It's like no time has passed. I was hoping that this weekend would throw me some positivity to outweigh the sadness. But just wishful thinking, I suppose. And as I've been told, I am the King of wishful thinking.
My mother meant the world to me, and I just couldn't help but remember, over and over, how my life changed so drastically when I received the phone call about Mama. She always had the knack for referring to me - wherever she went - as her baby. I was her youngest child, and she made sure I never forgot it. I used to dislike when she referred to me as "the baby", but to be honest, I loved it.
I guess to be honest with myself, I knew that I wasn't her favorite child. I knew which of my siblings held that distinctive honor, but I was okay with that fact for the most part. It hurt sometimes; there were times that I felt like I was not her favorite because I was gay. And although I didn't come out to my mother until about four years prior to her death, they say that mothers always know. So I just figured that she knew and kept it to herself.
This weekend was difficult for another reason as well. I was seeing a man who I really liked. I've mentioned him in my blog a few times before. I really needed to see him this past weekend. I've mentioned that he is very entrenched in running his company, and even though he gave me his word that a relationship would not take a back seat in his life, he couldn't keep his promise.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt, since this had happened before when we were a part of each others' lives. I believed that I wanted to make this work, enough for the both of us.
Despite my efforts to keep things going, I'm no longer seeing this man. And to be honest, these turn of events are kind of painful because I put my hopes into this person. It's so difficult to make things work in any relationship that I have. And I guess that it's something inside of me. I'm the common denominator, right?
Well this past weekend, I needed him. And I picked up the phone to contact him a few times. But I just couldn't make that call because I am just tired of chasing after a man.
I'm wondering today if I should have just made the call and asked if we could get together. It wasn't pride that stopped me from contacting him; it was fear.
I am very fearful that I would always be chasing after a man who just didn't want to be caught. And if that happens, I'd just be repeating my mistakes. Looking back, each of my previous relationships with men have been pretty much this scenario = Eric meets man, Eric pursues man, Eric catches man, Eric works hard to keep man in his life, Eric realizes that he's doing all the work and the other half of the relationship is just coasting through it, Eric ends the relationship because there are too many footprints on his back from the guy and he has too much pride, guy realizes Eric was too good to lose, Eric takes the guy back, and the cycle repeats itself for one more spin.
So I'm not giving the most recent man another opportunity to do this to me again because my Mama taught me better than that. She would be so disappointed if I gave this man another chance and just settled for "someone". So I'm going to make her proud and just continue the search for the man who won't make me jump through hoops.
So I suppose that Mama taught me well; at least I have finally learned my lesson. So Mama, I'll always love you, 'cause you are my favorite girl. Thanks for the life lessons and please continue to keep the bad guys away from me, even if it's from up above.
Hey hon, just wanted to give you a big hug on this painful anniversary. I have this vision that if our loved ones could talk to us when they're no longer here, they would say all that petty material stuff doesn't matter anymore now that they "get" it -- now that they're above all that. I am sure she is shining with love and pride for you now. You are a wonderful, large-hearted, kind person who makes people laugh and deserves the world. There is no limit on the value you bring to those around you. Know how very loved and appreciated you are.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the disappointment too. I've been trying to embody the philosophy "don't treat anyone as a priority if you're only their option" -- this means match them in terms of effort and investment. I noticed I hurt less when I invest less (I used to not know how to invest anything less than all). But matching their effort has allowed me to save part of my heart and feel more emotionally in control, which is more important than I realized. I also have a sense of resignation which is kinda new -- I say to myself "well, universe, you can do with this what you will, because I cannot affect the outcome." Maybe this is why people have that cliche "if it's meant to be it'll be." I too want to feel settled. I'm starting to finally get a little of that within. Dance, write and create -- these things seem to be the roads to that sense of feeling settled. (Are we there yet? -- my brain keeps asking!! haha)
Big hug. Mrs. Dubolina