How are we supposed to feel when death comes knockin' at the door?

One of the most difficult issues facing all of us is life and death.
You are supposed to, as we have all been told over and over, conduct yourself in such a way that the life you live will pave way for the way you are remembered and cherished once you leave this Earth and take your place in the heavenly beyond (assuming you do believe in it).
But I guess I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot more recently, as a number of people in my life have passed away. And in my community, the LGBTQ community, once one of our own passes away, we remember them fondly and do whatever we can to make those left behind feel comfort and solace.
But what happens when one of our own passes away, and that person has not been the most, shall I say, pleasant for so many to deal with over the years? How do we treat this person after he or she passes away? Do we hold a benefit to make the expenses less trying for that person’s family? Do we gather together as a united front and remember that person’s life? Do we put something together to make that person’s death more bearable?
Or do we care at all?
These are some questions that have plagued a number of us in the community. Some don’t know how to feel, or whether to feel anything at all. For me, a very spiritual person who was once a member of the ministry, my thoughts are divided. And that makes it much worse.
When a person who has made life sometimes difficult for so many members of the community passes away suddenly, what are we supposed to do? What are some of us supposed to do with the grief we feel, perhaps not for the person, but for respecting the life of a person? We’ve always heard – or I’ve always been told – that everyone has a voice in this world, and it’s up to every one of us to make sure we do our best to make others feel love.
Right now, this is a difficult thing for me to comprehend. And I think that there are always a couple of handfuls of individuals who can successfully separate the good person from the bad person, especially when that person leaves this Earth.
And as I’ve mentioned to a few friends, dealing with a particular person’s death, and wondering what this person’s death means to us – the ones who loved him unconditionally; the ones who tried to reach out to him, and sometimes got their hands bit off; the ones who loved to hate him, and hated to love him; the ones who he betrayed without feeling any remorse until it was too late; the ones who he hurt so easily because he was hurting himself; the ones who he made to feel a little stupid for giving a damn about him; the ones who actually reached him and were able to get into his heart and understand the demons he faced daily – wondering what we all are to do now.
The religious person in me can only pray that this person has finally found peace. He has to answer for his actions now, on his own. And he must face what is coming.
I’ve told a few people that this would be one of the most difficult blogs to write because I’m right there with so many others, wondering what the hell we are supposed to do with all these odd emotions. To be truthful, there's a part of me that doesn't care - and that makes me feel a bit off because Mama didn't raise me to feel such things. Sure, many can joke that this queen is just a “Park Avenue Pollyanna” and I feel too deeply and emphatically for my own good, even when the person doesn't deserve an ounce of it.
But I guess I just want to make sure that the legacy I leave behind is something that people will actually treasure and honor the life I’ve lived. But just being a good kindhearted person doesn’t always cut it, sad to say. And I suppose I’ve been curious about others, and what you believe your legacy will be.
Have any of us really taken the time to think about our legacy? How many of us have hurt others, and haven’t taken the time as of yet to make amends? How many of us will go right out, immediately after reading these words, and hurt, disappoint or anger more people because we feel like it’s our right to do so? How many of us have taken a few moments out of our daily rituals to make life easier for another person, just for the mere enjoyment of doing it?
I was speaking with a couple of good friends the other day about this blog, about this person who passed away, about what we are supposed to do and the next step. One of them suggested a roast. I mean, that’s a great idea, because although this person wasn’t the most liked individual, there is a way to take the emotional toll this has taken on so many, and channel it in some way. And a roast, I’m sure most people would be able to speak their minds, let off some steam, and express – for better or for worse – what this person’s life and death means to them and others. We could donate the money to an LGBTQ organization that could put the funds to good use, and even perhaps use the funds to save someone’s livelihood.
This community has its members who are both good eggs and rotten tomatoes; in fact, some of us possess both traits. No one is all good. And no one is all bad. We take the good with the bad; that’s what makes us human.
I was watching an old episode of “Murphy Brown” the other day about one of Murphy’s rivals passing away, and she was forced to give the eulogy on someone who was disliked by 90 percent of the media industry. She tried to find the good in him, and when she found out the good in him was just misinformation and lies, she was still going to give a positive eulogy – unless the funeral attendees had something good to say about him themselves. No one had anything good to say, so Murphy gave a scorching, negative eulogy. Upon finishing, the priest read the deceased’s final letter, which said so many nice things about Murphy. With egg on her face, it was too late to say anything nice about him. I thought this was one of the funniest episodes ever written, because of the message it relayed. The message: That even though people can seem rotten to the core, there may be one tiny spec of good in there, too. Now I’m not saying that this stands true for everyone, but you never know.
I guess the final thought for me … my plan is to continue to leave a worthy legacy so I can rest easy.
What about you?