Being gay didn't stop mom from loving me

"Wake up all the doctors make the old people well. They're the ones who suffer and who catch all the hell. But they don't have so very long before the Judgment Day. So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away."

Right now my mother is fighting for her life in the hospital from a serious illness. And this particular line from one of my favorite songs, "Wake Up Everybody" by Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes, has consistently been playing in my head.
To be honest, my mother has had to struggle through years of poor health, and when I think of that song, it just makes me cry.
For my mother, it's touch-and-go, and despite the fact that the prognosis isn't so great, it's good to see that our family is rallying around her.
I love my mother, but I don't always get the chance to see her while living such a good distance from her, and not to mention the fact that I'm a workaholic. It's no excuse, so I'm not trying to use it.
But watching my mother lie unconscious in her hospital bed, I can't help but recall the day I told her that not only was I moving to Asbury Park, but I was gay. See, I wrote a novel about a young man being forced to choose between his sexual orientation and his strong desire for a life in the ministry. And I wanted my family to know that our lives would eventually be open for the public to read about - for better or worse. I just knew my mother would blow up and curse me out for writing about our lives, but she didn't at all.
My mother didn't express upset or disappointment, but just the opposite - she said "No matter what, I'll always love you!"
Now that was a bit of a fairytale moment, because some mothers just don't accept their sons' sexual orientation. As I was sitting in my mother's hospital room this afternoon, not knowing what to say to her (the doctors said that although she's not conscious, she could still hear me), one thought kept creeping through my mind.
A really good friend of mine is going through a struggle with his mother, and I really wish his mother would show him unwavering support. He's one of my "Asbury Park boys", and trust - a "sometimes naive, see the world through rose-colored glasses, trust faithfully and sometimes foolishly" type of gay man like myself needs fellow gay men to keep me in line. I consider this person like a brother and I've only run into a handful of gay men in the city who I can legitimately say that about. Two of them who are partners are my "golden girls", one is a bartender at an establishment I frequent, one's a co-worker, and then there's the one who I'm talking about. These people have my back - no matter what. And they all will tell me if I'm doing things foolishly or just going down the wrong path with any of the men in my life.
But I digress ...
My original point - I know sometimes it's difficult for parents and siblings to accept that their loved one is homosexual. But something my mother said to me, I'd wished some other families would express the same sentiment to their gay family members. She said that I'm the same person who she raised and loved; being gay doesn't change that at all.
So I guess sometimes, despite the fact that families don't want to accept the truth, it's not going to stop the truth from coming out. And with one of my "Asbury Park boys", I'm waiting for the day to come that he says to me that his mother has finally realized that he's the same young man who makes her laugh, drives her nuts, loves her unconditionally, and loves life without apology!
I guess I could have said to my unconscious mother in the intensive care unit that I thank her for allowing me to be myself without sticking her nose into all aspects of my life and making things more difficult for me in the long run. My mother and I have had our difficulties over the years, but the one thing she could have been difficult about - her youngest son being gay - she didn't let it faze her.
One thing I want my mother to get the opportunity to do is something I've been able to do myself - forgive. My mother hasn't forgiven my father for things they've gone through in their married life. I want her to have the chance to do that.
For myself, going through this difficult time with my mother's hospitalization has given me the chance to look at my own failed relationships and find forgiveness. I was holding on to a bit of anger over my last relationship's demise, and I just needed to have an opportunity to forgive and forget. Now forgetting will take a little longer, but I finally forgive. I was able to let my ex-boyfriend help me deal with a situation with my mother from the past, so I would not hold onto any feelings of upset. I really never knew he'd be able to help me come to terms with the emotional distance between my mother and myself.
I hope my mother gets the same opportunity ... and actually takes the opportunity to make peace with my father.
My mother deserves that chance to find forgiveness in her heart.
It makes things a lot easier.