I'm back.
I took a break from my blog during the month of June because I actually needed a few weeks to figure out some things in my life, and if it was even worth writing about things in my life.
I know that people read my blog, and I get a lot of feedback - good and bad. But I was just feeling like I was venting about things that no one actually cared about or understood how it was feeling for me as a gay man trying to maneuver through life in the gay community.
It just seemed as if most gay men already had boyfriends, and the ones who didn't have one, they didn't want one anyway; they'd had enough of it and just wanted to play the field and have random hook-ups with random guys.
Then one of my friends posted on Facebook that he was getting tired of mixed signals and people should say what they mean and mean what they say. He was absolutely 100% correct. I so know how he feels, because in May, I'd had it with a majority of these gay men doing that to me.
So I guess I'm not alone in feeling that way. I wish there was a solution to get these men to just cut the crap and act like they are full-grown, mature men and not teen-aged schoolgirls who've just entered puberty and are all wishy-washy over relationships.
I mean, the gay community wants to come together and unite in a common goal - equality. In the process, I'd suggest that we work on humanity as well.
I, myself, know that I need a break from the community before something breaks inside of me. You know how you can feel yourself getting aggravated by people just when they say hello? Well that's where I am right now. Trying to maintain a little happiness right now while dealing with the gay community is putting me in a bad space.
I've found myself being very intolerable to people's stupid machinations in an attempt to get me upset. I know for most of these people, they just don't know any better and they are oblivious to the fact that they are doing it. But then again, sometimes I feel very naive in letting them do it also.
I'm not angry at these people ... I'm just losing patience with them. I know that being under the influence of alcohol is a very powerful aphrodisiac for some people. It's funny - that excuse (I had too much to drink; I'm sorry that I acted that way) is just getting old and tired in my book.
There's one guy who I'm friends with who has made the mistake of making out with me a couple of times while he was pretty intoxicated. Hey, I'm human, and I let him do it. He's cute - sue me. But after he'd done this for a few times, I got the point across to him that it might not be a good idea because I know that he doesn't mean it; vodka meant it.
So what happens the next time I run into him at Paradise - he sees me being very flirtatious with another guy and you'd think he'd just let me continue. But instead, he grabbed my arm and asked me to go to another part of the club with him. He didn't want to make out; he just didn't want me to make out with someone who he knew.
For the time being, I just keep my distance from this person. It's better this way - at least until things cool down and there's no chance of either of us making out while a little drunk.
But there are a couple of others who have been guilty of this, and I'm sorry, I'm just not the type of guy who wants to settle for one-nighters. Yes, I grew up in a different time and place. And unfortunately, I can't just turn that way of life on and off like a faucet.
I'll always be looking for something deeper and more meaningful. A lot of guys around here in the community don't want to deal with that anyway.
Someone was joking with me about my guardian angel putting up a forcefield around me when she knows that the wrong guy is in my personal space and trying to hit on me. I didn't take it too seriously when it was mentioned to me some time ago. But perhaps it's right on the money.
Perhaps I should start believing it, that I do have this certain guardian angel keeping the Mr. Wrongs away from me so I won't be taken when that certain Mr. Right comes along.
I believe; I believe.
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say really does make a difference!
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ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree more Eric. While we, as gay men are in a small gay community, we come together under the core belief in the power of equality and acceptance. At least, that's what always attracted me to living in Asbury Park. It was never really about being gay, but being amongst peers that accepted me for being different from the 'common' society. However, I now see that not everyone comes into that culture with the same intentions. Some see it as an opportunity to take advantage in a very physical way. Others see it as an excuse to act afool without having to own up to their own actions, because alcohol is abound and plenty.
ReplyDeleteAs I am approaching an elder status of the gay community I feel more and more responsible for the new and younger crowd that come in. I feel that we, as perhaps bad parents and managers do, sort of expect what the next generation should know how to act and think but perhaps those values weren't instilled in us. To guide and educate the incoming gay men. Use our leadership skills and influence them.
We have a responsibility, I feel to teach and guide the coming generation so that we don't come across the immature schoolgirl attitudes where men wont say what they mean.
But then again, haven't men always acted this way throughout history?