In my haste to make sure I do everything on my own, I've neglected to make sure I have some support.
Support in the form of a person who I can turn to when I get older. Someone who would be willing to share my life with me. A man who will be there for me through smooth sailing and rough waters.
Not a life partner.
But a back-up plan.
I never really thought I'd need a back-up plan. But as I get older, I realize that I don't have a significant other to take care of me if I were to get sick.
I guess it hit home for me on Friday night. I'd had a long week of working long hours and went to one of favorite restaurants, The Harrison, for dinner. (An aside - The Harrison will be going through renovations for a couple of weeks, and I hear that it will have a great new look and a new name ... stay tuned!)
But anyway, I was having dinner there, just as I do pretty much every week. And I looked around to see couples, whether in the years-long stage or the beginnings of the getting-together stage. Couples everywhere!
Hell, it looked ... well, it looked nice. Gay, straight, etc. It was just nice to see.
Initially.
And then it hit me that I wasn't one of them. I usually don't care. But for some reason it was different Friday night.
I've always said that I don't need a man to complete me, and who needs the hassles because I can do bad all by myself. In fact, I can get along without another man in my life, right?
Wrong.
I may not need a partner in my life. But I do need a back-up plan. I should have found that back-up plan when I was younger, because in gay years when you're 40 you might as well say that you are in your 50s.
The need for a back-up plan is a fact of my life that I've just been trying to ignore because that would mean I need to face reality. I never figured I'd die alone, but sooner or later reality is going to bite me on the ass and I'll have to acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will.
I have a boatload of good friends; I'm well aware that I have supportive persons out there who care about me and look out for my best interests. And I have a close-knit family who would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I'm blessed in that way, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them.
When my mother passed away a couple of months ago, she was surrounded by loving family and friends. And I know that she knew that she was loved. But am I going to have the same love surrounding me?
I don't mean family and friends - I'm sure I'll have that.
But will I have that enduring, everlasting, unconditional love that my partner would give me at that time? And if not, should I prepare myself to have a back-up, a man in my life who isn't my partner but a person who I can count on to do all the things a partner would do?
One of my old friends just acquired his back-up plan. All my thinking about this issue is thanks to him. I don't live around him anymore since I've moved to Asbury Park, but I guess in the back of my mind I always thought he'd be mine. But as of right now, he's taken. And I'm happy for him.
So begs the question - do you have a back-up plan in your life?
For me, it's the next thing on my to-do list.
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