I am at a crossroads in my life. And I owe it all to this past week's National Coming Out Day.
The day holds special meaning to so many people - in and out of the gay community. It's the day that all individuals in the gay community can reflect, celebrate and honor the struggles that we've endured, and cheer us on for making it safely to the other side.
Not many people know my "Coming Out" story. I guess it just didn't seem like something I wanted to reflect upon too much.
But as the past few weeks have come and went, it seems that my mind has been struggling to reflect on the struggles. I made a few mistakes in my move to come out and acknowledge my sexual orientation. Actually, one very special individual in my life - my God - hasn't been given the respect that is deserved. I need to do that now, as I feel that things in my life call for it - now more than ever.
Before I acknowledged being gay, I was an extremely religious person. I wanted to make my way into the ministry. I was a Deacon, devout church member, youth advisor ... to sum it up, I lived for the church. It was my life.
I'm not going to go into the details of what transpired when I decided to be true to myself. At the time, I felt as if I had to make a definite choice - devoting my life to my church, or living my life by living for my sexual orientation. I went through such turmoil and strife, and when I was told to make a choice, I chose to be true to myself and live my life as a gay man.
I never wanted to give up my religion and beliefs in order to be happy ... I was happy in the church. But it just wasn't something that was allowed, so I moved away from devoting my life to the church and moved toward exploring my new life as a gay man.
But over time, that choice has been more difficult to understand. Deep down, I knew that I could very well be gay and religious. But for a few reasons (which I'm not in a position to revel at this time), in the church, this was not allowed. So I made the move.
But even though I knew that if I stayed in the church environment that people would treat me differently, I guess it has surprised me that even in the gay community, there are people who treat me different as well. That's just something I never thought would be a reality.
Trying to reconcile my religion with being gay and all that being gay entails has been trying at times. When there are people who know you so well, but can sense - for whatever reason - that they have to curb their actions in my presence, it makes me feel like I'm a minister and they are in the confessional, showing me their sins.
I truly wish that I, sometimes, didn't feel like that. But as time goes by, the look on some faces becomes just too much to take. Sometimes I just blow it off, but when it comes up, what am I to say? I can't help how I grew up, and truth be told, I wouldn't change anything about the way I grew up.
A fact no one knows about me: I became a devout member of the church as an escape from my family life. I love every member of my family and would lay down my life for any one of them, but my parents never talked. Instead of talking, they argued - every single day of my life. They never got along, and there were deep-seated reasons why this was the case. That's another thing I will discuss at a later date - at this point, I'm not ready to delve into that and share with the public.
But anyway, my constant struggles to not be a prude or too regal while hanging in the gay community is more of a tightwalk than anyone realizes. Sometimes I want to break free and act just like everyone else - and sometimes I do. But when you've lived, truly gave all your heart, to the church, merging that with being a gay man is disheartening sometimes.
And when you've known you were gay for three decades, and you've been in the church community for three decades - most times overlapping, it's hard to figure out how to handle life.
That's what I need to do - figure out what the next move will be. I want to avoid holding back any person in my life from being able to be themselves around me, and in the same breath, when a person points this out, it makes me feel a little less-than.
To sum it up, I'm just looking for a sign. Just a sign.
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