It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted a blog. As you know from my past recent blogs, my mother passed away in October, and the last blog I wrote was the one I posted the night before her funeral, "I'll always love my momma 'cause she's my favorite girl".
Since her death, things have been very hard. I'm so glad that my friends - and even my acquaintances - have been there for me. Their support and unconditional love has made things a bit easier.
It's difficult to get back to normal after dealing with such a major loss. To be honest, I've been working overtime to just get back to normal and make sure the many people in my life don't feel like I'm still so fragile.
But I am still very fragile. I've been trying my best to make sure those closest to me feel like I'm okay because I need them to not feel awkward around me, like I'm going to collapse into tears. Well the tears have come less often over the past couple of weeks. So I'm hopeful that means I'm getting back to normal.
My guy Andrew has been a rock for me while I've been going through this difficult time. He's shown me that he is there for me - unconditionally - and will stand by me no matter what I'm going through. I've always felt like I had to be the strong one, but being with Andrew has taught me that I can be the weaker one.
In my previous relationships, I always felt like I had to be the strong one, the one who had to always uplift them to a higher level and be the breadwinner. It made me feel like I was no longer their equal partner, but instead their parent. And that just was not a good thing at all!
But Andrew - he's the real deal. It feels like I've been preparing for him during these past few years since I've come out, for finding him and getting myself ready to be the man he needs me to be. I'm also feeling a bit more confident in showing him my vulnerable, somewhat cautious nature. I know that I no longer need to wear that mask, the one people sometimes keep on themselves until they feel like the other person is not going to run for the hills when they see you aren't "perfect".
I'm so glad Andrew has been there for me as my rock.
Now that I've given praise to all who've been there for me these past few weeks, I must get into something that I've been avoiding talking about because I didn't want to feel like I'm insensitive. One person who has been there for me as well as all my other friends has been someone who I used to be involved with. I'm glad he's been there for me as of late - as my friend. I never wanted anything more than that, especially since I've moved on with another man. I'd made that very clear, and we didn't have the best relationship.
But I guess people cannot control their emotions sometimes, and feelings just happen when you least expect it. My feelings were clear - I just wanted to keep a friendship alive; nothing more.
I thought everything was fine and all of our cards were on the table. But then again, gay men are a different breed, I suppose.
And this little nugget of information reared its ugly head at the most inopportune moment - a Halloween party.
My friends were throwing their annual party, and although I felt a bit apprehensive about having a fun time (I felt like I was being disrespectful to my mother for having a fun time - I've felt that way, internally - a lot these past weeks), but I decided to dress up and have some fun. I dressed up as Venus Williams.
An aside ... I don't really make the most attractive woman! Ha! Ha!
So dealing with my inner feelings of guilt about having fun, I tried to put that out of my mind and just have the best time possible. Well as the night progressed, and it got a little later, a young man who has been interested - in some way, shape or form - in my ex-boyfriend decided to give me an earful about "how things have really been since my mother died." This conversation did not make me feel very good, especially since this young man was alluding that my mother's death had made my ex-boyfriend treat this young man like crap.
He let me know that my ex was throwing this young man aside because, as he put it, "you needed him and he just couldn't let you go, and he's not going to stop trying to get you back because he said he's the only person who has been there for you, and you can't handle life without him"!
(Insert a shocked look on my face and a shuddering gasp! here)
This young man, it appears, was blaming my mother's death for his losing my ex. I was totally floored. And even though I kept telling this "kid" that I have moved on and I have no interest at all in my ex, he just kept getting on my nerves about it. Not only that, but he was telling me things my ex told him about my relationship with my mother that only my ex could have told him.
At first I was just trying to be gracious and cordial by even tolerating this young man, who clearly had serious issues himself.
Then my gracious nature was morphing into sadness because just the thought that my ex was using my mother's death as a scapegoat to unload this young man, who my ex knew was heading to my friends' Halloween bash to crash it, was desperate and unfortunate. My ex had to have known that this young man would eventually confront me about being pushed aside.
Then my sadness quickly turned to anger, and I just had to leave the festivities before I exploded.
To top it off, this young man had the audacity to call me a few days later and ask me out for a drink. I told him that I was not interested, obviously, because as I told him over and over again during the party, I was totally involved and happy with my guy, Andrew. Get a clue!!
I have the unsettling feeling that this young man is still clueless, but I'm very hopeful that he got the point - finally!
I think I've also learned my lesson in accepting some individuals' human kindness. Because it's so obvious to me now that, sometimes, the milk of human kindness can get pretty sour.
So this is why I'm really looking forward to getting away from Asbury Park - at least for this weekend - and spending it in Manhattan with a sweet soul like Andrew. He is so far removed from drama, and right now, there is a little too much drama in Asbury Park - at least too much drama for me!
To end on a good note: I thank, cherish, love and appreciate all of those people in my life who have helped me survive such a difficult time. And that means all of you! :)
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