I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone

This past Sunday I went to The Showroom in Asbury Park to see "Edge of Seventeen".
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.