This blog entry is dedicated to my sweet, sensitive, tough-talking mom.
As many may know by now, my mother passed away last week. And it's still rough, more so now than when I first found out she passed away. She put up a courageous battle to stay alive, but in the end she just did not have the strength to continue. She'd been sick off and on for many years, and although I'm glad that she is no longer in pain and suffering, I can't help but wish so much that she was still alive. We had so much unfinished business and conversations, and I just wanted - no needed - the opportunity to talk to her one last time.
That last time will never come. And I have a lot of unresolved issues that will never be resolved.
Mom struggled with a lifetime of unhappiness for many reasons that I will not get into right now. And right now, while dealing with her death, I have so many things that I need answers to and won't get them.
But no matter what, my mother loved me unconditionally. When she found out I was gay, she accepted it and never turned her back on me. Some individuals in the gay community never receive that sort of unconditional love. I spoke about this issue in one of my other blog entries. And I am so thankful that my mother got the chance to know me, and everything about me.
I do wish that my mother got the chance to meet the new man in my life. Finally, I've found a good man who wants to know everything about me - even though I'm sure at times I can be a handful. Even so, he still wants to be in a relationship with me.
He's cool, he's a principal and he's just so sweet and kind-hearted. This is someone who my mother always wanted me to have in my life, so I could get the chance to experience love from a person when I didn't have to try to make things work so hard. My mother would really like him.
I'm not going to make this blog entry too long because it's pretty painful for me to think about things and not explode into tears. I've been doing a lot of crying, and I always thought I wasn't the type to weep over things.
I learned a lot from my mother, and one thing haunts me that I just cannot figure out how to get past. My mother's main criticism of me (and also something she admired) was that I am a workaholic, just like my father. Now I'd been traveling two hours up to my mother's hospital for a few weeks to see her, watch over her and make sure everything was okay. She'd been on a ventilator, unable to breathe on her own for awhile.
Then I'd gotten a call, letting me know that she was finally able to breathe on her own and she was doing better than she had been for weeks. That night I was supposed to go down to see her, but since I'd gotten that call about her positive progress, I decided to work on a report for my job and go to see her the next day after work.
Unfortunately, time was not on our side, because that morning that I was going to travel down to visit my mother in the hospital, I'd gotten the call that she passed away.
I put work in front of my mother, once again. And I just can't get past it or forgive myself.
I'm thankful my mother is in a better place now. But I wish I had one more chance to share my life with her. There's still so much more I need to tell her, to talk to her about, and just to tell her she is loved.
My one piece of advice for everyone ... reach out to someone you love, someone who you may not have heard from in some time, and just let them know that you love them. Also, if you are at odds with someone, just squash the animosity and make up.
Life's too short, and that's a lesson I'm learning the hard way. I would not wish this feeling on anyone.
Take the advice ... it's free of charge and it's worth it!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Laughter in the rain
These days things are pretty stressful.
Those closest to me know that my mother has been struggling with poor health, and right now things look pretty shaky for her. I've been trying my best to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
My friends have been there for me every step of the way. Odd, but my mother's illness helped me bridge the gap and allow a friendship to resume. I really didn't think me and my ex (two of them, actually) would be able to be friends after all that we've been through. But I can count these two as friends now.
I'm glad, because if possible, you should always try to maintain a sort of friendship with people who've you'd had relations with, especially when everyone in our combined groups are in such a close-knit community.
I've been pretty broken up about my family's situation and how we must come together and rally around our mother. You see the good and bad in people in times like these, and I love my family.
It's raining heavily outside my window, as I'm watching the waves near the Asbury Park boardwalk crashing hard against the beach. But that's not the rain the title refers.
The rain, actually, are tears. I really thought I was somewhat incapable of crying. Although I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, only a handful of people over the years have witnessed me crying. I don't like people to see me cry - perhaps a pride issue, or could be that I've been taught to be strong and tough. That's where some people can see the "butch factor" in me.
But I do cry, and I've been doing a bit of it as I've been dealing with my mother's latest illness. For some reason, this time is different. She's really in a bad way, and I was standing in her hospital room last week, and I'd been told that she can sense what I would be saying to her. Still, I felt awkward because it's hard for me to open up to my mother even when she's conscious and able to answer me back.
I talked to her, and it was strange to not get any reaction (or opinion, for better or worse) from her. She always likes to "offer" her opinion on things, especially the fact that I'm a workaholic and don't get to see her all the time. It was just strange.
So that's the rain of which I speak. Now I'll tell you about the laughter.
The laughter has been a few instances over the past few days. Now I can laugh at myself so easily, but a few people in the gay community and their recent interactions with me - I'm not sure how much they were laughing with me (or at me, it's all according to how you look at it).
I was hanging out with one of my close friend Sunday night, trying to blow off steam, and hilarity ensued. It was like a string of events that, if I hadn't been there, I would have been pissed that I missed it!
First, we were at one of the bars in Asbury, and I ordered some food. Not an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence by any means, and I was legitimately hungry. I hadn't eaten too much, and hadn't had too much of an appetite as of late. So you know the feeling - this food, I was looking forward to more than usual.
This was actually the second time this happened to me, so the irony of the situation was not lost on me. Last time it was a friend who ate my food, so I chalked it up to sharing.
I went to the jukebox, and while I was gone, one of the lesbians in this bar (who I really can't stand too much) was drunk and out of her mind. Well, while I was at the jukebox playing songs, she ate my food! And I'd heard she owns a restaurant, so I would think she would have known better than to do that - whether drunk or sober! You know, I could have played the drama queen and confronted her, letting her know how pathetic she is and make her dish out the money to reimburse me. But instead, all of I could do was laugh uncontrollably with a few of my friends at the bar. It was hilarious after all!
Now the reason I said "one of the lesbians in this bar" is because some people are well aware that at this place, some lesbians (but definitely not all) act like they own the place. And they like to try to prove it. Really, some of them need to get a reality check, take a lesson from some of the other nicer lesbians in the establishment, and just stop the madness.
But this comedic moment was just the beginning of it all.
We left there and trekked a few blocks down to our next stop. A good guy in the city was having a birthday celebration, and it was also karaoke at the club. Now people who know me know that I love karaoke; if I could perform karaoke every night I'd be a happy camper.
One of my acquaintances asked me to dance to a karaoke song, and I agreed. So we were dancing, and as the song was ending, he decided to pull me into a dip. Now, I was not prepared for it, because the person leading is supposed to dip the other person; you shouldn't pull the lead into the dip - at least that's what I've been told. So when he did, I lost my balance and we went "BOOM" right onto the floor! I just started laughing uncontrollably ... it was hilarious! I don't think he thought it was as funny, but if you can't laugh at yourself -- well, you know the rest.
I know I needed that laughter very bad, and so I believe it was a good thing.
I thought I wouldn't get a chance to laugh again for awhile. But then last night I was feeling so out-of-sorts and pretty stressed because of work, my mother's condition and the family, and I decided to have a martini at one of favorite hangouts. And of course, since I didn't feel like being bothered, this was the night that some guy who I was not interested in talking to in the least kept grabbing me and trying to get me to talk to him. I told him politely that it was a bad day for me and I didn't want to be rude, but I just wanted to grab a drink and chill by myself - no offense.
So do you think he got the hint? Hell no he didn't! He kept bothering me and touching my hand while it was on the bar. Granted he was drunk, but I didn't want to be bothered by him. So when he moved a few seats down and fell asleep on the bar, I was ecstatic because he wouldn't be bothering me again. Seeing him fall asleep far away from me was funny, but the full-blown laughter came a few minutes later.
Another drunk guy (with whom I'm friendly) wanted to do a little PG-rated strip tease on the stage and when he tried to get up on the stage, he tripped and fell into the wall. Did that stop him? Hell no ... he immediately bounced to his feet like one of those balloon clowns that bounce back and forth as you hit it. Now I tried to keep from busting out in laughter 'cause I didn't want to embarrass him. But when I noticed another one of my friends saw this happen as well, we just looked at each other and fell out in loud laughter. Couldn't resist.
So you see - there can always be some laughter in the rain.
And as I'm laughing again as I'm writing this, I'm also praying for my mother.
And I ask that if you pray, that you pray for her as well. Thank you!
Those closest to me know that my mother has been struggling with poor health, and right now things look pretty shaky for her. I've been trying my best to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
My friends have been there for me every step of the way. Odd, but my mother's illness helped me bridge the gap and allow a friendship to resume. I really didn't think me and my ex (two of them, actually) would be able to be friends after all that we've been through. But I can count these two as friends now.
I'm glad, because if possible, you should always try to maintain a sort of friendship with people who've you'd had relations with, especially when everyone in our combined groups are in such a close-knit community.
I've been pretty broken up about my family's situation and how we must come together and rally around our mother. You see the good and bad in people in times like these, and I love my family.
It's raining heavily outside my window, as I'm watching the waves near the Asbury Park boardwalk crashing hard against the beach. But that's not the rain the title refers.
The rain, actually, are tears. I really thought I was somewhat incapable of crying. Although I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, only a handful of people over the years have witnessed me crying. I don't like people to see me cry - perhaps a pride issue, or could be that I've been taught to be strong and tough. That's where some people can see the "butch factor" in me.
But I do cry, and I've been doing a bit of it as I've been dealing with my mother's latest illness. For some reason, this time is different. She's really in a bad way, and I was standing in her hospital room last week, and I'd been told that she can sense what I would be saying to her. Still, I felt awkward because it's hard for me to open up to my mother even when she's conscious and able to answer me back.
I talked to her, and it was strange to not get any reaction (or opinion, for better or worse) from her. She always likes to "offer" her opinion on things, especially the fact that I'm a workaholic and don't get to see her all the time. It was just strange.
So that's the rain of which I speak. Now I'll tell you about the laughter.
The laughter has been a few instances over the past few days. Now I can laugh at myself so easily, but a few people in the gay community and their recent interactions with me - I'm not sure how much they were laughing with me (or at me, it's all according to how you look at it).
I was hanging out with one of my close friend Sunday night, trying to blow off steam, and hilarity ensued. It was like a string of events that, if I hadn't been there, I would have been pissed that I missed it!
First, we were at one of the bars in Asbury, and I ordered some food. Not an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence by any means, and I was legitimately hungry. I hadn't eaten too much, and hadn't had too much of an appetite as of late. So you know the feeling - this food, I was looking forward to more than usual.
This was actually the second time this happened to me, so the irony of the situation was not lost on me. Last time it was a friend who ate my food, so I chalked it up to sharing.
I went to the jukebox, and while I was gone, one of the lesbians in this bar (who I really can't stand too much) was drunk and out of her mind. Well, while I was at the jukebox playing songs, she ate my food! And I'd heard she owns a restaurant, so I would think she would have known better than to do that - whether drunk or sober! You know, I could have played the drama queen and confronted her, letting her know how pathetic she is and make her dish out the money to reimburse me. But instead, all of I could do was laugh uncontrollably with a few of my friends at the bar. It was hilarious after all!
Now the reason I said "one of the lesbians in this bar" is because some people are well aware that at this place, some lesbians (but definitely not all) act like they own the place. And they like to try to prove it. Really, some of them need to get a reality check, take a lesson from some of the other nicer lesbians in the establishment, and just stop the madness.
But this comedic moment was just the beginning of it all.
We left there and trekked a few blocks down to our next stop. A good guy in the city was having a birthday celebration, and it was also karaoke at the club. Now people who know me know that I love karaoke; if I could perform karaoke every night I'd be a happy camper.
One of my acquaintances asked me to dance to a karaoke song, and I agreed. So we were dancing, and as the song was ending, he decided to pull me into a dip. Now, I was not prepared for it, because the person leading is supposed to dip the other person; you shouldn't pull the lead into the dip - at least that's what I've been told. So when he did, I lost my balance and we went "BOOM" right onto the floor! I just started laughing uncontrollably ... it was hilarious! I don't think he thought it was as funny, but if you can't laugh at yourself -- well, you know the rest.
I know I needed that laughter very bad, and so I believe it was a good thing.
I thought I wouldn't get a chance to laugh again for awhile. But then last night I was feeling so out-of-sorts and pretty stressed because of work, my mother's condition and the family, and I decided to have a martini at one of favorite hangouts. And of course, since I didn't feel like being bothered, this was the night that some guy who I was not interested in talking to in the least kept grabbing me and trying to get me to talk to him. I told him politely that it was a bad day for me and I didn't want to be rude, but I just wanted to grab a drink and chill by myself - no offense.
So do you think he got the hint? Hell no he didn't! He kept bothering me and touching my hand while it was on the bar. Granted he was drunk, but I didn't want to be bothered by him. So when he moved a few seats down and fell asleep on the bar, I was ecstatic because he wouldn't be bothering me again. Seeing him fall asleep far away from me was funny, but the full-blown laughter came a few minutes later.
Another drunk guy (with whom I'm friendly) wanted to do a little PG-rated strip tease on the stage and when he tried to get up on the stage, he tripped and fell into the wall. Did that stop him? Hell no ... he immediately bounced to his feet like one of those balloon clowns that bounce back and forth as you hit it. Now I tried to keep from busting out in laughter 'cause I didn't want to embarrass him. But when I noticed another one of my friends saw this happen as well, we just looked at each other and fell out in loud laughter. Couldn't resist.
So you see - there can always be some laughter in the rain.
And as I'm laughing again as I'm writing this, I'm also praying for my mother.
And I ask that if you pray, that you pray for her as well. Thank you!
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