My birthday was Friday, and I'm proud that I can say I'm 43 years old now and I've made it thus far with only a few scrapes and bruises ... to my heart.
I've had to deal with a lot of false starts in my search for a man who is worthy of me. Some people say there are no good homosexual men left out there in the world. They say all the good ones are taken, or scared of relationships, or just damaged goods. They've been through the fire a few too many times, and because of it, they are running for the hills, running far away from any sort of commitment.
That's my problem. I keep encountering these men. They tell me that they are afraid to get fully involved in a romance with me because they know I'm in it for the long haul. It's sad, because a lot of these guys who have the phobia of commitment seem to get in my way. I have these magnets on me that only attract these men.
Well, I've decided that I'm too old to keep chasing after the paper dreams that keep alluding me. These guys can stay away from me from now on. They seem to think they are doing me a favor by keeping me at arms' length, not letting me get too close to them, having indiscreminate sex with nameless, faceless individuals, avoiding going all the way (you know what I mean) with me because they know I am relationship material and they don't want to hurt me by turning their back on me after having sex, and sooner or later acting like assholes.
They actually are doing me a favor. I always take it as a rejection of sorts, but it's not a rejection at all; it's a blessing. They know I'm looking for someone just as competent, financially secure and loving as I am, and in the end they really are saving me from a lot of chaos, drama and heartache.
So thank you!
Everyone is damaged in their own way, shape or form. Even I am damaged. But even though I am damaged goods, I am goods nonetheless. And it's abominable to continue throwing myself under the bus just to have something as "far-fetched" as a relationship.
I'm not looking for the man of my dreams anymore. That person doesn't exist. I know that now. And I'm content with that knowledge.
Besides, there are a lot worse things in life than being single. Just turn on the news or read a newspaper and you'll see what I mean. So in the long run, I'm pretty lucky if the worst thing in my life is being single and never finding the man of my dreams.
Wow, I guess I really am growing up.
