Right now things are very difficult for me.
Last week a member of the family passed away. She was a sweet soul, and during my time that I was very entrenched in religion she was instrumental in my journey. When I attended her funeral this week, it was a sad time. And all week, I couldn't help but feel such sadness and depression over my own mother's death a few months ago.
Constant tears have been falling. I thought I'd come to terms with my mom's death, but I haven't. I truly miss my mom. And as I know that I have an entire host of close friends and family members around me, I feel utterly alone. Not lonely, but alone.
It feels like I've been falling into a deep hole and can't get out or stop myself from falling. I need to smile and laugh so people don't sense my despair. But I can't keep things bottled up anymore.
I miss my mom and really need to hear her voice again, or just see her so we can talk about things. I took her for granted when she was alive, I guess because I always thought she'd be here for me. Looking back, she'd done a lot of selfless things for me, just to make things easier for me and because I was "her baby". Funny, it used to drive me crazy when she'd introduce me to people as her baby - her youngest child. Secretly, I really liked it because hearing her say that made me feel like she and I had a special bond.
It breaks my heart that I am no longer anyone's baby.
I know so many people in my life do understand how I'm feeling. But I can't take comfort in that because I don't want to take comfort in that. I wanted to rush home to my guy and have him hug me - just hug me. But then I realized that I don't have that person in my life right now. So no hug. :(
It's funny how when you need a simple hug and the chance to cuddle with that special someone in your life, and that person isn't there for you, it makes a situation just as harsh.
So I am trying to just keep my head above water and smile. Trust me, a hell of a lot of alcohol has helped ease all the pain. But I can't use that as a crutch anymore ... I need to come to terms with everything.
I really don't know what my next step should be.
But I just don't want to feel alone anymore. It's a terrible feeling.
