I was reading an article, "An etiquette guide for straight people in gay bars", and it just made me chuckle.
They make some points in the article that are right on the money. It mainly focused on gay bars mostly frequented by men. In the piece, it was mentioned that women, although welcome in these bars, don't have much power because the topless male bartenders aren't tripping over themselves to wait on them first and women are virtually invisible. Also, women who accompany their male gays to these establishments sometimes turn into cockblockers, thus hindering their gay male friend in the pursuit of a sexual liaison for the evening.
The article went on to explain that some women love to bring their bachelorette parties into gay bars because they can have a much better time partying it up with the gay males. In some cases, the gays just don't want to be bothered, according to the article.
The article beat up on the straight guys as well. It explained that the straight men who happen to wander into the gay bars, whether just checking out the atmosphere or being dragged there by their girlfiends/wives, sometimes have a chip on their shoulder. They tend to think that they are going to get hit on by every single gay man in the place. But sometimes, the straight guy will get hit on - and if he does, the guy shouldn't be utterly offended and act like a jerk to the gay guy. Proper etiquette would be to let him down gently, just like you'd act if you were letting a woman know you weren't interested.
It's a funny article, and although it pokes fun at straight people in gay bars, it does hit the nail on the head. For example, a couple of months ago Paradise, the local gay club in Asbury Park, was overrun with a raucous crowd of drunken, overbearing straight individuals who literally were tearing the place apart. It was a Sunday night and was kind of slow - that is, until this group of about 20-25 straight people invaded the place. One of them said they were coming from a crazy party at another local bar/restaurant on the boardwalk.
Now I had no issue with them hanging out at Paradise, because I love my straights (a little joke because most people who know me are well aware that I hate it when someone says "I love my gays"). But the part of them being there was the way they acted. They were not only drunk and disorderly, but disrespectful because some of them were so out-of-control because a couple of them that were "talking" to me said that since it was a gay club, we should be used to it because that's how we act.
Total misconception! Just because a person is gathered with his gay friends in a gay establishment does not mean we act the fool and knock over tables, fall sloppily on the floors, toss people we are dancing with into walls, and have no qualms ruining DJ or karaoke equipment.
I've never been so upset at watching drunk people tear through a bar, never in my life. But watching some of them get booted from the club was just embarassing. Would they do the same thing if they were hanging at Brickwall, Porta or BACA? I know they wouldn't.
If this is what people think goes on at gay bars and clubs, they are wrong! I am making a request of any straight people who venture into gay bars/clubs/restaurants: Have the same respect and decency that gay people have for the places they frequent. I'm in no way saying that all straight people act like this, but there are a small portion who do act this way.
I, for one, love it when bachelorette parties frequent the gay bars because some of these women are so cool and love to dance as crazy as I do. So unlike the article, I am a fan of them. My only request: don't block me when I'm hitting on a hot guy. Otherwise, you are fine.
I do think it's going a bit too far when straight couples come in to the gay bars and clutch each others' hands for dear life. The lady is doing it so her guy doesn't get hit on by a gay man; the guy is doing it because he doesn't want to get hit on by a gay man. But more often than not (as I've witnessed firsthand), the guy is not even worth hitting on because he's not that cute! So please stop disrespecting us - and making yourselves look foolish - by clutching each other like you are attached at the hip. The gays are only laughing at you when you do it anyway.
And please, straight dudes, stop repeating over and over that you aren't gay - or you have gay friends - or asking me if it's okay for straight people to be in the bar. It's insulting and you are making a pain-in-the-ass of yourself.
To close, I just have one more request: Please stop referring to your businesses/bars/restaurants, etc. as "gay-friendly"! It sends a poor message to the universe that gay people are different, and trust me, we are no different than any other individual on the planet. Would you call your establishment "straight-friendly", "Beyonce-friendly" or "alien-friendly"? No you wouldn't, so stop parading this phrase around like it's a badge of honor. It's crossing the line to downright insulting, and it tends to make me want to avoid those places altogether.
Editor's Note: I'm not lumping all straight people into the same category; this blog post is only referring to the tiny population who are guilty of these actions. Amen!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
It's better to let people in on your angst ... before it boils to the surface
I just have to realize that I'll never have all the answers.
As many of the followers of my blog already know, I've been trying to reinvent myself. In June, when I was laid off from my job, it took me a couple of months to re-gather myself after the job that I literally burned myself out at had just cut me loose. Those couple of months after, I was just burned out and felt used up. I was depressed for awhile, but like I'd been taught, you make sure everyone sees you smile and keep the depressing feelings far away from the people in your life.
That worked for awhile. But then after I realized that I needed to do something to help myself get past all the turmoil, life just kicked my ass into gear. I knew that the only thing that would make this man happy was to look towards the future. What was I going to do? How was I going to pick myself up?
So after some serious soul-searching, I decided that it was time to rearrange my life and switch gears. I was going to follow my dream and become a teacher. That's what I always wanted to do, and the time to do it was now.
So I took measures to do it. I decided to go to bartending school so I could supplement the financial strain of the cost of returning to school to get my teaching certification. And I completed bartending school successfully and prepared to follow my dream. If I needed to, I could have just dug into my IRA trust account and paid for it, but it just didn't seem right. I was scared that if I'd failed at my dream and needed the funds in that account to live off for an extended period of time, I wouldn't have money when I was older, alone and needed a lot of money to live off.
This is the reason I wanted to speed through my courses and bartend while doing this. Of course I should have told myself that I would never get a full-time bartending gig because no one was going to take a chance on me. (*I'm not going to rehash my rant on bartending, especially in Asbury Park when there's less than a handful of black bartenders working in this city - you can read my previous blog on the subject, "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult?" if you'd like ... but I digress)
So to continue on what this blog entry is all about ...
I've been feeling more and more disillusioned in my work, my dreams, my life and myself as a person. I always tried to be the best at what I did. I hardly never fell short because I wouldn't let myself fall short of accomplishing everything I set my mind to do. I've been feeling like a failure, and I couldn't let anyone know how desperate and disheartened I'd been feeling. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but since losing my job I've applied for over 100 jobs and haven't gotten any of them. It's been really upsetting to not only my ego but also my self-esteem.
I'm the type of person who can never let anyone see him break down and cry. I'd built my personal reputation on never allowing another person see me cry; I'd always felt it was a sign of weakness.
Last week I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I couldn't even tie a knot and hang on. But despite the stress and angst, I decided to be around people to at least avoid feeling alone. I think that was my mistake; I'd forgotten that most people only see me as a strong-willed innocent who always keeps it calm, cool and collected.
And as the night went on, person after person was doing something that just drove me to the brink. I can't blame any of them because they had no clue that my internal struggles had come to a head and was ready to explode to the surface.
I did two things that I'd promised myself I would never do - I blew up at a very dear friend who didn't know that I was so distressed with my life, and I broke down into tears in front of another close friend who had the unfortune of being in my presence at the inopportune moment of my breakdown.
This blog is a way of apologizing, not only to them but myself. They both know how much I love and adore them and respect their places in my life. But it's turned out to be a good thing that this all happened. I know that I need to let people in on my inner-demons so they know just how much I can handle. That's something I need to work on.
And I've never been a fan of getting therapy to help overcome issues that are just too much to bear. But I may need to consider it now. Things are just very tough for me these days and I know that I can't have a sit-down talk with my mother. She was always my rock, and although I know that I can always talk to her, I'm painfully aware that she can't answer me back.
So maybe it's time to consider therapy of some sort to get over this hump. Perhaps it's not the worst thing I could do.
As many of the followers of my blog already know, I've been trying to reinvent myself. In June, when I was laid off from my job, it took me a couple of months to re-gather myself after the job that I literally burned myself out at had just cut me loose. Those couple of months after, I was just burned out and felt used up. I was depressed for awhile, but like I'd been taught, you make sure everyone sees you smile and keep the depressing feelings far away from the people in your life.
That worked for awhile. But then after I realized that I needed to do something to help myself get past all the turmoil, life just kicked my ass into gear. I knew that the only thing that would make this man happy was to look towards the future. What was I going to do? How was I going to pick myself up?
So after some serious soul-searching, I decided that it was time to rearrange my life and switch gears. I was going to follow my dream and become a teacher. That's what I always wanted to do, and the time to do it was now.
So I took measures to do it. I decided to go to bartending school so I could supplement the financial strain of the cost of returning to school to get my teaching certification. And I completed bartending school successfully and prepared to follow my dream. If I needed to, I could have just dug into my IRA trust account and paid for it, but it just didn't seem right. I was scared that if I'd failed at my dream and needed the funds in that account to live off for an extended period of time, I wouldn't have money when I was older, alone and needed a lot of money to live off.
This is the reason I wanted to speed through my courses and bartend while doing this. Of course I should have told myself that I would never get a full-time bartending gig because no one was going to take a chance on me. (*I'm not going to rehash my rant on bartending, especially in Asbury Park when there's less than a handful of black bartenders working in this city - you can read my previous blog on the subject, "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult?" if you'd like ... but I digress)
So to continue on what this blog entry is all about ...
I've been feeling more and more disillusioned in my work, my dreams, my life and myself as a person. I always tried to be the best at what I did. I hardly never fell short because I wouldn't let myself fall short of accomplishing everything I set my mind to do. I've been feeling like a failure, and I couldn't let anyone know how desperate and disheartened I'd been feeling. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but since losing my job I've applied for over 100 jobs and haven't gotten any of them. It's been really upsetting to not only my ego but also my self-esteem.
I'm the type of person who can never let anyone see him break down and cry. I'd built my personal reputation on never allowing another person see me cry; I'd always felt it was a sign of weakness.
Last week I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I couldn't even tie a knot and hang on. But despite the stress and angst, I decided to be around people to at least avoid feeling alone. I think that was my mistake; I'd forgotten that most people only see me as a strong-willed innocent who always keeps it calm, cool and collected.
And as the night went on, person after person was doing something that just drove me to the brink. I can't blame any of them because they had no clue that my internal struggles had come to a head and was ready to explode to the surface.
I did two things that I'd promised myself I would never do - I blew up at a very dear friend who didn't know that I was so distressed with my life, and I broke down into tears in front of another close friend who had the unfortune of being in my presence at the inopportune moment of my breakdown.
This blog is a way of apologizing, not only to them but myself. They both know how much I love and adore them and respect their places in my life. But it's turned out to be a good thing that this all happened. I know that I need to let people in on my inner-demons so they know just how much I can handle. That's something I need to work on.
And I've never been a fan of getting therapy to help overcome issues that are just too much to bear. But I may need to consider it now. Things are just very tough for me these days and I know that I can't have a sit-down talk with my mother. She was always my rock, and although I know that I can always talk to her, I'm painfully aware that she can't answer me back.
So maybe it's time to consider therapy of some sort to get over this hump. Perhaps it's not the worst thing I could do.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sometimes the past deserves to remain right where it is - in the past
I've made no secret that I would love to be in a committed relationship with a man that I care about. Some guys are just that way, and I'm one of them.
I haven't had too much luck in that department, as I've only had 2 boyfriends of significance in my life.
But a few weeks ago, a guy who I was pretty crazy over and who I'd gone out with on about a dozen dates (or as I like to call them, encounters) reached out to me and asked if I would let him back into my life and if we could pick up where we left off.
I knew last year that he wasn't ready for what I had to offer. He would always go back and forth, wanting to venture into a commitment and then backing away from me. This went on for far too long, and then after awhile of being this guy's yo-yo, I decided to cut him loose and stop the cycle.
Even after cutting his craziness out of my life, I'd still see him every now and again around Asbury Park. We went to the same hangouts, so I knew we'd always run into each other. It didn't really bother me because I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, and I knew he couldn't give it to me.
I guess over the past months, he'd grown up a bit and was now ready for me.
Now this is where my mom's teachings helped me out in a big way. She'd always taught me to follow my instincts and not settle for anything less than what I deserved. And as this guy who I (hate to say it) sweated for a few months while he decided if he even wanted me for the long-term asked me to rekindle things, all I could hear was my mom's voice in my ear. She was saying to run like the dickens as fast as I could in the other direction.
So what did I do? I followed my mom's advice. Even though she wasn't here physically, I knew she was with me spiritually. So my response to this man who I was once crazy about, and wanted me again, was to tell him I'd think about it. For me, that's a "no". When I met up with him later in the week, I let him know that it was not going to happen for us. Too much time had past, and I invested too much energy into getting things off the ground with him the last time. Flat out - he exhausted me, and I was getting too old to give 95 percent to another's 5 percent.
So, I'm still single. But I guess I'm happily single, because for the first time in a long time, I didn't settle for just a pretty face.
And this guy, my past, deserves to remain right where he is ... in the past. I need to move onto someone new, so for those guys in my past, you need to stay there.
I'm looking for a new love!
I haven't had too much luck in that department, as I've only had 2 boyfriends of significance in my life.
But a few weeks ago, a guy who I was pretty crazy over and who I'd gone out with on about a dozen dates (or as I like to call them, encounters) reached out to me and asked if I would let him back into my life and if we could pick up where we left off.
I knew last year that he wasn't ready for what I had to offer. He would always go back and forth, wanting to venture into a commitment and then backing away from me. This went on for far too long, and then after awhile of being this guy's yo-yo, I decided to cut him loose and stop the cycle.
Even after cutting his craziness out of my life, I'd still see him every now and again around Asbury Park. We went to the same hangouts, so I knew we'd always run into each other. It didn't really bother me because I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, and I knew he couldn't give it to me.
I guess over the past months, he'd grown up a bit and was now ready for me.
Now this is where my mom's teachings helped me out in a big way. She'd always taught me to follow my instincts and not settle for anything less than what I deserved. And as this guy who I (hate to say it) sweated for a few months while he decided if he even wanted me for the long-term asked me to rekindle things, all I could hear was my mom's voice in my ear. She was saying to run like the dickens as fast as I could in the other direction.
So what did I do? I followed my mom's advice. Even though she wasn't here physically, I knew she was with me spiritually. So my response to this man who I was once crazy about, and wanted me again, was to tell him I'd think about it. For me, that's a "no". When I met up with him later in the week, I let him know that it was not going to happen for us. Too much time had past, and I invested too much energy into getting things off the ground with him the last time. Flat out - he exhausted me, and I was getting too old to give 95 percent to another's 5 percent.
So, I'm still single. But I guess I'm happily single, because for the first time in a long time, I didn't settle for just a pretty face.
And this guy, my past, deserves to remain right where he is ... in the past. I need to move onto someone new, so for those guys in my past, you need to stay there.
I'm looking for a new love!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Ruben's World Gallery sparks the imagination, inspires the soul
If you want to be inspired by great digital photography and artwork, you should head over to Ruben's World Gallery.
The gallery, owned by Ruben Martinez, is located at 723 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park. As Martinez says on his website, for more than 6 years he has contributed to the city that he refers to as a "Jewel by the sea" by donating his artwork to restaurants and worthy benefits.
When visiting Martinez's gallery, you'll be in awe of the mesmerizing pieces on display. He has dedicated years to showing his talents on the canvas, and the years of hard work are evident in his work.
On First Saturday Asbury Park - a staple in the city - Martinez showcases the works of different artists at his gallery. On this night, shops and galleries are open late, music is everywhere and the city comes alive. This occurs on the first Saturday of every month.
"As a child I was always drawn to shiny and colorful objects or anything with a unique shape or texture. I have always had a deep and passionate appreciation for art in many mediums like free-hand drawing, painting, ceramic, ostrich egg creation, sculpture, and last but not least photography," Martinez says on his website.
The gallery's hours are 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily, or by appointment. You can contact Martinez at his gallery, (732) 222-1639, or via email at rubenamartinez@gmail.com.
Visit Martinez's website at http://www.rubensworldgallery.com to learn more about the photography and artwork, his upcoming exhibits, and the artists being featured.
The gallery, owned by Ruben Martinez, is located at 723 Cookman Avenue in Asbury Park. As Martinez says on his website, for more than 6 years he has contributed to the city that he refers to as a "Jewel by the sea" by donating his artwork to restaurants and worthy benefits.
When visiting Martinez's gallery, you'll be in awe of the mesmerizing pieces on display. He has dedicated years to showing his talents on the canvas, and the years of hard work are evident in his work.
On First Saturday Asbury Park - a staple in the city - Martinez showcases the works of different artists at his gallery. On this night, shops and galleries are open late, music is everywhere and the city comes alive. This occurs on the first Saturday of every month.
"As a child I was always drawn to shiny and colorful objects or anything with a unique shape or texture. I have always had a deep and passionate appreciation for art in many mediums like free-hand drawing, painting, ceramic, ostrich egg creation, sculpture, and last but not least photography," Martinez says on his website.
The gallery's hours are 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily, or by appointment. You can contact Martinez at his gallery, (732) 222-1639, or via email at rubenamartinez@gmail.com.
Visit Martinez's website at http://www.rubensworldgallery.com to learn more about the photography and artwork, his upcoming exhibits, and the artists being featured.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
In retrospect: My top 5 posts of 2011
As 2011 has come and gone, I'm pretty happy that my blog, "Living in the gay scene of Asbury Park", has received more page views and has become more popular. When I began my blog in 2010, it was as a way of expressing my happiness, anger, dissatisfaction and my observations as a gay man who had planted himself in Asbury Park, the gay capital of New Jersey.
I've been through a lot of ups and downs while living in the fair city of Asbury Park. I made a boatload of friends, a lot of acquaintances, and even come across some people who have no idea what to think of me. I'm no Pollyanna, but suffice to say, I haven't been footloose either. The only times people see the outlandish side of me is when they put a microphone in my hands during karaoke, or when I hit the dancing floor at Paradise or one of the other many dance clubs. Dancing and singing karaoke are two of my favorite things to do, and thank God that he allows me to do both.
This past year has also showed me that I do have inner strength. I was cut from my job that I devoted my life to doing the best job I could, and when I thought that I wouldn't be able to get my life back together, I picked my butt up and changed gears. I also had to deal with a lot of repercussions and heartache following my mother's death. That was difficult for me because I couldn't spend a lot of time with my mother for different reasons and I blamed myself for a lot of issues and situations between us.
But as we are now in 2012, it was evident that 2011 was a significant year for so many people. I grew further into my gay life in a lot of ways, thanks to some valuable people:
1) my golden girls, who let me be crazy, humble, flirtatious and downright nuts ...
2) my Broadway boy, who allowed me to show him my sensitive and vulnerable side (and was instrumental in showing me that playing Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Lena Horne, Patti Lupone and Liza Minelli on jukeboxes was right on the money) ...
3) some bartender friends who watched out for me, gave me some sound advice on survival in this city, and had my back, even when I didn't know they had my back ...
4) my lesbians, who for some of them, showed me that I can always count of them. I look at these gals as ones I can get crazy with, get some solid advice from, and who I can cry on their shoulders when I need a girl's sympathetic ear ...
5) a few of my gay boyz, who showed me I can call them my besties and have shown me that in some serious situations, all you need are some drinks, a little banter, and a hell of a lot of loud laughter to get through the day.
So, as I look back on 2011, here are my top 5 blog posts of the year ...
#5) "Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary" from Feb. 13th. I think this is the post that had some of my friends and readers worried that I had about enough with Asbury Park and its citizens. Also, I posted this blog after I was stood up by someone in my life, and a friend of mine gave me some interesting news.
#4) "I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone" from April 6th. I posted this blog entry after seeing the gay-themed movie, "Edge of Seventeen", and was reflecting on my own struggles when dealing with coming out and dealing with the fear of losing those closest to me.
#3) "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult" from Dec. 28th. Now this blog post was just a little observation of mine, but it got a lot of page views because some individuals were very interested in the minority angle and how it related to the city's bars and restaurants. I didn't even think it was going to get a lot of views, nor start some serious dialogue. But it did, and I'm glad it did.
#2) "A friend called me a prude, and I have to admit, he was right on the money" from Sept. 18th. This post was inspired by a couple of my friends who thought I might need to reevaluate how I interacted with other gay men if I wanted to find a boyfriend. And I had to admit that they were correct in their assessment of me. It was difficult to admit it, and I knew it was time for change.
#1) "I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them" from June 13th. I must admit, this was one of my favorite blog entries as well. This post was inspired by some questions from a good friend of mine. I would always talk with her about my gay friends, and I'd forget that the terms I was using to describe them, she had no idea what they meant. So I decided to analyze what each category meant in the world of gay, and so many people thought it was not only insightful, but hilarious! It started so much conversation, and that's what this blog is all about.
So I'm glad that you enjoyed my blog, and as 2012 is upon us, I hope I'll have many more blog posts that will spark conversation and debates, let us look into ourselves and do some self-analyzation, and make us laugh out loud!
I've been through a lot of ups and downs while living in the fair city of Asbury Park. I made a boatload of friends, a lot of acquaintances, and even come across some people who have no idea what to think of me. I'm no Pollyanna, but suffice to say, I haven't been footloose either. The only times people see the outlandish side of me is when they put a microphone in my hands during karaoke, or when I hit the dancing floor at Paradise or one of the other many dance clubs. Dancing and singing karaoke are two of my favorite things to do, and thank God that he allows me to do both.
This past year has also showed me that I do have inner strength. I was cut from my job that I devoted my life to doing the best job I could, and when I thought that I wouldn't be able to get my life back together, I picked my butt up and changed gears. I also had to deal with a lot of repercussions and heartache following my mother's death. That was difficult for me because I couldn't spend a lot of time with my mother for different reasons and I blamed myself for a lot of issues and situations between us.
But as we are now in 2012, it was evident that 2011 was a significant year for so many people. I grew further into my gay life in a lot of ways, thanks to some valuable people:
1) my golden girls, who let me be crazy, humble, flirtatious and downright nuts ...
2) my Broadway boy, who allowed me to show him my sensitive and vulnerable side (and was instrumental in showing me that playing Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Lena Horne, Patti Lupone and Liza Minelli on jukeboxes was right on the money) ...
3) some bartender friends who watched out for me, gave me some sound advice on survival in this city, and had my back, even when I didn't know they had my back ...
4) my lesbians, who for some of them, showed me that I can always count of them. I look at these gals as ones I can get crazy with, get some solid advice from, and who I can cry on their shoulders when I need a girl's sympathetic ear ...
5) a few of my gay boyz, who showed me I can call them my besties and have shown me that in some serious situations, all you need are some drinks, a little banter, and a hell of a lot of loud laughter to get through the day.
So, as I look back on 2011, here are my top 5 blog posts of the year ...
#5) "Trusting, sadly, is no longer a word that I will have in my vocabulary" from Feb. 13th. I think this is the post that had some of my friends and readers worried that I had about enough with Asbury Park and its citizens. Also, I posted this blog after I was stood up by someone in my life, and a friend of mine gave me some interesting news.
#4) "I'd forgotten how difficult it was to be gay and hiding it from everyone" from April 6th. I posted this blog entry after seeing the gay-themed movie, "Edge of Seventeen", and was reflecting on my own struggles when dealing with coming out and dealing with the fear of losing those closest to me.
#3) "Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult" from Dec. 28th. Now this blog post was just a little observation of mine, but it got a lot of page views because some individuals were very interested in the minority angle and how it related to the city's bars and restaurants. I didn't even think it was going to get a lot of views, nor start some serious dialogue. But it did, and I'm glad it did.
#2) "A friend called me a prude, and I have to admit, he was right on the money" from Sept. 18th. This post was inspired by a couple of my friends who thought I might need to reevaluate how I interacted with other gay men if I wanted to find a boyfriend. And I had to admit that they were correct in their assessment of me. It was difficult to admit it, and I knew it was time for change.
#1) "I'm no Regina George, but man, do I know a couple of them" from June 13th. I must admit, this was one of my favorite blog entries as well. This post was inspired by some questions from a good friend of mine. I would always talk with her about my gay friends, and I'd forget that the terms I was using to describe them, she had no idea what they meant. So I decided to analyze what each category meant in the world of gay, and so many people thought it was not only insightful, but hilarious! It started so much conversation, and that's what this blog is all about.
So I'm glad that you enjoyed my blog, and as 2012 is upon us, I hope I'll have many more blog posts that will spark conversation and debates, let us look into ourselves and do some self-analyzation, and make us laugh out loud!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Who knew getting a bartending gig around Asbury would be so difficult?
I've recently had to reinvent myself. The company and career that I devoted almost 60 hours a week burning myself out on cut my position (and me) due to the poor economy and cutbacks in the industry. After spending a little while assessing my life and what I truly wanted to do with my life, I finally figured out what I needed to do to be satisfied.
I knew that I wanted to follow my dream of becoming a teacher. To supplement my income until I finished schooling for my teaching certification, I knew that bartending would be a great thing to do. I felt like bartending would be a profession that I'd enjoy, and during the summers when school was out of session, I could bartend.
I entered bartending school and studied the hundreds of cocktails and how to make them correctly. I mixed drinks and memorized the formulas night and day for a few weeks. I studied the different types of alcohols, where they were from, how to mix them correctly, and the right amount of alcohol to use.
And after the weeks of studying, mixing and throwing myself into the world of mixology, the final testings and exams were finally here. And I think I did cartwheels when I passed the testing with flying colors and acheived my certification. Hot damn, I was a certified mixologist. I was gung-ho to jump into the bartending arena. Nothing could stop me now.
Or so I thought.
I've sent out dozens of resumes, filled out a slew of applications at dozens and dozens of bars, restaurants and establishments all along the Jersey Shore (and most everywhere in Asbury Park) and in New York City and Philadelphia. No one is hiring me. And to top it off, even the places that are actively seeking a bartender are passing me by. They want experience in the bars, and even though I kicked ass in bartending school, that may not be enough for these businesses.
Well, how do these businesses expect me to get experience behind the bars unless they give me the opportunity to do so? If anyone has a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.
Now I've never been a proponent of affirmative action. After all, I broke down the doors in the publishing industry by busting my ass to be the best editor I could be, and I never wanted any help in climbing the ladder at any newspaper or magazine I worked at; working long hours and giving 150 percent to all my projects was what I had to do to move up the ladder in my companies. My work always spoke for itself, and I didn't want to be given a chance just because I was a minority.
Right now, after going through the hell I've gone through in the past few months, my thinking has been slightly altered with regards to affirmative action. Everyone is looking for a job, and I will take whatever help I can get to snag a new job. Working is my life, and want to take my life back!
Now I am sure that all these establishments have done their best to make sure they have hired their fair share of minorities. And I don't want to jump up on my soapbox and rock the boat. But in Asbury Park alone, I think I've been able to count the number of black bartenders on one hand. On the outer parts of Asbury and along the Shore, there may be a few more.
Now maybe only a handful of black bartenders have applied for these jobs, but when I go into some of these places, it hits me like a ton of bricks. To make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill, I would revisit some of these places to make sure I wasn't missing anything or that there were minorities working on other shifts. But not too much luck in that; it's possible I just missed them.
I even asked a couple of the places how many minorities they have bartending. One said they had to get back to me; another one told me that's not information they can give out. Really?!?
I'm not trying to offend any of these establishments with my feelings on this issue, because this is just my opinion (I repeat - MY OPINION). But as my frustration grows, I'm at a loss because the level of race breakdown is appearing to be disproportionate in the numbers.
Again, all this is my opinion and this is just my venting on a subject that I think needs to be discussed - if not openly, then in people's minds. I feel that this issue is not really discussed in open forums any longer because people may think it's a moot point.
Maybe it is a moot point and I'm just talking nonsense, thinking too much and wearing my heart and conscience on my sleeve. It wouldn't be the first time. But what if I'm not and this is an issue that needs to be revisited? Who would it hurt?
Better yet ... who would it help?
I knew that I wanted to follow my dream of becoming a teacher. To supplement my income until I finished schooling for my teaching certification, I knew that bartending would be a great thing to do. I felt like bartending would be a profession that I'd enjoy, and during the summers when school was out of session, I could bartend.
I entered bartending school and studied the hundreds of cocktails and how to make them correctly. I mixed drinks and memorized the formulas night and day for a few weeks. I studied the different types of alcohols, where they were from, how to mix them correctly, and the right amount of alcohol to use.
And after the weeks of studying, mixing and throwing myself into the world of mixology, the final testings and exams were finally here. And I think I did cartwheels when I passed the testing with flying colors and acheived my certification. Hot damn, I was a certified mixologist. I was gung-ho to jump into the bartending arena. Nothing could stop me now.
Or so I thought.
I've sent out dozens of resumes, filled out a slew of applications at dozens and dozens of bars, restaurants and establishments all along the Jersey Shore (and most everywhere in Asbury Park) and in New York City and Philadelphia. No one is hiring me. And to top it off, even the places that are actively seeking a bartender are passing me by. They want experience in the bars, and even though I kicked ass in bartending school, that may not be enough for these businesses.
Well, how do these businesses expect me to get experience behind the bars unless they give me the opportunity to do so? If anyone has a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.
Now I've never been a proponent of affirmative action. After all, I broke down the doors in the publishing industry by busting my ass to be the best editor I could be, and I never wanted any help in climbing the ladder at any newspaper or magazine I worked at; working long hours and giving 150 percent to all my projects was what I had to do to move up the ladder in my companies. My work always spoke for itself, and I didn't want to be given a chance just because I was a minority.
Right now, after going through the hell I've gone through in the past few months, my thinking has been slightly altered with regards to affirmative action. Everyone is looking for a job, and I will take whatever help I can get to snag a new job. Working is my life, and want to take my life back!
Now I am sure that all these establishments have done their best to make sure they have hired their fair share of minorities. And I don't want to jump up on my soapbox and rock the boat. But in Asbury Park alone, I think I've been able to count the number of black bartenders on one hand. On the outer parts of Asbury and along the Shore, there may be a few more.
Now maybe only a handful of black bartenders have applied for these jobs, but when I go into some of these places, it hits me like a ton of bricks. To make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill, I would revisit some of these places to make sure I wasn't missing anything or that there were minorities working on other shifts. But not too much luck in that; it's possible I just missed them.
I even asked a couple of the places how many minorities they have bartending. One said they had to get back to me; another one told me that's not information they can give out. Really?!?
I'm not trying to offend any of these establishments with my feelings on this issue, because this is just my opinion (I repeat - MY OPINION). But as my frustration grows, I'm at a loss because the level of race breakdown is appearing to be disproportionate in the numbers.
Again, all this is my opinion and this is just my venting on a subject that I think needs to be discussed - if not openly, then in people's minds. I feel that this issue is not really discussed in open forums any longer because people may think it's a moot point.
Maybe it is a moot point and I'm just talking nonsense, thinking too much and wearing my heart and conscience on my sleeve. It wouldn't be the first time. But what if I'm not and this is an issue that needs to be revisited? Who would it hurt?
Better yet ... who would it help?
Monday, December 19, 2011
Don't worry ... your man's probably not hot enough to handle these guys
I was out Saturday night dancing at a club in Asbury, and while out, my friends and I made a very odd observation.
There was a small party at the club, and it was a bunch of straight couples. Every now and again the club has parties there with straight couples and they are a blast to party with, but this time, it was a bit disturbing.
I'm sure the ladies knew that they were partying in a gay establishment, and it's not only because the place was flanked with guys hanging out in groups and dancing freely with each other on the dance floor. I mean, really, the club advertises that it's gay.
But how did we know they were incredibly astute to their surroundings? Because the women were holding onto their men for dear life. These women were leading their men along with them holding their hands as tight as a mother holds her young child so they don't lose their grip and run off. They had their arms intertwined with their guys, almost suffocating them in a death grip. We even noticed a woman literally attached to their man's back, as if they were Siamese twins. Usually that's a sexy look and oh-so-cute, but not this time.
Now I know that some of us gay men do hit on any guy with a pulse. But to be honest, these women were not particularly attractive, and their men were no prettier.
So why did these women act this way in a gay establishment? Fear.
Fear that their men would be vulnerable to being flirted with and hit on by a gay man. Fear that their relationships weren't strong enough to survive a knowing glance from another fella.
It was so funny that it was tragic ... and insulting. Women, I think for the most part, you all are amazing people who should be admired. I do feel that way about the women I know, whether straight or gay. But if I don't know you, it would be my opinion that you really don't need to worry that I'm going to steal your man. I don't go after straight dudes ... they are too much trouble.
When I overheard one of these women say to her man "Just don't even engage or act like you are flirting with these guys because they don't know their boundaries", well I went from thinking this travesty was tragic, to thinking that it is becoming downright insulting.
Most straight women who come into these gay clubs are either just hanging with their girls for a night of crazy dancing with a bunch of guys who they don't have to worry about impressing, or they are involved in a bachelorette party. I love when these women are around, because they know how to act when they are around the gay community in the club.
But when these desperate housewives (and I'm not saying all housewives who come in there are desperate or insulting) hang out in the club, don't insult the gay community by making snarky comments about us gay men being desperate enough to try to steal their husbands. Your man is probably not hot enough ... and as in this past weekend's occurrence, that statement is so on the money.
So women, please chill out and just relax! Enjoy the music, dancing and alcohol, and stop worrying that your man is going to be a gay man's next conquest. And straight guys, stop letting your wives, girlfriends and significant female companions treat you like you're property and drag you around the club like you are attached at the hip ... it makes you look whipped!
I love you all, now go out and party!
There was a small party at the club, and it was a bunch of straight couples. Every now and again the club has parties there with straight couples and they are a blast to party with, but this time, it was a bit disturbing.
I'm sure the ladies knew that they were partying in a gay establishment, and it's not only because the place was flanked with guys hanging out in groups and dancing freely with each other on the dance floor. I mean, really, the club advertises that it's gay.
But how did we know they were incredibly astute to their surroundings? Because the women were holding onto their men for dear life. These women were leading their men along with them holding their hands as tight as a mother holds her young child so they don't lose their grip and run off. They had their arms intertwined with their guys, almost suffocating them in a death grip. We even noticed a woman literally attached to their man's back, as if they were Siamese twins. Usually that's a sexy look and oh-so-cute, but not this time.
Now I know that some of us gay men do hit on any guy with a pulse. But to be honest, these women were not particularly attractive, and their men were no prettier.
So why did these women act this way in a gay establishment? Fear.
Fear that their men would be vulnerable to being flirted with and hit on by a gay man. Fear that their relationships weren't strong enough to survive a knowing glance from another fella.
It was so funny that it was tragic ... and insulting. Women, I think for the most part, you all are amazing people who should be admired. I do feel that way about the women I know, whether straight or gay. But if I don't know you, it would be my opinion that you really don't need to worry that I'm going to steal your man. I don't go after straight dudes ... they are too much trouble.
When I overheard one of these women say to her man "Just don't even engage or act like you are flirting with these guys because they don't know their boundaries", well I went from thinking this travesty was tragic, to thinking that it is becoming downright insulting.
Most straight women who come into these gay clubs are either just hanging with their girls for a night of crazy dancing with a bunch of guys who they don't have to worry about impressing, or they are involved in a bachelorette party. I love when these women are around, because they know how to act when they are around the gay community in the club.
But when these desperate housewives (and I'm not saying all housewives who come in there are desperate or insulting) hang out in the club, don't insult the gay community by making snarky comments about us gay men being desperate enough to try to steal their husbands. Your man is probably not hot enough ... and as in this past weekend's occurrence, that statement is so on the money.
So women, please chill out and just relax! Enjoy the music, dancing and alcohol, and stop worrying that your man is going to be a gay man's next conquest. And straight guys, stop letting your wives, girlfriends and significant female companions treat you like you're property and drag you around the club like you are attached at the hip ... it makes you look whipped!
I love you all, now go out and party!
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