. I don't see any redeeming qualities in this particular person.
But he's off-and-on with a nice guy, and he's physically hit this nice guy. Now I would have kicked some ass if some guy even attempted to lay a finger on me, but this nice guy would much rather slink after this loser and cry about him not being a good boyfriend and how he can't live without him. I say, "WHAT?"
I no longer have any tolerance for this crap. Who ever knew that some of these gay couples would be so openly tragic and violent toward one another?
My compassion for these "trampled upon" gay boyz who keep running back to their abusers has run its course. Any sympathy for your situation stops at my front door. I may complain about my own romantic situations in the confines of this blog, but I know it's my venting and I know the advice.
But boyz and gurls, if you are in a abusive relationship (my dear, I can't believe anyone still needs to say this line any longer!), get out of it before it's too late.
