(*I wrote this blog post last week, but for some reason it was difficult to post. I'm still not quite sure why, but perhaps it will come to me later*)
I’m sure we’ve all been there. You know, doing something and then immediately regretting it. Sometimes you feel guilty or remorseful about an action, and then you inevitably beat yourself up for it over and over.
This is going to sound pretty odd for those people who know me pretty well, but I can’t lump myself into that category. Things I’ve done in the past since coming out, I rarely ever feel guilty, or remorseful, or regret. I’ve felt in a lot of ways that perhaps once I came out, my system was not programmed to have those feelings, you know those, the “I regret that moment” gene.
When it comes to any sort of affection, if I’ve participated, I never feel guilty or regret it. The only emotions of this sort that creep into my being is if the other participant harbors those feelings. I’m not saying that I’ve never felt those pangs of guilt over something, but growing up and spending about two-thirds of my life under the thumb of religion, perhaps I’ve been in a position to compartmentalize those feelings.
I don’t take those feelings away from anyone. People feel what they feel. That’s the human experience, and in a way, I feel some jealousy for those who are able to have those emotions. I rarely envy others, but when people intake those emotions, I wonder if I’m just not equipped for that.
I try never to let someone think I don’t understand when they express the emotions, because in my mind, it makes me think that I’m belittling them or their feelings. Trust me, I am an empathetic soul and would never let anyone think their feelings aren’t genuine. It’s just hard to understand why they beat themselves up over it.
I guess in the back of my mind, I’ve not let people know that I don’t regret or feel guilt over any sort of sexual indiscretion or displays of affection, perhaps stolen kisses … I thought others might think I’m a sociopath or something.
Don’t worry, I’m not a sociopath. I just spent almost three decades forced to keep any displays of affection – in the Biblical sense – out of sight, and it gets very overly-cautious. I had to spend all those years celibate for the religion, and I tell you, once you get the chance to break out and set yourself free, you learn pretty quickly that the emotion of guilt and regret over those indiscretions are overrated.
It’s so funny how I’ve learned as a gay man to separate guilt. Trust me – I do feel guilt, but not in relation to any sort of indiscretions where emotions are involved. You learn after living years not in a position to express joy in many acts, having to save yourself exclusively for one person, you definitely would take full advantage of being able to express yourself sexually.
Once I claimed my sexual preference and busted out of that closet, there was no stopping me. And it was a difficult process, leaving my religion behind (but remaining religious) and it took some time to put things in check for myself.
My therapist (yes, I do consult one from time to time) said something pretty funny to me – not funny hah hah, funny peculiar. He said that I do have feelings of guilt and regret, and I have those feelings because I don’t have feelings of guilt and regret. In a nutshell, I feel guilty because I don’t feel guilty over any sort of indiscretion; and coming from a world of religion, that’s just not possible. And yes, he could very well be correct.
When I do run into someone who I’ve had any sort of intimate experience with in the past, I never feel bad or guilty; I’m actually pleased to see them. I never feel awkwardness because we have shared something, in my book, ultimately special. So when I run into the person(s) and see that they may feel awkward or uncomfortable, I truly wish they wouldn’t feel that way because I, myself, don’t feel that way.
Growing up in the church, and having to hide away all those feelings and emotions, it gives a person a sort of rejuvenation when you no longer have to do so.
I guess the moral of this particular blog, to put it in its simplest form, is that no matter what happens with a person, it is okay to feel a sense of contentment and look on an indiscretion fondly. It was a learning experience about oneself, and there is no regret about taking heart in the knowledge that, for a moment in time, you took a chance on bringing satisfaction to your life in some way, shape or form.
Take advantage of these moments, people. Life, as we all know, is way too short and as long as we always try our best to enter the experience with both eyes wide open, we have no reason to feel guilt or pressure to regret.
So smile when you run into that person with whom you’ve shared a moment in time. Because as long as you’ve taken a little positive away with you from the experience, it’ll be alright.
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