I hate to admit it, but I'm one of those men who wears his heart on his sleeve.
You see, I've entered into a liaison - of sorts - with a man who I thoroughly enjoy and love spending time with as much as I possibly can. We have so much in common and he makes me smile, just by looking at me. And just when his hand touches mine, it's like electricity runs through me. The connection is extremely strong, and I even enjoy getting his text messages when we can't see each other.
Very recently, a slow song came on the radio and we just started to dance - right where we were standing. I'm sure that doesn't mean too much to some people, but that type of romantic move is something I don't usually do. I always thought doing that was somewhat hokey and lame, but I don't think that way anymore. He just, literally, swept me off my feet.
Sounds like something you only find in chick flicks or those romantic-comedy movies when the lead characters end up together in the end, after experiencing some bumps in the road and missed connections. Right?
Well that won't happen to us; we won't end up together when all is said and done. I won't go into the details why I know this will not be our destiny. Just believe me when I say that we won't end up together. I'm not being a cynical, pessimistic romantic, either. It's just the way life will happen for us.
I've had this situation on my mind a lot lately. I guess that's why I had the dream that I had last night. Although I'm not sure if it was a dream or a message.
I had a dream about my mother. As most who follow my blog already know, my mother passed away in October. I think she was giving me a message, possibly some advice, about things. I just can't recall a lot of it and I've been trying to piece it together. But I figured that I might not be able to discover the intent of the message, or if it's a message at all.
So I went about my business today. I went to boot camp (which was a real kick in my ass to get in gear). I heard the songs, "Rock Steady" by Aretha Franklin and "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. These were two of the songs that my mother used to play on Sunday mornings on her record player, I believe to get the house in good spirits. I thought it was weird to hear those songs back-to-back, but I chalked it up to just coincidence. When I sing these songs, especially for karaoke, I feel very close to my mother.
Then I went to Munch in Asbury Park to get a little breakfast. Then something odd happened. A friend of mine came in and mentioned to me that he was down Atlantic City, played the slots and didn't win. He went to the Borgata, which was my mother's place of gambling. Another person had mentioned that he was going down today and would be hanging out at Harrah's, which was my mother's other place to gamble in A.C.
It was almost as if my mom was trying to get a message to me again this morning. But I can't figure it out.
Maybe something will happen to clear a path to my understanding. Perhaps Mom is trying to offer me some words of her wisdom.
Time will tell.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone
This past Sunday I went to The Showroom in Asbury Park to see "Edge of Seventeen".
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.
For those who know the film, "Edge of Seventeen" is about a teenager, appropriately named Eric, who is struggling through his senior year as a homosexual not yet ready to come to terms with his sexual orientation. To mask his homosexuality, he enters into a romantic relationship with his best friend Maggie, while simultaneously falling in love with his summer fling, Rod.
My advice is for everyone, gay and straight, to see this film if you get the chance. It will help those in the very same situation understand things a little better, as it will also help those who don't know what it's like to endure such a struggle to have some empathy for gays.
So many individuals in the gay community share Eric's story. And I'm no exception.
I used to hide the fact that I am gay from everyone. I really don't know why I was always so scared to come out. I think things would have been a lot simpler for myself in the long run.
Perhaps it was because I didn't want to lose my parents' respect and love. I am a very religious person, and I figured that all I heard was correct - that God would forsake me if I acknowledged my homosexuality. I know that would never happen, no matter what many in the spiritual community care to say. And no, I'm not going to get bogged down in all the pros and cons about how God will react - mainly because I don't engage in the debate and never will. So don't start the conversation with me when you see me because I will immediately turn and walk in the other direction.
But I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be a gay man and hiding it from everyone. At a certain point in my lfe I'd just gotten to be so tired of all the hiding. Because who was I hiding from, anyway? I was only hiding from myself.
I was "out" twice before I finally stayed "out". The first time, I'd gone to Woody's in Philly with a group of friends who I worked with, and I had a blast. One of my friends invited me to hang out with he and his partner a couple of times after that, and I had fun. But unfortunately, my friend's partner started to dislike my hanging out and became pretty jealous of me. So I just got so tired of the drama (I wasn't prepared for any drama since I'd just wanted to come out in peace) and I reverted back to "the land of straight people".
The second time was a couple of years later. To make a long story short, take the first time, change the names, and you have the same scenario for my second time.
The final time, I decided to do it my way. No drama, no hassles, no partners or boyfriends using me as a scapegoat for their own issues. I chose to make my own path. So I told three people who I knew would let me know what they thought, no matter what.
I told my sister - who gave me unconditional love and support, and didn't change her opinion of me one single bit. To this day, my sister is one of my best friends and closest confidantes.
I told my best female friend, who'd been my best friends for over 25 years. She loved me and remained by my side. She did mention the religious aspect of my decisions, but stood by my side no matter what.
I told my best male friend. His reaction was surprising. We'd always been so politically incorrect and laughed at so many of life's absurdities. We would always do so many crazy things and act stupid just to be stupid. But when I told him, he let me know he didn't understand, wouldn't be comfortable about it, and told me that as long as I didn't bring it around him he'd be fine with me being in his life. Suffice it to say, our camaraderie and close-knit friendship slowly withered away. At this point, we are just Facebook friends and rarely interact. To this day, that hurts me. But he made his choice and so did I.
But nowadays, most everyone knows I'm gay. And if they don't, I don't mind if they do. I am totally comfortable with my decisions, and my choice to acknowledge my sexual orientation and embrace my life wholeheartedly, with no apology.
So when I hear how some young teens and adults are ostracized for making the decision to come out, it just makes me cringe. It's time to start giving back to those young people who are going through the same things we did when we were younger. Even if it's simply talking to our younger gay community and sharing your experiences with them so they don't feel so alone, that would be a start.
I hope, through my blog, novel and writings, I am giving back to the younger gay generation in some way. It's just a start.
But if the young members of the gay community get a chance, they should definitely watch "Edge of Seventeen", if for nothing else but to make certain they avoid Eric's mistakes and, at the same time, embrace his courage and strength.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I've forgotten to make sure I have a worthy back-up plan for the future
In my haste to make sure I do everything on my own, I've neglected to make sure I have some support.
Support in the form of a person who I can turn to when I get older. Someone who would be willing to share my life with me. A man who will be there for me through smooth sailing and rough waters.
Not a life partner.
But a back-up plan.
I never really thought I'd need a back-up plan. But as I get older, I realize that I don't have a significant other to take care of me if I were to get sick.
I guess it hit home for me on Friday night. I'd had a long week of working long hours and went to one of favorite restaurants, The Harrison, for dinner. (An aside - The Harrison will be going through renovations for a couple of weeks, and I hear that it will have a great new look and a new name ... stay tuned!)
But anyway, I was having dinner there, just as I do pretty much every week. And I looked around to see couples, whether in the years-long stage or the beginnings of the getting-together stage. Couples everywhere!
Hell, it looked ... well, it looked nice. Gay, straight, etc. It was just nice to see.
Initially.
And then it hit me that I wasn't one of them. I usually don't care. But for some reason it was different Friday night.
I've always said that I don't need a man to complete me, and who needs the hassles because I can do bad all by myself. In fact, I can get along without another man in my life, right?
Wrong.
I may not need a partner in my life. But I do need a back-up plan. I should have found that back-up plan when I was younger, because in gay years when you're 40 you might as well say that you are in your 50s.
The need for a back-up plan is a fact of my life that I've just been trying to ignore because that would mean I need to face reality. I never figured I'd die alone, but sooner or later reality is going to bite me on the ass and I'll have to acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will.
I have a boatload of good friends; I'm well aware that I have supportive persons out there who care about me and look out for my best interests. And I have a close-knit family who would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I'm blessed in that way, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them.
When my mother passed away a couple of months ago, she was surrounded by loving family and friends. And I know that she knew that she was loved. But am I going to have the same love surrounding me?
I don't mean family and friends - I'm sure I'll have that.
But will I have that enduring, everlasting, unconditional love that my partner would give me at that time? And if not, should I prepare myself to have a back-up, a man in my life who isn't my partner but a person who I can count on to do all the things a partner would do?
One of my old friends just acquired his back-up plan. All my thinking about this issue is thanks to him. I don't live around him anymore since I've moved to Asbury Park, but I guess in the back of my mind I always thought he'd be mine. But as of right now, he's taken. And I'm happy for him.
So begs the question - do you have a back-up plan in your life?
For me, it's the next thing on my to-do list.
Support in the form of a person who I can turn to when I get older. Someone who would be willing to share my life with me. A man who will be there for me through smooth sailing and rough waters.
Not a life partner.
But a back-up plan.
I never really thought I'd need a back-up plan. But as I get older, I realize that I don't have a significant other to take care of me if I were to get sick.
I guess it hit home for me on Friday night. I'd had a long week of working long hours and went to one of favorite restaurants, The Harrison, for dinner. (An aside - The Harrison will be going through renovations for a couple of weeks, and I hear that it will have a great new look and a new name ... stay tuned!)
But anyway, I was having dinner there, just as I do pretty much every week. And I looked around to see couples, whether in the years-long stage or the beginnings of the getting-together stage. Couples everywhere!
Hell, it looked ... well, it looked nice. Gay, straight, etc. It was just nice to see.
Initially.
And then it hit me that I wasn't one of them. I usually don't care. But for some reason it was different Friday night.
I've always said that I don't need a man to complete me, and who needs the hassles because I can do bad all by myself. In fact, I can get along without another man in my life, right?
Wrong.
I may not need a partner in my life. But I do need a back-up plan. I should have found that back-up plan when I was younger, because in gay years when you're 40 you might as well say that you are in your 50s.
The need for a back-up plan is a fact of my life that I've just been trying to ignore because that would mean I need to face reality. I never figured I'd die alone, but sooner or later reality is going to bite me on the ass and I'll have to acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will.
I have a boatload of good friends; I'm well aware that I have supportive persons out there who care about me and look out for my best interests. And I have a close-knit family who would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I'm blessed in that way, and I thank God every day for each and every one of them.
When my mother passed away a couple of months ago, she was surrounded by loving family and friends. And I know that she knew that she was loved. But am I going to have the same love surrounding me?
I don't mean family and friends - I'm sure I'll have that.
But will I have that enduring, everlasting, unconditional love that my partner would give me at that time? And if not, should I prepare myself to have a back-up, a man in my life who isn't my partner but a person who I can count on to do all the things a partner would do?
One of my old friends just acquired his back-up plan. All my thinking about this issue is thanks to him. I don't live around him anymore since I've moved to Asbury Park, but I guess in the back of my mind I always thought he'd be mine. But as of right now, he's taken. And I'm happy for him.
So begs the question - do you have a back-up plan in your life?
For me, it's the next thing on my to-do list.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Just when you think you've mastered all 5 stages of the break-up process ...
I thought I was well through all five stages of the breaking up process, but I realized that was not the case.
Actually I did it in a different order, and I think that may have been the problem.
For those who don't know, the five stages - in order - are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then ultimately, acceptance.
It's been over a year since I broke up with this particular ex-boyfriend. And even though we've been able to manage to hold onto a friendship (part of the bargaining stage), something just kept nagging at me. I was trying to figure out what was "off" about this entire situation. And then it hit me about a month ago.
What I realized, as I encountered him at a local Asbury Park establishment one night, was something I just wasn't prepared to experience.
I was feeling anger. I did go through (at stage 2) a bit of feeling upset. But I never felt angry about him or what he'd put me through during our relationship. When I ran into him last month I realized that I was feeling very angry. Then I immediately felt guilty that I was feeling anger.
I was angry at a lot:
Angry that he held me at arms length because he was insecure in loving me;
Angry that he caused a lot of chaos with my friendships;
Angry that he put his best friend ahead of me in so many aspects of our relationship;
Angry that I ingratiated him into my family with open arms, but he wouldn't let me meet his family;
Angry that I had to consistently hear rumors about him cheating on me - whether the rumors were true or false, I still had to deal with the gossip;
Angry that he always made me feel like I was so much better than he was and I was on a higher level, one he tried desperately to reach;
Angry that I gave him everything - emotionally and financially - throughout our relationship, and he never really gave too much back and hardly ever paid for anything;
Angry that he said that he loved me, but all too often he never showed me that love (or at the level I felt I should have been shown love);
Angry that he made me (and others) feel like I was his Sugar Daddy (when I'm way too young to even be one);
Angry that he couldn't control his alcohol and made a spectacle of himself, and most people thought I should have been babysitting his tantrums while we were out about town;
Angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I let myself do all these things for him, and I felt slightly stupid for providing unconditional love.
But I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with myself.
I guess in some ways I made him feel guilty or inadequate for not being as mature or successful in his life that I felt he should have been at this stage of his life.
But I know why I was angry at myself. I'm just getting past the anger, but I was angry at myself because I allowed him (albeit possibly unconsciously) to cause me to feel guilty for being successful professionally, personally and financially. He caused me to feel like I was too good for him, and like I knew it and lauded it over him.
I was angry and felt guilty because, deep down, I knew he was right. And, God forgive me, I think I still feel that way. And I don't like to feel that way because I don't want to think I might be a snob. Especially since a friend of mine mentioned to me some time ago that when he sees me around Asbury Park, I carry myself like I'm almost regal. He didn't mean it as an insult; only an observation.
But I realize that my ex felt the same way, and that's one of the reasons why he felt like he wasn't on my level.
Don't get me wrong - my ex has a lot of great qualities and he's genuinely a nice person. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him because I learned a lot about myself throughout our relationship.
And I'm glad the anger stage is past me. But I just hope that the next time I go through the break-up process (I have my fingers crossed that if I find romance again I never have to go through a break-up), I go through it in the order that the five stages are laid out.
It'll make things much easier. Or so I hope!
Actually I did it in a different order, and I think that may have been the problem.
For those who don't know, the five stages - in order - are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then ultimately, acceptance.
It's been over a year since I broke up with this particular ex-boyfriend. And even though we've been able to manage to hold onto a friendship (part of the bargaining stage), something just kept nagging at me. I was trying to figure out what was "off" about this entire situation. And then it hit me about a month ago.
What I realized, as I encountered him at a local Asbury Park establishment one night, was something I just wasn't prepared to experience.
I was feeling anger. I did go through (at stage 2) a bit of feeling upset. But I never felt angry about him or what he'd put me through during our relationship. When I ran into him last month I realized that I was feeling very angry. Then I immediately felt guilty that I was feeling anger.
I was angry at a lot:
Angry that he held me at arms length because he was insecure in loving me;
Angry that he caused a lot of chaos with my friendships;
Angry that he put his best friend ahead of me in so many aspects of our relationship;
Angry that I ingratiated him into my family with open arms, but he wouldn't let me meet his family;
Angry that I had to consistently hear rumors about him cheating on me - whether the rumors were true or false, I still had to deal with the gossip;
Angry that he always made me feel like I was so much better than he was and I was on a higher level, one he tried desperately to reach;
Angry that I gave him everything - emotionally and financially - throughout our relationship, and he never really gave too much back and hardly ever paid for anything;
Angry that he said that he loved me, but all too often he never showed me that love (or at the level I felt I should have been shown love);
Angry that he made me (and others) feel like I was his Sugar Daddy (when I'm way too young to even be one);
Angry that he couldn't control his alcohol and made a spectacle of himself, and most people thought I should have been babysitting his tantrums while we were out about town;
Angry at myself.
I was angry at myself because I let myself do all these things for him, and I felt slightly stupid for providing unconditional love.
But I'm not angry anymore. I'm at peace with myself.
I guess in some ways I made him feel guilty or inadequate for not being as mature or successful in his life that I felt he should have been at this stage of his life.
But I know why I was angry at myself. I'm just getting past the anger, but I was angry at myself because I allowed him (albeit possibly unconsciously) to cause me to feel guilty for being successful professionally, personally and financially. He caused me to feel like I was too good for him, and like I knew it and lauded it over him.
I was angry and felt guilty because, deep down, I knew he was right. And, God forgive me, I think I still feel that way. And I don't like to feel that way because I don't want to think I might be a snob. Especially since a friend of mine mentioned to me some time ago that when he sees me around Asbury Park, I carry myself like I'm almost regal. He didn't mean it as an insult; only an observation.
But I realize that my ex felt the same way, and that's one of the reasons why he felt like he wasn't on my level.
Don't get me wrong - my ex has a lot of great qualities and he's genuinely a nice person. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him because I learned a lot about myself throughout our relationship.
And I'm glad the anger stage is past me. But I just hope that the next time I go through the break-up process (I have my fingers crossed that if I find romance again I never have to go through a break-up), I go through it in the order that the five stages are laid out.
It'll make things much easier. Or so I hope!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's impossible to get what you want if you never really say what you want
Out about town last night, I stopped into one of the bars in Asbury Park that I frequent.
And I'm glad that I did. It was very enlightening, and I think I may have a handle on what I need to do in my life to reach the next level.
One of my bartender friends gave me a very profound piece of wisdom. He said to me that you're not going to get what you want from these guys unless you start telling the guys what you want from them. And it was pretty profound, because I guess I do have the fear that if I tell someone what I want from them, then they might think they have power over me and turn me down.
Fear of rejection is a powerful force.
It's so weird that sometimes just someone saying something that deep down you already know, it just makes it easier to do what you need to do.
What prompted my friend to offer me this nugget of advice? Well while at the bar I ran into a guy who I've gone back and forth with, toying with the potential of a romantic involvement. And I've held this guy at arms length for some time, because I just don't trust that anyone will be genuine with their feelings towards me. The fact that my potential suitor hasn't made much progress with me could be my own fault because I don't trust guys at the moment.
So me and my potential suitor sat down and had a long conversation about so many things, and we learned a lot about each other and our lives. It was really good to open up to someone who just wanted to get to know me better. And I really should give him the benefit of the doubt; I need to realize that just because SOME guys have let me down doesn't mean ALL guys will let me down.
I guess you've guessed, if you've been following my blog, that I've been hurt and disappointed by men in the past. But I let them hurt and disappoint me. It's time to take that power back and put it into my own hands ... back where it belongs.
So the advice is something I've known for some time, but I was just afraid to acknowledge that I'm okay with expressing what I want because I deserve what I want. And if I don't tell people what I want, I ain't gonna get it.
So I'm going to tell people what I want, and I'm going to start getting what I deserve.
So here I go ...
I want a relationship, and I want someone to shower me with romance;
I don't want the casual sex but I do want the passion that goes into a sexual relationship;
I want guys who are interested in a strong, sensitive black man to approach me correct, because these guys who approach me and find themselves taken aback when they realize I'm not hood, but I am one black man who has intelligence, a successful career, financial stability and I can hold a conversation past "whazzup?" (I mean, really? I've been told that I'm the whitest black man people have ever met ... and they're 100% correct in that assessment);
I want love from a man who doesn't see me as a dollar sign, a bank account with a smile;
I want it all!
So now I've spelled it out, and hopefully things will get better and I'll get what I want.
And I'm glad that I did. It was very enlightening, and I think I may have a handle on what I need to do in my life to reach the next level.
One of my bartender friends gave me a very profound piece of wisdom. He said to me that you're not going to get what you want from these guys unless you start telling the guys what you want from them. And it was pretty profound, because I guess I do have the fear that if I tell someone what I want from them, then they might think they have power over me and turn me down.
Fear of rejection is a powerful force.
It's so weird that sometimes just someone saying something that deep down you already know, it just makes it easier to do what you need to do.
What prompted my friend to offer me this nugget of advice? Well while at the bar I ran into a guy who I've gone back and forth with, toying with the potential of a romantic involvement. And I've held this guy at arms length for some time, because I just don't trust that anyone will be genuine with their feelings towards me. The fact that my potential suitor hasn't made much progress with me could be my own fault because I don't trust guys at the moment.
So me and my potential suitor sat down and had a long conversation about so many things, and we learned a lot about each other and our lives. It was really good to open up to someone who just wanted to get to know me better. And I really should give him the benefit of the doubt; I need to realize that just because SOME guys have let me down doesn't mean ALL guys will let me down.
I guess you've guessed, if you've been following my blog, that I've been hurt and disappointed by men in the past. But I let them hurt and disappoint me. It's time to take that power back and put it into my own hands ... back where it belongs.
So the advice is something I've known for some time, but I was just afraid to acknowledge that I'm okay with expressing what I want because I deserve what I want. And if I don't tell people what I want, I ain't gonna get it.
So I'm going to tell people what I want, and I'm going to start getting what I deserve.
So here I go ...
I want a relationship, and I want someone to shower me with romance;
I don't want the casual sex but I do want the passion that goes into a sexual relationship;
I want guys who are interested in a strong, sensitive black man to approach me correct, because these guys who approach me and find themselves taken aback when they realize I'm not hood, but I am one black man who has intelligence, a successful career, financial stability and I can hold a conversation past "whazzup?" (I mean, really? I've been told that I'm the whitest black man people have ever met ... and they're 100% correct in that assessment);
I want love from a man who doesn't see me as a dollar sign, a bank account with a smile;
I want it all!
So now I've spelled it out, and hopefully things will get better and I'll get what I want.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sometimes I wish that my love life was just like my favorite love songs
I had dinner with my golden girls last night, and they mentioned something to me that I was not aware of. They were worried about me because of one of my most recent blog posts. So I just re-read it, and I can totally understand why they were worried about me.
I'm glad that I have close people in my life who will look out for me. I think that's the best thing about living in Asbury Park and enjoying the gay scene in the city.
It's a drastic opposite of some things that I dislike about the city's gay scene. Last week I went to the Miss Paradise Pageant. It was very long, and I guess they wanted to showcase every single drag performer in Asbury Park and the surrounding area. I was intending to do a write-up on the pageant, but it went way, way too long for me to write anything about it. I mean, really? The pageant only had 4 contestants; it shouldn't have taken almost four hours to crown a drag queen as the next Miss Paradise. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. But to be honest, the drag queens who performed gave their all and they did a fantastic job!
I was sort of surprised that I went anyway, because I did something very nice for one of the past Miss Paradise drag queens, and she didn't even say "thank you". That left a very sour taste in my mouth, but no big deal I guess because one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, right?
So there's always good and bad within the gay community in this city.
But I digress ...
The point of this blog really breaks down to a love song. I was working out at the gym and one of my favorite love songs came on my iPod. It's not really the type of love song like "Truly" by Lionel Richie or "At Last" by Etta James.
This song is by the Jets, an '80s love song called "You've Got It All". That song, I wish, was one I could relate to right now. It's about a person who is in a new relationship, and they realize that the new person has finally made all the bad things perpetrated on them by their previous lover just fade away. Because the new person has given their all into making them forget all the horrific acts be the past love of their life.
I would like that in my life. I guess everyone wants a new love to help them forgive all the past misdeeds by their past loves. I think that's one of the reasons why my golden girls were so worried about me. I know me, and I know that I really don't need someone to help me get over my demons of the past.
When I read my past blog over again, I could actually feel the anger and loss in my words. I was having a mini-meltdown because I was so stressed from working so much, missing my mother and dealing with the crazy guys who've been interested in me and who've jerked me around. But I'm better now.
I'm also ready for a new love to bust into my life and show me as much love, passion and understanding as I know I, myself, am capable of doling out. But I'm not going to chase it down like I've done in the past. This time, they are going to chase after me. It's going to be an even trade by me and my future guy. No more me giving 80 percent and the other person giving 20 percent. It needs to be 50-50 or it won't work. I've learned my lesson.
So perhaps my love life will follow the lyrics of "You've Got It All" and my future guy will have it all over all the rest of my previous suitors.
One can only hope.
I'm glad that I have close people in my life who will look out for me. I think that's the best thing about living in Asbury Park and enjoying the gay scene in the city.
It's a drastic opposite of some things that I dislike about the city's gay scene. Last week I went to the Miss Paradise Pageant. It was very long, and I guess they wanted to showcase every single drag performer in Asbury Park and the surrounding area. I was intending to do a write-up on the pageant, but it went way, way too long for me to write anything about it. I mean, really? The pageant only had 4 contestants; it shouldn't have taken almost four hours to crown a drag queen as the next Miss Paradise. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. But to be honest, the drag queens who performed gave their all and they did a fantastic job!
I was sort of surprised that I went anyway, because I did something very nice for one of the past Miss Paradise drag queens, and she didn't even say "thank you". That left a very sour taste in my mouth, but no big deal I guess because one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, right?
So there's always good and bad within the gay community in this city.
But I digress ...
The point of this blog really breaks down to a love song. I was working out at the gym and one of my favorite love songs came on my iPod. It's not really the type of love song like "Truly" by Lionel Richie or "At Last" by Etta James.
This song is by the Jets, an '80s love song called "You've Got It All". That song, I wish, was one I could relate to right now. It's about a person who is in a new relationship, and they realize that the new person has finally made all the bad things perpetrated on them by their previous lover just fade away. Because the new person has given their all into making them forget all the horrific acts be the past love of their life.
I would like that in my life. I guess everyone wants a new love to help them forgive all the past misdeeds by their past loves. I think that's one of the reasons why my golden girls were so worried about me. I know me, and I know that I really don't need someone to help me get over my demons of the past.
When I read my past blog over again, I could actually feel the anger and loss in my words. I was having a mini-meltdown because I was so stressed from working so much, missing my mother and dealing with the crazy guys who've been interested in me and who've jerked me around. But I'm better now.
I'm also ready for a new love to bust into my life and show me as much love, passion and understanding as I know I, myself, am capable of doling out. But I'm not going to chase it down like I've done in the past. This time, they are going to chase after me. It's going to be an even trade by me and my future guy. No more me giving 80 percent and the other person giving 20 percent. It needs to be 50-50 or it won't work. I've learned my lesson.
So perhaps my love life will follow the lyrics of "You've Got It All" and my future guy will have it all over all the rest of my previous suitors.
One can only hope.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Things always look better in the morning ... or so I've been told
This has been one long, difficult week. And now that I've completed my therapy session this morning (washing and folding laundry), I can reflect on this week.
I've been working a lot, and I'm just burned out! It's time for a vacation - or should I say furcation - and I'm counting down the minutes (7 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact) that I can just relax and let all the stress go from my life.
This past week, I've been through the ringer - literally. Last Sunday I went to a pre-Valentine's Day dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was fun, and I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that we are friends and that I'm ready to move on. And I proved that to myself. See I guess that I was one of those hopeless disciples who just likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. So since I know that we can be friends, I can move on with a clear conscience.
A good thing to boost my ego happened on Valentine's Day. I was invited to dinner by two guys who I've had a passing fancy for recently. One of them - I am just so over him and all his drama and putting up with his wishy-washy personality. To be blunt, he dresses poorly for a gay man and I love fashion. So turning him down was a no-brainer on my part. The other guy, I am attracted to, I must admit. But I knew that if I opened that Pandora's box, there'd be no closing it. I like him, but I don't even want to go down that road because usually that road I travel ends up rolling straight off the edge of a cliff. And I just don't want to be bothered right now.
And I'm glad I've been following my instinct and self-analyzation ... my gut never lies. Because last night I decided to go to Club Paradise and ran into the both of these guys, in addition to my ex-boyfriend. My ex was hanging all over this guy like cheap cologne lingers on the body scent of someone exercising who refuses to wash it off before he works out at the gym! And the other two guys - well let's just say I guess one of them was experiencing a bout of "hard feelings" towards me. The other one did say "hi" but acted like I'd hurt his feelings or I was avoiding him. After all, I never told him I never wanted to go to dinner with him, I just told him I wasn't able to go out with him on Valentine's Day.
But you know what - all of this shade they are throwing my way is the exact reason why my motto is - whatever someone thinks about me is none of my business! And it's so true ... say it to yourself three times quickly and you'll feel awesome.
And this week was difficult because I had to travel back to my hometown on Wednesday to sign some papers and I stopped by my mother's gravesite to see her. The cemetery still has her gravesite in disarray, and the person who's buried next to her is still somewhat of an open grave; they haven't totally filled in the dirt on that person's grave. So you can imagine my feelings when I had to witness this scene. It still stings me greatly because I still feel like my mother's not at peace. And that's what I've been trying to acknowledge - that mom's at peace. And I can't be at peace with her death until she is finally in a good place.
So right now all I want is an ice cream cone. My mom always said that I made the best homemade ice cream cones. I never knew why she said that, but I'd make her the best ice cream cone I've ever made in my life if she were still here to eat it.
I guess everyone always thinks that way.
All I know is that my mom would have been so proud of me for letting go of these guys who are toads and just aren't right for me, and holding out for my prince. I used to always want to turn the toads into the princes, but I'm too old and - hopefully - wise to waste my time and energy in the efforts it takes to build the perfect beast.
I've tried to build the perfect beast in all my past relationships. From now on, I'm only giving my time, energy, efforts and passion to the guy who is already the prince.
Because he, in turn, would be getting a prince himself! No bragging, only acknowledging ...
Jus sayin'! :)
I've been working a lot, and I'm just burned out! It's time for a vacation - or should I say furcation - and I'm counting down the minutes (7 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 5 seconds to be exact) that I can just relax and let all the stress go from my life.
This past week, I've been through the ringer - literally. Last Sunday I went to a pre-Valentine's Day dinner with my ex-boyfriend. It was fun, and I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that we are friends and that I'm ready to move on. And I proved that to myself. See I guess that I was one of those hopeless disciples who just likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. So since I know that we can be friends, I can move on with a clear conscience.
A good thing to boost my ego happened on Valentine's Day. I was invited to dinner by two guys who I've had a passing fancy for recently. One of them - I am just so over him and all his drama and putting up with his wishy-washy personality. To be blunt, he dresses poorly for a gay man and I love fashion. So turning him down was a no-brainer on my part. The other guy, I am attracted to, I must admit. But I knew that if I opened that Pandora's box, there'd be no closing it. I like him, but I don't even want to go down that road because usually that road I travel ends up rolling straight off the edge of a cliff. And I just don't want to be bothered right now.
And I'm glad I've been following my instinct and self-analyzation ... my gut never lies. Because last night I decided to go to Club Paradise and ran into the both of these guys, in addition to my ex-boyfriend. My ex was hanging all over this guy like cheap cologne lingers on the body scent of someone exercising who refuses to wash it off before he works out at the gym! And the other two guys - well let's just say I guess one of them was experiencing a bout of "hard feelings" towards me. The other one did say "hi" but acted like I'd hurt his feelings or I was avoiding him. After all, I never told him I never wanted to go to dinner with him, I just told him I wasn't able to go out with him on Valentine's Day.
But you know what - all of this shade they are throwing my way is the exact reason why my motto is - whatever someone thinks about me is none of my business! And it's so true ... say it to yourself three times quickly and you'll feel awesome.
And this week was difficult because I had to travel back to my hometown on Wednesday to sign some papers and I stopped by my mother's gravesite to see her. The cemetery still has her gravesite in disarray, and the person who's buried next to her is still somewhat of an open grave; they haven't totally filled in the dirt on that person's grave. So you can imagine my feelings when I had to witness this scene. It still stings me greatly because I still feel like my mother's not at peace. And that's what I've been trying to acknowledge - that mom's at peace. And I can't be at peace with her death until she is finally in a good place.
So right now all I want is an ice cream cone. My mom always said that I made the best homemade ice cream cones. I never knew why she said that, but I'd make her the best ice cream cone I've ever made in my life if she were still here to eat it.
I guess everyone always thinks that way.
All I know is that my mom would have been so proud of me for letting go of these guys who are toads and just aren't right for me, and holding out for my prince. I used to always want to turn the toads into the princes, but I'm too old and - hopefully - wise to waste my time and energy in the efforts it takes to build the perfect beast.
I've tried to build the perfect beast in all my past relationships. From now on, I'm only giving my time, energy, efforts and passion to the guy who is already the prince.
Because he, in turn, would be getting a prince himself! No bragging, only acknowledging ...
Jus sayin'! :)
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