For those who know the '80s song "Mama Used To Say" by an artist named Junior, you know exactly what these song lyrics mean.
I learned a lot from my mother - how to make sure people don't take advantage of you, how to make the best of a bad situation, and how to love the best that you can.
This past week has been very stressful, and I've been going through my own personal hell, it would seem. This week has been difficult, and yesterday I just needed to talk to Mama. So I drove back to my hometown yesterday in an attempt to visit my Mama. My plan was to go to visit my mama at the cemetery and talk to her. I haven't been back to the cemetery since the funeral last month. I thought it would be too hard.
I thought right.
I drove down, but I just couldn't go to my Mama's gravesite. I thought, "What's going on? I'm 42 years old (but I look not a day over 30 - in gay years, and plus 'black don't crack'!) so I can't understand why I can't go to my mom's grave!?!"
Perhaps it is too soon for me. It wasn't that it was so spooky or dreary, but it was more like I felt awkward visiting her and talking to her when she's not there to answer me immediately. I would give anything to have Mama butt into my business and drive me crazy with offering her opinion on what's going on in my life.
I wanted to talk to my Mama about my boyfriend Andrew. Or I guess I have to get used to calling the guy "ex-boyfriend". Although I could call him "jerk", "a**hole", "loser" or "cheat"! But I'm a gentleman, so I'm just going to refer to him as "womanizer"!
Don't get me wrong - I don't think of him as a womanizer and I sure as hell ain't no woman, but I do think he has all the trademarks.
I was going to title this blog entry "How to become a mistress without really trying", but I ruled against it. You see, I was a mistress but I had no idea. I chose to find a man in a place other than Asbury Park because I was just so sick and tired of dealing with the city's craziness and trying to navigate the gay scene. After all, when I first came out, I spent a lot of time in New York, and that's actually where I found my first boyfriend. And how ironic, that's where I found my LAST boyfriend. I'm bowing out of the dating scene ... it's just too horrendous for me! Please don't cry for me or think I'm a foolish cad - I have been witness to many success stories and have been privy to many loving gay relationships.
I do know that some gay couples work out and are very happy and loving; I'm just realizing that I won't be one of them. I give my all and just get trampled in the dust by these guys who claim to care so deeply and love me.
I had given up on finding the man of my dreams; fairytales rarely come true - or at least for me.
So when I found Andrew, and he wanted to enter into a relationship with me, I was cautious but a bit excited. We met in an ordinary way - I met him one night at a local bar this past summer. He was visiting Asbury Park for the first time, and when he saw me up on stage singing karaoke, his friend told me that he said to her, "I want that guy!" So when he approached me and struck up a conversation, I was obviously interested in talking to him. He was attractive, had a great smile, knew how to talk "to me" and not "at me", and complimented me on my energy and good looks. I was a sucker for his good-natured attitude and attention.
So we left the bar and decided to hang out at his hotel. We spent a lot of time talking outside of the hotel on the patio. We shared many of the same interests. But one thing about him I didn't like - his smoking. See, I usually don't date smokers, mainly because my mother's smoking started her on a downward health spiral. Smoking was the beginning of her poor health issues. So I made the decision to not date smokers.
I should have followed my first instinct. But of course, feelings and the heat of the moment got the best of me, and we "got together" - and I'm sure you know what I mean without having to say it.
Afterward, we didn't exchange numbers ... he wanted to, but I just didn't want to exchange digits - I was still not believing in love and didn't want to even deal with any more men. So we left each other that night and just knew we wouldn't run into each other again.
Little did I know ...
A couple of weeks had passed, and I received an email from him. He tracked me down through my job (forgot I initially told him at first meeting where I worked), and he sent me an email saying he enjoyed our meeting and he still wanted to get together and start dating. His persistence wore me down, and I agreed to date him. In the midst of all this bliss I was feeling with Andrew, my mother passed away.
I really wasn't in the mood to even date anyone at this time, or even continue things with him. But he was very patient and loving to me, so I continued things with him and let him be there for me. He helped me through the roughest time in my life, and through him being there for me, my feelings that I'd been trying to keep under wraps and hold back from him burst through. I was falling hard for him.
So as the weeks continued, we kept things hot and heavy. He was, turning out, to actually be the man of my dreams!
But then the dream became a nightmare! I was spending the weekend with him last weekend, and I was very happy. I won't go into too many details, but suffice to say, things ended between us last weekend. After a few months of all this, from meeting him - having relations with him - he wearing me down and agreeing to start a relationship - he helping me through a horrible time - being there for each other no matter what, he cut things off.
The horrible reason - I was his mistress, so to speak. There was another person, and guilt got the better of the situation. And to add insult to injury, I had no idea about any of this.
So the trust I have for any of these men has totally disappeared! I will no longer let any of them in my life ... or in my heart ... ever again.
I'm not being bitter; I'm just being smart.
And just like Mama used to say, I'm going to take my time and just let me be me. If I learned anything from watching my Mama deal with a lifetime of disappointment at the hands of love, it's that love will let you down. The best love you can have is a love of yourself. And thank goodness my mom had that, because I can take some comfort in that.
So no more men or dating for me, because even the ones who seem like they are good as gold can easily slide under the radar with me.
I'm just too naive to be in a relationship. Just sayin'!!
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