I hate to admit it, but I'm one of those men who wears his heart on his sleeve.
You see, I've entered into a liaison - of sorts - with a man who I thoroughly enjoy and love spending time with as much as I possibly can. We have so much in common and he makes me smile, just by looking at me. And just when his hand touches mine, it's like electricity runs through me. The connection is extremely strong, and I even enjoy getting his text messages when we can't see each other.
Very recently, a slow song came on the radio and we just started to dance - right where we were standing. I'm sure that doesn't mean too much to some people, but that type of romantic move is something I don't usually do. I always thought doing that was somewhat hokey and lame, but I don't think that way anymore. He just, literally, swept me off my feet.
Sounds like something you only find in chick flicks or those romantic-comedy movies when the lead characters end up together in the end, after experiencing some bumps in the road and missed connections. Right?
Well that won't happen to us; we won't end up together when all is said and done. I won't go into the details why I know this will not be our destiny. Just believe me when I say that we won't end up together. I'm not being a cynical, pessimistic romantic, either. It's just the way life will happen for us.
I've had this situation on my mind a lot lately. I guess that's why I had the dream that I had last night. Although I'm not sure if it was a dream or a message.
I had a dream about my mother. As most who follow my blog already know, my mother passed away in October. I think she was giving me a message, possibly some advice, about things. I just can't recall a lot of it and I've been trying to piece it together. But I figured that I might not be able to discover the intent of the message, or if it's a message at all.
So I went about my business today. I went to boot camp (which was a real kick in my ass to get in gear). I heard the songs, "Rock Steady" by Aretha Franklin and "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. These were two of the songs that my mother used to play on Sunday mornings on her record player, I believe to get the house in good spirits. I thought it was weird to hear those songs back-to-back, but I chalked it up to just coincidence. When I sing these songs, especially for karaoke, I feel very close to my mother.
Then I went to Munch in Asbury Park to get a little breakfast. Then something odd happened. A friend of mine came in and mentioned to me that he was down Atlantic City, played the slots and didn't win. He went to the Borgata, which was my mother's place of gambling. Another person had mentioned that he was going down today and would be hanging out at Harrah's, which was my mother's other place to gamble in A.C.
It was almost as if my mom was trying to get a message to me again this morning. But I can't figure it out.
Maybe something will happen to clear a path to my understanding. Perhaps Mom is trying to offer me some words of her wisdom.
Time will tell.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone
This past Sunday I went to The Showroom in Asbury Park to see "Edge of Seventeen".
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.
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