Sometimes I wish that my love life was just like my favorite love songs

I had dinner with my golden girls last night, and they mentioned something to me that I was not aware of. They were worried about me because of one of my most recent blog posts. So I just re-read it, and I can totally understand why they were worried about me.
I'm glad that I have close people in my life who will look out for me. I think that's the best thing about living in Asbury Park and enjoying the gay scene in the city.
It's a drastic opposite of some things that I dislike about the city's gay scene. Last week I went to the Miss Paradise Pageant. It was very long, and I guess they wanted to showcase every single drag performer in Asbury Park and the surrounding area. I was intending to do a write-up on the pageant, but it went way, way too long for me to write anything about it. I mean, really? The pageant only had 4 contestants; it shouldn't have taken almost four hours to crown a drag queen as the next Miss Paradise. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. But to be honest, the drag queens who performed gave their all and they did a fantastic job!
I was sort of surprised that I went anyway, because I did something very nice for one of the past Miss Paradise drag queens, and she didn't even say "thank you". That left a very sour taste in my mouth, but no big deal I guess because one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, right?
So there's always good and bad within the gay community in this city.
But I digress ...
The point of this blog really breaks down to a love song. I was working out at the gym and one of my favorite love songs came on my iPod. It's not really the type of love song like "Truly" by Lionel Richie or "At Last" by Etta James.
This song is by the Jets, an '80s love song called "You've Got It All". That song, I wish, was one I could relate to right now. It's about a person who is in a new relationship, and they realize that the new person has finally made all the bad things perpetrated on them by their previous lover just fade away. Because the new person has given their all into making them forget all the horrific acts be the past love of their life.
I would like that in my life. I guess everyone wants a new love to help them forgive all the past misdeeds by their past loves. I think that's one of the reasons why my golden girls were so worried about me. I know me, and I know that I really don't need someone to help me get over my demons of the past.
When I read my past blog over again, I could actually feel the anger and loss in my words. I was having a mini-meltdown because I was so stressed from working so much, missing my mother and dealing with the crazy guys who've been interested in me and who've jerked me around. But I'm better now.
I'm also ready for a new love to bust into my life and show me as much love, passion and understanding as I know I, myself, am capable of doling out. But I'm not going to chase it down like I've done in the past. This time, they are going to chase after me. It's going to be an even trade by me and my future guy. No more me giving 80 percent and the other person giving 20 percent. It needs to be 50-50 or it won't work. I've learned my lesson.
So perhaps my love life will follow the lyrics of "You've Got It All" and my future guy will have it all over all the rest of my previous suitors.
One can only hope.

Things always look better in the morning ... or so I've been told

This has been one long, difficult week. And now that I've completed my therapy session this morning (washing and folding laundry), I can reflect on this week.
I've been working a lot, and I'm just burned out! It's time for a vacation - or should I say furcation - and I'm counting down the minutes (7 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact) that I can just relax and let all the stress go from my life.
This past week, I've been through the ringer - literally. Last Sunday I went to a pre-Valentine's Day dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was fun, and I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that we are friends and that I'm ready to move on. And I proved that to myself. See I guess that I was one of those hopeless disciples who just likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. So since I know that we can be friends, I can move on with a clear conscience.
A good thing to boost my ego happened on Valentine's Day. I was invited to dinner by two guys who I've had a passing fancy for recently. One of them - I am just so over him and all his drama and putting up with his wishy-washy personality. To be blunt, he dresses poorly for a gay man and I love fashion. So turning him down was a no-brainer on my part. The other guy, I am attracted to, I must admit. But I knew that if I opened that Pandora's box, there'd be no closing it. I like him, but I don't even want to go down that road because usually that road I travel ends up rolling straight off the edge of a cliff. And I just don't want to be bothered right now.
And I'm glad I've been following my instinct and self-analyzation ... my gut never lies. Because last night I decided to go to Club Paradise and ran into the both of these guys, in addition to my ex-boyfriend. My ex was hanging all over this guy like cheap cologne lingers on the body scent of someone exercising who refuses to wash it off before he works out at the gym! And the other two guys - well let's just say I guess one of them was experiencing a bout of "hard feelings" towards me. The other one did say "hi" but acted like I'd hurt his feelings or I was avoiding him. After all, I never told him I never wanted to go to dinner with him, I just told him I wasn't able to go out with him on Valentine's Day.
But you know what - all of this shade they are throwing my way is the exact reason why my motto is - whatever someone thinks about me is none of my business! And it's so true ... say it to yourself three times quickly and you'll feel awesome.
And this week was difficult because I had to travel back to my hometown on Wednesday to sign some papers and I stopped by my mother's gravesite to see her. The cemetery still has her gravesite in disarray, and the person who's buried next to her is still somewhat of an open grave; they haven't totally filled in the dirt on that person's grave. So you can imagine my feelings when I had to witness this scene. It still stings me greatly because I still feel like my mother's not at peace. And that's what I've been trying to acknowledge - that mom's at peace. And I can't be at peace with her death until she is finally in a good place.
So right now all I want is an ice cream cone. My mom always said that I made the best homemade ice cream cones. I never knew why she said that, but I'd make her the best ice cream cone I've ever made in my life if she were still here to eat it.
I guess everyone always thinks that way.
All I know is that my mom would have been so proud of me for letting go of these guys who are toads and just aren't right for me, and holding out for my prince. I used to always want to turn the toads into the princes, but I'm too old and - hopefully - wise to waste my time and energy in the efforts it takes to build the perfect beast.
I've tried to build the perfect beast in all my past relationships. From now on, I'm only giving my time, energy, efforts and passion to the guy who is already the prince.
Because he, in turn, would be getting a prince himself! No bragging, only acknowledging ...
Jus sayin'! :)

Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary

Perhaps it's because I'm in Asbury Park and have thrown myself into the city's craziness.
Perhaps it's because I needed to keep myself busy while living in "the world of gayness".
Or perhaps it's just because I wanted to find my place in all this drama.
For whatever reason I've found myself in the space that I'm in, I think I just want to take a break from the drama in my life ... and in fact, the dramatic persons in my life.
Yesterday I started out in the morning with such hopefulness. I don't know why I was so hopeful, but I just knew that yesterday was going to be a special day for me. I'd not felt so hopeful since my mother passed away, so I just believed that things would be really special for me yesterday.
I had my day all planned once I woke up yesterday. First I was going to do some massive cleaning of my home - truth be told, I've been so busy with work as of late, that I hadn't had a chance to give my home a thorough cleaning. But I threw myself into cleaning my place, and I felt good afterward.
Next, I went to the gym to do some boxing and serious workout. So I threw myself into my workout, and I felt so good afterward. The workout was a success.
Then I returned home to get myself together because I was having dinner over my golden gals' home. I was pretty sick all week long, so all I really have been able to eat has been soup, soup and more soup. I was all souped out! So I was so happy to have a home-cooked meal. And hanging with my golden gals was so much fun. We laughed and had an amazing time. I really needed that, boy!
The next phase of my evening was the point in the night that I'd been looking forward to all day long. I was going dancing at Club Paradise with my ex-boyfriend, whom I've been able to maintain a good friendship with since we've ended things. But to be honest, we'd discussed the connection between us and how after all this time, we were still emotionally connected. I hadn't been in a place to venture back into a relationship, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I know I'd been hurt by some actions in our relationship, but I knew that I'd put all that hurt behind me. And I knew that he wanted to get things started again for some time.
For some reason, I knew yesterday that I'd be in a position to "possibly" give it another try ... or at least discuss the possibility. He helped me tremendously during the time following my mother's death, and I'd recently been there for him during his grandmother's passing. He'd shown me the type of person I knew he could be, and I was trusting again. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So when he asked me to go dancing with him, as well as go to dinner for Valentine's Day tonight, I was going to let myself be open to the possibility of maybe opening the door a little for him to be in my life again - not as a boyfriend, but as a "friend with benefits".
So I went to Paradise, all ready for a night of dancing. But as the minutes passed, and the first hour passed, I knew he'd eventually get there to meet me. He was only an hour late, right? I sent him a text message just to see where he was. Then as two hours had passed, I gave him a call to make sure he was okay. No answer, nor no response to my text message. Okay, I knew how much dancing with me meant to him, so I was getting pretty worried. I wasn't sure if he was hurt, or even worse. At this point, worrying about him like I was, I realized that I still had feelings for him. I had to acknowledge that fact.
At this point, while I was still waiting for him to get his ass to Paradise, it seemed like the guys who I've had some sort of involvement with just started to show up in my "personal space". First the guy who I'd been toying with the idea of getting together with approached me at the bar. He flirted like he does, and I did a little flirting back. But then after a bit, he did what he usually does and retreats - it's become a habit with him, and I just turned my back on him, because this little act of his was getting very old. I was totally over it ... and over giving him any attention at all.
Of course, after he took off, another one of my guys (I don't want to call him anything at all, 'cause I've never known what to call him at all) approached me and wanted to do his stupid flirting and trying to pick me up - once again. Been there, done that - and I don't want to deal with the guy anymore! He just kept talking, but all I was hearing was a little bird squawking in my ear. So I just, politely, asked him to leave me alone. He got the point after a bit, and just left.
But was that enough? Hell no!
Next came another guy who I don't know, other than he's friends with my friends, but he swears that we were together once before. He must have me mistaken for another sexy black man (after all, I hear that we all look alike) and I wish he'd stop staring at me from across the bar every time he sees me out around town. It's getting spooky - and old!
And after all this mess, the club is about a half-hour from closing, and my ex never showed. So I just decided to get my coat and go home. Of course, while waiting for my coat, I ran into a friend of mine. And he told me something amazing - or maybe I should say it was a bit of deja vu. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was going home; that I was supposed to meet my ex (who he knows as well) for a night of dancing, but he never showed up. I also told him that I really hope my ex was not hurt or anything because he was looking forward to dancing so much tonight.
Then my friend told me that my ex was tossing back drinks earlier that evening at the local gay watering hole - something I didn't want to hear. My friend asked me if I wanted to go with he and his buddies to get a drink somewhere. I declined, and I just hopped in the taxicab and went home.
I was thoroughly pissed. I woke up this morning, ready to go to boot camp and kick some ass. I got a text message from my ex, apologizing to me, saying he fell asleep and slept right through the dancing and meeting me. I just went to the gym, and while working out, I realized why I was so pissed. I realized that I wasn't upset because my ex never showed up; I was upset because no matter what the reason was that he didn't show up, I no longer trust him - or for that matter, I don't trust anyone or anything people say or do to me anymore.
It was sad for me, because I had to come to the acknowledgement that the trusting Eric who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses was no longer inside of me. And the word trusting, which always described me to a "T", could no longer be used as an adjective to describe me.
And I'm going to miss him. Because for the first time, I understand why I wanted to keep that Eric inside me - I wanted him with me because without him, I feel like I'm on my way to the world of cynicism.
And that's a place I never wanted to visit, and I knew I never wanted to live there.
So I'm leaving all these guys, all this drama, and all this chaos behind me.
Now maybe I can accomplish my goals - of rewritting my novel a bit to acknowledge my mother's life the way it should be acknowledged,  and getting the gay life in Asbury Park made into a reality show.
And maybe now I can get back to me.