In my haste to make sure I do everything on my own, I've neglected to make sure I have some support.
Support in the form of a person who I can turn to when I get older. Someone who would be willing to share my life with me. A man who will be there for me through smooth sailing and rough waters.
Not a life partner.
But a back-up plan.
I never really thought I'd need a back-up plan. But as I get older, I realize that I don't have a significant other to take care of me if I were to get sick.
I guess it hit home for me on Friday night. I'd had a long week of working long hours and went to one of favorite restaurants, The Harrison, for dinner. (An aside - The Harrison will be going through renovations for a couple of weeks, and I hear that it will have a great new look and a new name ... stay tuned!)
But anyway, I was having dinner there, just as I do pretty much every week. And I looked around to see couples, whether in the years-long stage or the beginnings of the getting-together stage. Couples everywhere!
Hell, it looked ... well, it looked nice. Gay, straight, etc. It was just nice to see.
Initially.
And then it hit me that I wasn't one of them. I usually don't care. But for some reason it was different Friday night.
I've always said that I don't need a man to complete me, and who needs the hassles because I can do bad all by myself. In fact, I can get along without another man in my life, right?
Wrong.
I may not need a partner in my life. But I do need a back-up plan. I should have found that back-up plan when I was younger, because in gay years when you're 40 you might as well say that you are in your 50s.
The need for a back-up plan is a fact of my life that I've just been trying to ignore because that would mean I need to face reality. I never figured I'd die alone, but sooner or later reality is going to bite me on the ass and I'll have to acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will.
I have a boatload of good friends; I'm well aware that I have supportive persons out there who care about me and look out for my best interests. And I have a close-knit family who would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I'm blessed in that way, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them.
When my mother passed away a couple of months ago, she was surrounded by loving family and friends. And I know that she knew that she was loved. But am I going to have the same love surrounding me?
I don't mean family and friends - I'm sure I'll have that.
But will I have that enduring, everlasting, unconditional love that my partner would give me at that time? And if not, should I prepare myself to have a back-up, a man in my life who isn't my partner but a person who I can count on to do all the things a partner would do?
One of my old friends just acquired his back-up plan. All my thinking about this issue is thanks to him. I don't live around him anymore since I've moved to Asbury Park, but I guess in the back of my mind I always thought he'd be mine. But as of right now, he's taken. And I'm happy for him.
So begs the question - do you have a back-up plan in your life?
For me, it's the next thing on my to-do list.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Just when you think you've mastered all 5 stages of the break-up process ...
I thought I was well through all five stages of the breaking up process, but I realized that was not the case.
Actually I did it in a different order, and I think that may have been the problem.
For those who don't know, the five stages - in order - are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then ultimately, acceptance.
It's been over a year since I broke up with this particular ex-boyfriend. And even though we've been able to manage to hold onto a friendship (part of the bargaining stage), something just kept nagging at me. I was trying to figure out what was "off" about this entire situation. And then it hit me about a month ago.
What I realized, as I encountered him at a local Asbury Park establishment one night, was something I just wasn't prepared to experience.
I was feeling anger. I did go through (at stage 2) a bit of feeling upset. But I never felt angry about him or what he'd put me through during our relationship. When I ran into him last month I realized that I was feeling very angry. Then I immediately felt guilty that I was feeling anger.
I was angry at a lot:
Angry that he held me at arms length because he was insecure in loving me;
Angry that he caused a lot of chaos with my friendships;
Angry that he put his best friend ahead of me in so many aspects of our relationship;
Angry that I ingratiated him into my family with open arms, but he wouldn't let me meet his family;
Angry that I had to consistently hear rumors about him cheating on me - whether the rumors were true or false, I still had to deal with the gossip;
Angry that he always made me feel like I was so much better than he was and I was on a higher level, one he tried desperately to reach;
Angry that I gave him everything - emotionally and financially - throughout our relationship, and he never really gave too much back and hardly ever paid for anything;
Angry that he said that he loved me, but all too often he never showed me that love (or at the level I felt I should have been shown love);
Angry that he made me (and others) feel like I was his Sugar Daddy (when I'm way too young to even be one);
Angry that he couldn't control his alcohol and made a spectacle of himself, and most people thought I should have been babysitting his tantrums while we were out about town;
Angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I let myself do all these things for him, and I felt slightly stupid for providing unconditional love.
But I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with myself.
I guess in some ways I made him feel guilty or inadequate for not being as mature or successful in his life that I felt he should have been at this stage of his life.
But I know why I was angry at myself. I'm just getting past the anger, but I was angry at myself because I allowed him (albeit possibly unconsciously) to cause me to feel guilty for being successful professionally, personally and financially. He caused me to feel like I was too good for him, and like I knew it and lauded it over him.
I was angry and felt guilty because, deep down, I knew he was right. And, God forgive me, I think I still feel that way. And I don't like to feel that way because I don't want to think I might be a snob. Especially since a friend of mine mentioned to me some time ago that when he sees me around Asbury Park, I carry myself like I'm almost regal. He didn't mean it as an insult; only an observation.
But I realize that my ex felt the same way, and that's one of the reasons why he felt like he wasn't on my level.
Don't get me wrong - my ex has a lot of great qualities and he's genuinely a nice person. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him because I learned a lot about myself throughout our relationship.
And I'm glad the anger stage is past me. But I just hope that the next time I go through the break-up process (I have my fingers crossed that if I find romance again I never have to go through a break-up), I go through it in the order that the five stages are laid out.
It'll make things much easier. Or so I hope!
Actually I did it in a different order, and I think that may have been the problem.
For those who don't know, the five stages - in order - are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then ultimately, acceptance.
It's been over a year since I broke up with this particular ex-boyfriend. And even though we've been able to manage to hold onto a friendship (part of the bargaining stage), something just kept nagging at me. I was trying to figure out what was "off" about this entire situation. And then it hit me about a month ago.
What I realized, as I encountered him at a local Asbury Park establishment one night, was something I just wasn't prepared to experience.
I was feeling anger. I did go through (at stage 2) a bit of feeling upset. But I never felt angry about him or what he'd put me through during our relationship. When I ran into him last month I realized that I was feeling very angry. Then I immediately felt guilty that I was feeling anger.
I was angry at a lot:
Angry that he held me at arms length because he was insecure in loving me;
Angry that he caused a lot of chaos with my friendships;
Angry that he put his best friend ahead of me in so many aspects of our relationship;
Angry that I ingratiated him into my family with open arms, but he wouldn't let me meet his family;
Angry that I had to consistently hear rumors about him cheating on me - whether the rumors were true or false, I still had to deal with the gossip;
Angry that he always made me feel like I was so much better than he was and I was on a higher level, one he tried desperately to reach;
Angry that I gave him everything - emotionally and financially - throughout our relationship, and he never really gave too much back and hardly ever paid for anything;
Angry that he said that he loved me, but all too often he never showed me that love (or at the level I felt I should have been shown love);
Angry that he made me (and others) feel like I was his Sugar Daddy (when I'm way too young to even be one);
Angry that he couldn't control his alcohol and made a spectacle of himself, and most people thought I should have been babysitting his tantrums while we were out about town;
Angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I let myself do all these things for him, and I felt slightly stupid for providing unconditional love.
But I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with myself.
I guess in some ways I made him feel guilty or inadequate for not being as mature or successful in his life that I felt he should have been at this stage of his life.
But I know why I was angry at myself. I'm just getting past the anger, but I was angry at myself because I allowed him (albeit possibly unconsciously) to cause me to feel guilty for being successful professionally, personally and financially. He caused me to feel like I was too good for him, and like I knew it and lauded it over him.
I was angry and felt guilty because, deep down, I knew he was right. And, God forgive me, I think I still feel that way. And I don't like to feel that way because I don't want to think I might be a snob. Especially since a friend of mine mentioned to me some time ago that when he sees me around Asbury Park, I carry myself like I'm almost regal. He didn't mean it as an insult; only an observation.
But I realize that my ex felt the same way, and that's one of the reasons why he felt like he wasn't on my level.
Don't get me wrong - my ex has a lot of great qualities and he's genuinely a nice person. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him because I learned a lot about myself throughout our relationship.
And I'm glad the anger stage is past me. But I just hope that the next time I go through the break-up process (I have my fingers crossed that if I find romance again I never have to go through a break-up), I go through it in the order that the five stages are laid out.
It'll make things much easier. Or so I hope!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's impossible to get what you want if you never really say what you want
Out about town last night, I stopped into one of the bars in Asbury Park that I frequent.
And I'm glad that I did. It was very enlightening, and I think I may have a handle on what I need to do in my life to reach the next level.
One of my bartender friends gave me a very profound piece of wisdom. He said to me that you're not going to get what you want from these guys unless you start telling the guys what you want from them. And it was pretty profound, because I guess I do have the fear that if I tell someone what I want from them, then they might think they have power over me and turn me down.
Fear of rejection is a powerful force.
It's so weird that sometimes just someone saying something that deep down you already know, it just makes it easier to do what you need to do.
What prompted my friend to offer me this nugget of advice? Well while at the bar I ran into a guy who I've gone back and forth with, toying with the potential of a romantic involvement. And I've held this guy at arms length for some time, because I just don't trust that anyone will be genuine with their feelings towards me. The fact that my potential suitor hasn't made much progress with me could be my own fault because I don't trust guys at the moment.
So me and my potential suitor sat down and had a long conversation about so many things, and we learned a lot about each other and our lives. It was really good to open up to someone who just wanted to get to know me better. And I really should give him the benefit of the doubt; I need to realize that just because SOME guys have let me down doesn't mean ALL guys will let me down.
I guess you've guessed, if you've been following my blog, that I've been hurt and disappointed by men in the past. But I let them hurt and disappoint me. It's time to take that power back and put it into my own hands ... back where it belongs.
So the advice is something I've known for some time, but I was just afraid to acknowledge that I'm okay with expressing what I want because I deserve what I want. And if I don't tell people what I want, I ain't gonna get it.
So I'm going to tell people what I want, and I'm going to start getting what I deserve.
So here I go ...
I want a relationship, and I want someone to shower me with romance;
I don't want the casual sex but I do want the passion that goes into a sexual relationship;
I want guys who are interested in a strong, sensitive black man to approach me correct, because these guys who approach me and find themselves taken aback when they realize I'm not hood, but I am one black man who has intelligence, a successful career, financial stability and I can hold a conversation past "whazzup?" (I mean, really? I've been told that I'm the whitest black man people have ever met ... and they're 100% correct in that assessment);
I want love from a man who doesn't see me as a dollar sign, a bank account with a smile;
I want it all!
So now I've spelled it out, and hopefully things will get better and I'll get what I want.
And I'm glad that I did. It was very enlightening, and I think I may have a handle on what I need to do in my life to reach the next level.
One of my bartender friends gave me a very profound piece of wisdom. He said to me that you're not going to get what you want from these guys unless you start telling the guys what you want from them. And it was pretty profound, because I guess I do have the fear that if I tell someone what I want from them, then they might think they have power over me and turn me down.
Fear of rejection is a powerful force.
It's so weird that sometimes just someone saying something that deep down you already know, it just makes it easier to do what you need to do.
What prompted my friend to offer me this nugget of advice? Well while at the bar I ran into a guy who I've gone back and forth with, toying with the potential of a romantic involvement. And I've held this guy at arms length for some time, because I just don't trust that anyone will be genuine with their feelings towards me. The fact that my potential suitor hasn't made much progress with me could be my own fault because I don't trust guys at the moment.
So me and my potential suitor sat down and had a long conversation about so many things, and we learned a lot about each other and our lives. It was really good to open up to someone who just wanted to get to know me better. And I really should give him the benefit of the doubt; I need to realize that just because SOME guys have let me down doesn't mean ALL guys will let me down.
I guess you've guessed, if you've been following my blog, that I've been hurt and disappointed by men in the past. But I let them hurt and disappoint me. It's time to take that power back and put it into my own hands ... back where it belongs.
So the advice is something I've known for some time, but I was just afraid to acknowledge that I'm okay with expressing what I want because I deserve what I want. And if I don't tell people what I want, I ain't gonna get it.
So I'm going to tell people what I want, and I'm going to start getting what I deserve.
So here I go ...
I want a relationship, and I want someone to shower me with romance;
I don't want the casual sex but I do want the passion that goes into a sexual relationship;
I want guys who are interested in a strong, sensitive black man to approach me correct, because these guys who approach me and find themselves taken aback when they realize I'm not hood, but I am one black man who has intelligence, a successful career, financial stability and I can hold a conversation past "whazzup?" (I mean, really? I've been told that I'm the whitest black man people have ever met ... and they're 100% correct in that assessment);
I want love from a man who doesn't see me as a dollar sign, a bank account with a smile;
I want it all!
So now I've spelled it out, and hopefully things will get better and I'll get what I want.
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