It's been a couple of weeks since I've blogged. And I'll get back to my normal blogging shortly.
This entry is a call out to all the good folks in the community, and surrounding areas, to donate a coat during the COATS FOR KIDS drive, occurring Sunday, Dec. 12th from 3 to 9 p.m. at The Harrison, located at 716 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park.
The event is run by my good friend David Hoffman, and its goal is to collect new and used coats - all sizes and styles - for the holiday to distribute to needy families.
So make sure to get out to The Harrison and help make this worthy cause a smashing success!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I'm no dancing queen ... or am I?
This has been one stressful week!
I feel like all my energy is spent, but I'm glad today begins my vacation week.
This week is Thanksgiving, and I always take vacation time during this week. It's my favorite holiday, one that I've always been so happy to share with my mom. This was one of her favorite holidays, too, because she would get to spend it with all her family around her.
So I was always so thankful to get to see her on Thanksgiving.
This will be the first holiday without my mother. I won't get to see her this Thanksgiving - our holiday. This week will be so difficult for me, but it was going to be a bit easier because my ex-boyfriend (as of 13 days) had made a lot of plans with me to get me through the week. But as he is no longer in the picture, the plans are no longer in the picture, either.
I'm going to my brother's house for Thanksgiving family dinner, but as for the rest of the week, I have to come up with alternate plans to get through this week.
So I guess I'm going to need to fill the time with something else that I love to do - dance!
I love to dance, and in Asbury Park, I usually always dance at Club Paradise. That's really the only place in the city to sufficiently dance the night away. So I guess I'll dance as much as I can this week. Maybe I'll head up to Philly to dance at Woody's, New Hope to dance at Nevermore, or Manhattan to dance at a slew of places - Pyramid or The Ritz, perhaps. And tonight, I'm going to dance the night away at Club Paradise.
It's funny - I love to show off my ability to morph from a serious businessman into a dancing fool. But I never would dance in front of my mother. I don't think she's ever seen me dance. I've always been shy to dance in front of my mother because I thought she'd think I was a bit of a dancing queen, so to speak. I thought she'd be embarrassed.
But I wish she were able to see me acting like a dancing queen in a disco; I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.
So maybe I'll do a hell of a lot of dancing this week. And maybe mom will be looking down on me, finally able to see her youngest son show off his dancing skills.
She'll finally be able to see that I am, indeed, a dancing queen.
I feel like all my energy is spent, but I'm glad today begins my vacation week.
This week is Thanksgiving, and I always take vacation time during this week. It's my favorite holiday, one that I've always been so happy to share with my mom. This was one of her favorite holidays, too, because she would get to spend it with all her family around her.
So I was always so thankful to get to see her on Thanksgiving.
This will be the first holiday without my mother. I won't get to see her this Thanksgiving - our holiday. This week will be so difficult for me, but it was going to be a bit easier because my ex-boyfriend (as of 13 days) had made a lot of plans with me to get me through the week. But as he is no longer in the picture, the plans are no longer in the picture, either.
I'm going to my brother's house for Thanksgiving family dinner, but as for the rest of the week, I have to come up with alternate plans to get through this week.
So I guess I'm going to need to fill the time with something else that I love to do - dance!
I love to dance, and in Asbury Park, I usually always dance at Club Paradise. That's really the only place in the city to sufficiently dance the night away. So I guess I'll dance as much as I can this week. Maybe I'll head up to Philly to dance at Woody's, New Hope to dance at Nevermore, or Manhattan to dance at a slew of places - Pyramid or The Ritz, perhaps. And tonight, I'm going to dance the night away at Club Paradise.
It's funny - I love to show off my ability to morph from a serious businessman into a dancing fool. But I never would dance in front of my mother. I don't think she's ever seen me dance. I've always been shy to dance in front of my mother because I thought she'd think I was a bit of a dancing queen, so to speak. I thought she'd be embarrassed.
But I wish she were able to see me acting like a dancing queen in a disco; I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.
So maybe I'll do a hell of a lot of dancing this week. And maybe mom will be looking down on me, finally able to see her youngest son show off his dancing skills.
She'll finally be able to see that I am, indeed, a dancing queen.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Mama used to say take your time young man, don't you rush to get old
For those who know the '80s song "Mama Used To Say" by an artist named Junior, you know exactly what these song lyrics mean.
I learned a lot from my mother - how to make sure people don't take advantage of you, how to make the best of a bad situation, and how to love the best that you can.
This past week has been very stressful, and I've been going through my own personal hell, it would seem. This week has been difficult, and yesterday I just needed to talk to Mama. So I drove back to my hometown yesterday in an attempt to visit my Mama. My plan was to go to visit my mama at the cemetery and talk to her. I haven't been back to the cemetery since the funeral last month. I thought it would be too hard.
I thought right.
I drove down, but I just couldn't go to my Mama's gravesite. I thought, "What's going on? I'm 42 years old (but I look not a day over 30 - in gay years, and plus 'black don't crack'!) so I can't understand why I can't go to my mom's grave!?!"
Perhaps it is too soon for me. It wasn't that it was so spooky or dreary, but it was more like I felt awkward visiting her and talking to her when she's not there to answer me immediately. I would give anything to have Mama butt into my business and drive me crazy with offering her opinion on what's going on in my life.
I wanted to talk to my Mama about my boyfriend Andrew. Or I guess I have to get used to calling the guy "ex-boyfriend". Although I could call him "jerk", "a**hole", "loser" or "cheat"! But I'm a gentleman, so I'm just going to refer to him as "womanizer"!
Don't get me wrong - I don't think of him as a womanizer and I sure as hell ain't no woman, but I do think he has all the trademarks.
I was going to title this blog entry "How to become a mistress without really trying", but I ruled against it. You see, I was a mistress but I had no idea. I chose to find a man in a place other than Asbury Park because I was just so sick and tired of dealing with the city's craziness and trying to navigate the gay scene. After all, when I first came out, I spent a lot of time in New York, and that's actually where I found my first boyfriend. And how ironic, that's where I found my LAST boyfriend. I'm bowing out of the dating scene ... it's just too horrendous for me! Please don't cry for me or think I'm a foolish cad - I have been witness to many success stories and have been privy to many loving gay relationships.
I do know that some gay couples work out and are very happy and loving; I'm just realizing that I won't be one of them. I give my all and just get trampled in the dust by these guys who claim to care so deeply and love me.
I had given up on finding the man of my dreams; fairytales rarely come true - or at least for me.
So when I found Andrew, and he wanted to enter into a relationship with me, I was cautious but a bit excited. We met in an ordinary way - I met him one night at a local bar this past summer. He was visiting Asbury Park for the first time, and when he saw me up on stage singing karaoke, his friend told me that he said to her, "I want that guy!" So when he approached me and struck up a conversation, I was obviously interested in talking to him. He was attractive, had a great smile, knew how to talk "to me" and not "at me", and complimented me on my energy and good looks. I was a sucker for his good-natured attitude and attention.
So we left the bar and decided to hang out at his hotel. We spent a lot of time talking outside of the hotel on the patio. We shared many of the same interests. But one thing about him I didn't like - his smoking. See, I usually don't date smokers, mainly because my mother's smoking started her on a downward health spiral. Smoking was the beginning of her poor health issues. So I made the decision to not date smokers.
I should have followed my first instinct. But of course, feelings and the heat of the moment got the best of me, and we "got together" - and I'm sure you know what I mean without having to say it.
Afterward, we didn't exchange numbers ... he wanted to, but I just didn't want to exchange digits - I was still not believing in love and didn't want to even deal with any more men. So we left each other that night and just knew we wouldn't run into each other again.
Little did I know ...
A couple of weeks had passed, and I received an email from him. He tracked me down through my job (forgot I initially told him at first meeting where I worked), and he sent me an email saying he enjoyed our meeting and he still wanted to get together and start dating. His persistence wore me down, and I agreed to date him. In the midst of all this bliss I was feeling with Andrew, my mother passed away.
I really wasn't in the mood to even date anyone at this time, or even continue things with him. But he was very patient and loving to me, so I continued things with him and let him be there for me. He helped me through the roughest time in my life, and through him being there for me, my feelings that I'd been trying to keep under wraps and hold back from him burst through. I was falling hard for him.
So as the weeks continued, we kept things hot and heavy. He was, turning out, to actually be the man of my dreams!
But then the dream became a nightmare! I was spending the weekend with him last weekend, and I was very happy. I won't go into too many details, but suffice to say, things ended between us last weekend. After a few months of all this, from meeting him - having relations with him - he wearing me down and agreeing to start a relationship - he helping me through a horrible time - being there for each other no matter what, he cut things off.
The horrible reason - I was his mistress, so to speak. There was another person, and guilt got the better of the situation. And to add insult to injury, I had no idea about any of this.
So the trust I have for any of these men has totally disappeared! I will no longer let any of them in my life ... or in my heart ... ever again.
I'm not being bitter; I'm just being smart.
And just like Mama used to say, I'm going to take my time and just let me be me. If I learned anything from watching my Mama deal with a lifetime of disappointment at the hands of love, it's that love will let you down. The best love you can have is a love of yourself. And thank goodness my mom had that, because I can take some comfort in that.
So no more men or dating for me, because even the ones who seem like they are good as gold can easily slide under the radar with me.
I'm just too naive to be in a relationship. Just sayin'!!
I learned a lot from my mother - how to make sure people don't take advantage of you, how to make the best of a bad situation, and how to love the best that you can.
This past week has been very stressful, and I've been going through my own personal hell, it would seem. This week has been difficult, and yesterday I just needed to talk to Mama. So I drove back to my hometown yesterday in an attempt to visit my Mama. My plan was to go to visit my mama at the cemetery and talk to her. I haven't been back to the cemetery since the funeral last month. I thought it would be too hard.
I thought right.
I drove down, but I just couldn't go to my Mama's gravesite. I thought, "What's going on? I'm 42 years old (but I look not a day over 30 - in gay years, and plus 'black don't crack'!) so I can't understand why I can't go to my mom's grave!?!"
Perhaps it is too soon for me. It wasn't that it was so spooky or dreary, but it was more like I felt awkward visiting her and talking to her when she's not there to answer me immediately. I would give anything to have Mama butt into my business and drive me crazy with offering her opinion on what's going on in my life.
I wanted to talk to my Mama about my boyfriend Andrew. Or I guess I have to get used to calling the guy "ex-boyfriend". Although I could call him "jerk", "a**hole", "loser" or "cheat"! But I'm a gentleman, so I'm just going to refer to him as "womanizer"!
Don't get me wrong - I don't think of him as a womanizer and I sure as hell ain't no woman, but I do think he has all the trademarks.
I was going to title this blog entry "How to become a mistress without really trying", but I ruled against it. You see, I was a mistress but I had no idea. I chose to find a man in a place other than Asbury Park because I was just so sick and tired of dealing with the city's craziness and trying to navigate the gay scene. After all, when I first came out, I spent a lot of time in New York, and that's actually where I found my first boyfriend. And how ironic, that's where I found my LAST boyfriend. I'm bowing out of the dating scene ... it's just too horrendous for me! Please don't cry for me or think I'm a foolish cad - I have been witness to many success stories and have been privy to many loving gay relationships.
I do know that some gay couples work out and are very happy and loving; I'm just realizing that I won't be one of them. I give my all and just get trampled in the dust by these guys who claim to care so deeply and love me.
I had given up on finding the man of my dreams; fairytales rarely come true - or at least for me.
So when I found Andrew, and he wanted to enter into a relationship with me, I was cautious but a bit excited. We met in an ordinary way - I met him one night at a local bar this past summer. He was visiting Asbury Park for the first time, and when he saw me up on stage singing karaoke, his friend told me that he said to her, "I want that guy!" So when he approached me and struck up a conversation, I was obviously interested in talking to him. He was attractive, had a great smile, knew how to talk "to me" and not "at me", and complimented me on my energy and good looks. I was a sucker for his good-natured attitude and attention.
So we left the bar and decided to hang out at his hotel. We spent a lot of time talking outside of the hotel on the patio. We shared many of the same interests. But one thing about him I didn't like - his smoking. See, I usually don't date smokers, mainly because my mother's smoking started her on a downward health spiral. Smoking was the beginning of her poor health issues. So I made the decision to not date smokers.
I should have followed my first instinct. But of course, feelings and the heat of the moment got the best of me, and we "got together" - and I'm sure you know what I mean without having to say it.
Afterward, we didn't exchange numbers ... he wanted to, but I just didn't want to exchange digits - I was still not believing in love and didn't want to even deal with any more men. So we left each other that night and just knew we wouldn't run into each other again.
Little did I know ...
A couple of weeks had passed, and I received an email from him. He tracked me down through my job (forgot I initially told him at first meeting where I worked), and he sent me an email saying he enjoyed our meeting and he still wanted to get together and start dating. His persistence wore me down, and I agreed to date him. In the midst of all this bliss I was feeling with Andrew, my mother passed away.
I really wasn't in the mood to even date anyone at this time, or even continue things with him. But he was very patient and loving to me, so I continued things with him and let him be there for me. He helped me through the roughest time in my life, and through him being there for me, my feelings that I'd been trying to keep under wraps and hold back from him burst through. I was falling hard for him.
So as the weeks continued, we kept things hot and heavy. He was, turning out, to actually be the man of my dreams!
But then the dream became a nightmare! I was spending the weekend with him last weekend, and I was very happy. I won't go into too many details, but suffice to say, things ended between us last weekend. After a few months of all this, from meeting him - having relations with him - he wearing me down and agreeing to start a relationship - he helping me through a horrible time - being there for each other no matter what, he cut things off.
The horrible reason - I was his mistress, so to speak. There was another person, and guilt got the better of the situation. And to add insult to injury, I had no idea about any of this.
So the trust I have for any of these men has totally disappeared! I will no longer let any of them in my life ... or in my heart ... ever again.
I'm not being bitter; I'm just being smart.
And just like Mama used to say, I'm going to take my time and just let me be me. If I learned anything from watching my Mama deal with a lifetime of disappointment at the hands of love, it's that love will let you down. The best love you can have is a love of yourself. And thank goodness my mom had that, because I can take some comfort in that.
So no more men or dating for me, because even the ones who seem like they are good as gold can easily slide under the radar with me.
I'm just too naive to be in a relationship. Just sayin'!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The milk of human kindness can get pretty sour sometimes
It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted a blog. As you know from my past recent blogs, my mother passed away in October, and the last blog I wrote was the one I posted the night before her funeral, "I'll always love my momma 'cause she's my favorite girl".
Since her death, things have been very hard. I'm so glad that my friends - and even my acquaintances - have been there for me. Their support and unconditional love has made things a bit easier.
It's difficult to get back to normal after dealing with such a major loss. To be honest, I've been working overtime to just get back to normal and make sure the many people in my life don't feel like I'm still so fragile.
But I am still very fragile. I've been trying my best to make sure those closest to me feel like I'm okay because I need them to not feel awkward around me, like I'm going to collapse into tears. Well the tears have come less often over the past couple of weeks. So I'm hopeful that means I'm getting back to normal.
My guy Andrew has been a rock for me while I've been going through this difficult time. He's shown me that he is there for me - unconditionally - and will stand by me no matter what I'm going through. I've always felt like I had to be the strong one, but being with Andrew has taught me that I can be the weaker one.
In my previous relationships, I always felt like I had to be the strong one, the one who had to always uplift them to a higher level and be the breadwinner. It made me feel like I was no longer their equal partner, but instead their parent. And that just was not a good thing at all!
But Andrew - he's the real deal. It feels like I've been preparing for him during these past few years since I've come out, for finding him and getting myself ready to be the man he needs me to be. I'm also feeling a bit more confident in showing him my vulnerable, somewhat cautious nature. I know that I no longer need to wear that mask, the one people sometimes keep on themselves until they feel like the other person is not going to run for the hills when they see you aren't "perfect".
I'm so glad Andrew has been there for me as my rock.
Now that I've given praise to all who've been there for me these past few weeks, I must get into something that I've been avoiding talking about because I didn't want to feel like I'm insensitive. One person who has been there for me as well as all my other friends has been someone who I used to be involved with. I'm glad he's been there for me as of late - as my friend. I never wanted anything more than that, especially since I've moved on with another man. I'd made that very clear, and we didn't have the best relationship.
But I guess people cannot control their emotions sometimes, and feelings just happen when you least expect it. My feelings were clear - I just wanted to keep a friendship alive; nothing more.
I thought everything was fine and all of our cards were on the table. But then again, gay men are a different breed, I suppose.
And this little nugget of information reared its ugly head at the most inopportune moment - a Halloween party.
My friends were throwing their annual party, and although I felt a bit apprehensive about having a fun time (I felt like I was being disrespectful to my mother for having a fun time - I've felt that way, internally - a lot these past weeks), but I decided to dress up and have some fun. I dressed up as Venus Williams.
An aside ... I don't really make the most attractive woman! Ha! Ha!
So dealing with my inner feelings of guilt about having fun, I tried to put that out of my mind and just have the best time possible. Well as the night progressed, and it got a little later, a young man who has been interested - in some way, shape or form - in my ex-boyfriend decided to give me an earful about "how things have really been since my mother died." This conversation did not make me feel very good, especially since this young man was alluding that my mother's death had made my ex-boyfriend treat this young man like crap.
He let me know that my ex was throwing this young man aside because, as he put it, "you needed him and he just couldn't let you go, and he's not going to stop trying to get you back because he said he's the only person who has been there for you, and you can't handle life without him"!
(Insert a shocked look on my face and a shuddering gasp! here)
This young man, it appears, was blaming my mother's death for his losing my ex. I was totally floored. And even though I kept telling this "kid" that I have moved on and I have no interest at all in my ex, he just kept getting on my nerves about it. Not only that, but he was telling me things my ex told him about my relationship with my mother that only my ex could have told him.
At first I was just trying to be gracious and cordial by even tolerating this young man, who clearly had serious issues himself.
Then my gracious nature was morphing into sadness because just the thought that my ex was using my mother's death as a scapegoat to unload this young man, who my ex knew was heading to my friends' Halloween bash to crash it, was desperate and unfortunate. My ex had to have known that this young man would eventually confront me about being pushed aside.
Then my sadness quickly turned to anger, and I just had to leave the festivities before I exploded.
To top it off, this young man had the audacity to call me a few days later and ask me out for a drink. I told him that I was not interested, obviously, because as I told him over and over again during the party, I was totally involved and happy with my guy, Andrew. Get a clue!!
I have the unsettling feeling that this young man is still clueless, but I'm very hopeful that he got the point - finally!
I think I've also learned my lesson in accepting some individuals' human kindness. Because it's so obvious to me now that, sometimes, the milk of human kindness can get pretty sour.
So this is why I'm really looking forward to getting away from Asbury Park - at least for this weekend - and spending it in Manhattan with a sweet soul like Andrew. He is so far removed from drama, and right now, there is a little too much drama in Asbury Park - at least too much drama for me!
To end on a good note: I thank, cherish, love and appreciate all of those people in my life who have helped me survive such a difficult time. And that means all of you! :)
Since her death, things have been very hard. I'm so glad that my friends - and even my acquaintances - have been there for me. Their support and unconditional love has made things a bit easier.
It's difficult to get back to normal after dealing with such a major loss. To be honest, I've been working overtime to just get back to normal and make sure the many people in my life don't feel like I'm still so fragile.
But I am still very fragile. I've been trying my best to make sure those closest to me feel like I'm okay because I need them to not feel awkward around me, like I'm going to collapse into tears. Well the tears have come less often over the past couple of weeks. So I'm hopeful that means I'm getting back to normal.
My guy Andrew has been a rock for me while I've been going through this difficult time. He's shown me that he is there for me - unconditionally - and will stand by me no matter what I'm going through. I've always felt like I had to be the strong one, but being with Andrew has taught me that I can be the weaker one.
In my previous relationships, I always felt like I had to be the strong one, the one who had to always uplift them to a higher level and be the breadwinner. It made me feel like I was no longer their equal partner, but instead their parent. And that just was not a good thing at all!
But Andrew - he's the real deal. It feels like I've been preparing for him during these past few years since I've come out, for finding him and getting myself ready to be the man he needs me to be. I'm also feeling a bit more confident in showing him my vulnerable, somewhat cautious nature. I know that I no longer need to wear that mask, the one people sometimes keep on themselves until they feel like the other person is not going to run for the hills when they see you aren't "perfect".
I'm so glad Andrew has been there for me as my rock.
Now that I've given praise to all who've been there for me these past few weeks, I must get into something that I've been avoiding talking about because I didn't want to feel like I'm insensitive. One person who has been there for me as well as all my other friends has been someone who I used to be involved with. I'm glad he's been there for me as of late - as my friend. I never wanted anything more than that, especially since I've moved on with another man. I'd made that very clear, and we didn't have the best relationship.
But I guess people cannot control their emotions sometimes, and feelings just happen when you least expect it. My feelings were clear - I just wanted to keep a friendship alive; nothing more.
I thought everything was fine and all of our cards were on the table. But then again, gay men are a different breed, I suppose.
And this little nugget of information reared its ugly head at the most inopportune moment - a Halloween party.
My friends were throwing their annual party, and although I felt a bit apprehensive about having a fun time (I felt like I was being disrespectful to my mother for having a fun time - I've felt that way, internally - a lot these past weeks), but I decided to dress up and have some fun. I dressed up as Venus Williams.
An aside ... I don't really make the most attractive woman! Ha! Ha!
So dealing with my inner feelings of guilt about having fun, I tried to put that out of my mind and just have the best time possible. Well as the night progressed, and it got a little later, a young man who has been interested - in some way, shape or form - in my ex-boyfriend decided to give me an earful about "how things have really been since my mother died." This conversation did not make me feel very good, especially since this young man was alluding that my mother's death had made my ex-boyfriend treat this young man like crap.
He let me know that my ex was throwing this young man aside because, as he put it, "you needed him and he just couldn't let you go, and he's not going to stop trying to get you back because he said he's the only person who has been there for you, and you can't handle life without him"!
(Insert a shocked look on my face and a shuddering gasp! here)
This young man, it appears, was blaming my mother's death for his losing my ex. I was totally floored. And even though I kept telling this "kid" that I have moved on and I have no interest at all in my ex, he just kept getting on my nerves about it. Not only that, but he was telling me things my ex told him about my relationship with my mother that only my ex could have told him.
At first I was just trying to be gracious and cordial by even tolerating this young man, who clearly had serious issues himself.
Then my gracious nature was morphing into sadness because just the thought that my ex was using my mother's death as a scapegoat to unload this young man, who my ex knew was heading to my friends' Halloween bash to crash it, was desperate and unfortunate. My ex had to have known that this young man would eventually confront me about being pushed aside.
Then my sadness quickly turned to anger, and I just had to leave the festivities before I exploded.
To top it off, this young man had the audacity to call me a few days later and ask me out for a drink. I told him that I was not interested, obviously, because as I told him over and over again during the party, I was totally involved and happy with my guy, Andrew. Get a clue!!
I have the unsettling feeling that this young man is still clueless, but I'm very hopeful that he got the point - finally!
I think I've also learned my lesson in accepting some individuals' human kindness. Because it's so obvious to me now that, sometimes, the milk of human kindness can get pretty sour.
So this is why I'm really looking forward to getting away from Asbury Park - at least for this weekend - and spending it in Manhattan with a sweet soul like Andrew. He is so far removed from drama, and right now, there is a little too much drama in Asbury Park - at least too much drama for me!
To end on a good note: I thank, cherish, love and appreciate all of those people in my life who have helped me survive such a difficult time. And that means all of you! :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I'll always love my momma 'cause she's my favorite girl
This blog entry is dedicated to my sweet, sensitive, tough-talking mom.
As many may know by now, my mother passed away last week. And it's still rough, more so now than when I first found out she passed away. She put up a courageous battle to stay alive, but in the end she just did not have the strength to continue. She'd been sick off and on for many years, and although I'm glad that she is no longer in pain and suffering, I can't help but wish so much that she was still alive. We had so much unfinished business and conversations, and I just wanted - no needed - the opportunity to talk to her one last time.
That last time will never come. And I have a lot of unresolved issues that will never be resolved.
Mom struggled with a lifetime of unhappiness for many reasons that I will not get into right now. And right now, while dealing with her death, I have so many things that I need answers to and won't get them.
But no matter what, my mother loved me unconditionally. When she found out I was gay, she accepted it and never turned her back on me. Some individuals in the gay community never receive that sort of unconditional love. I spoke about this issue in one of my other blog entries. And I am so thankful that my mother got the chance to know me, and everything about me.
I do wish that my mother got the chance to meet the new man in my life. Finally, I've found a good man who wants to know everything about me - even though I'm sure at times I can be a handful. Even so, he still wants to be in a relationship with me.
He's cool, he's a principal and he's just so sweet and kind-hearted. This is someone who my mother always wanted me to have in my life, so I could get the chance to experience love from a person when I didn't have to try to make things work so hard. My mother would really like him.
I'm not going to make this blog entry too long because it's pretty painful for me to think about things and not explode into tears. I've been doing a lot of crying, and I always thought I wasn't the type to weep over things.
I learned a lot from my mother, and one thing haunts me that I just cannot figure out how to get past. My mother's main criticism of me (and also something she admired) was that I am a workaholic, just like my father. Now I'd been traveling two hours up to my mother's hospital for a few weeks to see her, watch over her and make sure everything was okay. She'd been on a ventilator, unable to breathe on her own for awhile.
Then I'd gotten a call, letting me know that she was finally able to breathe on her own and she was doing better than she had been for weeks. That night I was supposed to go down to see her, but since I'd gotten that call about her positive progress, I decided to work on a report for my job and go to see her the next day after work.
Unfortunately, time was not on our side, because that morning that I was going to travel down to visit my mother in the hospital, I'd gotten the call that she passed away.
I put work in front of my mother, once again. And I just can't get past it or forgive myself.
I'm thankful my mother is in a better place now. But I wish I had one more chance to share my life with her. There's still so much more I need to tell her, to talk to her about, and just to tell her she is loved.
My one piece of advice for everyone ... reach out to someone you love, someone who you may not have heard from in some time, and just let them know that you love them. Also, if you are at odds with someone, just squash the animosity and make up.
Life's too short, and that's a lesson I'm learning the hard way. I would not wish this feeling on anyone.
Take the advice ... it's free of charge and it's worth it!
As many may know by now, my mother passed away last week. And it's still rough, more so now than when I first found out she passed away. She put up a courageous battle to stay alive, but in the end she just did not have the strength to continue. She'd been sick off and on for many years, and although I'm glad that she is no longer in pain and suffering, I can't help but wish so much that she was still alive. We had so much unfinished business and conversations, and I just wanted - no needed - the opportunity to talk to her one last time.
That last time will never come. And I have a lot of unresolved issues that will never be resolved.
Mom struggled with a lifetime of unhappiness for many reasons that I will not get into right now. And right now, while dealing with her death, I have so many things that I need answers to and won't get them.
But no matter what, my mother loved me unconditionally. When she found out I was gay, she accepted it and never turned her back on me. Some individuals in the gay community never receive that sort of unconditional love. I spoke about this issue in one of my other blog entries. And I am so thankful that my mother got the chance to know me, and everything about me.
I do wish that my mother got the chance to meet the new man in my life. Finally, I've found a good man who wants to know everything about me - even though I'm sure at times I can be a handful. Even so, he still wants to be in a relationship with me.
He's cool, he's a principal and he's just so sweet and kind-hearted. This is someone who my mother always wanted me to have in my life, so I could get the chance to experience love from a person when I didn't have to try to make things work so hard. My mother would really like him.
I'm not going to make this blog entry too long because it's pretty painful for me to think about things and not explode into tears. I've been doing a lot of crying, and I always thought I wasn't the type to weep over things.
I learned a lot from my mother, and one thing haunts me that I just cannot figure out how to get past. My mother's main criticism of me (and also something she admired) was that I am a workaholic, just like my father. Now I'd been traveling two hours up to my mother's hospital for a few weeks to see her, watch over her and make sure everything was okay. She'd been on a ventilator, unable to breathe on her own for awhile.
Then I'd gotten a call, letting me know that she was finally able to breathe on her own and she was doing better than she had been for weeks. That night I was supposed to go down to see her, but since I'd gotten that call about her positive progress, I decided to work on a report for my job and go to see her the next day after work.
Unfortunately, time was not on our side, because that morning that I was going to travel down to visit my mother in the hospital, I'd gotten the call that she passed away.
I put work in front of my mother, once again. And I just can't get past it or forgive myself.
I'm thankful my mother is in a better place now. But I wish I had one more chance to share my life with her. There's still so much more I need to tell her, to talk to her about, and just to tell her she is loved.
My one piece of advice for everyone ... reach out to someone you love, someone who you may not have heard from in some time, and just let them know that you love them. Also, if you are at odds with someone, just squash the animosity and make up.
Life's too short, and that's a lesson I'm learning the hard way. I would not wish this feeling on anyone.
Take the advice ... it's free of charge and it's worth it!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Laughter in the rain
These days things are pretty stressful.
Those closest to me know that my mother has been struggling with poor health, and right now things look pretty shaky for her. I've been trying my best to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
My friends have been there for me every step of the way. Odd, but my mother's illness helped me bridge the gap and allow a friendship to resume. I really didn't think me and my ex (two of them, actually) would be able to be friends after all that we've been through. But I can count these two as friends now.
I'm glad, because if possible, you should always try to maintain a sort of friendship with people who've you'd had relations with, especially when everyone in our combined groups are in such a close-knit community.
I've been pretty broken up about my family's situation and how we must come together and rally around our mother. You see the good and bad in people in times like these, and I love my family.
It's raining heavily outside my window, as I'm watching the waves near the Asbury Park boardwalk crashing hard against the beach. But that's not the rain the title refers.
The rain, actually, are tears. I really thought I was somewhat incapable of crying. Although I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, only a handful of people over the years have witnessed me crying. I don't like people to see me cry - perhaps a pride issue, or could be that I've been taught to be strong and tough. That's where some people can see the "butch factor" in me.
But I do cry, and I've been doing a bit of it as I've been dealing with my mother's latest illness. For some reason, this time is different. She's really in a bad way, and I was standing in her hospital room last week, and I'd been told that she can sense what I would be saying to her. Still, I felt awkward because it's hard for me to open up to my mother even when she's conscious and able to answer me back.
I talked to her, and it was strange to not get any reaction (or opinion, for better or worse) from her. She always likes to "offer" her opinion on things, especially the fact that I'm a workaholic and don't get to see her all the time. It was just strange.
So that's the rain of which I speak. Now I'll tell you about the laughter.
The laughter has been a few instances over the past few days. Now I can laugh at myself so easily, but a few people in the gay community and their recent interactions with me - I'm not sure how much they were laughing with me (or at me, it's all according to how you look at it).
I was hanging out with one of my close friend Sunday night, trying to blow off steam, and hilarity ensued. It was like a string of events that, if I hadn't been there, I would have been pissed that I missed it!
First, we were at one of the bars in Asbury, and I ordered some food. Not an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence by any means, and I was legitimately hungry. I hadn't eaten too much, and hadn't had too much of an appetite as of late. So you know the feeling - this food, I was looking forward to more than usual.
This was actually the second time this happened to me, so the irony of the situation was not lost on me. Last time it was a friend who ate my food, so I chalked it up to sharing.
I went to the jukebox, and while I was gone, one of the lesbians in this bar (who I really can't stand too much) was drunk and out of her mind. Well, while I was at the jukebox playing songs, she ate my food! And I'd heard she owns a restaurant, so I would think she would have known better than to do that - whether drunk or sober! You know, I could have played the drama queen and confronted her, letting her know how pathetic she is and make her dish out the money to reimburse me. But instead, all of I could do was laugh uncontrollably with a few of my friends at the bar. It was hilarious after all!
Now the reason I said "one of the lesbians in this bar" is because some people are well aware that at this place, some lesbians (but definitely not all) act like they own the place. And they like to try to prove it. Really, some of them need to get a reality check, take a lesson from some of the other nicer lesbians in the establishment, and just stop the madness.
But this comedic moment was just the beginning of it all.
We left there and trekked a few blocks down to our next stop. A good guy in the city was having a birthday celebration, and it was also karaoke at the club. Now people who know me know that I love karaoke; if I could perform karaoke every night I'd be a happy camper.
One of my acquaintances asked me to dance to a karaoke song, and I agreed. So we were dancing, and as the song was ending, he decided to pull me into a dip. Now, I was not prepared for it, because the person leading is supposed to dip the other person; you shouldn't pull the lead into the dip - at least that's what I've been told. So when he did, I lost my balance and we went "BOOM" right onto the floor! I just started laughing uncontrollably ... it was hilarious! I don't think he thought it was as funny, but if you can't laugh at yourself -- well, you know the rest.
I know I needed that laughter very bad, and so I believe it was a good thing.
I thought I wouldn't get a chance to laugh again for awhile. But then last night I was feeling so out-of-sorts and pretty stressed because of work, my mother's condition and the family, and I decided to have a martini at one of favorite hangouts. And of course, since I didn't feel like being bothered, this was the night that some guy who I was not interested in talking to in the least kept grabbing me and trying to get me to talk to him. I told him politely that it was a bad day for me and I didn't want to be rude, but I just wanted to grab a drink and chill by myself - no offense.
So do you think he got the hint? Hell no he didn't! He kept bothering me and touching my hand while it was on the bar. Granted he was drunk, but I didn't want to be bothered by him. So when he moved a few seats down and fell asleep on the bar, I was ecstatic because he wouldn't be bothering me again. Seeing him fall asleep far away from me was funny, but the full-blown laughter came a few minutes later.
Another drunk guy (with whom I'm friendly) wanted to do a little PG-rated strip tease on the stage and when he tried to get up on the stage, he tripped and fell into the wall. Did that stop him? Hell no ... he immediately bounced to his feet like one of those balloon clowns that bounce back and forth as you hit it. Now I tried to keep from busting out in laughter 'cause I didn't want to embarrass him. But when I noticed another one of my friends saw this happen as well, we just looked at each other and fell out in loud laughter. Couldn't resist.
So you see - there can always be some laughter in the rain.
And as I'm laughing again as I'm writing this, I'm also praying for my mother.
And I ask that if you pray, that you pray for her as well. Thank you!
Those closest to me know that my mother has been struggling with poor health, and right now things look pretty shaky for her. I've been trying my best to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
My friends have been there for me every step of the way. Odd, but my mother's illness helped me bridge the gap and allow a friendship to resume. I really didn't think me and my ex (two of them, actually) would be able to be friends after all that we've been through. But I can count these two as friends now.
I'm glad, because if possible, you should always try to maintain a sort of friendship with people who've you'd had relations with, especially when everyone in our combined groups are in such a close-knit community.
I've been pretty broken up about my family's situation and how we must come together and rally around our mother. You see the good and bad in people in times like these, and I love my family.
It's raining heavily outside my window, as I'm watching the waves near the Asbury Park boardwalk crashing hard against the beach. But that's not the rain the title refers.
The rain, actually, are tears. I really thought I was somewhat incapable of crying. Although I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, only a handful of people over the years have witnessed me crying. I don't like people to see me cry - perhaps a pride issue, or could be that I've been taught to be strong and tough. That's where some people can see the "butch factor" in me.
But I do cry, and I've been doing a bit of it as I've been dealing with my mother's latest illness. For some reason, this time is different. She's really in a bad way, and I was standing in her hospital room last week, and I'd been told that she can sense what I would be saying to her. Still, I felt awkward because it's hard for me to open up to my mother even when she's conscious and able to answer me back.
I talked to her, and it was strange to not get any reaction (or opinion, for better or worse) from her. She always likes to "offer" her opinion on things, especially the fact that I'm a workaholic and don't get to see her all the time. It was just strange.
So that's the rain of which I speak. Now I'll tell you about the laughter.
The laughter has been a few instances over the past few days. Now I can laugh at myself so easily, but a few people in the gay community and their recent interactions with me - I'm not sure how much they were laughing with me (or at me, it's all according to how you look at it).
I was hanging out with one of my close friend Sunday night, trying to blow off steam, and hilarity ensued. It was like a string of events that, if I hadn't been there, I would have been pissed that I missed it!
First, we were at one of the bars in Asbury, and I ordered some food. Not an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence by any means, and I was legitimately hungry. I hadn't eaten too much, and hadn't had too much of an appetite as of late. So you know the feeling - this food, I was looking forward to more than usual.
This was actually the second time this happened to me, so the irony of the situation was not lost on me. Last time it was a friend who ate my food, so I chalked it up to sharing.
I went to the jukebox, and while I was gone, one of the lesbians in this bar (who I really can't stand too much) was drunk and out of her mind. Well, while I was at the jukebox playing songs, she ate my food! And I'd heard she owns a restaurant, so I would think she would have known better than to do that - whether drunk or sober! You know, I could have played the drama queen and confronted her, letting her know how pathetic she is and make her dish out the money to reimburse me. But instead, all of I could do was laugh uncontrollably with a few of my friends at the bar. It was hilarious after all!
Now the reason I said "one of the lesbians in this bar" is because some people are well aware that at this place, some lesbians (but definitely not all) act like they own the place. And they like to try to prove it. Really, some of them need to get a reality check, take a lesson from some of the other nicer lesbians in the establishment, and just stop the madness.
But this comedic moment was just the beginning of it all.
We left there and trekked a few blocks down to our next stop. A good guy in the city was having a birthday celebration, and it was also karaoke at the club. Now people who know me know that I love karaoke; if I could perform karaoke every night I'd be a happy camper.
One of my acquaintances asked me to dance to a karaoke song, and I agreed. So we were dancing, and as the song was ending, he decided to pull me into a dip. Now, I was not prepared for it, because the person leading is supposed to dip the other person; you shouldn't pull the lead into the dip - at least that's what I've been told. So when he did, I lost my balance and we went "BOOM" right onto the floor! I just started laughing uncontrollably ... it was hilarious! I don't think he thought it was as funny, but if you can't laugh at yourself -- well, you know the rest.
I know I needed that laughter very bad, and so I believe it was a good thing.
I thought I wouldn't get a chance to laugh again for awhile. But then last night I was feeling so out-of-sorts and pretty stressed because of work, my mother's condition and the family, and I decided to have a martini at one of favorite hangouts. And of course, since I didn't feel like being bothered, this was the night that some guy who I was not interested in talking to in the least kept grabbing me and trying to get me to talk to him. I told him politely that it was a bad day for me and I didn't want to be rude, but I just wanted to grab a drink and chill by myself - no offense.
So do you think he got the hint? Hell no he didn't! He kept bothering me and touching my hand while it was on the bar. Granted he was drunk, but I didn't want to be bothered by him. So when he moved a few seats down and fell asleep on the bar, I was ecstatic because he wouldn't be bothering me again. Seeing him fall asleep far away from me was funny, but the full-blown laughter came a few minutes later.
Another drunk guy (with whom I'm friendly) wanted to do a little PG-rated strip tease on the stage and when he tried to get up on the stage, he tripped and fell into the wall. Did that stop him? Hell no ... he immediately bounced to his feet like one of those balloon clowns that bounce back and forth as you hit it. Now I tried to keep from busting out in laughter 'cause I didn't want to embarrass him. But when I noticed another one of my friends saw this happen as well, we just looked at each other and fell out in loud laughter. Couldn't resist.
So you see - there can always be some laughter in the rain.
And as I'm laughing again as I'm writing this, I'm also praying for my mother.
And I ask that if you pray, that you pray for her as well. Thank you!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!
A healthy bit of confidence is a good thing.
But some people take it just a bit too far.
I'm a pretty confident fellow, but I know where confidence ends and egomania begins. And I've made some definite moves to make certain I don't lean too far over the fence into "egotistical valley."
Now what I'm about to write relates to all people, but since this blog is focusing on Asbury Park's gay scene, that is who I'm going to reference in the following paragraphs.
It blows my mind that there are some gay men who think that just because you talk to them, flirt with them or toss a little attention their way that you would simply die if they didn't give you a kind word or two in return. Life for me would just end if they didn't talk to me ... or so that's the way a few of them act.
I've held discussions with a certain bartender in the city, and although he's interesting enough, it's not like he's the only conversation in town, so to speak. He's a good-looking fellow, I won't take that away from him. But he's not the cat's meow. And he really doesn't know anything about me, because whenever I'd sat down and hold a discussion with him, it was, pretty much, all about him.
Hey, I'm a good listener, and it's one of my better characteristics - all modesty aside.
But this guy seems a bit too egotistical in his assumption that I would fall all over him just to hear a kind word fall from his lips.
I don't really speak to him anymore, but whenever I do see him around town - more often than not he's two or three drinks past drunk - I just want to say to him, "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
If this particular bartender wasn't enough, there are more of these creatures lurking around the corner.
Another guy is a nice enough fellow, but I think he's trying his hardest to hold onto a past youth and make sure he still has "it". Well, I'll give him his props, too - this guy is good-looking, but he could get some tips from Rachel Zoe or Kenneth Cole in polishing off his choice of style and fashion.
But like I said, he's a good-looking guy and he's kind of sweet. But I've hung out with him a few times in the recent past and every time he sees me, he acts like he hasn't seen me in years and wants me to jump up and down and do cartwheels for him. You know the look - he's a condemned man who's eating his last meal, his request is a steak dinner, and I'm a Porterhouse!
It's kind of cute because he initiates the flirting session ... that is, until he acts aloof and gets awkward when we start to hold a conversation. Truth be told, I flirt a little too much sometimes. But when I speak (okay, subconsciously flirt ... okay maybe consciously) with this guy, he acts shy and retreats like I've just proposed marriage. Well if people don't want others to flirt back, they should not flirt at all.
But I've finally figured this guy out. He likes attention, but thinks he deserves the attention. He's trying to be a player who feigns innocence. He knows exactly what he's doing, and that latent egotism doesn't look cute any longer. I just want to say to him, "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
This particular fellow can steer clear of me from now on. Because if I see him coming in my direction, I'm gonna bust a move in the other direction.
And holy cow ... I love some of the straight guys who hang out in gay establishments. I love it how they feel so comfortable around us "homo-sexicals" (as Shirley Q. Liquor would say ... look her up if you want some hearty laughs). But I've run into one young gentleman who's straight - he must be, 'cause he keeps telling everyone, right ;-) And he just gets a kick out of gay men flirting with him.
We're not flirting with him; we're being friendly! Please, I wish this young gun would get it through his head that gay men are not always trying to pick up straight fellows. Sometimes we just like to be nice to people, and make them feel welcome in our environment. (Wow, "our environment" makes it sound like we live in a village far away from other human beings, huh? I've got to find another way to phrase that!)
But to this particular straight fellow, I just want to give him a little advice ... "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
Now I'm not saying that I am innocent, either. I flirt too much and play coy a little too often.
Right now I'm in a situation where absence of disinterest has led someone to think my feelings are a lot more than friendship. I've told this person that we are friends, but as we've had some relations in the past, I think this fact is lost on him.
And I, myself, am guilty of letting my ego get the better of me and letting things slide way too long. I thought my intentions were evident, but perhaps I have been experiencing my own brand of egomania. But I did clear the air with him, and I shudder to say that I am realizing that he still may not be getting the point. I guess only time will tell, and I'm going to behave myself.
So to myself, I just need to say, "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
Good news, though. I'm in the beginning stages of a new relationship with a smart, intelligent, successful man who, thank goodness, does not live in the Asbury Park area. I like Asbury Park, don't get me wrong. But sometimes this city seems almost incestuous with people in the gay community playing their own brand of square-dancing with the people in their lives.
And this new guy wants to start hanging out in Asbury Park with me more often. I don't mind and I want him to become acclimated with the city a bit more. But from what I've seen with so many people over the past few years, you bring your guy around and you'd better keep an eye on others. Because they just might pounce on him. And it's not like gay men can walk around holding hands, letting all other men in the city know to back off 'cause this guy is taken already.
Oops, is that my ego talking ... or my self-esteem taking a beating?
Don't take me too seriously, good people. It's just my words and words can't hurt, now can they? :)
But some people take it just a bit too far.
I'm a pretty confident fellow, but I know where confidence ends and egomania begins. And I've made some definite moves to make certain I don't lean too far over the fence into "egotistical valley."
Now what I'm about to write relates to all people, but since this blog is focusing on Asbury Park's gay scene, that is who I'm going to reference in the following paragraphs.
It blows my mind that there are some gay men who think that just because you talk to them, flirt with them or toss a little attention their way that you would simply die if they didn't give you a kind word or two in return. Life for me would just end if they didn't talk to me ... or so that's the way a few of them act.
I've held discussions with a certain bartender in the city, and although he's interesting enough, it's not like he's the only conversation in town, so to speak. He's a good-looking fellow, I won't take that away from him. But he's not the cat's meow. And he really doesn't know anything about me, because whenever I'd sat down and hold a discussion with him, it was, pretty much, all about him.
Hey, I'm a good listener, and it's one of my better characteristics - all modesty aside.
But this guy seems a bit too egotistical in his assumption that I would fall all over him just to hear a kind word fall from his lips.
I don't really speak to him anymore, but whenever I do see him around town - more often than not he's two or three drinks past drunk - I just want to say to him, "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
If this particular bartender wasn't enough, there are more of these creatures lurking around the corner.
Another guy is a nice enough fellow, but I think he's trying his hardest to hold onto a past youth and make sure he still has "it". Well, I'll give him his props, too - this guy is good-looking, but he could get some tips from Rachel Zoe or Kenneth Cole in polishing off his choice of style and fashion.
But like I said, he's a good-looking guy and he's kind of sweet. But I've hung out with him a few times in the recent past and every time he sees me, he acts like he hasn't seen me in years and wants me to jump up and down and do cartwheels for him. You know the look - he's a condemned man who's eating his last meal, his request is a steak dinner, and I'm a Porterhouse!
It's kind of cute because he initiates the flirting session ... that is, until he acts aloof and gets awkward when we start to hold a conversation. Truth be told, I flirt a little too much sometimes. But when I speak (okay, subconsciously flirt ... okay maybe consciously) with this guy, he acts shy and retreats like I've just proposed marriage. Well if people don't want others to flirt back, they should not flirt at all.
But I've finally figured this guy out. He likes attention, but thinks he deserves the attention. He's trying to be a player who feigns innocence. He knows exactly what he's doing, and that latent egotism doesn't look cute any longer. I just want to say to him, "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
This particular fellow can steer clear of me from now on. Because if I see him coming in my direction, I'm gonna bust a move in the other direction.
And holy cow ... I love some of the straight guys who hang out in gay establishments. I love it how they feel so comfortable around us "homo-sexicals" (as Shirley Q. Liquor would say ... look her up if you want some hearty laughs). But I've run into one young gentleman who's straight - he must be, 'cause he keeps telling everyone, right ;-) And he just gets a kick out of gay men flirting with him.
We're not flirting with him; we're being friendly! Please, I wish this young gun would get it through his head that gay men are not always trying to pick up straight fellows. Sometimes we just like to be nice to people, and make them feel welcome in our environment. (Wow, "our environment" makes it sound like we live in a village far away from other human beings, huh? I've got to find another way to phrase that!)
But to this particular straight fellow, I just want to give him a little advice ... "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
Now I'm not saying that I am innocent, either. I flirt too much and play coy a little too often.
Right now I'm in a situation where absence of disinterest has led someone to think my feelings are a lot more than friendship. I've told this person that we are friends, but as we've had some relations in the past, I think this fact is lost on him.
And I, myself, am guilty of letting my ego get the better of me and letting things slide way too long. I thought my intentions were evident, but perhaps I have been experiencing my own brand of egomania. But I did clear the air with him, and I shudder to say that I am realizing that he still may not be getting the point. I guess only time will tell, and I'm going to behave myself.
So to myself, I just need to say, "Hold up, slick, and get that ego in check!"
Good news, though. I'm in the beginning stages of a new relationship with a smart, intelligent, successful man who, thank goodness, does not live in the Asbury Park area. I like Asbury Park, don't get me wrong. But sometimes this city seems almost incestuous with people in the gay community playing their own brand of square-dancing with the people in their lives.
And this new guy wants to start hanging out in Asbury Park with me more often. I don't mind and I want him to become acclimated with the city a bit more. But from what I've seen with so many people over the past few years, you bring your guy around and you'd better keep an eye on others. Because they just might pounce on him. And it's not like gay men can walk around holding hands, letting all other men in the city know to back off 'cause this guy is taken already.
Oops, is that my ego talking ... or my self-esteem taking a beating?
Don't take me too seriously, good people. It's just my words and words can't hurt, now can they? :)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Being gay didn't stop mom from loving me
"Wake up all the doctors make the old people well. They're the ones who suffer and who catch all the hell. But they don't have so very long before the Judgment Day. So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away."
Right now my mother is fighting for her life in the hospital from a serious illness. And this particular line from one of my favorite songs, "Wake Up Everybody" by Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes, has consistently been playing in my head.
To be honest, my mother has had to struggle through years of poor health, and when I think of that song, it just makes me cry.
For my mother, it's touch-and-go, and despite the fact that the prognosis isn't so great, it's good to see that our family is rallying around her.
I love my mother, but I don't always get the chance to see her while living such a good distance from her, and not to mention the fact that I'm a workaholic. It's no excuse, so I'm not trying to use it.
But watching my mother lie unconscious in her hospital bed, I can't help but recall the day I told her that not only was I moving to Asbury Park, but I was gay. See, I wrote a novel about a young man being forced to choose between his sexual orientation and his strong desire for a life in the ministry. And I wanted my family to know that our lives would eventually be open for the public to read about - for better or worse. I just knew my mother would blow up and curse me out for writing about our lives, but she didn't at all.
My mother didn't express upset or disappointment, but just the opposite - she said "No matter what, I'll always love you!"
Now that was a bit of a fairytale moment, because some mothers just don't accept their sons' sexual orientation. As I was sitting in my mother's hospital room this afternoon, not knowing what to say to her (the doctors said that although she's not conscious, she could still hear me), one thought kept creeping through my mind.
A really good friend of mine is going through a struggle with his mother, and I really wish his mother would show him unwavering support. He's one of my "Asbury Park boys", and trust - a "sometimes naive, see the world through rose-colored glasses, trust faithfully and sometimes foolishly" type of gay man like myself needs fellow gay men to keep me in line. I consider this person like a brother and I've only run into a handful of gay men in the city who I can legitimately say that about. Two of them who are partners are my "golden girls", one is a bartender at an establishment I frequent, one's a co-worker, and then there's the one who I'm talking about. These people have my back - no matter what. And they all will tell me if I'm doing things foolishly or just going down the wrong path with any of the men in my life.
But I digress ...
My original point - I know sometimes it's difficult for parents and siblings to accept that their loved one is homosexual. But something my mother said to me, I'd wished some other families would express the same sentiment to their gay family members. She said that I'm the same person who she raised and loved; being gay doesn't change that at all.
So I guess sometimes, despite the fact that families don't want to accept the truth, it's not going to stop the truth from coming out. And with one of my "Asbury Park boys", I'm waiting for the day to come that he says to me that his mother has finally realized that he's the same young man who makes her laugh, drives her nuts, loves her unconditionally, and loves life without apology!
I guess I could have said to my unconscious mother in the intensive care unit that I thank her for allowing me to be myself without sticking her nose into all aspects of my life and making things more difficult for me in the long run. My mother and I have had our difficulties over the years, but the one thing she could have been difficult about - her youngest son being gay - she didn't let it faze her.
One thing I want my mother to get the opportunity to do is something I've been able to do myself - forgive. My mother hasn't forgiven my father for things they've gone through in their married life. I want her to have the chance to do that.
For myself, going through this difficult time with my mother's hospitalization has given me the chance to look at my own failed relationships and find forgiveness. I was holding on to a bit of anger over my last relationship's demise, and I just needed to have an opportunity to forgive and forget. Now forgetting will take a little longer, but I finally forgive. I was able to let my ex-boyfriend help me deal with a situation with my mother from the past, so I would not hold onto any feelings of upset. I really never knew he'd be able to help me come to terms with the emotional distance between my mother and myself.
I hope my mother gets the same opportunity ... and actually takes the opportunity to make peace with my father.
My mother deserves that chance to find forgiveness in her heart.
It makes things a lot easier.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The good, the bad and the ugly!
Not for nothing, but I think on Monday I actually was privy to the good, the bad and the ugly.
I feel slightly scandalous thinking it, but nevertheless, it's true.
I was at one of my favorite bars in Asbury Park, Georgie's, and it was a bit of a crazy night.
I'd just had dinner over at my own, personal "golden girls", and I decided to stop by the bar to unwind, so to speak. Unwinding for me is a martini, a song for karaoke, and possibly a cute guy paying some attention to little 'ol me.
Well I got all of that, and more ... or less.
First I'll start with the good.
It's a really good thing that Georgie's has reopened their kitchen (with a new chef) and is serving food. It's sort of a blessing for someone "blessed" with my hectic schedule. Some nights my busy schedule never afforded me a place to eat a meal prior to having my first martini. By the time I usually got a chance to eat, all the decent food spots had closed, and I had to drink on an empty stomach (I know, I know; you should never drink without eating first. That's what my mother always told me).
Now I can feel at ease having my much-needed martini, and still having the opportunity to eat some food, too! So good job, Georgie's!
Now I'll detail the bad.
Well, it's not all that bad, but for a gay man (or this gay man), when someone wears the same shirt as you, it's a tough blow. Yes, I'm shallow when it comes to my clothing. I don't like to see other people wearing the same clothing as me, and let alone a close-knit bar where you can't really go to a spot where that person won't eventually end up also.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't feel comfortable because I wasn't "standing out" in the crowd. Well, I was standing out in the crowd, but not necessarily in a good way! Geez, it looked like I had my twin brother of another color standing right across the bar!
Yes, it was a little funny ... Hell, it was hilarious, I must admit. But I'll get some therapy for my neurosis over that head-trip of mine - not wanting anyone to wear the same clothes as me. Well, at least - in my eyes - I wore it better!
Now for the ugly.
It wasn't really ugly, but it sure came close!
Now I don't mind a guy hitting on me. In fact, I relish it usually.
But in this particular case, it really got on my last nerve! This guy (who was also drinking a martini or four) started clinging to me. I tried to just go with the flow and be kind. He wasn't my type at all. An aside: I don't have a type at all, but I still know this guy wasn't even in the ballpark.
But he kept trying to make his moves, and since I didn't want to be rude, I just let him hang out with me. A lesson I learned, especially from this encounter, is that you should definitely cut off a potential suitor if you truly feel that the suitor has no potential! I'll know better from now on.
So after I went outside for a minute to figure out if I wanted to stay or go, the guy came outside and sat right next to me, put his arm around me and said something so offbeat, I couldn't contain my disdain.
"If you don't pay more attention to me, I'm gonna go over to that guy and start talking to him," are the words that dripped out of this fool's mouth!
So the gentleman in me literally jumped out the window, and after dealing with him pestering me for the hour prior, I decided to let him have it.
So my response to him was, "You've got two legs and a mouth, so you'd better get to steppin' over to him, 'cause I'm about 55 minutes past being tired of you!" Of course, I said it with a smile, just so he wouldn't think I was a total jerk.
BUT IT FELT SO GOOD TO SAY IT!!
He immediately tried to backpedal and say he was kidding and he didn't want to stop talking to me. But I didn't let him off the hook, and took the opportunity to escape.
Too subtle???
See, this is the stuff I have to put up with ... and all I wanted was a martini! But that martini I had after I gave that guy the 'ol heave-ho was the best damn martini I'd had in a long time!
That is ... until tonight. :)
I feel slightly scandalous thinking it, but nevertheless, it's true.
I was at one of my favorite bars in Asbury Park, Georgie's, and it was a bit of a crazy night.
I'd just had dinner over at my own, personal "golden girls", and I decided to stop by the bar to unwind, so to speak. Unwinding for me is a martini, a song for karaoke, and possibly a cute guy paying some attention to little 'ol me.
Well I got all of that, and more ... or less.
First I'll start with the good.
It's a really good thing that Georgie's has reopened their kitchen (with a new chef) and is serving food. It's sort of a blessing for someone "blessed" with my hectic schedule. Some nights my busy schedule never afforded me a place to eat a meal prior to having my first martini. By the time I usually got a chance to eat, all the decent food spots had closed, and I had to drink on an empty stomach (I know, I know; you should never drink without eating first. That's what my mother always told me).
Now I can feel at ease having my much-needed martini, and still having the opportunity to eat some food, too! So good job, Georgie's!
Now I'll detail the bad.
Well, it's not all that bad, but for a gay man (or this gay man), when someone wears the same shirt as you, it's a tough blow. Yes, I'm shallow when it comes to my clothing. I don't like to see other people wearing the same clothing as me, and let alone a close-knit bar where you can't really go to a spot where that person won't eventually end up also.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't feel comfortable because I wasn't "standing out" in the crowd. Well, I was standing out in the crowd, but not necessarily in a good way! Geez, it looked like I had my twin brother of another color standing right across the bar!
Yes, it was a little funny ... Hell, it was hilarious, I must admit. But I'll get some therapy for my neurosis over that head-trip of mine - not wanting anyone to wear the same clothes as me. Well, at least - in my eyes - I wore it better!
Now for the ugly.
It wasn't really ugly, but it sure came close!
Now I don't mind a guy hitting on me. In fact, I relish it usually.
But in this particular case, it really got on my last nerve! This guy (who was also drinking a martini or four) started clinging to me. I tried to just go with the flow and be kind. He wasn't my type at all. An aside: I don't have a type at all, but I still know this guy wasn't even in the ballpark.
But he kept trying to make his moves, and since I didn't want to be rude, I just let him hang out with me. A lesson I learned, especially from this encounter, is that you should definitely cut off a potential suitor if you truly feel that the suitor has no potential! I'll know better from now on.
So after I went outside for a minute to figure out if I wanted to stay or go, the guy came outside and sat right next to me, put his arm around me and said something so offbeat, I couldn't contain my disdain.
"If you don't pay more attention to me, I'm gonna go over to that guy and start talking to him," are the words that dripped out of this fool's mouth!
So the gentleman in me literally jumped out the window, and after dealing with him pestering me for the hour prior, I decided to let him have it.
So my response to him was, "You've got two legs and a mouth, so you'd better get to steppin' over to him, 'cause I'm about 55 minutes past being tired of you!" Of course, I said it with a smile, just so he wouldn't think I was a total jerk.
BUT IT FELT SO GOOD TO SAY IT!!
He immediately tried to backpedal and say he was kidding and he didn't want to stop talking to me. But I didn't let him off the hook, and took the opportunity to escape.
Too subtle???
See, this is the stuff I have to put up with ... and all I wanted was a martini! But that martini I had after I gave that guy the 'ol heave-ho was the best damn martini I'd had in a long time!
That is ... until tonight. :)
Saturday, September 11, 2010
You always get as much as you give
Tonight is the Mayors Ball in Asbury Park.
I think everyone who is lucky enough to attend this event is beaming. I think it's probably one of the biggest events of the year.
But, of course, I'm Cinderella ... not able to go to the Ball.
It wasn't for lack of trying, though. I did try to get a ticket; after all, this is not only a fancy, show-what-you've-got event - it's probably one of the biggest events where the gay community can come together (as a non-gay event) and dance and be happy. Really, who at this event would stop any of us from showing love and feel comfortable dancing with your same-sex significant other in a fancy, dressed-up affair.
After all, the host of the Ball - the mayor - is openly gay himself. It's a positive thing; this was one of the reasons why I wanted to attend this affair so desperately.
But, alas, all the tickets were sold out. And there were none available; the place was filled up.
Of course, I did just discover that a friend of mine scored a ticket or two. But then, I guess it's all about the connection. I can't really hate; I just don't have it like that, I guess - not just yet! But Cinderella's time will come.
I think I really wanted to go because I just needed to feel, well, like I was special. Right now, I don't really feel extremely "special" in my gay surroundings.
Don't get me wrong - I know I feel love from my fellow comrades. Some of them just don't really know me or what I'm all about. Most do always see me out and about in the city. They see me dancing up a storm at Club Paradise; singing karaoke like a crazy fool at Georgie's; making the rounds at Swell; and sipping a martini and eating my steak dinner at The Harrison. In addition, you'll catch me eating a really great meal at Bistro Ole sometimes, or stopping in Tides Hotel for a mojito or martini as well. Or enjoying good conversation with the staff - and a great-tasting calamari dish - at Munch (owner Ken does a great take on calamari, it's the best - in my opinion).
So when I say "special", I'm not saying that I feel invisible or obsolete. That's not it at all! You'll always see me around the city somewhere, and usually laughing infectiously and smiling like a Cheshire cat.
I have my best friends in the gay community, and also those who have taken the time to get to know the"real Eric". I love them and would never trade any of them (and they know who they are).
But a big part of people not knowing the "real Eric" is probably my own fault. When I'm out, I'll usually just mind my own business and sit back and examine the scene before loosening up and showing people I do indulge in great conversation. And once they discover this, it's golden for everyone involved.
So for some reason, it would've been great to go to this Ball. Because I just needed to dress up in fancy clothes and strut my stuff. But I guess I'll just have to read about it after the fact.
I need to start giving as much as I want to get, I guess, because in turn, you always get as much as you give!
But I've found that people assume I want more than they do out of a relationship. And okay, dressing up and attending a fancy function with a special gentleman on my arm is exactly what I want! A few guys in the very recent past assumed I wanted more than they did - just because I wanted to hold a conversation with them and not just kiss constantly and make out. Don't get me wrong - I don't mind that at all; but I do like to talk as well. So could you imagine going to a fancy Ball with one of them?? I could just imagine their impending panic attack and scuff marks on my hardwood floor as they retreated and darted out my front door, never to return!
I don't need a boyfriend or partner. I just want someone who I can attend a gala with, who I can go to the movies with, who I can sit down with and have an intelligent conversation over dinner at my favorite restaurant, and who I can be intimate with as well ... but we don't need to call it a boyfriend, significant other or partner.
Maybe I just don't like labels. But I want it to be open relations where the guy in my life can enjoy the company of other guys, because I am very driven in my career and other interests and things I like to do on my own.
Boy, how did I get from feeling like Cinderella not invited to the Ball, to feeling like Superfly who wants all the guys in the city to fall into his web? :)
But I digress.
What I'm saying, I guess in a long-winded way, is if you are going to the Ball tonight, have a dance in honor of Cinderella!
I think everyone who is lucky enough to attend this event is beaming. I think it's probably one of the biggest events of the year.
But, of course, I'm Cinderella ... not able to go to the Ball.
It wasn't for lack of trying, though. I did try to get a ticket; after all, this is not only a fancy, show-what-you've-got event - it's probably one of the biggest events where the gay community can come together (as a non-gay event) and dance and be happy. Really, who at this event would stop any of us from showing love and feel comfortable dancing with your same-sex significant other in a fancy, dressed-up affair.
After all, the host of the Ball - the mayor - is openly gay himself. It's a positive thing; this was one of the reasons why I wanted to attend this affair so desperately.
But, alas, all the tickets were sold out. And there were none available; the place was filled up.
Of course, I did just discover that a friend of mine scored a ticket or two. But then, I guess it's all about the connection. I can't really hate; I just don't have it like that, I guess - not just yet! But Cinderella's time will come.
I think I really wanted to go because I just needed to feel, well, like I was special. Right now, I don't really feel extremely "special" in my gay surroundings.
Don't get me wrong - I know I feel love from my fellow comrades. Some of them just don't really know me or what I'm all about. Most do always see me out and about in the city. They see me dancing up a storm at Club Paradise; singing karaoke like a crazy fool at Georgie's; making the rounds at Swell; and sipping a martini and eating my steak dinner at The Harrison. In addition, you'll catch me eating a really great meal at Bistro Ole sometimes, or stopping in Tides Hotel for a mojito or martini as well. Or enjoying good conversation with the staff - and a great-tasting calamari dish - at Munch (owner Ken does a great take on calamari, it's the best - in my opinion).
So when I say "special", I'm not saying that I feel invisible or obsolete. That's not it at all! You'll always see me around the city somewhere, and usually laughing infectiously and smiling like a Cheshire cat.
I have my best friends in the gay community, and also those who have taken the time to get to know the"real Eric". I love them and would never trade any of them (and they know who they are).
But a big part of people not knowing the "real Eric" is probably my own fault. When I'm out, I'll usually just mind my own business and sit back and examine the scene before loosening up and showing people I do indulge in great conversation. And once they discover this, it's golden for everyone involved.
So for some reason, it would've been great to go to this Ball. Because I just needed to dress up in fancy clothes and strut my stuff. But I guess I'll just have to read about it after the fact.
I need to start giving as much as I want to get, I guess, because in turn, you always get as much as you give!
But I've found that people assume I want more than they do out of a relationship. And okay, dressing up and attending a fancy function with a special gentleman on my arm is exactly what I want! A few guys in the very recent past assumed I wanted more than they did - just because I wanted to hold a conversation with them and not just kiss constantly and make out. Don't get me wrong - I don't mind that at all; but I do like to talk as well. So could you imagine going to a fancy Ball with one of them?? I could just imagine their impending panic attack and scuff marks on my hardwood floor as they retreated and darted out my front door, never to return!
I don't need a boyfriend or partner. I just want someone who I can attend a gala with, who I can go to the movies with, who I can sit down with and have an intelligent conversation over dinner at my favorite restaurant, and who I can be intimate with as well ... but we don't need to call it a boyfriend, significant other or partner.
Maybe I just don't like labels. But I want it to be open relations where the guy in my life can enjoy the company of other guys, because I am very driven in my career and other interests and things I like to do on my own.
Boy, how did I get from feeling like Cinderella not invited to the Ball, to feeling like Superfly who wants all the guys in the city to fall into his web? :)
But I digress.
What I'm saying, I guess in a long-winded way, is if you are going to the Ball tonight, have a dance in honor of Cinderella!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Hello gay Asbury Park! I'm here!
I'm not sure how my new blog will go over within Asbury Park's gay community. But some things just need to be addressed, and I guess this is as good a place as any.
Yes, this is my first entry in my new blog. And although I've probably lived in Asbury Park less time than a lot of the other gay community members. But in the short number of years that I've lived here, I've discovered a lot about this city.
For a good number of people, it's probably a "shocker" that I'm part of the gay community. But up until recently, I think it's become pretty clear to a lot of the people who were oblivious that I'm part of the gay community.
I'm fine that people know my sexual orientation now. I've never actually been secretive about it; but then again, I've never flashed it like a huge neon light, either.
But living my life in the gay scene of Asbury Park, I've found that some people are true blue, some are phony, and then some are just trying to play the game. It's that way in every community.
I've been trying to play the game as best I can, but I have to admit - I don't really have the stomach to tolerate it. Some gay men are, for the most part, are just after one thing. I'm more than that, so it's been difficult to merge myself in to that situation. But trust me ... I've tried my best.
Now this is going to sound conceited, but it's not meant to be ...
People do respect me, I'm happy about that. But when most gay men see me, they think the obvious - good looking guy, gay, pretty decent body and who cares if he's smart ... I just want to have sex with him.
But I think people are surprised to find out that I'm more than just a body; I have a mind.
And I think some men are disappointed to discover I'm a smart, gay black man.
Okay, enough about that stuff.
I want to make a mark in this community; I want people to look at me with respect.
I've made some great friends in the gay world. Two of my close friends who I spend a predominant amount of time with are partnered, but they always make me feel like I'm their brother. And that makes me happy. I've made good friends with a lot of people in the LGBTQ community. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Trust me ... I'll discuss these people in my life a lot more in following blog posts. Trust me.
But for now, I just wanted to introduce myself and give a rundown on what the gay community is like.
Just like most everyone else, I've experienced heartache and sorrow from a relationship or two with men in my life. (I'll go into more detail later)
I've witnessed some crazy stuff over the years here in Asbury Park's gay community ...
Gay community members bitch-slapping one another;
Gay community members tossing drinks in one anothers' faces;
Gay community members deliberately hurting each other;
Gay community members hating and disparaging one another.
I'm not sure why, but I'm hoping that I can find out why this all happens within a community that is supposed to be so very unified and loving to one another.
DON'T GET ME WRONG ... A lot of members of the gay community do act civilized and loving to one another, and I totally love to see, well, "the love".
But the ones who act the fool - they know who they are.
But for better or worse, hello gay Asbury Park! I'm here!
Yes, this is my first entry in my new blog. And although I've probably lived in Asbury Park less time than a lot of the other gay community members. But in the short number of years that I've lived here, I've discovered a lot about this city.
For a good number of people, it's probably a "shocker" that I'm part of the gay community. But up until recently, I think it's become pretty clear to a lot of the people who were oblivious that I'm part of the gay community.
I'm fine that people know my sexual orientation now. I've never actually been secretive about it; but then again, I've never flashed it like a huge neon light, either.
But living my life in the gay scene of Asbury Park, I've found that some people are true blue, some are phony, and then some are just trying to play the game. It's that way in every community.
I've been trying to play the game as best I can, but I have to admit - I don't really have the stomach to tolerate it. Some gay men are, for the most part, are just after one thing. I'm more than that, so it's been difficult to merge myself in to that situation. But trust me ... I've tried my best.
Now this is going to sound conceited, but it's not meant to be ...
People do respect me, I'm happy about that. But when most gay men see me, they think the obvious - good looking guy, gay, pretty decent body and who cares if he's smart ... I just want to have sex with him.
But I think people are surprised to find out that I'm more than just a body; I have a mind.
And I think some men are disappointed to discover I'm a smart, gay black man.
Okay, enough about that stuff.
I want to make a mark in this community; I want people to look at me with respect.
I've made some great friends in the gay world. Two of my close friends who I spend a predominant amount of time with are partnered, but they always make me feel like I'm their brother. And that makes me happy. I've made good friends with a lot of people in the LGBTQ community. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Trust me ... I'll discuss these people in my life a lot more in following blog posts. Trust me.
But for now, I just wanted to introduce myself and give a rundown on what the gay community is like.
Just like most everyone else, I've experienced heartache and sorrow from a relationship or two with men in my life. (I'll go into more detail later)
I've witnessed some crazy stuff over the years here in Asbury Park's gay community ...
Gay community members bitch-slapping one another;
Gay community members tossing drinks in one anothers' faces;
Gay community members deliberately hurting each other;
Gay community members hating and disparaging one another.
I'm not sure why, but I'm hoping that I can find out why this all happens within a community that is supposed to be so very unified and loving to one another.
DON'T GET ME WRONG ... A lot of members of the gay community do act civilized and loving to one another, and I totally love to see, well, "the love".
But the ones who act the fool - they know who they are.
But for better or worse, hello gay Asbury Park! I'm here!
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