I noticed something when I was out last night with a couple of friends. Actually it's not the first time that I noticed it, but this is the first time that I am acknowledging it.
They say sometimes you need to look within yourself for answers, so that's what I'm doing.
I'm always complaining, albiet to myself, that I can't find a man who wants to embark on a relationship. But everywhere I turn I am seeing men who have found their partners. They've been able to find the Prince Charmings. The couples come in all shapes, sizes, appearances and colors.
I think the reason I am still single is because of a reason I don't like to admit to myself. It's not all the other guys, it's because I'm just not that appealing to the guys. There are guys who want sex from me, I'm not saying that guys don't see me and want sex. But truth be told, I think every guy wants to have sex; most times the other guy only needs to be breathing to be an object of sexual attraction.
I'm realizing that other than sex, guys don't want to enter a relationship with me. They hardly want anything at all from me. I'm not complaining; it's just not in the cards for me.
Some people are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. I'm probably going to be one of those people.
The guys who I've had sexual relations with, well, they go right on entering a relationship with someone else. It's like I'm the speedbump to the next full-blown romance with another guy.
When I was young, I never thought of myself as handsome. When I entered high school, I got a boatload of good friends and enjoyed some popularity, but I wasn't the guy who was sort after by women. (P.S. - little known fact: I used to date women)
I got a girlfriend in my senior year, but she was a bit loopy and a lot crazy. Long story; if you want the long version it's in my novel.
But I digress. In college women started to seek me out for romance. After college I was engaged twice. The first woman was too good for me; the second one went nuts. Before I decided to be myself and come out of the closet, I dated two other women.
It was pretty easy for me to get into a relationship with women. But dating men is a whole different arena. I'm just not good at it. I would never go back to dating women because they don't appeal to me whatsoever. I only want to be with a man. But that is out of my reach for whatever reason.
But as I was saying, I noticed something last night. My friend was pushing me to talk to this guy, and after a few minutes I decided to talk to the guy. We joked a bit, talked a lot, and then I went to grab a drink. By the time I turned back around, the guy was being hit on by another guy, and it was as if he no longer knew who I was. We'd had a good talk, and a lot of flirting.
It's not the first time this has happened to me, but damn, this is going to be the last. I'm not putting myself out there like that again. Perhaps I'm just not that attractive. In any event, I'm just going to mind my own business. I'm attractive to men not of my race, and it's so damn hard to figure out which men are attracted to black guys.
So I'm going to take a few months off to do some things I need to do to get myself in order. I'm completing bartending classes so by the holidays I'll have a job as a bartender. I'm going after my teaching certification so I'll be able to teach teenagers how to avoid butchering the English language.
I'm focused now, so I know what I need to do to attain happiness. I've had two boyfriends, and perhaps that's all I'm supposed to have in my lifetime. After all, one loved drugs and cheating on me more than he loved me; the other loved my money and being taken care of more than he loved me.
But I would hate it if I could never find true romance and those two failed relationships were all I had to show for the amount of passion I have within me.
That can't be all there is. It just can't.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, 'cause no one could ever love me more than I love myself.
But a little human tenderness and the caress of a man's touch sure would do me right! Jus sayin'!
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