I noticed something when I was out last night with a couple of friends. Actually it's not the first time that I noticed it, but this is the first time that I am acknowledging it.
They say sometimes you need to look within yourself for answers, so that's what I'm doing.
I'm always complaining, albiet to myself, that I can't find a man who wants to embark on a relationship. But everywhere I turn I am seeing men who have found their partners. They've been able to find the Prince Charmings. The couples come in all shapes, sizes, appearances and colors.
I think the reason I am still single is because of a reason I don't like to admit to myself. It's not all the other guys, it's because I'm just not that appealing to the guys. There are guys who want sex from me, I'm not saying that guys don't see me and want sex. But truth be told, I think every guy wants to have sex; most times the other guy only needs to be breathing to be an object of sexual attraction.
I'm realizing that other than sex, guys don't want to enter a relationship with me. They hardly want anything at all from me. I'm not complaining; it's just not in the cards for me.
Some people are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. I'm probably going to be one of those people.
The guys who I've had sexual relations with, well, they go right on entering a relationship with someone else. It's like I'm the speedbump to the next full-blown romance with another guy.
When I was young, I never thought of myself as handsome. When I entered high school, I got a boatload of good friends and enjoyed some popularity, but I wasn't the guy who was sort after by women. (P.S. - little known fact: I used to date women)
I got a girlfriend in my senior year, but she was a bit loopy and a lot crazy. Long story; if you want the long version it's in my novel.
But I digress. In college women started to seek me out for romance. After college I was engaged twice. The first woman was too good for me; the second one went nuts. Before I decided to be myself and come out of the closet, I dated two other women.
It was pretty easy for me to get into a relationship with women. But dating men is a whole different arena. I'm just not good at it. I would never go back to dating women because they don't appeal to me whatsoever. I only want to be with a man. But that is out of my reach for whatever reason.
But as I was saying, I noticed something last night. My friend was pushing me to talk to this guy, and after a few minutes I decided to talk to the guy. We joked a bit, talked a lot, and then I went to grab a drink. By the time I turned back around, the guy was being hit on by another guy, and it was as if he no longer knew who I was. We'd had a good talk, and a lot of flirting.
It's not the first time this has happened to me, but damn, this is going to be the last. I'm not putting myself out there like that again. Perhaps I'm just not that attractive. In any event, I'm just going to mind my own business. I'm attractive to men not of my race, and it's so damn hard to figure out which men are attracted to black guys.
So I'm going to take a few months off to do some things I need to do to get myself in order. I'm completing bartending classes so by the holidays I'll have a job as a bartender. I'm going after my teaching certification so I'll be able to teach teenagers how to avoid butchering the English language.
I'm focused now, so I know what I need to do to attain happiness. I've had two boyfriends, and perhaps that's all I'm supposed to have in my lifetime. After all, one loved drugs and cheating on me more than he loved me; the other loved my money and being taken care of more than he loved me.
But I would hate it if I could never find true romance and those two failed relationships were all I had to show for the amount of passion I have within me.
That can't be all there is. It just can't.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, 'cause no one could ever love me more than I love myself.
But a little human tenderness and the caress of a man's touch sure would do me right! Jus sayin'!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
It's time for me to re-invent myself and go after what I truly want
I haven't mentioned it in my blog too much - if never at all, but I was laid off in June. I've been living off of my savings, investments and some unemployment, and I was a little fearful that I would never figure out what my next move should be to fulfill my happiness.
I've always knew pretty much what my true calling is in life, but I've been too afraid to give up the job that paid me healthfully and venture out into the unknown. After all, a safety net is something that I always needed and my job as a newspaper editor was perfect for me. I loved to work long hours and get paid doing what I liked to do.
But even in every newspaper job I had, I always worked in a program with young children and junior/high school students. I loved to do that, especially since I could be a journalist and get paid for it, all the while doing what I loved to do - teach children - on the side.
Teaching has always been my true calling, for as far back as I can remember. But I knew teachers never got paid the proper salary they deserved. I don't know why I've always been worried about money. My parents have put me in a situation where I can always look to them for financial stability if I wanted to do that. My father worked hard and set up his family so we always had everything we needed or wanted, financially or otherwise.
Even so, I never really wanted to go to my father for it. He and my sister always said it was just foolish pride on my part. And they are right. So I never wanted to depend on anyone else for what I needed; it was always up to me. I shouldn't have looked at it that way because that is why I went into the field that would net me the most financial security.
I should have followed the path to teaching when the fork in the road presented itself years ago. I didn't follow my true calling; I went the other route.
There is an added incentive to go into the teaching field - too many young teens are being bullied and have been taking their own lives as a result. This is going on way too much these days and I want to do my part in erasing that from our society. As a gay man, I want to let young gay teens know that things may be trying right now, but it gets better. I need to lead by example, and what better way to do that is to show them that it got better for their teacher, and it will get better for them as well.
I know that everyone doesn't have an easy time in life; I'm not denying that fact. But just as the "It Gets Better" project reiterates to the country, things will improve.
But just as in school, bullies are everywhere ... even in Asbury Park. I don't pay them any mind. But some people do, and a bully will feed off of it. Don't give them the time of day and eventually they will get tired of it.
Of course, I should have taken my own advice recently. A few days ago I was in one of the gay establishments in Asbury and there was a drunk, obnoxious jerk who was trying to throw his weight around. He began to harass someone who I know and after a while of sitting there, listening to this bully continue to speak his stupidity, I just couldn't take it any longer. I decided to shut him down and told him to stop talking the trash and treat people with the respect they deserve.
We shouted at each other a little, and then I realized that in my anger to stop this bully's tirade, I was bullying the bully. I had to take a few moments to contain myself, count to 10, and diffuse the situation.
He took off for a bit and I apologized to those around me for acting out, which isn't like me at all. About a half-hour later he came back in, came up to me, shook my hand and apologized for being such an ass.
I learned two things as a result of that encounter. The first thing was that if you stand up to a person who is on a bullying rampage, you may teach that person a thing or two about respecting one's self. The second thing I learned about myself was that I have fully forgiven my ex-boyfriend for things that happened in our relationship.
See, the person who the bully was harassing was my ex. I didn't know why I was protecting him; he was no longer in my life as a lover. But the protective nature in me just emerged and I couldn't hold it back. Funny things happen when you least expect it.
And with that, I know that I am ready to educate our youth and show them right from wrong. It's now time to re-invent myself. But not too much ... I still need to hold onto the fabulous, fierce creature that I've always been! ;)
I've always knew pretty much what my true calling is in life, but I've been too afraid to give up the job that paid me healthfully and venture out into the unknown. After all, a safety net is something that I always needed and my job as a newspaper editor was perfect for me. I loved to work long hours and get paid doing what I liked to do.
But even in every newspaper job I had, I always worked in a program with young children and junior/high school students. I loved to do that, especially since I could be a journalist and get paid for it, all the while doing what I loved to do - teach children - on the side.
Teaching has always been my true calling, for as far back as I can remember. But I knew teachers never got paid the proper salary they deserved. I don't know why I've always been worried about money. My parents have put me in a situation where I can always look to them for financial stability if I wanted to do that. My father worked hard and set up his family so we always had everything we needed or wanted, financially or otherwise.
Even so, I never really wanted to go to my father for it. He and my sister always said it was just foolish pride on my part. And they are right. So I never wanted to depend on anyone else for what I needed; it was always up to me. I shouldn't have looked at it that way because that is why I went into the field that would net me the most financial security.
I should have followed the path to teaching when the fork in the road presented itself years ago. I didn't follow my true calling; I went the other route.
There is an added incentive to go into the teaching field - too many young teens are being bullied and have been taking their own lives as a result. This is going on way too much these days and I want to do my part in erasing that from our society. As a gay man, I want to let young gay teens know that things may be trying right now, but it gets better. I need to lead by example, and what better way to do that is to show them that it got better for their teacher, and it will get better for them as well.
I know that everyone doesn't have an easy time in life; I'm not denying that fact. But just as the "It Gets Better" project reiterates to the country, things will improve.
But just as in school, bullies are everywhere ... even in Asbury Park. I don't pay them any mind. But some people do, and a bully will feed off of it. Don't give them the time of day and eventually they will get tired of it.
Of course, I should have taken my own advice recently. A few days ago I was in one of the gay establishments in Asbury and there was a drunk, obnoxious jerk who was trying to throw his weight around. He began to harass someone who I know and after a while of sitting there, listening to this bully continue to speak his stupidity, I just couldn't take it any longer. I decided to shut him down and told him to stop talking the trash and treat people with the respect they deserve.
We shouted at each other a little, and then I realized that in my anger to stop this bully's tirade, I was bullying the bully. I had to take a few moments to contain myself, count to 10, and diffuse the situation.
He took off for a bit and I apologized to those around me for acting out, which isn't like me at all. About a half-hour later he came back in, came up to me, shook my hand and apologized for being such an ass.
I learned two things as a result of that encounter. The first thing was that if you stand up to a person who is on a bullying rampage, you may teach that person a thing or two about respecting one's self. The second thing I learned about myself was that I have fully forgiven my ex-boyfriend for things that happened in our relationship.
See, the person who the bully was harassing was my ex. I didn't know why I was protecting him; he was no longer in my life as a lover. But the protective nature in me just emerged and I couldn't hold it back. Funny things happen when you least expect it.
And with that, I know that I am ready to educate our youth and show them right from wrong. It's now time to re-invent myself. But not too much ... I still need to hold onto the fabulous, fierce creature that I've always been! ;)
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