I thought I was well through all five stages of the breaking up process, but I realized that was not the case.
Actually I did it in a different order, and I think that may have been the problem.
For those who don't know, the five stages - in order - are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then ultimately, acceptance.
It's been over a year since I broke up with this particular ex-boyfriend. And even though we've been able to manage to hold onto a friendship (part of the bargaining stage), something just kept nagging at me. I was trying to figure out what was "off" about this entire situation. And then it hit me about a month ago.
What I realized, as I encountered him at a local Asbury Park establishment one night, was something I just wasn't prepared to experience.
I was feeling anger. I did go through (at stage 2) a bit of feeling upset. But I never felt angry about him or what he'd put me through during our relationship. When I ran into him last month I realized that I was feeling very angry. Then I immediately felt guilty that I was feeling anger.
I was angry at a lot:
Angry that he held me at arms length because he was insecure in loving me;
Angry that he caused a lot of chaos with my friendships;
Angry that he put his best friend ahead of me in so many aspects of our relationship;
Angry that I ingratiated him into my family with open arms, but he wouldn't let me meet his family;
Angry that I had to consistently hear rumors about him cheating on me - whether the rumors were true or false, I still had to deal with the gossip;
Angry that he always made me feel like I was so much better than he was and I was on a higher level, one he tried desperately to reach;
Angry that I gave him everything - emotionally and financially - throughout our relationship, and he never really gave too much back and hardly ever paid for anything;
Angry that he said that he loved me, but all too often he never showed me that love (or at the level I felt I should have been shown love);
Angry that he made me (and others) feel like I was his Sugar Daddy (when I'm way too young to even be one);
Angry that he couldn't control his alcohol and made a spectacle of himself, and most people thought I should have been babysitting his tantrums while we were out about town;
Angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I let myself do all these things for him, and I felt slightly stupid for providing unconditional love.
But I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with myself.
I guess in some ways I made him feel guilty or inadequate for not being as mature or successful in his life that I felt he should have been at this stage of his life.
But I know why I was angry at myself. I'm just getting past the anger, but I was angry at myself because I allowed him (albeit possibly unconsciously) to cause me to feel guilty for being successful professionally, personally and financially. He caused me to feel like I was too good for him, and like I knew it and lauded it over him.
I was angry and felt guilty because, deep down, I knew he was right. And, God forgive me, I think I still feel that way. And I don't like to feel that way because I don't want to think I might be a snob. Especially since a friend of mine mentioned to me some time ago that when he sees me around Asbury Park, I carry myself like I'm almost regal. He didn't mean it as an insult; only an observation.
But I realize that my ex felt the same way, and that's one of the reasons why he felt like he wasn't on my level.
Don't get me wrong - my ex has a lot of great qualities and he's genuinely a nice person. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him because I learned a lot about myself throughout our relationship.
And I'm glad the anger stage is past me. But I just hope that the next time I go through the break-up process (I have my fingers crossed that if I find romance again I never have to go through a break-up), I go through it in the order that the five stages are laid out.
It'll make things much easier. Or so I hope!
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