Even if a person is smiling, it doesn't mean they aren't nursing heartache

"Now if I appear to be carefree, it's only to camouflage my sadness. In order to shield my pride I try to cover this hurt with a show of gladness."

If you don't know, these lyrics are from the song "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles, one of my favorite songs. It holds meaning for a lot of people, and unfortunately sometimes it hits close to home for myself.

I never like for people to know that I may be truly saddened by a person's actions. Sometimes I think it's just a show of weakness, but for the most part I just don't want people to know that my feelings are hurt.

Well, someone's actions did hurt my feelings. I'm not sure if they meant to do it, or if they just were kind of oblivious to what they did because perhaps they didn't know that I'd even care because more often than not I'm smiling and laughing.

Since this blog does let people into my own personal life and the lives of the LGBTQ community, there are times that I think I may express too much. After all, I never really like to hurt people's feelings ... I save that for Bernadine!

This is also my way of venting, and also perhaps getting closure over a situation for myself. It's therapeutic, and I don't need to schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist.

But anyway, I'll get to it.

I hate, absolutely hate, to ask a man out. But for the most part, that's always what I've had to do since I sometimes come off as a dominant, driven person ... that's just the curses of being an A-type personality.

So about three months ago, I rustled up the courage to ask someone out. The man was just my type of guy, and he possessed a lot of qualities that I look for in a person. So I said to myself, "Life is too short and I deserve some happiness so just ask him".

Well I asked him, and he said that he'd love to go to dinner with me. "Score!", of course, is what I thought. I hadn't been putting myself out there because after my last couple of experiences I was extremely gun-shy and just couldn't deal with any rejection. This man was sort of busy with work but he told me that he'd be in touch to plan it.

As the first month passed with no outreach on his part, I just figured time was scarce and he couldn't get any time to be social. As the second month went by, I just chalked it up to not enough time to get together. I mean, I wasn't waiting by the phone or anything; I was still having fun going out with friends and having a full social life myself.

But I had to just kick myself in the ass for asking him out in the first place. The reason ~ I know he had enough time to hang out with his friends, travel here and there for PRIDE fesitivities and other social events, etc. (courtesy of Facebook and social media - social media is a blessing and a curse sometimes!)

Some people in my life tell me that I hold people to high standards. I do sometimes, but I think sometimes it's a necessary evil. I've gotten better, but I still have to work on it.

So as we were approaching the three-month mark and he hadn't gotten in touch with me, I just said to myself "Screw it, he just never wanted to go out with me anyway!" I was content with that ... until I saw him this past weekend on the town. The problem with seeing him out wasn't that he hadn't turned out to be the person I thought he was; the problem was that he was at a place that he knew that I would be hanging out in Asbury Park because I'm always there.

Now perhaps I was just overthinking, but what I assessed:

No remorse for blowing me off after I put myself in a vulnerable position by asking him to dinner;

No apprehension that I might feel some sort of way to see him after two and a half months of no contact on his part;

No explanation of why he never followed through.

But what it did seem like was that he was surprised that I didn't swing my arms open and greet him like I'd always done in the past. I said "hi", smiled slightly and just went about my business.
I will say that even though I can't understand why this situation occurred, I really have no ill feelings toward this man. For whatever reason this all happened, I still don't think he's terrible.

So I'm going to pose the questions out there for my readers ~~ Was I wrong to expect courtesy from this person, because if he didn't want to go out, a simple "No thank you" would have been fine for me, instead of him seeming excited? Did I expect too much from this person, or hold him at too high a standard? Am I just too much of a Charlotte from "Sex and the City", still holding out hope that a true gentleman will make me a slight sliver of importance, despite living in a highly sex-driven/commitment-phobia community?

I am at a loss because I think that I did everything correct in this situation, but I could be wrong. Maybe I am too much into the mindset that if I put courtesy, chivalry and honor out there, that I'll get it back.

Damn, I feel like I'm about to cross the street from Optimist Blvd. to Cynical Avenue, all the while a bus is careening down the street about to hit me!

Save the date ... a benefit planned for one of our own, David Hoffman

As many of us in the community already know, Asbury Park bartender and event planner ~ and Pink Prom King 2013 ~ David Hoffman has been ill for a bit now.
He's been having a lot of medical difficulties, and he's being put through painful procedures to find some relief for his condition. He's been diagnosed with neuropathy and walking is close to impossible for him, he's had fevers and at the latest, he had to undergo a spinal tap. Through it all, David has managed to hold on to his sense of humor and spirits. When I was speaking to him, he even made ME laugh. He does that to everyone; just one of the reasons we love him.
Now for those who don't know what it is, neuropathy is a collection of disorders that occurs when nerves of the peripheral nervous system (the part of the nervous system outside of the brain and spinal cord) are damaged.
Words of love and prayers have been expressed by so many members of the community and beyond for David's quick recovery. This condition has rendered him unable to work at this time and to help him financially and to show our support, the community will be putting on a benefit for one of our own.
Now everyone knows that when any of us have experienced some difficulty in our lives, David has always, always been one of the first ones to come to our rescue, either with words of wisdom, a shoulder to cry on, a hand being lent, or a fundraising benefit to help us make it over the hump. He's done this for over 20 years ... it's just the kind of man that he is.
So now, it's time to give back to the man who always gives us so much!
The benefit will be held Sunday, July 14th from 5 to 9 p.m. at Georgie's Bar, located at 5th and Memorial in Asbury Park, NJ. What we can expect for a $5 donation at the door is a hell of a lot of love. There will be go-go dancers; performances by Christy Girlington, host of drag night Thursdays at Georgie's and a favorite in the community, and Georgie's karaoke hostess and fabulous singer Jilly Sentino; a silent auction; 50/50; and a food buffet.
When I spoke to him, he explained a lot of the problems he's been having from years of up-and-down medical struggles. I wanted to go into detail about it, but I think me writing it will never be the same as the words that David will have to say at the benefit.
I know this for sure ~ those individuals in the community who think they are invincible and there may be some magic pill to overcome all medical crises should get out to the benefit to not only support David, but also to hear what he has to say. He's been through the ups and downs of his HIV-positive status, and to hit it home for all of us, you need to see first-hand.
Okay, this is when I shouldn't be listening to George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" while writing this blog because the song has a lot to say and makes me cry a bit.
David has been there for all of us, myself included. A couple of years ago, when my mother was close to death, my family was going to have to make some difficult decisions, and I was having a hard time with it. More than most people know. But living a distance from my family, I just needed someone to talk to about it all, someone at that particular moment (while I'm in tears) who would be supportive, firm, wise and would tell me what I may not want to hear but needed to hear to clear my mind. I called David. We talked, it must have been, for a couple of hours. After speaking with him, I knew that I had to allow others to support me, but I had to be the strong one as well. My mother passed away a few days later. David's words were just what I needed to hear to come to peace with it. When I moved up here, gee about 6 years ago, David was working at The Harrison and was one of the first people who extended a friendly hand to me to make me feel welcome.
Whenever David sees me, his first words are, "Everybody loves a parade" ... Parade - his nickname for me ... love it!
We've been friends ever since. He's one of my closest friends and confidantes. He's a friend and confidante to us all.
So we all need to come together and support David. He's given so much to make the LGBTQ community a much more unified group, and it's time we give back.
I also request that we all send up prayers for our brother to make a speedy recovery.
Benefit ~ Sunday, July 14th ~ 5-9 p.m. ~ Georgie's Bar ... Be there!