I've lamented incessantly that I desire a relationship. I've told it to friends, family and the followers of my blog. I've told it to anyone who would listen, I suppose.
I've learned over time on the proper ways to treat my partner, as I've been privy to the positives and negatives. My past relationships have not been the best, and after a lot of self-analyzation, I've realized that a major part of the romances not lasting was because I gave too much.
I didn't mean to do that ... it just comes naturally for me. I learned early on that the more you give in a relationship, the less your significant other has to give. Ultimately, you will end up in an imbalanced relationship.
I've had my share of imbalanced relationships. Trust me ... it's no fun for the person giving 80 percent. But it's so easy for the person giving 20 percent to get too comfortable. And then when you decide to push the other person to step it up and become an equal, they can't - or won't - do it.
So as I've stood back and observed a lot of gay men while in their respective romances, it has become painfully apprarent that some gay men just can't find their ways into healthy relationships. I'm glad that I've watched these relationships blossom, crumble, get pieced back together with duct tape, and then crash and burn in the most treacherous ways - because by watching from a close distance, I've gotten a eyeful of the tragic messes some of these gay boyz have stumbled upon.
And how some of these boyz have handled their relationships, it has become all too apparent at where you can draw the line in the sand and separate the men from the boyz.
It's so tragic to watch guys break down in public, at the local hangouts no less, crying and lamenting over how their boyfriend/lover/trick has broken their hearts and stripped them of their dignity.
News flash boyz: No one can take anything away from you unless you give them the power to do so. Too many of these boyz are giving away their power in the relationship, which is why they find themselves in physically frightening and verbally abusive romances.
When you have to watch a couple out on the town fighting like cats and dogs, it not only makes the two of them look bad, it causes some people who care about the two of them to take measures to separate themselves from the tragic pair. Then the couple always seem to wonder why people begin to act differently around them. It's not too hard to figure it out - your tragic displays in public are just pathetic to watch.
I wish that some gay men who are confident, secure and loving to their relationships with their significant others would take some of these "Romeo & Juliet" pairings under their wings and teach them a thing or three about proper relationship etiquette. It would make a world of difference.
Now I'm not saying that these tragic pairings don't have the capacity to make it work and become loving couples; I'm sure they have it in them. But before they can show a more loving side of themselves, they'd have to take a long look in the mirror (separately and as a couple) and try to change the things that are causing them to look tragic to the masses.
And remember, Asbury Park's gay community has a long memory. You don't want to be remembered as "that guy" who has gotten the bad reputation and potential romantic interests have heard that you aren't capable of being in a drama-free relationship. Some people already have that reputation, and the best way to turn that around is simple. I really can't believe anyone has to tell a person this, but:
1) If the person you are in a relationship with constantly abuses you verbally, behind closed doors and out in the public - KICK HIM TO THE CURB;
2) If the person has ever put his hands on you in a menacing, abusive way - KICK HIM TO THE CURB;
3) If the person refuses to meet you halfway and you are always giving more than you are getting out of a relationship - KICK HIM TO THE CURB;
4) If you always have to track down your boyfriend and figure out what, or who, he's doing - KICK HIM TO THE CURB;
5) If you ever find yourself crying out in public over the man in your life who has consistently treated you like yesterday's garbage, and you are wracking your brain trying to find reasons to stay in the relationship - KICK HIM TO THE CURB.
My mother and sister always told me that if you are in a bad relationship, get out of it because "You can do bad all by yourself"! And it's true - you can do bad all by yourself!
And now that I've sat back and observed how to finally have a true, meaningful, equal relationship, I know that I'm ready. So I will let you in on a little secret - next week I am going out with a man who I have known for a few years, but circumstances have caused us to never get it together (I'll explain in more detail at a later date). Although he lives in another state, I'm determined to make this man a significant part of my life. I've waited long enough, and before I wait any longer because of circumstances, I know you have to grab the person who means something to you when he's in your grasp.
My guardian angel is giving me the green light, so I'm grabbing!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Perhaps my guardian angel is keeping the Mr. Wrongs away from me
I'm back.
I took a break from my blog during the month of June because I actually needed a few weeks to figure out some things in my life, and if it was even worth writing about things in my life.
I know that people read my blog, and I get a lot of feedback - good and bad. But I was just feeling like I was venting about things that no one actually cared about or understood how it was feeling for me as a gay man trying to maneuver through life in the gay community.
It just seemed as if most gay men already had boyfriends, and the ones who didn't have one, they didn't want one anyway; they'd had enough of it and just wanted to play the field and have random hook-ups with random guys.
Then one of my friends posted on Facebook that he was getting tired of mixed signals and people should say what they mean and mean what they say. He was absolutely 100% correct. I so know how he feels, because in May, I'd had it with a majority of these gay men doing that to me.
So I guess I'm not alone in feeling that way. I wish there was a solution to get these men to just cut the crap and act like they are full-grown, mature men and not teen-aged schoolgirls who've just entered puberty and are all wishy-washy over relationships.
I mean, the gay community wants to come together and unite in a common goal - equality. In the process, I'd suggest that we work on humanity as well.
I, myself, know that I need a break from the community before something breaks inside of me. You know how you can feel yourself getting aggravated by people just when they say hello? Well that's where I am right now. Trying to maintain a little happiness right now while dealing with the gay community is putting me in a bad space.
I've found myself being very intolerable to people's stupid machinations in an attempt to get me upset. I know for most of these people, they just don't know any better and they are oblivious to the fact that they are doing it. But then again, sometimes I feel very naive in letting them do it also.
I'm not angry at these people ... I'm just losing patience with them. I know that being under the influence of alcohol is a very powerful aphrodisiac for some people. It's funny - that excuse (I had too much to drink; I'm sorry that I acted that way) is just getting old and tired in my book.
There's one guy who I'm friends with who has made the mistake of making out with me a couple of times while he was pretty intoxicated. Hey, I'm human, and I let him do it. He's cute - sue me. But after he'd done this for a few times, I got the point across to him that it might not be a good idea because I know that he doesn't mean it; vodka meant it.
So what happens the next time I run into him at Paradise - he sees me being very flirtatious with another guy and you'd think he'd just let me continue. But instead, he grabbed my arm and asked me to go to another part of the club with him. He didn't want to make out; he just didn't want me to make out with someone who he knew.
For the time being, I just keep my distance from this person. It's better this way - at least until things cool down and there's no chance of either of us making out while a little drunk.
But there are a couple of others who have been guilty of this, and I'm sorry, I'm just not the type of guy who wants to settle for one-nighters. Yes, I grew up in a different time and place. And unfortunately, I can't just turn that way of life on and off like a faucet.
I'll always be looking for something deeper and more meaningful. A lot of guys around here in the community don't want to deal with that anyway.
Someone was joking with me about my guardian angel putting up a forcefield around me when she knows that the wrong guy is in my personal space and trying to hit on me. I didn't take it too seriously when it was mentioned to me some time ago. But perhaps it's right on the money.
Perhaps I should start believing it, that I do have this certain guardian angel keeping the Mr. Wrongs away from me so I won't be taken when that certain Mr. Right comes along.
I believe; I believe.
I took a break from my blog during the month of June because I actually needed a few weeks to figure out some things in my life, and if it was even worth writing about things in my life.
I know that people read my blog, and I get a lot of feedback - good and bad. But I was just feeling like I was venting about things that no one actually cared about or understood how it was feeling for me as a gay man trying to maneuver through life in the gay community.
It just seemed as if most gay men already had boyfriends, and the ones who didn't have one, they didn't want one anyway; they'd had enough of it and just wanted to play the field and have random hook-ups with random guys.
Then one of my friends posted on Facebook that he was getting tired of mixed signals and people should say what they mean and mean what they say. He was absolutely 100% correct. I so know how he feels, because in May, I'd had it with a majority of these gay men doing that to me.
So I guess I'm not alone in feeling that way. I wish there was a solution to get these men to just cut the crap and act like they are full-grown, mature men and not teen-aged schoolgirls who've just entered puberty and are all wishy-washy over relationships.
I mean, the gay community wants to come together and unite in a common goal - equality. In the process, I'd suggest that we work on humanity as well.
I, myself, know that I need a break from the community before something breaks inside of me. You know how you can feel yourself getting aggravated by people just when they say hello? Well that's where I am right now. Trying to maintain a little happiness right now while dealing with the gay community is putting me in a bad space.
I've found myself being very intolerable to people's stupid machinations in an attempt to get me upset. I know for most of these people, they just don't know any better and they are oblivious to the fact that they are doing it. But then again, sometimes I feel very naive in letting them do it also.
I'm not angry at these people ... I'm just losing patience with them. I know that being under the influence of alcohol is a very powerful aphrodisiac for some people. It's funny - that excuse (I had too much to drink; I'm sorry that I acted that way) is just getting old and tired in my book.
There's one guy who I'm friends with who has made the mistake of making out with me a couple of times while he was pretty intoxicated. Hey, I'm human, and I let him do it. He's cute - sue me. But after he'd done this for a few times, I got the point across to him that it might not be a good idea because I know that he doesn't mean it; vodka meant it.
So what happens the next time I run into him at Paradise - he sees me being very flirtatious with another guy and you'd think he'd just let me continue. But instead, he grabbed my arm and asked me to go to another part of the club with him. He didn't want to make out; he just didn't want me to make out with someone who he knew.
For the time being, I just keep my distance from this person. It's better this way - at least until things cool down and there's no chance of either of us making out while a little drunk.
But there are a couple of others who have been guilty of this, and I'm sorry, I'm just not the type of guy who wants to settle for one-nighters. Yes, I grew up in a different time and place. And unfortunately, I can't just turn that way of life on and off like a faucet.
I'll always be looking for something deeper and more meaningful. A lot of guys around here in the community don't want to deal with that anyway.
Someone was joking with me about my guardian angel putting up a forcefield around me when she knows that the wrong guy is in my personal space and trying to hit on me. I didn't take it too seriously when it was mentioned to me some time ago. But perhaps it's right on the money.
Perhaps I should start believing it, that I do have this certain guardian angel keeping the Mr. Wrongs away from me so I won't be taken when that certain Mr. Right comes along.
I believe; I believe.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Congratulations Asbury gays ... the cynicism has finally worn me down
A little over a year ago, I had posted a blog that had some of my good friends worried that all the drama, chaos, cynicism and bitchiness surrounding the gay community had put me in a bad place. I was fine (sort of); I was just a little tired of having to put up with it all.
This time, I'm not "just a little tired" ... I'm done!
Over the past couple of months, I had been trying to keep it together because I knew that I never let things get the better of me and I always maintained a positive attitude about the gay scene in Asbury Park. I always knew that no matter what, happiness was just around the corner for me.
So I always let my guard down and let people know that I was always the optimist, that my gays would never really let me down. Despite the fact that so many people in the gay community were becoming - or had already become - cynics about the community and all the drama, I refused to let myself be cynical about the scene.
I can no longer say that. Some of the people in this gay community have put me in a very negative space. I can no longer makes lemonade out of lemons. I can no longer let myself care about the gay community in Asbury.
There are so many people who I'd like to thank for pushing me to feel like a part of me has died, especially since I'd always felt so alive being a confident, passionate black gay man, one who always knew that romance and camaraderie was always possiible. I was fooling myself, for so many years.
I wish I didn't feel this way, especially since this past Mother's Day was so tremendously hard for me to deal with. I still smiled and made sure everyone around me didn't know how awful I was feeling; I didn't want to ruin anyone's special day.
So I made the decision to bury those feelings down, deep down, so I didn't show them to anyone. And I was fine with that.
But despite how I felt about no longer having my mom around and not being able to celebrate her day the way we honored her every year, I pressed forward. But I just wanted to throw myself into being so happy in my gay community. But no, some of these gays in Asbury must have just known how awful I was feeling and wanted to make me feel so much worse.
It's a rule of mine to never offer up names, and I'm not going to change that rule now. But if any of you reading this relate to the situations, know it is about you or something you've done and don't like the mirror being held up to your dark, passionless soul, too damn bad!
You have people lying to your face because they think you are too stupid to know they're deceptive jerks; people who would rather serve out-of-towners before their regular patrons because they think you'll wait forever because you are here all year round; people who start fights because they have something to prove; people who ignore you and act like they don't know you (even though they wanted to be your Facebook friend - what's that about?); people who are so afraid of getting older that they settle for a younger, very tragic person - just because they are young.
You also have people who are just too damn tragic and spreaded drama in their past relationships that they are so inept at being in a true, loving relationship in the future so they try to push that drama into the new prospective romantic relationship; people who ask you out, then realize you want more than a one-night stand (even though you told them so prior); people who will let you know that you are only a customer who tips big, when you may have mistakenly assumed that they are a friend; people who you think are friends and they will drag you into a situation by opening their mouths about something they "assume", then try to backpedal by lying; and those who will make you feel like you can't trust a living soul ever again.
I know some of this is harsh ... hell, who am I kidding? It's all harsh. But I'm at the end of my rope, and I've already tied a knot to hang on but it seems like that knot is coming loose. But hey, I'm a writer, and what writers do is write about what they know and how things make them feel.
But I'm SO grateful for the people in the gay community who counteract these negative souls; I need more of them. If it weren't for these individuals, I know I'd just crumble.
My bestie, who has found all this stuff out long ago but still has never crushed my hopes that some people are still good for me, has been a true rock for me;
My golden girls, who have always let me know that even though there are some tragic souls in Jersey's gay community, they always have my back and we can always, always laugh about it until it all seems so trivial;
A few very tight, close friends who will let me vent and cry in front of them and never, ever turn their backs on me;
A few close confidantes who will pull me aside and tell me when I'm making a tragic mistake because they know me all too well and know I'm worth more than what I'm blindly walking into.
Actually, there are a lot of people who I am cool with and who I know have my back - even when I don't even know they are protecting me. They don't always tell me they are protecting me; they just do it. And I love them for it and hope they know I love them for it. I'm going to have to tell them how much they mean to me a lot more.
So although I've encountered some people who make me feel nauseous just at the sight of them, I thank the Heavens that some truly dear people have been placed in my path to counteract the negative souls.
I was about to apologize if anyone was offended at this blog post, but I'm not really sorry at all. Those who I love and adore in this community know how much I care about them because I make every attempt to let them know how much I love them and appreciate them - whether by tipping very well for their service, or texting them our secret crazy catch-phrases all the time, buying them a drink when I'm happy to get the chance to hang out with them, or giving them a huge hug when I see them out and about.
Perhaps if anyone learns anything from reading this blog post, I'd like it to be this ... If you treat people like they are insignificant in the big scheme of things in this world, you will continue to return to this Earth as a less fortunate soul who will get beat up emotionally, even worse than the time prior. Act towards others as you want to be treated yourself.
And more importantly, never treat another human being in a manner that you would never want someone treating your own mother.
This time, I'm not "just a little tired" ... I'm done!
Over the past couple of months, I had been trying to keep it together because I knew that I never let things get the better of me and I always maintained a positive attitude about the gay scene in Asbury Park. I always knew that no matter what, happiness was just around the corner for me.
So I always let my guard down and let people know that I was always the optimist, that my gays would never really let me down. Despite the fact that so many people in the gay community were becoming - or had already become - cynics about the community and all the drama, I refused to let myself be cynical about the scene.
I can no longer say that. Some of the people in this gay community have put me in a very negative space. I can no longer makes lemonade out of lemons. I can no longer let myself care about the gay community in Asbury.
There are so many people who I'd like to thank for pushing me to feel like a part of me has died, especially since I'd always felt so alive being a confident, passionate black gay man, one who always knew that romance and camaraderie was always possiible. I was fooling myself, for so many years.
I wish I didn't feel this way, especially since this past Mother's Day was so tremendously hard for me to deal with. I still smiled and made sure everyone around me didn't know how awful I was feeling; I didn't want to ruin anyone's special day.
So I made the decision to bury those feelings down, deep down, so I didn't show them to anyone. And I was fine with that.
But despite how I felt about no longer having my mom around and not being able to celebrate her day the way we honored her every year, I pressed forward. But I just wanted to throw myself into being so happy in my gay community. But no, some of these gays in Asbury must have just known how awful I was feeling and wanted to make me feel so much worse.
It's a rule of mine to never offer up names, and I'm not going to change that rule now. But if any of you reading this relate to the situations, know it is about you or something you've done and don't like the mirror being held up to your dark, passionless soul, too damn bad!
You have people lying to your face because they think you are too stupid to know they're deceptive jerks; people who would rather serve out-of-towners before their regular patrons because they think you'll wait forever because you are here all year round; people who start fights because they have something to prove; people who ignore you and act like they don't know you (even though they wanted to be your Facebook friend - what's that about?); people who are so afraid of getting older that they settle for a younger, very tragic person - just because they are young.
You also have people who are just too damn tragic and spreaded drama in their past relationships that they are so inept at being in a true, loving relationship in the future so they try to push that drama into the new prospective romantic relationship; people who ask you out, then realize you want more than a one-night stand (even though you told them so prior); people who will let you know that you are only a customer who tips big, when you may have mistakenly assumed that they are a friend; people who you think are friends and they will drag you into a situation by opening their mouths about something they "assume", then try to backpedal by lying; and those who will make you feel like you can't trust a living soul ever again.
I know some of this is harsh ... hell, who am I kidding? It's all harsh. But I'm at the end of my rope, and I've already tied a knot to hang on but it seems like that knot is coming loose. But hey, I'm a writer, and what writers do is write about what they know and how things make them feel.
But I'm SO grateful for the people in the gay community who counteract these negative souls; I need more of them. If it weren't for these individuals, I know I'd just crumble.
My bestie, who has found all this stuff out long ago but still has never crushed my hopes that some people are still good for me, has been a true rock for me;
My golden girls, who have always let me know that even though there are some tragic souls in Jersey's gay community, they always have my back and we can always, always laugh about it until it all seems so trivial;
A few very tight, close friends who will let me vent and cry in front of them and never, ever turn their backs on me;
A few close confidantes who will pull me aside and tell me when I'm making a tragic mistake because they know me all too well and know I'm worth more than what I'm blindly walking into.
Actually, there are a lot of people who I am cool with and who I know have my back - even when I don't even know they are protecting me. They don't always tell me they are protecting me; they just do it. And I love them for it and hope they know I love them for it. I'm going to have to tell them how much they mean to me a lot more.
So although I've encountered some people who make me feel nauseous just at the sight of them, I thank the Heavens that some truly dear people have been placed in my path to counteract the negative souls.
I was about to apologize if anyone was offended at this blog post, but I'm not really sorry at all. Those who I love and adore in this community know how much I care about them because I make every attempt to let them know how much I love them and appreciate them - whether by tipping very well for their service, or texting them our secret crazy catch-phrases all the time, buying them a drink when I'm happy to get the chance to hang out with them, or giving them a huge hug when I see them out and about.
Perhaps if anyone learns anything from reading this blog post, I'd like it to be this ... If you treat people like they are insignificant in the big scheme of things in this world, you will continue to return to this Earth as a less fortunate soul who will get beat up emotionally, even worse than the time prior. Act towards others as you want to be treated yourself.
And more importantly, never treat another human being in a manner that you would never want someone treating your own mother.
Friday, May 4, 2012
When do you know that you are in the right place for a new relationship?
I'm not sure what I did in a past life, but after looking at the way my love life has progressed, there's a chance I may have caused a few lovers some emotional stress.
Wow, that's deep.
Not too deep. I always believe that the way you treat someone in a past life is the way you'll be treated in your next life. That's why I make every attempt to be kind, considerate, chivalrous and sweet-natured.
It's kind of obvious that not many people who I encounter believe in this concept too much, because they aren't really following these guidelines.
This is one of the reasons why I'm cautiously optimistic when I meet a new person who I consider a potential romantic interest. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Why? Because it always does. But even so, I still keep chugging along. Someone said I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe they were right. But I always see the best in a person until they give me a reason to toss them aside.
I know maneuvering my way through the sea of gay men, looking for my next romance, is a treacherous course. So many of the men who I encounter expect me to always make the move. Believe it or not, I'm one of the most shy individuals when it comes to that. I am deathly fearful of rejection, due mainly to something that happened in my past (which is totally for another blog post, likely to be written when I've had a couple of stiff martinis).
But despite my apprehension, I still want to see what the future holds for me. I am interested in someone new, but I'm not sure how much this person really likes me in return. Sure, I've been told that he likes me and wants to me, but until I hear those words out of his mouth, there's always a chance that it's just my wishful thinking.
My close friend was joking with me about my goal to finally do something and enter into a new relationship; he'd said I haven't done too much to find someone new. And he's right. I just didn't want to make any moves to allow myself to get hurt. I guess I should have just taken my own advice, because I always tell people to get past themselves to let a new person into their lives. Practice what I preach - I know, I know!
My blog entires are always truthful - sometimes painfully so. But as a writer, I've been taught that you have to expose yourself to get to the good stuff. Well, if I were to be truthful, I'd have to reveal that this particular person seems very kindhearted and genuine. The reason why I'm so uncertain - I've asked him to join me at a function, but as of yet, he hasn't answered me. And I'm not sure if he even wants to spend time with me.
My mother, God rest her soul, always taught me to never, ever chase someone who may not want to be caught. In matters like these, she's always been right.
So revisiting the past, I've been exploring my past relationships and some of the mistakes that I've made. Now they haven't been princes, and at times I've given way too much. I'm not sure why I'd always bent over backwards to make things turn out the way I wanted/needed them to turn out.
But I'm thankful I do have something to go on as a reference to what I need to do next time, before I go down the same path.
So I guess it's time to explore what's out there waiting for me in the way of romantic relations.
Wow, that's deep.
Not too deep. I always believe that the way you treat someone in a past life is the way you'll be treated in your next life. That's why I make every attempt to be kind, considerate, chivalrous and sweet-natured.
It's kind of obvious that not many people who I encounter believe in this concept too much, because they aren't really following these guidelines.
This is one of the reasons why I'm cautiously optimistic when I meet a new person who I consider a potential romantic interest. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Why? Because it always does. But even so, I still keep chugging along. Someone said I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe they were right. But I always see the best in a person until they give me a reason to toss them aside.
I know maneuvering my way through the sea of gay men, looking for my next romance, is a treacherous course. So many of the men who I encounter expect me to always make the move. Believe it or not, I'm one of the most shy individuals when it comes to that. I am deathly fearful of rejection, due mainly to something that happened in my past (which is totally for another blog post, likely to be written when I've had a couple of stiff martinis).
But despite my apprehension, I still want to see what the future holds for me. I am interested in someone new, but I'm not sure how much this person really likes me in return. Sure, I've been told that he likes me and wants to me, but until I hear those words out of his mouth, there's always a chance that it's just my wishful thinking.
My close friend was joking with me about my goal to finally do something and enter into a new relationship; he'd said I haven't done too much to find someone new. And he's right. I just didn't want to make any moves to allow myself to get hurt. I guess I should have just taken my own advice, because I always tell people to get past themselves to let a new person into their lives. Practice what I preach - I know, I know!
My blog entires are always truthful - sometimes painfully so. But as a writer, I've been taught that you have to expose yourself to get to the good stuff. Well, if I were to be truthful, I'd have to reveal that this particular person seems very kindhearted and genuine. The reason why I'm so uncertain - I've asked him to join me at a function, but as of yet, he hasn't answered me. And I'm not sure if he even wants to spend time with me.
My mother, God rest her soul, always taught me to never, ever chase someone who may not want to be caught. In matters like these, she's always been right.
So revisiting the past, I've been exploring my past relationships and some of the mistakes that I've made. Now they haven't been princes, and at times I've given way too much. I'm not sure why I'd always bent over backwards to make things turn out the way I wanted/needed them to turn out.
But I'm thankful I do have something to go on as a reference to what I need to do next time, before I go down the same path.
So I guess it's time to explore what's out there waiting for me in the way of romantic relations.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Straight people, gay people ... we're all the same, so let's act like it
I was reading an article, "An etiquette guide for straight people in gay bars", and it just made me chuckle.
They make some points in the article that are right on the money. It mainly focused on gay bars mostly frequented by men. In the piece, it was mentioned that women, although welcome in these bars, don't have much power because the topless male bartenders aren't tripping over themselves to wait on them first and women are virtually invisible. Also, women who accompany their male gays to these establishments sometimes turn into cockblockers, thus hindering their gay male friend in the pursuit of a sexual liaison for the evening.
The article went on to explain that some women love to bring their bachelorette parties into gay bars because they can have a much better time partying it up with the gay males. In some cases, the gays just don't want to be bothered, according to the article.
The article beat up on the straight guys as well. It explained that the straight men who happen to wander into the gay bars, whether just checking out the atmosphere or being dragged there by their girlfiends/wives, sometimes have a chip on their shoulder. They tend to think that they are going to get hit on by every single gay man in the place. But sometimes, the straight guy will get hit on - and if he does, the guy shouldn't be utterly offended and act like a jerk to the gay guy. Proper etiquette would be to let him down gently, just like you'd act if you were letting a woman know you weren't interested.
It's a funny article, and although it pokes fun at straight people in gay bars, it does hit the nail on the head. For example, a couple of months ago Paradise, the local gay club in Asbury Park, was overrun with a raucous crowd of drunken, overbearing straight individuals who literally were tearing the place apart. It was a Sunday night and was kind of slow - that is, until this group of about 20-25 straight people invaded the place. One of them said they were coming from a crazy party at another local bar/restaurant on the boardwalk.
Now I had no issue with them hanging out at Paradise, because I love my straights (a little joke because most people who know me are well aware that I hate it when someone says "I love my gays"). But the part of them being there was the way they acted. They were not only drunk and disorderly, but disrespectful because some of them were so out-of-control because a couple of them that were "talking" to me said that since it was a gay club, we should be used to it because that's how we act.
Total misconception! Just because a person is gathered with his gay friends in a gay establishment does not mean we act the fool and knock over tables, fall sloppily on the floors, toss people we are dancing with into walls, and have no qualms ruining DJ or karaoke equipment.
I've never been so upset at watching drunk people tear through a bar, never in my life. But watching some of them get booted from the club was just embarassing. Would they do the same thing if they were hanging at Brickwall, Porta or BACA? I know they wouldn't.
If this is what people think goes on at gay bars and clubs, they are wrong! I am making a request of any straight people who venture into gay bars/clubs/restaurants: Have the same respect and decency that gay people have for the places they frequent. I'm in no way saying that all straight people act like this, but there are a small portion who do act this way.
I, for one, love it when bachelorette parties frequent the gay bars because some of these women are so cool and love to dance as crazy as I do. So unlike the article, I am a fan of them. My only request: don't block me when I'm hitting on a hot guy. Otherwise, you are fine.
I do think it's going a bit too far when straight couples come in to the gay bars and clutch each others' hands for dear life. The lady is doing it so her guy doesn't get hit on by a gay man; the guy is doing it because he doesn't want to get hit on by a gay man. But more often than not (as I've witnessed firsthand), the guy is not even worth hitting on because he's not that cute! So please stop disrespecting us - and making yourselves look foolish - by clutching each other like you are attached at the hip. The gays are only laughing at you when you do it anyway.
And please, straight dudes, stop repeating over and over that you aren't gay - or you have gay friends - or asking me if it's okay for straight people to be in the bar. It's insulting and you are making a pain-in-the-ass of yourself.
To close, I just have one more request: Please stop referring to your businesses/bars/restaurants, etc. as "gay-friendly"! It sends a poor message to the universe that gay people are different, and trust me, we are no different than any other individual on the planet. Would you call your establishment "straight-friendly", "Beyonce-friendly" or "alien-friendly"? No you wouldn't, so stop parading this phrase around like it's a badge of honor. It's crossing the line to downright insulting, and it tends to make me want to avoid those places altogether.
Editor's Note: I'm not lumping all straight people into the same category; this blog post is only referring to the tiny population who are guilty of these actions. Amen!
They make some points in the article that are right on the money. It mainly focused on gay bars mostly frequented by men. In the piece, it was mentioned that women, although welcome in these bars, don't have much power because the topless male bartenders aren't tripping over themselves to wait on them first and women are virtually invisible. Also, women who accompany their male gays to these establishments sometimes turn into cockblockers, thus hindering their gay male friend in the pursuit of a sexual liaison for the evening.
The article went on to explain that some women love to bring their bachelorette parties into gay bars because they can have a much better time partying it up with the gay males. In some cases, the gays just don't want to be bothered, according to the article.
The article beat up on the straight guys as well. It explained that the straight men who happen to wander into the gay bars, whether just checking out the atmosphere or being dragged there by their girlfiends/wives, sometimes have a chip on their shoulder. They tend to think that they are going to get hit on by every single gay man in the place. But sometimes, the straight guy will get hit on - and if he does, the guy shouldn't be utterly offended and act like a jerk to the gay guy. Proper etiquette would be to let him down gently, just like you'd act if you were letting a woman know you weren't interested.
It's a funny article, and although it pokes fun at straight people in gay bars, it does hit the nail on the head. For example, a couple of months ago Paradise, the local gay club in Asbury Park, was overrun with a raucous crowd of drunken, overbearing straight individuals who literally were tearing the place apart. It was a Sunday night and was kind of slow - that is, until this group of about 20-25 straight people invaded the place. One of them said they were coming from a crazy party at another local bar/restaurant on the boardwalk.
Now I had no issue with them hanging out at Paradise, because I love my straights (a little joke because most people who know me are well aware that I hate it when someone says "I love my gays"). But the part of them being there was the way they acted. They were not only drunk and disorderly, but disrespectful because some of them were so out-of-control because a couple of them that were "talking" to me said that since it was a gay club, we should be used to it because that's how we act.
Total misconception! Just because a person is gathered with his gay friends in a gay establishment does not mean we act the fool and knock over tables, fall sloppily on the floors, toss people we are dancing with into walls, and have no qualms ruining DJ or karaoke equipment.
I've never been so upset at watching drunk people tear through a bar, never in my life. But watching some of them get booted from the club was just embarassing. Would they do the same thing if they were hanging at Brickwall, Porta or BACA? I know they wouldn't.
If this is what people think goes on at gay bars and clubs, they are wrong! I am making a request of any straight people who venture into gay bars/clubs/restaurants: Have the same respect and decency that gay people have for the places they frequent. I'm in no way saying that all straight people act like this, but there are a small portion who do act this way.
I, for one, love it when bachelorette parties frequent the gay bars because some of these women are so cool and love to dance as crazy as I do. So unlike the article, I am a fan of them. My only request: don't block me when I'm hitting on a hot guy. Otherwise, you are fine.
I do think it's going a bit too far when straight couples come in to the gay bars and clutch each others' hands for dear life. The lady is doing it so her guy doesn't get hit on by a gay man; the guy is doing it because he doesn't want to get hit on by a gay man. But more often than not (as I've witnessed firsthand), the guy is not even worth hitting on because he's not that cute! So please stop disrespecting us - and making yourselves look foolish - by clutching each other like you are attached at the hip. The gays are only laughing at you when you do it anyway.
And please, straight dudes, stop repeating over and over that you aren't gay - or you have gay friends - or asking me if it's okay for straight people to be in the bar. It's insulting and you are making a pain-in-the-ass of yourself.
To close, I just have one more request: Please stop referring to your businesses/bars/restaurants, etc. as "gay-friendly"! It sends a poor message to the universe that gay people are different, and trust me, we are no different than any other individual on the planet. Would you call your establishment "straight-friendly", "Beyonce-friendly" or "alien-friendly"? No you wouldn't, so stop parading this phrase around like it's a badge of honor. It's crossing the line to downright insulting, and it tends to make me want to avoid those places altogether.
Editor's Note: I'm not lumping all straight people into the same category; this blog post is only referring to the tiny population who are guilty of these actions. Amen!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
It's better to let people in on your angst ... before it boils to the surface
I just have to realize that I'll never have all the answers.
As many of the followers of my blog already know, I've been trying to reinvent myself. In June, when I was laid off from my job, it took me a couple of months to re-gather myself after the job that I literally burned myself out at had just cut me loose. Those couple of months after, I was just burned out and felt used up. I was depressed for awhile, but like I'd been taught, you make sure everyone sees you smile and keep the depressing feelings far away from the people in your life.
That worked for awhile. But then after I realized that I needed to do something to help myself get past all the turmoil, life just kicked my ass into gear. I knew that the only thing that would make this man happy was to look towards the future. What was I going to do? How was I going to pick myself up?
So after some serious soul-searching, I decided that it was time to rearrange my life and switch gears. I was going to follow my dream and become a teacher. That's what I always wanted to do, and the time to do it was now.
So I took measures to do it. I decided to go to bartending school so I could supplement the financial strain of the cost of returning to school to get my teaching certification. And I completed bartending school successfully and prepared to follow my dream. If I needed to, I could have just dug into my IRA trust account and paid for it, but it just didn't seem right. I was scared that if I'd failed at my dream and needed the funds in that account to live off for an extended period of time, I wouldn't have money when I was older, alone and needed a lot of money to live off.
This is the reason I wanted to speed through my courses and bartend while doing this. Of course I should have told myself that I would never get a full-time bartending gig because no one was going to take a chance on me. (*I'm not going to rehash my rant on bartending, especially in Asbury Park when there's less than a handful of black bartenders working in this city - you can read my previous blog on the subject, "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult?" if you'd like ... but I digress)
So to continue on what this blog entry is all about ...
I've been feeling more and more disillusioned in my work, my dreams, my life and myself as a person. I always tried to be the best at what I did. I hardly never fell short because I wouldn't let myself fall short of accomplishing everything I set my mind to do. I've been feeling like a failure, and I couldn't let anyone know how desperate and disheartened I'd been feeling. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but since losing my job I've applied for over 100 jobs and haven't gotten any of them. It's been really upsetting to not only my ego but also my self-esteem.
I'm the type of person who can never let anyone see him break down and cry. I'd built my personal reputation on never allowing another person see me cry; I'd always felt it was a sign of weakness.
Last week I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I couldn't even tie a knot and hang on. But despite the stress and angst, I decided to be around people to at least avoid feeling alone. I think that was my mistake; I'd forgotten that most people only see me as a strong-willed innocent who always keeps it calm, cool and collected.
And as the night went on, person after person was doing something that just drove me to the brink. I can't blame any of them because they had no clue that my internal struggles had come to a head and was ready to explode to the surface.
I did two things that I'd promised myself I would never do - I blew up at a very dear friend who didn't know that I was so distressed with my life, and I broke down into tears in front of another close friend who had the unfortune of being in my presence at the inopportune moment of my breakdown.
This blog is a way of apologizing, not only to them but myself. They both know how much I love and adore them and respect their places in my life. But it's turned out to be a good thing that this all happened. I know that I need to let people in on my inner-demons so they know just how much I can handle. That's something I need to work on.
And I've never been a fan of getting therapy to help overcome issues that are just too much to bear. But I may need to consider it now. Things are just very tough for me these days and I know that I can't have a sit-down talk with my mother. She was always my rock, and although I know that I can always talk to her, I'm painfully aware that she can't answer me back.
So maybe it's time to consider therapy of some sort to get over this hump. Perhaps it's not the worst thing I could do.
As many of the followers of my blog already know, I've been trying to reinvent myself. In June, when I was laid off from my job, it took me a couple of months to re-gather myself after the job that I literally burned myself out at had just cut me loose. Those couple of months after, I was just burned out and felt used up. I was depressed for awhile, but like I'd been taught, you make sure everyone sees you smile and keep the depressing feelings far away from the people in your life.
That worked for awhile. But then after I realized that I needed to do something to help myself get past all the turmoil, life just kicked my ass into gear. I knew that the only thing that would make this man happy was to look towards the future. What was I going to do? How was I going to pick myself up?
So after some serious soul-searching, I decided that it was time to rearrange my life and switch gears. I was going to follow my dream and become a teacher. That's what I always wanted to do, and the time to do it was now.
So I took measures to do it. I decided to go to bartending school so I could supplement the financial strain of the cost of returning to school to get my teaching certification. And I completed bartending school successfully and prepared to follow my dream. If I needed to, I could have just dug into my IRA trust account and paid for it, but it just didn't seem right. I was scared that if I'd failed at my dream and needed the funds in that account to live off for an extended period of time, I wouldn't have money when I was older, alone and needed a lot of money to live off.
This is the reason I wanted to speed through my courses and bartend while doing this. Of course I should have told myself that I would never get a full-time bartending gig because no one was going to take a chance on me. (*I'm not going to rehash my rant on bartending, especially in Asbury Park when there's less than a handful of black bartenders working in this city - you can read my previous blog on the subject, "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult?" if you'd like ... but I digress)
So to continue on what this blog entry is all about ...
I've been feeling more and more disillusioned in my work, my dreams, my life and myself as a person. I always tried to be the best at what I did. I hardly never fell short because I wouldn't let myself fall short of accomplishing everything I set my mind to do. I've been feeling like a failure, and I couldn't let anyone know how desperate and disheartened I'd been feeling. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but since losing my job I've applied for over 100 jobs and haven't gotten any of them. It's been really upsetting to not only my ego but also my self-esteem.
I'm the type of person who can never let anyone see him break down and cry. I'd built my personal reputation on never allowing another person see me cry; I'd always felt it was a sign of weakness.
Last week I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I couldn't even tie a knot and hang on. But despite the stress and angst, I decided to be around people to at least avoid feeling alone. I think that was my mistake; I'd forgotten that most people only see me as a strong-willed innocent who always keeps it calm, cool and collected.
And as the night went on, person after person was doing something that just drove me to the brink. I can't blame any of them because they had no clue that my internal struggles had come to a head and was ready to explode to the surface.
I did two things that I'd promised myself I would never do - I blew up at a very dear friend who didn't know that I was so distressed with my life, and I broke down into tears in front of another close friend who had the unfortune of being in my presence at the inopportune moment of my breakdown.
This blog is a way of apologizing, not only to them but myself. They both know how much I love and adore them and respect their places in my life. But it's turned out to be a good thing that this all happened. I know that I need to let people in on my inner-demons so they know just how much I can handle. That's something I need to work on.
And I've never been a fan of getting therapy to help overcome issues that are just too much to bear. But I may need to consider it now. Things are just very tough for me these days and I know that I can't have a sit-down talk with my mother. She was always my rock, and although I know that I can always talk to her, I'm painfully aware that she can't answer me back.
So maybe it's time to consider therapy of some sort to get over this hump. Perhaps it's not the worst thing I could do.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sometimes the past deserves to remain right where it is - in the past
I've made no secret that I would love to be in a committed relationship with a man that I care about. Some guys are just that way, and I'm one of them.
I haven't had too much luck in that department, as I've only had 2 boyfriends of significance in my life.
But a few weeks ago, a guy who I was pretty crazy over and who I'd gone out with on about a dozen dates (or as I like to call them, encounters) reached out to me and asked if I would let him back into my life and if we could pick up where we left off.
I knew last year that he wasn't ready for what I had to offer. He would always go back and forth, wanting to venture into a commitment and then backing away from me. This went on for far too long, and then after awhile of being this guy's yo-yo, I decided to cut him loose and stop the cycle.
Even after cutting his craziness out of my life, I'd still see him every now and again around Asbury Park. We went to the same hangouts, so I knew we'd always run into each other. It didn't really bother me because I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, and I knew he couldn't give it to me.
I guess over the past months, he'd grown up a bit and was now ready for me.
Now this is where my mom's teachings helped me out in a big way. She'd always taught me to follow my instincts and not settle for anything less than what I deserved. And as this guy who I (hate to say it) sweated for a few months while he decided if he even wanted me for the long-term asked me to rekindle things, all I could hear was my mom's voice in my ear. She was saying to run like the dickens as fast as I could in the other direction.
So what did I do? I followed my mom's advice. Even though she wasn't here physically, I knew she was with me spiritually. So my response to this man who I was once crazy about, and wanted me again, was to tell him I'd think about it. For me, that's a "no". When I met up with him later in the week, I let him know that it was not going to happen for us. Too much time had past, and I invested too much energy into getting things off the ground with him the last time. Flat out - he exhausted me, and I was getting too old to give 95 percent to another's 5 percent.
So, I'm still single. But I guess I'm happily single, because for the first time in a long time, I didn't settle for just a pretty face.
And this guy, my past, deserves to remain right where he is ... in the past. I need to move onto someone new, so for those guys in my past, you need to stay there.
I'm looking for a new love!
I haven't had too much luck in that department, as I've only had 2 boyfriends of significance in my life.
But a few weeks ago, a guy who I was pretty crazy over and who I'd gone out with on about a dozen dates (or as I like to call them, encounters) reached out to me and asked if I would let him back into my life and if we could pick up where we left off.
I knew last year that he wasn't ready for what I had to offer. He would always go back and forth, wanting to venture into a commitment and then backing away from me. This went on for far too long, and then after awhile of being this guy's yo-yo, I decided to cut him loose and stop the cycle.
Even after cutting his craziness out of my life, I'd still see him every now and again around Asbury Park. We went to the same hangouts, so I knew we'd always run into each other. It didn't really bother me because I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, and I knew he couldn't give it to me.
I guess over the past months, he'd grown up a bit and was now ready for me.
Now this is where my mom's teachings helped me out in a big way. She'd always taught me to follow my instincts and not settle for anything less than what I deserved. And as this guy who I (hate to say it) sweated for a few months while he decided if he even wanted me for the long-term asked me to rekindle things, all I could hear was my mom's voice in my ear. She was saying to run like the dickens as fast as I could in the other direction.
So what did I do? I followed my mom's advice. Even though she wasn't here physically, I knew she was with me spiritually. So my response to this man who I was once crazy about, and wanted me again, was to tell him I'd think about it. For me, that's a "no". When I met up with him later in the week, I let him know that it was not going to happen for us. Too much time had past, and I invested too much energy into getting things off the ground with him the last time. Flat out - he exhausted me, and I was getting too old to give 95 percent to another's 5 percent.
So, I'm still single. But I guess I'm happily single, because for the first time in a long time, I didn't settle for just a pretty face.
And this guy, my past, deserves to remain right where he is ... in the past. I need to move onto someone new, so for those guys in my past, you need to stay there.
I'm looking for a new love!
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