Congratulations Asbury gays ... the cynicism has finally worn me down

A little over a year ago, I had posted a blog that had some of my good friends worried that all the drama, chaos, cynicism and bitchiness surrounding the gay community had put me in a bad place. I was fine (sort of); I was just a little tired of having to put up with it all.
This time, I'm not "just a little tired" ... I'm done!
Over the past couple of months, I had been trying to keep it together because I knew that I never let things get the better of me and I always maintained a positive attitude about the gay scene in Asbury Park. I always knew that no matter what, happiness was just around the corner for me.
So I always let my guard down and let people know that I was always the optimist, that my gays would never really let me down. Despite the fact that so many people in the gay community were becoming - or had already become - cynics about the community and all the drama, I refused to let myself be cynical about the scene.
I can no longer say that. Some of the people in this gay community have put me in a very negative space. I can no longer makes lemonade out of lemons. I can no longer let myself care about the gay community in Asbury.
There are so many people who I'd like to thank for pushing me to feel like a part of me has died, especially since I'd always felt so alive being a confident, passionate black gay man, one who always knew that romance and camaraderie was always possiible. I was fooling myself, for so many years.
I wish I didn't feel this way, especially since this past Mother's Day was so tremendously hard for me to deal with. I still smiled and made sure everyone around me didn't know how awful I was feeling; I didn't want to ruin anyone's special day.
So I made the decision to bury those feelings down, deep down, so I didn't show them to anyone. And I was fine with that.
But despite how I felt about no longer having my mom around and not being able to celebrate her day the way we honored her every year, I pressed forward. But I just wanted to throw myself into being so happy in my gay community. But no, some of these gays in Asbury must have just known how awful I was feeling and wanted to make me feel so much worse.
It's a rule of mine to never offer up names, and I'm not going to change that rule now. But if any of you reading this relate to the situations, know it is about you or something you've done and don't like the mirror being held up to your dark, passionless soul, too damn bad!
You have people lying to your face because they think you are too stupid to know they're deceptive jerks; people who would rather serve out-of-towners before their regular patrons because they think you'll wait forever because you are here all year round; people who start fights because they have something to prove; people who ignore you and act like they don't know you (even though they wanted to be your Facebook friend - what's that about?); people who are so afraid of getting older that they settle for a younger, very tragic person - just because they are young.
You also have people who are just too damn tragic and spreaded drama in their past relationships that they are so inept at being in a true, loving relationship in the future so they try to push that drama into the new prospective romantic relationship; people who ask you out, then realize you want more than a one-night stand (even though you told them so prior); people who will let you know that you are only a customer who tips big, when you may have mistakenly assumed that they are a friend; people who you think are friends and they will drag you into a situation by opening their mouths about something they "assume", then try to backpedal by lying; and those who will make you feel like you can't trust a living soul ever again.
I know some of this is harsh ... hell, who am I kidding? It's all harsh. But I'm at the end of my rope, and I've already tied a knot to hang on but it seems like that knot is coming loose. But hey, I'm a writer, and what writers do is write about what they know and how things make them feel.
But I'm SO grateful for the people in the gay community who counteract these negative souls; I need more of them. If it weren't for these individuals, I know I'd just crumble.
My bestie, who has found all this stuff out long ago but still has never crushed my hopes that some people are still good for me, has been a true rock for me;
My golden girls, who have always let me know that even though there are some tragic souls in Jersey's gay community, they always have my back and we can always, always laugh about it until it all seems so trivial;
A few very tight, close friends who will let me vent and cry in front of them and never, ever turn their backs on me;
A few close confidantes who will pull me aside and tell me when I'm making a tragic mistake because they know me all too well and know I'm worth more than what I'm blindly walking into.
Actually, there are a lot of people who I am cool with and who I know have my back - even when I don't even know they are protecting me. They don't always tell me they are protecting me; they just do it. And I love them for it and hope they know I love them for it. I'm going to have to tell them how much they mean to me a lot more.
So although I've encountered some people who make me feel nauseous just at the sight of them, I thank the Heavens that some truly dear people have been placed in my path to counteract the negative souls.
I was about to apologize if anyone was offended at this blog post, but I'm not really sorry at all. Those who I love and adore in this community know how much I care about them because I make every attempt to let them know how much I love them and appreciate them - whether by tipping very well for their service, or texting them our secret crazy catch-phrases all the time, buying them a drink when I'm happy to get the chance to hang out with them, or giving them a huge hug when I see them out and about.
Perhaps if anyone learns anything from reading this blog post, I'd like it to be this ... If you treat people like they are insignificant in the big scheme of things in this world, you will continue to return to this Earth as a less fortunate soul who will get beat up emotionally, even worse than the time prior. Act towards others as you want to be treated yourself.
And more importantly, never treat another human being in a manner that you would never want someone treating your own mother.

When do you know that you are in the right place for a new relationship?

I'm not sure what I did in a past life, but after looking at the way my love life has progressed, there's a chance I may have caused a few lovers some emotional stress.
Wow, that's deep.
Not too deep. I always believe that the way you treat someone in a past life is the way you'll be treated in your next life. That's why I make every attempt to be kind, considerate, chivalrous and sweet-natured.
It's kind of obvious that not many people who I encounter believe in this concept too much, because they aren't really following these guidelines.
This is one of the reasons why I'm cautiously optimistic when I meet a new person who I consider a potential romantic interest. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Why? Because it always does. But even so, I still keep chugging along. Someone said I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe they were right. But I always see the best in a person until they give me a reason to toss them aside.
I know maneuvering my way through the sea of gay men, looking for my next romance, is a treacherous course. So many of the men who I encounter expect me to always make the move. Believe it or not, I'm one of the most shy individuals when it comes to that. I am deathly fearful of rejection, due mainly to something that happened in my past (which is totally for another blog post, likely to be written when I've had a couple of stiff martinis).
But despite my apprehension, I still want to see what the future holds for me. I am interested in someone new, but I'm not sure how much this person really likes me in return. Sure, I've been told that he likes me and wants to me, but until I hear those words out of his mouth, there's always a chance that it's just my wishful thinking.
My close friend was joking with me about my goal to finally do something and enter into a new relationship; he'd said I haven't done too much to find someone new. And he's right. I just didn't want to make any moves to allow myself to get hurt. I guess I should have just taken my own advice, because I always tell people to get past themselves to let a new person into their lives. Practice what I preach - I know, I know!
My blog entires are always truthful - sometimes painfully so. But as a writer, I've been taught that you have to expose yourself to get to the good stuff. Well, if I were to be truthful, I'd have to reveal that this particular person seems very kindhearted and genuine. The reason why I'm so uncertain - I've asked him to join me at a function, but as of yet, he hasn't answered me. And I'm not sure if he even wants to spend time with me.
My mother, God rest her soul, always taught me to never, ever chase someone who may not want to be caught. In matters like these, she's always been right.
So revisiting the past, I've been exploring my past relationships and some of the mistakes that I've made. Now they haven't been princes, and at times I've given way too much. I'm not sure why I'd always bent over backwards to make things turn out the way I wanted/needed them to turn out.
But I'm thankful I do have something to go on as a reference to what I need to do next time, before I go down the same path.
So I guess it's time to explore what's out there waiting for me in the way of romantic relations.