Don't hitch your dreams to a falling star 'cause you'll go down in flames

I deleted my last post from my blog because after speaking to a couple of people I thought it might be a bit exposed and may have put too much information about this guy I was falling for into the public eye. At the time that I wrote that post, I was sort of in the eye of the storm, so to speak.
But as a blogger, that was a mistake - I should have left it up. No matter how close our words hit to home, we should never be afraid to speak the truth.
If you didn't see the post, it was about a guy who I'd begun hanging out with. This guy was in a long-term relationship in the past, and when the relationship with the guy ended, the man of my attentions was really beaten up by it. But despite all of that, and his holding me at arm's length, I still went forward.
We were in the midst of an "intimate friendship". Our friendship was progressing pretty well and we were getting closer. I still wanted to avoid falling for this guy because he had all the markings of a man who would hurt me in the long run. Of course I fooled myself into thinking that all my fears were only because I'd been hurt by guys so many times in the past that I was just cynical.
So despite my apprehensions I let my guard down and let him in.
My mistake.
I'm feeling really stupid today because I found out something about this guy that I'd been too clueless to understand in the past. This guy who I was beginning to become attached to is a functioning alcoholic. How'd I find this out? He made dinner plans with me, a very nice dinner that I never asked for but he wanted to do for me because he, as he said, "really loves spending his time with me".
That dinner never materialized. And even though I waited all evening for the dinner that never happened, I wasn't truly worried about the dinner. I was concerned because I hadn't been able to get in touch with him. I was worried that this guy who I truly liked was hurt, or worse. I know - it sounds dramatic. But after you lose someone so special in your life to death, as I'd lost my mother a few months ago, you begin to fear that you'll lose others the same way.
So I don't know if I was happy or angry when I went out to the bar last night, got out of my vehicle, and saw this guy at the entrance. I was happy he was alive, but that quickly turned to fury when I realized he didn't remember the dinner he had planned with me. He stood me up, and sadly didn't even realize he stood me up! His excuse - he can't be responsible for his actions because he's an alcoholic. I still can't believe those words came out of his mouth.
No matter the reason, I am now totally disillusioned in men. How could he say something like that, and to top it off, he felt like I shouldn't have gotten involved because he's an alcoholic. I know he said it when he was drunk, about not getting involved with him, but I couldn't help that despite this man being a self-proclaimed alcoholic, I was undeniably drawn to his sincerity, kindness and generosity.
But how the hell did I know he was an alcoholic? Or a better question would be why the hell was an educated, intelligent man such as myself so stupid about a person that I still didn't know very well?
So this is the reason why I have to take a look within myself and try to understand why I would be so oblivious to all of it. Am I that desperate to find a man to love me that I'd ignore so many warning signs? Did I hitch my dreams of a true romance to a falling star, and now I'm just sour because that falling star has gone down in flames?
Maybe I should check myself into a rehab for people addicted to bad romance. And if they don't have a place to help people like me, they definitely should have one.

Never let 'em see you sweat and, obviously, never let 'em see you frown

These past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I lost my job and have had to deal with some personal issues.
In the process of coming to terms with all of this, I also discovered something else ... some people just don't like to deal with a depressed person.
People are used to seeing a smiling, joking, jovial Eric. So having to deal with a less happier Eric, it seems, doesn't suit too well. For a lot of reasons, this one in particular, I usually choose to keep the upset, miserable, depressed Eric deep down inside and simply let the world see the upbeat, crazier version of myself.
I'm happy with the zany version, for the most part. People love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. Being the life of the party is fun, anyway. And who wouldn't want to be the life of the party, right?
So that's what I'm going to do - just smile, laugh, and take Asbury Park by storm. Take Asbury Park by storm? Not sure if that's going to happen. But I'm sure as hell going to take the words to Smokey Robinson and the Miracles' hit song, "Tears of a Clown" and put it to good use.
So that's my plan. And I don't want to be walking around Asbury Park and hanging out, having to let people know what's on my mind. Do people really want to know? And if I'm smiling and joking, people won't think anything is wrong in my world anyway.
I'll make sure I'm always smiling and laughing, as I know this is what people love to see. This is something I want to do. I think it'll make me feel better and allow others to feel better as well, especially since it's 4th of July weekend and it's time to party.
Now where's my jello shot?!?