This blog post actually picks up where my last post, "Prince Charming lost his invitation to the ball", left off. I ended my last entry halfway through because I was getting a bit upset at myself, as I had to analyze some of my past indiscretions and missteps.
I think I was getting upset because I realized that although Prince Charming wasn't in attendance at the Mayor's Ball, I probably wouldn't have noticed him if he were there. Perhaps he was there, I wouldn't have known it because I am, somewhat, closed off.
Funny, a good friend of mine called me a prude. I thought it was funny and he was wrong, but after looking at my life and interactions over the past few years, I have to admit that he was correct in his assessment. A prude? Maybe.
Another one of my good friends, someone who I've grown very close to over the past couple of years, said that he thought I was so innocent. An innocent? Maybe.
Both of them were right. I've done my share of crazy things in my life. But for the most part, I've been a bit of a Mary Richards (after all, Mary Tyler Moore is one of my favorite actresses). And maybe all of these gay men can read that innocence in me and feel that they cannot handle it. That can be a lot of pressure for a gay man to deal with, especially since a majority of us can't be bothered with any more than a short-term whirlwind sexual experience. So no, I don't blame them.
Don't get it twisted ... I do have a crazy side that some people do see. But I tend to show people the sophisticated side at times. Guess that leads to what another friend of mine said about me. He said that I seem so regal. I can see where his assessment came from, but it was still funny to hear.
After analyzing all three of my friends' assessments of me, I've come to the conclusion that they're all right on the money. I'll admit - it hurt me a little to hear it because I never wanted to come off that way. In the world of gays, especially in Asbury Park, if a gay man is considered a prude, innocent and regal, therefore they are unapproachable and standoffish to other men. After all, who would want to try to make a pass or pick up a gay man who appeared to them in such a way? I'll be honest, I wouldn't make a move on me.
Men see me in a bar or restaurant sipping on a martini, giving off the air that I'm a prude or regal, and obviously I'm not very approachable. That is, unless that man is looking for a meal ticket or sugar daddy. One of my exes viewed me in that fashion when he met me, and that, unfortunately, became the basis of our relationship. So can I blame him? In retrospect I can't blame him, but it still hurts me sometimes. It still shakes my confidence that someone fell in love with my money before they fell in love with me.
Hell, I truly hate that I have the reputation of being out-of-reach! I really have no idea how I could possibly erase those assessments from the minds of gay men in the city. These were the blocks that my parents instilled in me, as that is the way they raised me and made great pains and sacrifices to supply me with the financial stability and responsibility that I possess to this day. I can't see anything wrong with it, except for the way others view it in me.
Even though my life's motto is "Whatever people think of me is none of my business", there are times when it is my business - mainly when it comes to my relationship status and why it is what it is.
My mother also instilled her standoffish nature in me. I'm very approachable and fiercely loyal to those friends and lovers who have taken the time to get to know me on all levels. But I know, sadly, that until you get to that point, I will always appear regal, prudish and innocent to the mass population. Pay careful attention to the word "appear", because although I appear this way, I am not at all.
So if you read my last blog entry, you know that I was feeling off because I'd witnessed two elderly gay men walking along Cookman Avenue holding hands, and was saddened because I felt like I'd never experience that with another man.
I secretly pray to myself each day that I'll find that one man who can look past my prudish, regal, unapproachable exterior and discover that I'm truly a sweet, approachable, loving, big-hearted man who just wants another man to treat him like a friend, passionate lover, confidante and soulmate.
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