This past week has been weird for me. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I haven't had the desire to see people. I'm usually always up for some fun, but that has been the furthest thing from my mind.
What the hell is going on?
I really haven't had too much of an appetite, and for me that's not normal because I can usually eat everything in sight.
I really haven't been sleeping too well. I haven't been able to sleep through the night, and it seems as though I've been tossing and turning way too much.
Most people who know me are well aware that I can drink a hell of a lot of alcohol and still be standing. Martinis are my drink of choice, and I think I've had pretty much every martini under the sun. But for some reason, I haven't had the urge to drink at all.
And I think the last time I went out on the town was last Friday. It was my good friend's birthday party at the local gay bar, and I had a really good time. But since, the only time I really went out was Sunday; I had dinner at Hotel Tides. I usually continue the festivities at Paradise, where I have a fun time with my friends at karaoke. But I just couldn't be around anyone, and that's not like me.
But nothing has appealed to me. And I'm not sure why.
I know that my mother has been on my mind a lot lately, more than usual. I've always missed her since her death almost a year ago. She meant the world to me, and I really miss her. The anniversary of her death is coming up in October and I'm not sure how to handle that. I feel like there is something I'm missing, like there's a message she has been trying to tell me this past year and I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle.
I also feel like no one actually understands what I'm going through when it comes to my mom. I'm well aware that I'm not the first person to lose a parent, someone who means the world to me. But who really wants to hear me go on and on about it? I usually keep these things to myself, for the most part. Plus if I talk about this stuff to others, I may just burst into tears. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to cry in public.
I do need to figure out why I'm going through all this inner strife right now. I'm not a big fan of therapy, so that prospect is out for me. I just have to figure all this out on my own.
Perhaps I really am just burned out from all the shenanigans surrounding the gay community in Asbury Park. There are some good things about it, but right now I'm struggling to figure out what those are. Anyone who knows any off the top of their heads, please let me know what these good things might be. It's appreciated.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
A friend called me a prude, and I have to admit, he was right on the money
This blog post actually picks up where my last post, "Prince Charming lost his invitation to the ball", left off. I ended my last entry halfway through because I was getting a bit upset at myself, as I had to analyze some of my past indiscretions and missteps.
I think I was getting upset because I realized that although Prince Charming wasn't in attendance at the Mayor's Ball, I probably wouldn't have noticed him if he were there. Perhaps he was there, I wouldn't have known it because I am, somewhat, closed off.
Funny, a good friend of mine called me a prude. I thought it was funny and he was wrong, but after looking at my life and interactions over the past few years, I have to admit that he was correct in his assessment. A prude? Maybe.
Another one of my good friends, someone who I've grown very close to over the past couple of years, said that he thought I was so innocent. An innocent? Maybe.
Both of them were right. I've done my share of crazy things in my life. But for the most part, I've been a bit of a Mary Richards (after all, Mary Tyler Moore is one of my favorite actresses). And maybe all of these gay men can read that innocence in me and feel that they cannot handle it. That can be a lot of pressure for a gay man to deal with, especially since a majority of us can't be bothered with any more than a short-term whirlwind sexual experience. So no, I don't blame them.
Don't get it twisted ... I do have a crazy side that some people do see. But I tend to show people the sophisticated side at times. Guess that leads to what another friend of mine said about me. He said that I seem so regal. I can see where his assessment came from, but it was still funny to hear.
After analyzing all three of my friends' assessments of me, I've come to the conclusion that they're all right on the money. I'll admit - it hurt me a little to hear it because I never wanted to come off that way. In the world of gays, especially in Asbury Park, if a gay man is considered a prude, innocent and regal, therefore they are unapproachable and standoffish to other men. After all, who would want to try to make a pass or pick up a gay man who appeared to them in such a way? I'll be honest, I wouldn't make a move on me.
Men see me in a bar or restaurant sipping on a martini, giving off the air that I'm a prude or regal, and obviously I'm not very approachable. That is, unless that man is looking for a meal ticket or sugar daddy. One of my exes viewed me in that fashion when he met me, and that, unfortunately, became the basis of our relationship. So can I blame him? In retrospect I can't blame him, but it still hurts me sometimes. It still shakes my confidence that someone fell in love with my money before they fell in love with me.
Hell, I truly hate that I have the reputation of being out-of-reach! I really have no idea how I could possibly erase those assessments from the minds of gay men in the city. These were the blocks that my parents instilled in me, as that is the way they raised me and made great pains and sacrifices to supply me with the financial stability and responsibility that I possess to this day. I can't see anything wrong with it, except for the way others view it in me.
Even though my life's motto is "Whatever people think of me is none of my business", there are times when it is my business - mainly when it comes to my relationship status and why it is what it is.
My mother also instilled her standoffish nature in me. I'm very approachable and fiercely loyal to those friends and lovers who have taken the time to get to know me on all levels. But I know, sadly, that until you get to that point, I will always appear regal, prudish and innocent to the mass population. Pay careful attention to the word "appear", because although I appear this way, I am not at all.
So if you read my last blog entry, you know that I was feeling off because I'd witnessed two elderly gay men walking along Cookman Avenue holding hands, and was saddened because I felt like I'd never experience that with another man.
I secretly pray to myself each day that I'll find that one man who can look past my prudish, regal, unapproachable exterior and discover that I'm truly a sweet, approachable, loving, big-hearted man who just wants another man to treat him like a friend, passionate lover, confidante and soulmate.
I think I was getting upset because I realized that although Prince Charming wasn't in attendance at the Mayor's Ball, I probably wouldn't have noticed him if he were there. Perhaps he was there, I wouldn't have known it because I am, somewhat, closed off.
Funny, a good friend of mine called me a prude. I thought it was funny and he was wrong, but after looking at my life and interactions over the past few years, I have to admit that he was correct in his assessment. A prude? Maybe.
Another one of my good friends, someone who I've grown very close to over the past couple of years, said that he thought I was so innocent. An innocent? Maybe.
Both of them were right. I've done my share of crazy things in my life. But for the most part, I've been a bit of a Mary Richards (after all, Mary Tyler Moore is one of my favorite actresses). And maybe all of these gay men can read that innocence in me and feel that they cannot handle it. That can be a lot of pressure for a gay man to deal with, especially since a majority of us can't be bothered with any more than a short-term whirlwind sexual experience. So no, I don't blame them.
Don't get it twisted ... I do have a crazy side that some people do see. But I tend to show people the sophisticated side at times. Guess that leads to what another friend of mine said about me. He said that I seem so regal. I can see where his assessment came from, but it was still funny to hear.
After analyzing all three of my friends' assessments of me, I've come to the conclusion that they're all right on the money. I'll admit - it hurt me a little to hear it because I never wanted to come off that way. In the world of gays, especially in Asbury Park, if a gay man is considered a prude, innocent and regal, therefore they are unapproachable and standoffish to other men. After all, who would want to try to make a pass or pick up a gay man who appeared to them in such a way? I'll be honest, I wouldn't make a move on me.
Men see me in a bar or restaurant sipping on a martini, giving off the air that I'm a prude or regal, and obviously I'm not very approachable. That is, unless that man is looking for a meal ticket or sugar daddy. One of my exes viewed me in that fashion when he met me, and that, unfortunately, became the basis of our relationship. So can I blame him? In retrospect I can't blame him, but it still hurts me sometimes. It still shakes my confidence that someone fell in love with my money before they fell in love with me.
Hell, I truly hate that I have the reputation of being out-of-reach! I really have no idea how I could possibly erase those assessments from the minds of gay men in the city. These were the blocks that my parents instilled in me, as that is the way they raised me and made great pains and sacrifices to supply me with the financial stability and responsibility that I possess to this day. I can't see anything wrong with it, except for the way others view it in me.
Even though my life's motto is "Whatever people think of me is none of my business", there are times when it is my business - mainly when it comes to my relationship status and why it is what it is.
My mother also instilled her standoffish nature in me. I'm very approachable and fiercely loyal to those friends and lovers who have taken the time to get to know me on all levels. But I know, sadly, that until you get to that point, I will always appear regal, prudish and innocent to the mass population. Pay careful attention to the word "appear", because although I appear this way, I am not at all.
So if you read my last blog entry, you know that I was feeling off because I'd witnessed two elderly gay men walking along Cookman Avenue holding hands, and was saddened because I felt like I'd never experience that with another man.
I secretly pray to myself each day that I'll find that one man who can look past my prudish, regal, unapproachable exterior and discover that I'm truly a sweet, approachable, loving, big-hearted man who just wants another man to treat him like a friend, passionate lover, confidante and soulmate.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Prince Charming lost his invitation to the ball, says Cindefella as he weeps
Right now I'm sitting in America's Cup on Cookman Avenue, ostensibly to work on my novel's rewrite. Trust me, I wanted to. But there are so many things on my mind that I'm not in any position to do that right now. And since writing a blog post helps clear my mind, I figured I'd do that instead.
Last weekend was the Mayor's Ball, the premier event of the year. Or so they told me before I purchased a ticket and attended. I won't say that it was an awful time. And I'm glad that I attended, if for nothing else but to say that I tried it out once. I'm not sure if I'll go again, though.
I had some friends who were there and had a good time hanging out with them. I sat at the last table in the back and couldn't hear one damn thing they said on stage. But that may have been a good thing, who knows. I was supposed to sit a lot closer to the stage, as a friend of mine told me prior to the event that I could sit at his table. But I guess it was an oversight, because when it came time for dinner, his table was surprisingly full. And there were a couple of people sitting there that I'm sure wouldn't have wanted to break bread with me. Sorry ... I may be a lot of things, but kiss-ass is not one of them. If I'm not too fond of you, trust me, you'll know it.
In any case, I won't say that he "chose" to not re-issue the invitation; I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he forgot that he offered in the first place. But that's water under the bridge.
I saw the photos from the event, and it seems the mayor took photos with a majority of the tables. Funny, he never made it back to my table. I'm not complaining, because I really didn't want to be in any of those photos. I don't want anyone smiling in my face when they haven't even taken one minute to get to know me.
The best part of the night was the faux gambling and cigar smoking. I haven't smoked a cigar in a few years, and it was good to smoke one with a few friends. Laughing and joking with a few friends that night was the best part of the night.
I was joking prior to the ball that I was destined to meet my Prince Charming and that I was Cindefella. Albiet humorous, there was seriousness to my joking. Deep down, I was hoping that my prince would be at the ball and would sweep me off my feet. Stupid, huh?
That sort of thing doesn't happen in real life - only in fairytales and romantic chick flicks.
But sitting in the coffeehouse today, I saw the sweetest thing. Two elderly gentlemen were walking up Cookman Avenue holding hands. They must have been over 60 years old, I'd assume. But it was so good to see it. That's what I thought at first. Then I got a bit saddened. I wasn't sad because they were holding hands. I was sad because it is becoming a lot clearer to me that there is a strong possibility that I will never have a man with me, walking up the street and holding my hand so lovingly.
Perhaps it will never happen to me because romantically, I'm somewhat closed off. I don't mean to be, but sometimes it's part of my makeup. I grew up in a romance-less household, as my parents were only married in name. My mother was very miserable being married; I believe she only stayed married to my father because of her children.
I'd found out a long time ago that my mother wasn't intending to have any more children, and in her words, "I wasn't supposed to be born." She didn't mean it as harsh as it sounds, but her words still ring in my mind, sometimes horribly so. She would have been long gone if she wouldn't have had me and was stuck being in a marriage with no passion or romance.
Today that still breaks my heart. Because of that, I've been struggling so hard to make sure I found love and romance with a man. Unfortunately for me, I was so desperate to make sure it happened that I was willing to sacrifice my self-respect for the "loving" arms of men who weren't totally into me.
I'm getting a bit upset with myself, so I'm going to end this post right now and pick it up tomorrow. So stay tuned for part 2 ...
Last weekend was the Mayor's Ball, the premier event of the year. Or so they told me before I purchased a ticket and attended. I won't say that it was an awful time. And I'm glad that I attended, if for nothing else but to say that I tried it out once. I'm not sure if I'll go again, though.
I had some friends who were there and had a good time hanging out with them. I sat at the last table in the back and couldn't hear one damn thing they said on stage. But that may have been a good thing, who knows. I was supposed to sit a lot closer to the stage, as a friend of mine told me prior to the event that I could sit at his table. But I guess it was an oversight, because when it came time for dinner, his table was surprisingly full. And there were a couple of people sitting there that I'm sure wouldn't have wanted to break bread with me. Sorry ... I may be a lot of things, but kiss-ass is not one of them. If I'm not too fond of you, trust me, you'll know it.
In any case, I won't say that he "chose" to not re-issue the invitation; I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he forgot that he offered in the first place. But that's water under the bridge.
I saw the photos from the event, and it seems the mayor took photos with a majority of the tables. Funny, he never made it back to my table. I'm not complaining, because I really didn't want to be in any of those photos. I don't want anyone smiling in my face when they haven't even taken one minute to get to know me.
The best part of the night was the faux gambling and cigar smoking. I haven't smoked a cigar in a few years, and it was good to smoke one with a few friends. Laughing and joking with a few friends that night was the best part of the night.
I was joking prior to the ball that I was destined to meet my Prince Charming and that I was Cindefella. Albiet humorous, there was seriousness to my joking. Deep down, I was hoping that my prince would be at the ball and would sweep me off my feet. Stupid, huh?
That sort of thing doesn't happen in real life - only in fairytales and romantic chick flicks.
But sitting in the coffeehouse today, I saw the sweetest thing. Two elderly gentlemen were walking up Cookman Avenue holding hands. They must have been over 60 years old, I'd assume. But it was so good to see it. That's what I thought at first. Then I got a bit saddened. I wasn't sad because they were holding hands. I was sad because it is becoming a lot clearer to me that there is a strong possibility that I will never have a man with me, walking up the street and holding my hand so lovingly.
Perhaps it will never happen to me because romantically, I'm somewhat closed off. I don't mean to be, but sometimes it's part of my makeup. I grew up in a romance-less household, as my parents were only married in name. My mother was very miserable being married; I believe she only stayed married to my father because of her children.
I'd found out a long time ago that my mother wasn't intending to have any more children, and in her words, "I wasn't supposed to be born." She didn't mean it as harsh as it sounds, but her words still ring in my mind, sometimes horribly so. She would have been long gone if she wouldn't have had me and was stuck being in a marriage with no passion or romance.
Today that still breaks my heart. Because of that, I've been struggling so hard to make sure I found love and romance with a man. Unfortunately for me, I was so desperate to make sure it happened that I was willing to sacrifice my self-respect for the "loving" arms of men who weren't totally into me.
I'm getting a bit upset with myself, so I'm going to end this post right now and pick it up tomorrow. So stay tuned for part 2 ...
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