In the gay community, it's so difficult to grab and hold onto a relationship. So after taking some time off from any relationships, I'm ready to embark on a new one. Hell, I'm more than ready ... I'm exploding!
A departed queen from long ago has recently re-entered my life and is ready to rekindle a relationship with me. That's what he says he wants.
The last time, although we cared for each other, it just wasn't the right time for us to go full-steam ahead. I was ready, but I think he knew that although his heart was saying "take the plunge", his head was telling him to ignore the yield sign but not the stop sign. So he eventually told me that he knew I wasn't ready for the relationship.
I knew that he was right, but I didn't want to admit it. He knew that I had to experience all that the gay community had to throw at me - good and bad. So he let me go.
This was years ago. Since then, I had three other serious relationships. As I mentioned in past blogs, the first one was a struggle since he was an addict (and I was too naive to realize how tragic his situation really was) and I gave to much and received less than enough in return; the second one was a learning experience because I had to realize that giving 100 percent to a relationship while the other man is giving 25 percent, it's impossible to make it work; and the third relationship, well, I had to understand that some people really are dishonest about themselves right from the start of a relationship.
Looking back, I'm glad that I had the opportunity to learn these lessons because it has put me in the right position to love a man and let that man meet me half way. So for me, I'm more than ready for this relationship. I've put in my dues - and then some.
I have a fear nagging at my soul, though. I know that this man wants me, and I know this man cares about me and wants only the best for me. But my fear is that he will not have enough time to devote to making this relationship work. He insists that he will, but I've learned the hard way - actually from my parents - that when a man is enthralled in business and is a powerful executive in his dealings, that the other person ends up taking a backseat.
I'm sure this is just my fear of losing this man talking to my subconscious. I mean, if he wants to make this relationship finally work and he's in it for the long haul this time I should just forget my nagging feelings, right?
I've just always given 100 percent and have been disappointed in the past, every time in the past. So in my mind, I'm just thinking how can this time be any different? He's successful in business, but in relationships I think they have taken a backseat. I know that he wants so badly to change all that and focus on the relationship. But is that possible?
I really care about this man, and I've finally got a guy who wants to be with me - for better or worse.
I'm probably thinking too much. It wouldn't be the first time; I'm always too analytical. They do have a 12-step program for that, right?
In my world, we call this mind fucking. You are overthinking it. If you have this fear, then take it slow; there is nothing wrong with taking it slow! Don't expect it to start from where it left off. After all, this is a new and exciting beginning for you both. More importantly, share what you need out of a relationship with the person. Open communication is key.
ReplyDeleteLove always,
-G
Your mind can make it worse but it can also make it better. If this man cares about you but is very busy, take on passions of your own to fulfill you in the interim when he isn't around. Write your life story, watch movies, dabble in some hobby, whatev. :) I think balance is good.
ReplyDeleteI say this because I tend to be insecure when I don't spend a lot of time with my partner but looking back with perspective, I realize that if I were more invested in my own thing, I maybe would have been less lonely. And loneliness is my problem, not my mate's. I threw away some good stuff because I didn't realize that.
I also like the comment above about taking it slow.
love ya!
Hol