Despite the best efforts, it's damn near impossible to put a lock on your heart

I had an affair with a married man.
I rarely talk about this time in my life because at times it's too painful to think about. It ended a couple of years ago, and to be honest, I didn't feel bad about having relations with this person. The man had been with his husband for years and they had an open relationship.
When we ended relations, it wasn't my decision. He had decided that it was no longer something he wanted to do, especially since he was happy with his partner. Unfortunately, by the time our affair was axed, I had feelings for him. I never exposed to him the fact that I had fallen for him - I felt some sort of embarassment.
We had an understanding that we wouldn't let any emotions interfere. But the heart will do what it wants, despite my best efforts to lock it up. I've been in a couple of other relationships with men that were very dear and special to me. But this man that I'd gotten into an affair with, well, he stole my heart. In a very real way, he was the only man who I was truly in love with.
I loved all the men who I let into my heart, don't get me wrong. But giving my full heart to, well that's a different story. I don't diminish any part of my relationships in any way. But this man is the only person I've ever been involved with who actually makes my heart ache when I see him.
So when I saw him the other day at a fundraising event, my heart was heavy. I knew that I'd see him there, but I was hoping that when I saw him I'd be able to prove to myself that he didn't mean much to me anymore.
I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do still have feelings for him. This angers me somewhat.
I don't have any ill feelings towards him, none at all. I wish him well, and I know that he didn't do anything to lead me on. It was an affair, plain and simple.
But it was good to see him.
Not because I had any fantasies of him grabbing me, picking me up in his arms and kissing me passionately. (Well, I sorta did!)
But because I needed to see that he and his husband were really happy together. I don't know why I needed to see that, perhaps because I needed to understand why I gave my heart to him anyway.
To this day I haven't found another man who has been able to touch my heart in that way. And trust me ~ I've been on the lookout. Of course people always tell me that I am always oblivious to guys who are interested in me.
I really do want to find another man to let into my life and heart, but it's so difficult to find that man.
So I'm hoping he's out there and will approach me. Can you believe some think I'm unapproachable??? Perhaps, but I won't bite ... well, not much.
The purpose of this blog post, I suppose, is to let this man off the hook. I haven't had the chance to say it to him, but to this man ~ I forgive you. And in the same breath, I forgive myself.
Now I think I can put all that, I don't know what it was, behind me. This man was a sweet, funny, attractive, kind-hearted gentleman, and I am glad that I was able to share part of myself with him for the time that we had.
(... I hope I don't seem too introspective and wistful, but this is what happens when I watch the part in the "Sex and the City" movie when Carrie finds the letters Big wrote to her!)