Even if a person is smiling, it doesn't mean they aren't nursing heartache

"Now if I appear to be carefree, it's only to camouflage my sadness. In order to shield my pride I try to cover this hurt with a show of gladness."

If you don't know, these lyrics are from the song "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles, one of my favorite songs. It holds meaning for a lot of people, and unfortunately sometimes it hits close to home for myself.

I never like for people to know that I may be truly saddened by a person's actions. Sometimes I think it's just a show of weakness, but for the most part I just don't want people to know that my feelings are hurt.

Well, someone's actions did hurt my feelings. I'm not sure if they meant to do it, or if they just were kind of oblivious to what they did because perhaps they didn't know that I'd even care because more often than not I'm smiling and laughing.

Since this blog does let people into my own personal life and the lives of the LGBTQ community, there are times that I think I may express too much. After all, I never really like to hurt people's feelings ... I save that for Bernadine!

This is also my way of venting, and also perhaps getting closure over a situation for myself. It's therapeutic, and I don't need to schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist.

But anyway, I'll get to it.

I hate, absolutely hate, to ask a man out. But for the most part, that's always what I've had to do since I sometimes come off as a dominant, driven person ... that's just the curses of being an A-type personality.

So about three months ago, I rustled up the courage to ask someone out. The man was just my type of guy, and he possessed a lot of qualities that I look for in a person. So I said to myself, "Life is too short and I deserve some happiness so just ask him".

Well I asked him, and he said that he'd love to go to dinner with me. "Score!", of course, is what I thought. I hadn't been putting myself out there because after my last couple of experiences I was extremely gun-shy and just couldn't deal with any rejection. This man was sort of busy with work but he told me that he'd be in touch to plan it.

As the first month passed with no outreach on his part, I just figured time was scarce and he couldn't get any time to be social. As the second month went by, I just chalked it up to not enough time to get together. I mean, I wasn't waiting by the phone or anything; I was still having fun going out with friends and having a full social life myself.

But I had to just kick myself in the ass for asking him out in the first place. The reason ~ I know he had enough time to hang out with his friends, travel here and there for PRIDE fesitivities and other social events, etc. (courtesy of Facebook and social media - social media is a blessing and a curse sometimes!)

Some people in my life tell me that I hold people to high standards. I do sometimes, but I think sometimes it's a necessary evil. I've gotten better, but I still have to work on it.

So as we were approaching the three-month mark and he hadn't gotten in touch with me, I just said to myself "Screw it, he just never wanted to go out with me anyway!" I was content with that ... until I saw him this past weekend on the town. The problem with seeing him out wasn't that he hadn't turned out to be the person I thought he was; the problem was that he was at a place that he knew that I would be hanging out in Asbury Park because I'm always there.

Now perhaps I was just overthinking, but what I assessed:

No remorse for blowing me off after I put myself in a vulnerable position by asking him to dinner;

No apprehension that I might feel some sort of way to see him after two and a half months of no contact on his part;

No explanation of why he never followed through.

But what it did seem like was that he was surprised that I didn't swing my arms open and greet him like I'd always done in the past. I said "hi", smiled slightly and just went about my business.
I will say that even though I can't understand why this situation occurred, I really have no ill feelings toward this man. For whatever reason this all happened, I still don't think he's terrible.

So I'm going to pose the questions out there for my readers ~~ Was I wrong to expect courtesy from this person, because if he didn't want to go out, a simple "No thank you" would have been fine for me, instead of him seeming excited? Did I expect too much from this person, or hold him at too high a standard? Am I just too much of a Charlotte from "Sex and the City", still holding out hope that a true gentleman will make me a slight sliver of importance, despite living in a highly sex-driven/commitment-phobia community?

I am at a loss because I think that I did everything correct in this situation, but I could be wrong. Maybe I am too much into the mindset that if I put courtesy, chivalry and honor out there, that I'll get it back.

Damn, I feel like I'm about to cross the street from Optimist Blvd. to Cynical Avenue, all the while a bus is careening down the street about to hit me!