Right now I'm sitting at home, listening to the '80s channel on MusicChoice.
I normally would be running out my front door, making a mad dash for my truck so I could make it to work on time. But I don't need to do that today. Or for that matter, any day in the near future.
I never thought it would ever happen to me, but the long arm of the unemployment fairy clubbered me over the head. I was one of a few dozen employees at my job to be cut down by the awful recession.
Me, of all people.
I say that, not because I think I deserved to stay and others deserved to get the 'ol heave-ho before me. I would never say that - out loud. No, I know losing my job had nothing to do with my work performance or skills. Hell, I worked over 60 hours on my job every week. It was just the person I am. For some reason, my obsessive compulsion nature (a well hidden secret - or so I hope) put myself in the mind frame that if I worked my 40 hours weekly, I was cheating myself out of something. I know it's weird, and I never really wanted people to know that I do have that obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't even think my best friends in my life know that about me. Well, my best friend for almost 30 years knows this about me, and likely my sister (whom I consider one of my best friends) knows it, too. I've tried to never discuss it; I think it's one of the most embarrassing things about me. And those who know me are aware that I like to put on a good impression and appearance.
So right now, slowly all of those obsessive compulsive idiosyncracies of mine are, little by little, resurfacing. When I was working 60-plus hours a week, it was easy to disguise these qualities in me. But as I've gone from working 60-plus hours a week to zero, it's very difficult to keep those traits at bay. I'm trying my best, but as one of those traits for me is never being able to sleep, that is the most important issue to correct. I haven't slept in a few days, but I've always only needed to sleep 3 or 4 hours a day anyway. I'm not worried yet - I think.
I guess the truth is that I also feel guilty, a feeling I haven't felt in a little while. See, I worked like a hounddog for years, also trying to work at least 12 hours a day. If I left before 12 hours, I felt like I was cheating myself. So even when my mother was sick, I would work my ass off to forget all the craziness, because when I was working incessantly, I knew I was in control of my fate.
So now I have to realize that as I worked so long and hard, and as my mother got worse and worse, I could find solace in the fact that work was so important and even though my mother didn't like the fact that I was a workaholic like my father, she appreciated my drive. And as I know that she never blamed me for being a workaholic, I am very upset that my workaholic nature, which kept me from being with my mother when she needed me the most in her life (during her illnesses), really was for naught. The reason - no matter how much I worked on advancing my career and giving 200 percent to my job, in the blink of an eye I was cut from my job.
So now I don't have a job, and this time, which I would have loved to spend being there for my mom right now, isn't even important because my mother is gone. Boy, timing sucks sometimes.
I can't help but wonder why I'm in this position. As I recall, the famous saying is that when a door closes a window opens. But why are there bars on my windows? So the door has closed, the windows are opened. But I'm locked inside. I don't really feel too much like going outside. I mean, why go outside? I know it will make me feel better, at least that's what I've been told. But I just don't believe it, because when I've gone ouside as of late, it just feels blah.
Don't get it twisted ... I am not feeling sorry for myself, that's just not me. But I am feeling a tornado of feelings, and I'm not sure what they are and how to stop them from overflooding me.
Time, I know, time will change things. Lord, I hope time will make me feel better. I'm confident it will, and I'll keep telling myself that.
I know one thing is a definite ... all crazy, drama-filled guys who think I'm an easy target right now - beware! I know I enjoy the company of gentlemen, but rest assured (and be forewarned) that I am in no mood to put up with any crap from any of you.
So don't try to get to me with anything less than a sincere, honest approach. And don't venture into my fortress unless you are indeed a prince. Because just as always, toads will get squashed.
I've cleansed myself of all the toads in my life. And to make it a done deal, I've gone through my cell phone and black book, and have erased your numbers from both.
So for the stalker who keeps trying to contact me every time you run into me out around town, don't call me again.
For the guy who dresses like he's a throwback from the '80s, don't call me again.
For the couple of wishy-washy guys who try to ingratiate themselves into my life by using the "poor, pitiful me" routine and think I'm going to fall all over you in a flawed attempt to "save you from yourself", leave me alone.
And for all of the jerks who make every attempt to fool me with kind words, a genuine nature, sex appeal and winning smile, I can see right through you now. The few of you know who you are, and I'm no longer impressed.
I'm vulnerable, but I know that I am only going to date the guy who comes to me with an open mind, open heart and who I won't have to open my wallet to make him happy. He's out there, I know it. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I still know it's not hopeless.
So man of my dreams (or at least man who's not my nightmare), break down those bars on the window and come through. There is a key though, but I'll only let you have it if you're worth possessing it.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them
I was speaking to a couple of friends about the movie "Mean Girls" and we just starting laughing.
We weren't laughing about the movie, per say, but we were laughing about the fact that in Asbury Park there's a gay man or two who could actually be mistaken for the character in the movie named Regina George. Now if you haven't seen the movie, Regina George is a real bitch and tries to make others feel less-than while in her presence. She also has put together a "Burn Book", where she does a lot of trash talking about people who really have no idea they are in it. A true bitch! In fact, I guess you could actually compare that character to Christie Masters, the bitch character in the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion". But Regina George fits the description a lot better.
This gay man, it's obvious that I don't even need to say his name because everyone in Asbury Park knows who this person is. He's a good guy, but can be a real bitch who needs to feel superior to other people for what reason, I have no idea.
But the funny thing is that in the gay community, there are a lot of distinctive characteristics we fall into. A few of the gay men in the community are Regina Georges, but there's a lot more categories.
Now in my case, I fall into the category of butch. Guys like me who are butch are extremely "straight-acting" men who just happen to be gay. There's a lot of gay men in the community like me. Some of us like to go out with other "straight-acting" guys because we have a lot in common with them. But some of us like to date men who fall into other categories.
One of those categories would be queens. Now the gay men who are considered queens are the ones who, as it was said back in the day, have a lot of sugar in their tank. I really didn't know what that meant before, but I know what it means now. Queens are the guys who are effeminate and seem very flamboyant, ones who seem like they could just fly away. They are closer to feminine than anything else. Sometimes you just love to be around them; at times, though, their flamboyant nature can be a bit too much.
Bears, another category in the gay community, are just so sweet-natured and lovable. Bears are men who are a bit heavier in weight, and mostly hairy. They exude a hell of a lot of confidence in themselves and their weight, and they make their weight and hairyness something to be proud of. Also part of the bear community would be the cubs. Now cubs are simply young bears. Cubs have all the physical and mental attributes of a bear, they just aren't old enough to be a full-fledged bear. Also related to these are otters, who are slimmer and less hairy bear-admirers, and wolves are bears that are typically more aggressive and overtly masculine.
Twinks are those guys in the community who are young and free, so to speak. When I say free, I just mean that they seem like they have not a care in the world. Most times, twinks do have a lot of worries, but they seem to mask it well. But they are very young in age and carefree in their nature. These guys have such a youthful exuberance about life.
Now Broadway boys are just so special, in my opinion. They usually frequent piano bars and break out in song to the tunes of "Hello Dolly" or "Suddenly Seymour". They can sometimes be a little queeny, but for the most part, they just like to sing Broadway tunes and be a bit flamboyant about it. I just love them!
Angels are just goody-goody guys who make the gay life seem easy. They like to be the do-gooders who give their time and efforts back to the community. They'll volunteer their time to the cause, just to make things easier for others.
The troubled are just that - troubled. They like to see the negative side of being gay, and they like to make others see that side as well. Sometimes these people are too much to take, and their odd anger at being gay is just too much to take. They are troubled souls, and no matter how disappointing their lives seem to be, others can't help but want to make them see the more positive sides of being gay. And to their detriment, troubled souls love the attention. They feed off of it.
Now these definitions that I've supplied are in my opinions only. There are a lot of other categories, but for the most part, these represent the gay male community. Sometimes the categories merge - in that case, for example, a butch gay man can also be a Broadway boy. I'm that way at times, and hell, I just love it when I get that way.
So, my fellow gay men, which category do you fall into? I know some people don't like labels, but all of us can lump ourselves into one of these groups.
We weren't laughing about the movie, per say, but we were laughing about the fact that in Asbury Park there's a gay man or two who could actually be mistaken for the character in the movie named Regina George. Now if you haven't seen the movie, Regina George is a real bitch and tries to make others feel less-than while in her presence. She also has put together a "Burn Book", where she does a lot of trash talking about people who really have no idea they are in it. A true bitch! In fact, I guess you could actually compare that character to Christie Masters, the bitch character in the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion". But Regina George fits the description a lot better.
This gay man, it's obvious that I don't even need to say his name because everyone in Asbury Park knows who this person is. He's a good guy, but can be a real bitch who needs to feel superior to other people for what reason, I have no idea.
But the funny thing is that in the gay community, there are a lot of distinctive characteristics we fall into. A few of the gay men in the community are Regina Georges, but there's a lot more categories.
Now in my case, I fall into the category of butch. Guys like me who are butch are extremely "straight-acting" men who just happen to be gay. There's a lot of gay men in the community like me. Some of us like to go out with other "straight-acting" guys because we have a lot in common with them. But some of us like to date men who fall into other categories.
One of those categories would be queens. Now the gay men who are considered queens are the ones who, as it was said back in the day, have a lot of sugar in their tank. I really didn't know what that meant before, but I know what it means now. Queens are the guys who are effeminate and seem very flamboyant, ones who seem like they could just fly away. They are closer to feminine than anything else. Sometimes you just love to be around them; at times, though, their flamboyant nature can be a bit too much.
Bears, another category in the gay community, are just so sweet-natured and lovable. Bears are men who are a bit heavier in weight, and mostly hairy. They exude a hell of a lot of confidence in themselves and their weight, and they make their weight and hairyness something to be proud of. Also part of the bear community would be the cubs. Now cubs are simply young bears. Cubs have all the physical and mental attributes of a bear, they just aren't old enough to be a full-fledged bear. Also related to these are otters, who are slimmer and less hairy bear-admirers, and wolves are bears that are typically more aggressive and overtly masculine.
Twinks are those guys in the community who are young and free, so to speak. When I say free, I just mean that they seem like they have not a care in the world. Most times, twinks do have a lot of worries, but they seem to mask it well. But they are very young in age and carefree in their nature. These guys have such a youthful exuberance about life.
Now Broadway boys are just so special, in my opinion. They usually frequent piano bars and break out in song to the tunes of "Hello Dolly" or "Suddenly Seymour". They can sometimes be a little queeny, but for the most part, they just like to sing Broadway tunes and be a bit flamboyant about it. I just love them!
Angels are just goody-goody guys who make the gay life seem easy. They like to be the do-gooders who give their time and efforts back to the community. They'll volunteer their time to the cause, just to make things easier for others.
The troubled are just that - troubled. They like to see the negative side of being gay, and they like to make others see that side as well. Sometimes these people are too much to take, and their odd anger at being gay is just too much to take. They are troubled souls, and no matter how disappointing their lives seem to be, others can't help but want to make them see the more positive sides of being gay. And to their detriment, troubled souls love the attention. They feed off of it.
Now these definitions that I've supplied are in my opinions only. There are a lot of other categories, but for the most part, these represent the gay male community. Sometimes the categories merge - in that case, for example, a butch gay man can also be a Broadway boy. I'm that way at times, and hell, I just love it when I get that way.
So, my fellow gay men, which category do you fall into? I know some people don't like labels, but all of us can lump ourselves into one of these groups.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Take the mask off ... it's really okay to show your vulnerable side
Well another PRIDE weekend has come and gone. And this one was different than the other ones I've experienced in Asbury Park.
The reason: I've finally realized that it is okay to take my mask off and show my vulnerability. I've been feeling like I should not show my vulnerable side because men who I'm interested in will take it for granted.
I don't care if they can't handle that characteristic in me ... no longer will I care. I have to be myself, and not care what the guy thinks of me. Hell, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and this old dog ain't gonna learn any new tricks.
I think I've been going about things all wrong in my pursuit of a relationship. I've been trying to change myself to mold into a caricature of what will please that guy and not being true to myself. And it struck me as weird that I never realized that even though I do control my own destiny, there is no need at all to settle for something less-than in any relationship. I've been settling, and that crap stops right now.
And I've realized other men may be doing the same thing. My advice to them would be to take themselves off the clearance rack, stop marking their self-worth down to a lower price range, and put themselves behind the glass case. When someone wants to choose them - the item in the glass case - they will know they are not picking you off the clearance rack.
Yesterday while enjoying my PRIDE weekend I encountered three different men. One man, I've been fooling around with behind closed doors. I've developed feelings for him, despite all efforts to avoid it. I'm not in love with him or anything like that. I've just begun to feel some feelings for him.
I ran into him while enjoying the festivities, and he seemed to be apprehensive when we spoke. We only spoke briefly, but in that short minute it hit me. I realized that although I have begun to have some type of feelings for this gentleman, I knew - in that brief minute - that he has other obligations in his life and there is no future at all for me in his life ... other than a fling. That's how he sees me, and I know now that in his life, there is no room for anything but a casual dalliance.
When I left him, I kissed him. And in that kiss, I knew it had to be goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss. It's sad when reality slaps you in the face, but to be honest we were, as Air Supply sings, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". And I deserve a hell of a lot more. Especially since I know that if my mama were alive, she'd slap me silly for ever settling for second best.
The second man I ran into yesterday is a good friend of mine. He's an enigma of sorts. He's sexy, in a downplayed sort of way. He always makes me laugh ... the type of guy who everyone loves to be around. But while speaking to him, I realized that even though he's a sweet-natured guy who has a big heart, he doesn't want anyone to know it. He's comfortable with people thinking he's a cad, a guy who just wants people to think he has no feelings at all. But when you look in this man's eyes, you can see into his soul. There is so much more to this man than meets the eye. But he has this mask, of sorts, that hides his inner-self from being exposed.
I really wish he'd open himself up and let people see the true man that he is. But that's the way it is for a lot of gay men. I told him it's okay to show his vulnerable side, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I hope he figures out what I've come to learn. I've learned that it's okay to take the mask off, and it's really okay to show your vulnerable side.
My PRIDE weekend ended with, perhaps, the saddest encounter with a guy. This young man has a lot to offer people. But sadly he has no idea of his self-worth. It's unfortunate because he knows that he thinks he has to buy friendship in this city. He knows it, and even admitted it to me. I found this all too unsettling.
I wanted to hug this young man and just try to make him understand that there is no reason to do that. So as I spoke these words to him, he just would not believe it. He told me that even though he does feel like he needs to buy people respect, admiration and friendship, he knows that people don't like him because he has nothing to offer people other than becoming a dollar sign and buying friends.
This young man just wants to make friends - that's all. I told him that he'll find his patch of golden girls ... I did, and thank my lucky stars every day that my golden girls are in my life.
Alas, he didn't believe me. I fear for this young man, because he's at a vulnerable stage in his gay life. He even said to me that if he just up and died, people wouldn't even notice he was gone. This breaks my heart, especially since he said his parents don't even talk to him anymore because he's gay.
I never mention people in my blog by name ... that's my policy, and this is no exception. I wish that I could reveal this guy's name, because I think that people would show him how much they care about him - as a person, not as a walking, talking wallet.
I will keep a close eye on this person, because I think that everyone in the community should "gay it forward". It was done for me, and I'm gonna make sure it's done for him as well.
But this PRIDE weekend was a true experience for me, and I'm happy that I've made it through another one, not battered but brighter. And smarter.
The reason: I've finally realized that it is okay to take my mask off and show my vulnerability. I've been feeling like I should not show my vulnerable side because men who I'm interested in will take it for granted.
I don't care if they can't handle that characteristic in me ... no longer will I care. I have to be myself, and not care what the guy thinks of me. Hell, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and this old dog ain't gonna learn any new tricks.
I think I've been going about things all wrong in my pursuit of a relationship. I've been trying to change myself to mold into a caricature of what will please that guy and not being true to myself. And it struck me as weird that I never realized that even though I do control my own destiny, there is no need at all to settle for something less-than in any relationship. I've been settling, and that crap stops right now.
And I've realized other men may be doing the same thing. My advice to them would be to take themselves off the clearance rack, stop marking their self-worth down to a lower price range, and put themselves behind the glass case. When someone wants to choose them - the item in the glass case - they will know they are not picking you off the clearance rack.
Yesterday while enjoying my PRIDE weekend I encountered three different men. One man, I've been fooling around with behind closed doors. I've developed feelings for him, despite all efforts to avoid it. I'm not in love with him or anything like that. I've just begun to feel some feelings for him.
I ran into him while enjoying the festivities, and he seemed to be apprehensive when we spoke. We only spoke briefly, but in that short minute it hit me. I realized that although I have begun to have some type of feelings for this gentleman, I knew - in that brief minute - that he has other obligations in his life and there is no future at all for me in his life ... other than a fling. That's how he sees me, and I know now that in his life, there is no room for anything but a casual dalliance.
When I left him, I kissed him. And in that kiss, I knew it had to be goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss. It's sad when reality slaps you in the face, but to be honest we were, as Air Supply sings, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". And I deserve a hell of a lot more. Especially since I know that if my mama were alive, she'd slap me silly for ever settling for second best.
The second man I ran into yesterday is a good friend of mine. He's an enigma of sorts. He's sexy, in a downplayed sort of way. He always makes me laugh ... the type of guy who everyone loves to be around. But while speaking to him, I realized that even though he's a sweet-natured guy who has a big heart, he doesn't want anyone to know it. He's comfortable with people thinking he's a cad, a guy who just wants people to think he has no feelings at all. But when you look in this man's eyes, you can see into his soul. There is so much more to this man than meets the eye. But he has this mask, of sorts, that hides his inner-self from being exposed.
I really wish he'd open himself up and let people see the true man that he is. But that's the way it is for a lot of gay men. I told him it's okay to show his vulnerable side, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I hope he figures out what I've come to learn. I've learned that it's okay to take the mask off, and it's really okay to show your vulnerable side.
My PRIDE weekend ended with, perhaps, the saddest encounter with a guy. This young man has a lot to offer people. But sadly he has no idea of his self-worth. It's unfortunate because he knows that he thinks he has to buy friendship in this city. He knows it, and even admitted it to me. I found this all too unsettling.
I wanted to hug this young man and just try to make him understand that there is no reason to do that. So as I spoke these words to him, he just would not believe it. He told me that even though he does feel like he needs to buy people respect, admiration and friendship, he knows that people don't like him because he has nothing to offer people other than becoming a dollar sign and buying friends.
This young man just wants to make friends - that's all. I told him that he'll find his patch of golden girls ... I did, and thank my lucky stars every day that my golden girls are in my life.
Alas, he didn't believe me. I fear for this young man, because he's at a vulnerable stage in his gay life. He even said to me that if he just up and died, people wouldn't even notice he was gone. This breaks my heart, especially since he said his parents don't even talk to him anymore because he's gay.
I never mention people in my blog by name ... that's my policy, and this is no exception. I wish that I could reveal this guy's name, because I think that people would show him how much they care about him - as a person, not as a walking, talking wallet.
I will keep a close eye on this person, because I think that everyone in the community should "gay it forward". It was done for me, and I'm gonna make sure it's done for him as well.
But this PRIDE weekend was a true experience for me, and I'm happy that I've made it through another one, not battered but brighter. And smarter.
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