Take the mask off ... it's really okay to show your vulnerable side

Well another PRIDE weekend has come and gone. And this one was different than the other ones I've experienced in Asbury Park.
The reason: I've finally realized that it is okay to take my mask off and show my vulnerability. I've been feeling like I should not show my vulnerable side because men who I'm interested in will take it for granted.
I don't care if they can't handle that characteristic in me ... no longer will I care. I have to be myself, and not care what the guy thinks of me. Hell, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and this old dog ain't gonna learn any new tricks.
I think I've been going about things all wrong in my pursuit of a relationship. I've been trying to change myself to mold into a caricature of what will please that guy and not being true to myself. And it struck me as weird that I never realized that even though I do control my own destiny, there is no need at all to settle for something less-than in any relationship. I've been settling, and that crap stops right now.
And I've realized other men may be doing the same thing. My advice to them would be to take themselves off the clearance rack, stop marking their self-worth down to a lower price range, and put themselves behind the glass case. When someone wants to choose them - the item in the glass case - they will know they are not picking you off the clearance rack.
Yesterday while enjoying my PRIDE weekend I encountered three different men. One man, I've been fooling around with behind closed doors. I've developed feelings for him, despite all efforts to avoid it. I'm not in love with him or anything like that. I've just begun to feel some feelings for him.
I ran into him while enjoying the festivities, and he seemed to be apprehensive when we spoke. We only spoke briefly, but in that short minute it hit me. I realized that although I have begun to have some type of feelings for this gentleman, I knew - in that brief minute - that he has other obligations in his life and there is no future at all for me in his life ... other than a fling. That's how he sees me, and I know now that in his life, there is no room for anything but a casual dalliance.
When I left him, I kissed him. And in that kiss, I knew it had to be goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss. It's sad when reality slaps you in the face, but to be honest we were, as Air Supply sings, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All". And I deserve a hell of a lot more. Especially since I know that if my mama were alive, she'd slap me silly for ever settling for second best.
The second man I ran into yesterday is a good friend of mine. He's an enigma of sorts. He's sexy, in a downplayed sort of way. He always makes me laugh ... the type of guy who everyone loves to be around. But while speaking to him, I realized that even though he's a sweet-natured guy who has a big heart, he doesn't want anyone to know it. He's comfortable with people thinking he's a cad, a guy who just wants people to think he has no feelings at all. But when you look in this man's eyes, you can see into his soul. There is so much more to this man than meets the eye. But he has this mask, of sorts, that hides his inner-self from being exposed.
I really wish he'd open himself up and let people see the true man that he is. But that's the way it is for a lot of gay men. I told him it's okay to show his vulnerable side, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I hope he figures out what I've come to learn. I've learned that it's okay to take the mask off, and it's really okay to show your vulnerable side.
My PRIDE weekend ended with, perhaps, the saddest encounter with a guy. This young man has a lot to offer people. But sadly he has no idea of his self-worth. It's unfortunate because he knows that he thinks he has to buy friendship in this city. He knows it, and even admitted it to me. I found this all too unsettling.
I wanted to hug this young man and just try to make him understand that there is no reason to do that. So as I spoke these words to him, he just would not believe it. He told me that even though he does feel like he needs to buy people respect, admiration and friendship, he knows that people don't like him because he has nothing to offer people other than becoming a dollar sign and buying friends.
This young man just wants to make friends - that's all. I told him that he'll find his patch of golden girls ... I did, and thank my lucky stars every day that my golden girls are in my life.
Alas, he didn't believe me. I fear for this young man, because he's at a vulnerable stage in his gay life. He even said to me that if he just up and died, people wouldn't even notice he was gone. This breaks my heart, especially since he said his parents don't even talk to him anymore because he's gay.
I never mention people in my blog by name ... that's my policy, and this is no exception. I wish that I could reveal this guy's name, because I think that people would show him how much they care about him - as a person, not as a walking, talking wallet.
I will keep a close eye on this person, because I think that everyone in the community should "gay it forward". It was done for me, and I'm gonna make sure it's done for him as well.
But this PRIDE weekend was a true experience for me, and I'm happy that I've made it through another one, not battered but brighter. And smarter.