I've made no secret that I would love to be in a committed relationship with a man that I care about. Some guys are just that way, and I'm one of them.
I haven't had too much luck in that department, as I've only had 2 boyfriends of significance in my life.
But a few weeks ago, a guy who I was pretty crazy over and who I'd gone out with on about a dozen dates (or as I like to call them, encounters) reached out to me and asked if I would let him back into my life and if we could pick up where we left off.
I knew last year that he wasn't ready for what I had to offer. He would always go back and forth, wanting to venture into a commitment and then backing away from me. This went on for far too long, and then after awhile of being this guy's yo-yo, I decided to cut him loose and stop the cycle.
Even after cutting his craziness out of my life, I'd still see him every now and again around Asbury Park. We went to the same hangouts, so I knew we'd always run into each other. It didn't really bother me because I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, and I knew he couldn't give it to me.
I guess over the past months, he'd grown up a bit and was now ready for me.
Now this is where my mom's teachings helped me out in a big way. She'd always taught me to follow my instincts and not settle for anything less than what I deserved. And as this guy who I (hate to say it) sweated for a few months while he decided if he even wanted me for the long-term asked me to rekindle things, all I could hear was my mom's voice in my ear. She was saying to run like the dickens as fast as I could in the other direction.
So what did I do? I followed my mom's advice. Even though she wasn't here physically, I knew she was with me spiritually. So my response to this man who I was once crazy about, and wanted me again, was to tell him I'd think about it. For me, that's a "no". When I met up with him later in the week, I let him know that it was not going to happen for us. Too much time had past, and I invested too much energy into getting things off the ground with him the last time. Flat out - he exhausted me, and I was getting too old to give 95 percent to another's 5 percent.
So, I'm still single. But I guess I'm happily single, because for the first time in a long time, I didn't settle for just a pretty face.
And this guy, my past, deserves to remain right where he is ... in the past. I need to move onto someone new, so for those guys in my past, you need to stay there.
I'm looking for a new love!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Ruben's World Gallery sparks the imagination, inspires the soul
If you want to be inspired by great digital photography and artwork, you should head over to Ruben's World Gallery.
The gallery, owned by Ruben Martinez, is located at 723 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park. As Martinez says on his website, for more than 6 years he has contributed to the city that he refers to as a "Jewel by the sea" by donating his artwork to restaurants and worthy benefits.
When visiting Martinez's gallery, you'll be in awe of the mesmerizing pieces on display. He has dedicated years to showing his talents on the canvas, and the years of hard work are evident in his work.
On First Saturday Asbury Park - a staple in the city - Martinez showcases the works of different artists at his gallery. On this night, shops and galleries are open late, music is everywhere and the city comes alive. This occurs on the first Saturday of every month.
"As a child I was always drawn to shiny and colorful objects or anything with a unique shape or texture. I have always had a deep and passionate appreciation for art in many mediums like free-hand drawing, painting, ceramic, ostrich egg creation, sculpture, and last but not least photography," Martinez says on his website.
The gallery's hours are 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily, or by appointment. You can contact Martinez at his gallery, (732) 222-1639, or via email at rubenamartinez@gmail.com.
Visit Martinez's website at http://www.rubensworldgallery.com to learn more about the photography and artwork, his upcoming exhibits, and the artists being featured.
The gallery, owned by Ruben Martinez, is located at 723 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park. As Martinez says on his website, for more than 6 years he has contributed to the city that he refers to as a "Jewel by the sea" by donating his artwork to restaurants and worthy benefits.
When visiting Martinez's gallery, you'll be in awe of the mesmerizing pieces on display. He has dedicated years to showing his talents on the canvas, and the years of hard work are evident in his work.
On First Saturday Asbury Park - a staple in the city - Martinez showcases the works of different artists at his gallery. On this night, shops and galleries are open late, music is everywhere and the city comes alive. This occurs on the first Saturday of every month.
"As a child I was always drawn to shiny and colorful objects or anything with a unique shape or texture. I have always had a deep and passionate appreciation for art in many mediums like free-hand drawing, painting, ceramic, ostrich egg creation, sculpture, and last but not least photography," Martinez says on his website.
The gallery's hours are 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily, or by appointment. You can contact Martinez at his gallery, (732) 222-1639, or via email at rubenamartinez@gmail.com.
Visit Martinez's website at http://www.rubensworldgallery.com to learn more about the photography and artwork, his upcoming exhibits, and the artists being featured.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
In retrospect: My top 5 posts of 2011
As 2011 has come and gone, I'm pretty happy that my blog, "Living in the gay scene of Asbury Park", has received more page views and has become more popular. When I began my blog in 2010, it was as a way of expressing my happiness, anger, dissatisfaction and my observations as a gay man who had planted himself in Asbury Park, the gay capital of New Jersey.
I've been through a lot of ups and downs while living in the fair city of Asbury Park. I made a boatload of friends, a lot of acquaintances, and even come across some people who have no idea what to think of me. I'm no Pollyanna, but suffice to say, I haven't been footloose either. The only times people see the outlandish side of me is when they put a microphone in my hands during karaoke, or when I hit the dancing floor at Paradise or one of the other many dance clubs. Dancing and singing karaoke are two of my favorite things to do, and thank God that he allows me to do both.
This past year has also showed me that I do have inner strength. I was cut from my job that I devoted my life to doing the best job I could, and when I thought that I wouldn't be able to get my life back together, I picked my butt up and changed gears. I also had to deal with a lot of repercussions and heartache following my mother's death. That was difficult for me because I couldn't spend a lot of time with my mother for different reasons and I blamed myself for a lot of issues and situations between us.
But as we are now in 2012, it was evident that 2011 was a significant year for so many people. I grew further into my gay life in a lot of ways, thanks to some valuable people:
1) my golden girls, who let me be crazy, humble, flirtatious and downright nuts ...
2) my Broadway boy, who allowed me to show him my sensitive and vulnerable side (and was instrumental in showing me that playing Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Lena Horne, Patti Lupone and Liza Minelli on jukeboxes was right on the money) ...
3) some bartender friends who watched out for me, gave me some sound advice on survival in this city, and had my back, even when I didn't know they had my back ...
4) my lesbians, who for some of them, showed me that I can always count of them. I look at these gals as ones I can get crazy with, get some solid advice from, and who I can cry on their shoulders when I need a girl's sympathetic ear ...
5) a few of my gay boyz, who showed me I can call them my besties and have shown me that in some serious situations, all you need are some drinks, a little banter, and a hell of a lot of loud laughter to get through the day.
So, as I look back on 2011, here are my top 5 blog posts of the year ...
#5) "Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary" from Feb. 13th. I think this is the post that had some of my friends and readers worried that I had about enough with Asbury Park and its citizens. Also, I posted this blog after I was stood up by someone in my life, and a friend of mine gave me some interesting news.
#4) "I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone" from April 6th. I posted this blog entry after seeing the gay-themed movie, "Edge of Seventeen", and was reflecting on my own struggles when dealing with coming out and dealing with the fear of losing those closest to me.
#3) "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult" from Dec. 28th. Now this blog post was just a little observation of mine, but it got a lot of page views because some individuals were very interested in the minority angle and how it related to the city's bars and restaurants. I didn't even think it was going to get a lot of views, nor start some serious dialogue. But it did, and I'm glad it did.
#2) "A friend called me a prude, and I have to admit, he was right on the money" from Sept. 18th. This post was inspired by a couple of my friends who thought I might need to reevaluate how I interacted with other gay men if I wanted to find a boyfriend. And I had to admit that they were correct in their assessment of me. It was difficult to admit it, and I knew it was time for change.
#1) "I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them" from June 13th. I must admit, this was one of my favorite blog entries as well. This post was inspired by some questions from a good friend of mine. I would always talk with her about my gay friends, and I'd forget that the terms I was using to describe them, she had no idea what they meant. So I decided to analyze what each category meant in the world of gay, and so many people thought it was not only insightful, but hilarious! It started so much conversation, and that's what this blog is all about.
So I'm glad that you enjoyed my blog, and as 2012 is upon us, I hope I'll have many more blog posts that will spark conversation and debates, let us look into ourselves and do some self-analyzation, and make us laugh out loud!
I've been through a lot of ups and downs while living in the fair city of Asbury Park. I made a boatload of friends, a lot of acquaintances, and even come across some people who have no idea what to think of me. I'm no Pollyanna, but suffice to say, I haven't been footloose either. The only times people see the outlandish side of me is when they put a microphone in my hands during karaoke, or when I hit the dancing floor at Paradise or one of the other many dance clubs. Dancing and singing karaoke are two of my favorite things to do, and thank God that he allows me to do both.
This past year has also showed me that I do have inner strength. I was cut from my job that I devoted my life to doing the best job I could, and when I thought that I wouldn't be able to get my life back together, I picked my butt up and changed gears. I also had to deal with a lot of repercussions and heartache following my mother's death. That was difficult for me because I couldn't spend a lot of time with my mother for different reasons and I blamed myself for a lot of issues and situations between us.
But as we are now in 2012, it was evident that 2011 was a significant year for so many people. I grew further into my gay life in a lot of ways, thanks to some valuable people:
1) my golden girls, who let me be crazy, humble, flirtatious and downright nuts ...
2) my Broadway boy, who allowed me to show him my sensitive and vulnerable side (and was instrumental in showing me that playing Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Lena Horne, Patti Lupone and Liza Minelli on jukeboxes was right on the money) ...
3) some bartender friends who watched out for me, gave me some sound advice on survival in this city, and had my back, even when I didn't know they had my back ...
4) my lesbians, who for some of them, showed me that I can always count of them. I look at these gals as ones I can get crazy with, get some solid advice from, and who I can cry on their shoulders when I need a girl's sympathetic ear ...
5) a few of my gay boyz, who showed me I can call them my besties and have shown me that in some serious situations, all you need are some drinks, a little banter, and a hell of a lot of loud laughter to get through the day.
So, as I look back on 2011, here are my top 5 blog posts of the year ...
#5) "Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary" from Feb. 13th. I think this is the post that had some of my friends and readers worried that I had about enough with Asbury Park and its citizens. Also, I posted this blog after I was stood up by someone in my life, and a friend of mine gave me some interesting news.
#4) "I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone" from April 6th. I posted this blog entry after seeing the gay-themed movie, "Edge of Seventeen", and was reflecting on my own struggles when dealing with coming out and dealing with the fear of losing those closest to me.
#3) "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult" from Dec. 28th. Now this blog post was just a little observation of mine, but it got a lot of page views because some individuals were very interested in the minority angle and how it related to the city's bars and restaurants. I didn't even think it was going to get a lot of views, nor start some serious dialogue. But it did, and I'm glad it did.
#2) "A friend called me a prude, and I have to admit, he was right on the money" from Sept. 18th. This post was inspired by a couple of my friends who thought I might need to reevaluate how I interacted with other gay men if I wanted to find a boyfriend. And I had to admit that they were correct in their assessment of me. It was difficult to admit it, and I knew it was time for change.
#1) "I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them" from June 13th. I must admit, this was one of my favorite blog entries as well. This post was inspired by some questions from a good friend of mine. I would always talk with her about my gay friends, and I'd forget that the terms I was using to describe them, she had no idea what they meant. So I decided to analyze what each category meant in the world of gay, and so many people thought it was not only insightful, but hilarious! It started so much conversation, and that's what this blog is all about.
So I'm glad that you enjoyed my blog, and as 2012 is upon us, I hope I'll have many more blog posts that will spark conversation and debates, let us look into ourselves and do some self-analyzation, and make us laugh out loud!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult?
I've recently had to reinvent myself. The company and career that I devoted almost 60 hours a week burning myself out on cut my position (and me) due to the poor economy and cutbacks in the industry. After spending a little while assessing my life and what I truly wanted to do with my life, I finally figured out what I needed to do to be satisfied.
I knew that I wanted to follow my dream of becoming a teacher. To supplement my income until I finished schooling for my teaching certification, I knew that bartending would be a great thing to do. I felt like bartending would be a profession that I'd enjoy, and during the summers when school was out of session, I could bartend.
I entered bartending school and studied the hundreds of cocktails and how to make them correctly. I mixed drinks and memorized the formulas night and day for a few weeks. I studied the different types of alcohols, where they were from, how to mix them correctly, and the right amount of alcohol to use.
And after the weeks of studying, mixing and throwing myself into the world of mixology, the final testings and exams were finally here. And I think I did cartwheels when I passed the testing with flying colors and acheived my certification. Hot damn, I was a certified mixologist. I was gung-ho to jump into the bartending arena. Nothing could stop me now.
Or so I thought.
I've sent out dozens of resumes, filled out a slew of applications at dozens and dozens of bars, restaurants and establishments all along the Jersey Shore (and most everywhere in Asbury Park) and in New York City and Philadelphia. No one is hiring me. And to top it off, even the places that are actively seeking a bartender are passing me by. They want experience in the bars, and even though I kicked ass in bartending school, that may not be enough for these businesses.
Well, how do these businesses expect me to get experience behind the bars unless they give me the opportunity to do so? If anyone has a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.
Now I've never been a proponent of affirmative action. After all, I broke down the doors in the publishing industry by busting my ass to be the best editor I could be, and I never wanted any help in climbing the ladder at any newspaper or magazine I worked at; working long hours and giving 150 percent to all my projects was what I had to do to move up the ladder in my companies. My work always spoke for itself, and I didn't want to be given a chance just because I was a minority.
Right now, after going through the hell I've gone through in the past few months, my thinking has been slightly altered with regards to affirmative action. Everyone is looking for a job, and I will take whatever help I can get to snag a new job. Working is my life, and want to take my life back!
Now I am sure that all these establishments have done their best to make sure they have hired their fair share of minorities. And I don't want to jump up on my soapbox and rock the boat. But in Asbury Park alone, I think I've been able to count the number of black bartenders on one hand. On the outer parts of Asbury and along the Shore, there may be a few more.
Now maybe only a handful of black bartenders have applied for these jobs, but when I go into some of these places, it hits me like a ton of bricks. To make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill, I would revisit some of these places to make sure I wasn't missing anything or that there were minorities working on other shifts. But not too much luck in that; it's possible I just missed them.
I even asked a couple of the places how many minorities they have bartending. One said they had to get back to me; another one told me that's not information they can give out. Really?!?
I'm not trying to offend any of these establishments with my feelings on this issue, because this is just my opinion (I repeat - MY OPINION). But as my frustration grows, I'm at a loss because the level of race breakdown is appearing to be disproportionate in the numbers.
Again, all this is my opinion and this is just my venting on a subject that I think needs to be discussed - if not openly, then in people's minds. I feel that this issue is not really discussed in open forums any longer because people may think it's a moot point.
Maybe it is a moot point and I'm just talking nonsense, thinking too much and wearing my heart and conscience on my sleeve. It wouldn't be the first time. But what if I'm not and this is an issue that needs to be revisited? Who would it hurt?
Better yet ... who would it help?
I knew that I wanted to follow my dream of becoming a teacher. To supplement my income until I finished schooling for my teaching certification, I knew that bartending would be a great thing to do. I felt like bartending would be a profession that I'd enjoy, and during the summers when school was out of session, I could bartend.
I entered bartending school and studied the hundreds of cocktails and how to make them correctly. I mixed drinks and memorized the formulas night and day for a few weeks. I studied the different types of alcohols, where they were from, how to mix them correctly, and the right amount of alcohol to use.
And after the weeks of studying, mixing and throwing myself into the world of mixology, the final testings and exams were finally here. And I think I did cartwheels when I passed the testing with flying colors and acheived my certification. Hot damn, I was a certified mixologist. I was gung-ho to jump into the bartending arena. Nothing could stop me now.
Or so I thought.
I've sent out dozens of resumes, filled out a slew of applications at dozens and dozens of bars, restaurants and establishments all along the Jersey Shore (and most everywhere in Asbury Park) and in New York City and Philadelphia. No one is hiring me. And to top it off, even the places that are actively seeking a bartender are passing me by. They want experience in the bars, and even though I kicked ass in bartending school, that may not be enough for these businesses.
Well, how do these businesses expect me to get experience behind the bars unless they give me the opportunity to do so? If anyone has a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.
Now I've never been a proponent of affirmative action. After all, I broke down the doors in the publishing industry by busting my ass to be the best editor I could be, and I never wanted any help in climbing the ladder at any newspaper or magazine I worked at; working long hours and giving 150 percent to all my projects was what I had to do to move up the ladder in my companies. My work always spoke for itself, and I didn't want to be given a chance just because I was a minority.
Right now, after going through the hell I've gone through in the past few months, my thinking has been slightly altered with regards to affirmative action. Everyone is looking for a job, and I will take whatever help I can get to snag a new job. Working is my life, and want to take my life back!
Now I am sure that all these establishments have done their best to make sure they have hired their fair share of minorities. And I don't want to jump up on my soapbox and rock the boat. But in Asbury Park alone, I think I've been able to count the number of black bartenders on one hand. On the outer parts of Asbury and along the Shore, there may be a few more.
Now maybe only a handful of black bartenders have applied for these jobs, but when I go into some of these places, it hits me like a ton of bricks. To make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill, I would revisit some of these places to make sure I wasn't missing anything or that there were minorities working on other shifts. But not too much luck in that; it's possible I just missed them.
I even asked a couple of the places how many minorities they have bartending. One said they had to get back to me; another one told me that's not information they can give out. Really?!?
I'm not trying to offend any of these establishments with my feelings on this issue, because this is just my opinion (I repeat - MY OPINION). But as my frustration grows, I'm at a loss because the level of race breakdown is appearing to be disproportionate in the numbers.
Again, all this is my opinion and this is just my venting on a subject that I think needs to be discussed - if not openly, then in people's minds. I feel that this issue is not really discussed in open forums any longer because people may think it's a moot point.
Maybe it is a moot point and I'm just talking nonsense, thinking too much and wearing my heart and conscience on my sleeve. It wouldn't be the first time. But what if I'm not and this is an issue that needs to be revisited? Who would it hurt?
Better yet ... who would it help?
Monday, December 19, 2011
Don't worry ... your man's probably not hot enough to handle these guys
I was out Saturday night dancing at a club in Asbury, and while out, my friends and I made a very odd observation.
There was a small party at the club, and it was a bunch of straight couples. Every now and again the club has parties there with straight couples and they are a blast to party with, but this time, it was a bit disturbing.
I'm sure the ladies knew that they were partying in a gay establishment, and it's not only because the place was flanked with guys hanging out in groups and dancing freely with each other on the dance floor. I mean, really, the club advertises that it's gay.
But how did we know they were incredibly astute to their surroundings? Because the women were holding onto their men for dear life. These women were leading their men along with them holding their hands as tight as a mother holds her young child so they don't lose their grip and run off. They had their arms intertwined with their guys, almost suffocating them in a death grip. We even noticed a woman literally attached to their man's back, as if they were Siamese twins. Usually that's a sexy look and oh-so-cute, but not this time.
Now I know that some of us gay men do hit on any guy with a pulse. But to be honest, these women were not particularly attractive, and their men were no prettier.
So why did these women act this way in a gay establishment? Fear.
Fear that their men would be vulnerable to being flirted with and hit on by a gay man. Fear that their relationships weren't strong enough to survive a knowing glance from another fella.
It was so funny that it was tragic ... and insulting. Women, I think for the most part, you all are amazing people who should be admired. I do feel that way about the women I know, whether straight or gay. But if I don't know you, it would be my opinion that you really don't need to worry that I'm going to steal your man. I don't go after straight dudes ... they are too much trouble.
When I overheard one of these women say to her man "Just don't even engage or act like you are flirting with these guys because they don't know their boundaries", well I went from thinking this travesty was tragic, to thinking that it is becoming downright insulting.
Most straight women who come into these gay clubs are either just hanging with their girls for a night of crazy dancing with a bunch of guys who they don't have to worry about impressing, or they are involved in a bachelorette party. I love when these women are around, because they know how to act when they are around the gay community in the club.
But when these desperate housewives (and I'm not saying all housewives who come in there are desperate or insulting) hang out in the club, don't insult the gay community by making snarky comments about us gay men being desperate enough to try to steal their husbands. Your man is probably not hot enough ... and as in this past weekend's occurrence, that statement is so on the money.
So women, please chill out and just relax! Enjoy the music, dancing and alcohol, and stop worrying that your man is going to be a gay man's next conquest. And straight guys, stop letting your wives, girlfriends and significant female companions treat you like you're property and drag you around the club like you are attached at the hip ... it makes you look whipped!
I love you all, now go out and party!
There was a small party at the club, and it was a bunch of straight couples. Every now and again the club has parties there with straight couples and they are a blast to party with, but this time, it was a bit disturbing.
I'm sure the ladies knew that they were partying in a gay establishment, and it's not only because the place was flanked with guys hanging out in groups and dancing freely with each other on the dance floor. I mean, really, the club advertises that it's gay.
But how did we know they were incredibly astute to their surroundings? Because the women were holding onto their men for dear life. These women were leading their men along with them holding their hands as tight as a mother holds her young child so they don't lose their grip and run off. They had their arms intertwined with their guys, almost suffocating them in a death grip. We even noticed a woman literally attached to their man's back, as if they were Siamese twins. Usually that's a sexy look and oh-so-cute, but not this time.
Now I know that some of us gay men do hit on any guy with a pulse. But to be honest, these women were not particularly attractive, and their men were no prettier.
So why did these women act this way in a gay establishment? Fear.
Fear that their men would be vulnerable to being flirted with and hit on by a gay man. Fear that their relationships weren't strong enough to survive a knowing glance from another fella.
It was so funny that it was tragic ... and insulting. Women, I think for the most part, you all are amazing people who should be admired. I do feel that way about the women I know, whether straight or gay. But if I don't know you, it would be my opinion that you really don't need to worry that I'm going to steal your man. I don't go after straight dudes ... they are too much trouble.
When I overheard one of these women say to her man "Just don't even engage or act like you are flirting with these guys because they don't know their boundaries", well I went from thinking this travesty was tragic, to thinking that it is becoming downright insulting.
Most straight women who come into these gay clubs are either just hanging with their girls for a night of crazy dancing with a bunch of guys who they don't have to worry about impressing, or they are involved in a bachelorette party. I love when these women are around, because they know how to act when they are around the gay community in the club.
But when these desperate housewives (and I'm not saying all housewives who come in there are desperate or insulting) hang out in the club, don't insult the gay community by making snarky comments about us gay men being desperate enough to try to steal their husbands. Your man is probably not hot enough ... and as in this past weekend's occurrence, that statement is so on the money.
So women, please chill out and just relax! Enjoy the music, dancing and alcohol, and stop worrying that your man is going to be a gay man's next conquest. And straight guys, stop letting your wives, girlfriends and significant female companions treat you like you're property and drag you around the club like you are attached at the hip ... it makes you look whipped!
I love you all, now go out and party!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Poor me, poor me ... pour me another drink!
I noticed something when I was out last night with a couple of friends. Actually it's not the first time that I noticed it, but this is the first time that I am acknowledging it.
They say sometimes you need to look within yourself for answers, so that's what I'm doing.
I'm always complaining, albiet to myself, that I can't find a man who wants to embark on a relationship. But everywhere I turn I am seeing men who have found their partners. They've been able to find the Prince Charmings. The couples come in all shapes, sizes, appearances and colors.
I think the reason I am still single is because of a reason I don't like to admit to myself. It's not all the other guys, it's because I'm just not that appealing to the guys. There are guys who want sex from me, I'm not saying that guys don't see me and want sex. But truth be told, I think every guy wants to have sex; most times the other guy only needs to be breathing to be an object of sexual attraction.
I'm realizing that other than sex, guys don't want to enter a relationship with me. They hardly want anything at all from me. I'm not complaining; it's just not in the cards for me.
Some people are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. I'm probably going to be one of those people.
The guys who I've had sexual relations with, well, they go right on entering a relationship with someone else. It's like I'm the speedbump to the next full-blown romance with another guy.
When I was young, I never thought of myself as handsome. When I entered high school, I got a boatload of good friends and enjoyed some popularity, but I wasn't the guy who was sort after by women. (P.S. - little known fact: I used to date women)
I got a girlfriend in my senior year, but she was a bit loopy and a lot crazy. Long story; if you want the long version it's in my novel.
But I digress. In college women started to seek me out for romance. After college I was engaged twice. The first woman was too good for me; the second one went nuts. Before I decided to be myself and come out of the closet, I dated two other women.
It was pretty easy for me to get into a relationship with women. But dating men is a whole different arena. I'm just not good at it. I would never go back to dating women because they don't appeal to me whatsoever. I only want to be with a man. But that is out of my reach for whatever reason.
But as I was saying, I noticed something last night. My friend was pushing me to talk to this guy, and after a few minutes I decided to talk to the guy. We joked a bit, talked a lot, and then I went to grab a drink. By the time I turned back around, the guy was being hit on by another guy, and it was as if he no longer knew who I was. We'd had a good talk, and a lot of flirting.
It's not the first time this has happened to me, but damn, this is going to be the last. I'm not putting myself out there like that again. Perhaps I'm just not that attractive. In any event, I'm just going to mind my own business. I'm attractive to men not of my race, and it's so damn hard to figure out which men are attracted to black guys.
So I'm going to take a few months off to do some things I need to do to get myself in order. I'm completing bartending classes so by the holidays I'll have a job as a bartender. I'm going after my teaching certification so I'll be able to teach teenagers how to avoid butchering the English language.
I'm focused now, so I know what I need to do to attain happiness. I've had two boyfriends, and perhaps that's all I'm supposed to have in my lifetime. After all, one loved drugs and cheating on me more than he loved me; the other loved my money and being taken care of more than he loved me.
But I would hate it if I could never find true romance and those two failed relationships were all I had to show for the amount of passion I have within me.
That can't be all there is. It just can't.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, 'cause no one could ever love me more than I love myself.
But a little human tenderness and the caress of a man's touch sure would do me right! Jus sayin'!
They say sometimes you need to look within yourself for answers, so that's what I'm doing.
I'm always complaining, albiet to myself, that I can't find a man who wants to embark on a relationship. But everywhere I turn I am seeing men who have found their partners. They've been able to find the Prince Charmings. The couples come in all shapes, sizes, appearances and colors.
I think the reason I am still single is because of a reason I don't like to admit to myself. It's not all the other guys, it's because I'm just not that appealing to the guys. There are guys who want sex from me, I'm not saying that guys don't see me and want sex. But truth be told, I think every guy wants to have sex; most times the other guy only needs to be breathing to be an object of sexual attraction.
I'm realizing that other than sex, guys don't want to enter a relationship with me. They hardly want anything at all from me. I'm not complaining; it's just not in the cards for me.
Some people are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. I'm probably going to be one of those people.
The guys who I've had sexual relations with, well, they go right on entering a relationship with someone else. It's like I'm the speedbump to the next full-blown romance with another guy.
When I was young, I never thought of myself as handsome. When I entered high school, I got a boatload of good friends and enjoyed some popularity, but I wasn't the guy who was sort after by women. (P.S. - little known fact: I used to date women)
I got a girlfriend in my senior year, but she was a bit loopy and a lot crazy. Long story; if you want the long version it's in my novel.
But I digress. In college women started to seek me out for romance. After college I was engaged twice. The first woman was too good for me; the second one went nuts. Before I decided to be myself and come out of the closet, I dated two other women.
It was pretty easy for me to get into a relationship with women. But dating men is a whole different arena. I'm just not good at it. I would never go back to dating women because they don't appeal to me whatsoever. I only want to be with a man. But that is out of my reach for whatever reason.
But as I was saying, I noticed something last night. My friend was pushing me to talk to this guy, and after a few minutes I decided to talk to the guy. We joked a bit, talked a lot, and then I went to grab a drink. By the time I turned back around, the guy was being hit on by another guy, and it was as if he no longer knew who I was. We'd had a good talk, and a lot of flirting.
It's not the first time this has happened to me, but damn, this is going to be the last. I'm not putting myself out there like that again. Perhaps I'm just not that attractive. In any event, I'm just going to mind my own business. I'm attractive to men not of my race, and it's so damn hard to figure out which men are attracted to black guys.
So I'm going to take a few months off to do some things I need to do to get myself in order. I'm completing bartending classes so by the holidays I'll have a job as a bartender. I'm going after my teaching certification so I'll be able to teach teenagers how to avoid butchering the English language.
I'm focused now, so I know what I need to do to attain happiness. I've had two boyfriends, and perhaps that's all I'm supposed to have in my lifetime. After all, one loved drugs and cheating on me more than he loved me; the other loved my money and being taken care of more than he loved me.
But I would hate it if I could never find true romance and those two failed relationships were all I had to show for the amount of passion I have within me.
That can't be all there is. It just can't.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, 'cause no one could ever love me more than I love myself.
But a little human tenderness and the caress of a man's touch sure would do me right! Jus sayin'!
Friday, November 4, 2011
It's time for me to re-invent myself and go after what I truly want
I haven't mentioned it in my blog too much - if never at all, but I was laid off in June. I've been living off of my savings, investments and some unemployment, and I was a little fearful that I would never figure out what my next move should be to fulfill my happiness.
I've always knew pretty much what my true calling is in life, but I've been too afraid to give up the job that paid me healthfully and venture out into the unknown. After all, a safety net is something that I always needed and my job as a newspaper editor was perfect for me. I loved to work long hours and get paid doing what I liked to do.
But even in every newspaper job I had, I always worked in a program with young children and junior/high school students. I loved to do that, especially since I could be a journalist and get paid for it, all the while doing what I loved to do - teach children - on the side.
Teaching has always been my true calling, for as far back as I can remember. But I knew teachers never got paid the proper salary they deserved. I don't know why I've always been worried about money. My parents have put me in a situation where I can always look to them for financial stability if I wanted to do that. My father worked hard and set up his family so we always had everything we needed or wanted, financially or otherwise.
Even so, I never really wanted to go to my father for it. He and my sister always said it was just foolish pride on my part. And they are right. So I never wanted to depend on anyone else for what I needed; it was always up to me. I shouldn't have looked at it that way because that is why I went into the field that would net me the most financial security.
I should have followed the path to teaching when the fork in the road presented itself years ago. I didn't follow my true calling; I went the other route.
There is an added incentive to go into the teaching field - too many young teens are being bullied and have been taking their own lives as a result. This is going on way too much these days and I want to do my part in erasing that from our society. As a gay man, I want to let young gay teens know that things may be trying right now, but it gets better. I need to lead by example, and what better way to do that is to show them that it got better for their teacher, and it will get better for them as well.
I know that everyone doesn't have an easy time in life; I'm not denying that fact. But just as the "It Gets Better" project reiterates to the country, things will improve.
But just as in school, bullies are everywhere ... even in Asbury Park. I don't pay them any mind. But some people do, and a bully will feed off of it. Don't give them the time of day and eventually they will get tired of it.
Of course, I should have taken my own advice recently. A few days ago I was in one of the gay establishments in Asbury and there was a drunk, obnoxious jerk who was trying to throw his weight around. He began to harass someone who I know and after a while of sitting there, listening to this bully continue to speak his stupidity, I just couldn't take it any longer. I decided to shut him down and told him to stop talking the trash and treat people with the respect they deserve.
We shouted at each other a little, and then I realized that in my anger to stop this bully's tirade, I was bullying the bully. I had to take a few moments to contain myself, count to 10, and diffuse the situation.
He took off for a bit and I apologized to those around me for acting out, which isn't like me at all. About a half-hour later he came back in, came up to me, shook my hand and apologized for being such an ass.
I learned two things as a result of that encounter. The first thing was that if you stand up to a person who is on a bullying rampage, you may teach that person a thing or two about respecting one's self. The second thing I learned about myself was that I have fully forgiven my ex-boyfriend for things that happened in our relationship.
See, the person who the bully was harassing was my ex. I didn't know why I was protecting him; he was no longer in my life as a lover. But the protective nature in me just emerged and I couldn't hold it back. Funny things happen when you least expect it.
And with that, I know that I am ready to educate our youth and show them right from wrong. It's now time to re-invent myself. But not too much ... I still need to hold onto the fabulous, fierce creature that I've always been! ;)
I've always knew pretty much what my true calling is in life, but I've been too afraid to give up the job that paid me healthfully and venture out into the unknown. After all, a safety net is something that I always needed and my job as a newspaper editor was perfect for me. I loved to work long hours and get paid doing what I liked to do.
But even in every newspaper job I had, I always worked in a program with young children and junior/high school students. I loved to do that, especially since I could be a journalist and get paid for it, all the while doing what I loved to do - teach children - on the side.
Teaching has always been my true calling, for as far back as I can remember. But I knew teachers never got paid the proper salary they deserved. I don't know why I've always been worried about money. My parents have put me in a situation where I can always look to them for financial stability if I wanted to do that. My father worked hard and set up his family so we always had everything we needed or wanted, financially or otherwise.
Even so, I never really wanted to go to my father for it. He and my sister always said it was just foolish pride on my part. And they are right. So I never wanted to depend on anyone else for what I needed; it was always up to me. I shouldn't have looked at it that way because that is why I went into the field that would net me the most financial security.
I should have followed the path to teaching when the fork in the road presented itself years ago. I didn't follow my true calling; I went the other route.
There is an added incentive to go into the teaching field - too many young teens are being bullied and have been taking their own lives as a result. This is going on way too much these days and I want to do my part in erasing that from our society. As a gay man, I want to let young gay teens know that things may be trying right now, but it gets better. I need to lead by example, and what better way to do that is to show them that it got better for their teacher, and it will get better for them as well.
I know that everyone doesn't have an easy time in life; I'm not denying that fact. But just as the "It Gets Better" project reiterates to the country, things will improve.
But just as in school, bullies are everywhere ... even in Asbury Park. I don't pay them any mind. But some people do, and a bully will feed off of it. Don't give them the time of day and eventually they will get tired of it.
Of course, I should have taken my own advice recently. A few days ago I was in one of the gay establishments in Asbury and there was a drunk, obnoxious jerk who was trying to throw his weight around. He began to harass someone who I know and after a while of sitting there, listening to this bully continue to speak his stupidity, I just couldn't take it any longer. I decided to shut him down and told him to stop talking the trash and treat people with the respect they deserve.
We shouted at each other a little, and then I realized that in my anger to stop this bully's tirade, I was bullying the bully. I had to take a few moments to contain myself, count to 10, and diffuse the situation.
He took off for a bit and I apologized to those around me for acting out, which isn't like me at all. About a half-hour later he came back in, came up to me, shook my hand and apologized for being such an ass.
I learned two things as a result of that encounter. The first thing was that if you stand up to a person who is on a bullying rampage, you may teach that person a thing or two about respecting one's self. The second thing I learned about myself was that I have fully forgiven my ex-boyfriend for things that happened in our relationship.
See, the person who the bully was harassing was my ex. I didn't know why I was protecting him; he was no longer in my life as a lover. But the protective nature in me just emerged and I couldn't hold it back. Funny things happen when you least expect it.
And with that, I know that I am ready to educate our youth and show them right from wrong. It's now time to re-invent myself. But not too much ... I still need to hold onto the fabulous, fierce creature that I've always been! ;)
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