I know fear of rejection and being gay are two things that usually don't go together. Well, for the most part.
I mean, some people think that all of us gays are just bold, brash and pick up each other with the swiftness. None of us are shy creatures, afraid of being rejected. Hell, we acquaint a "hello" as foreplay. At least that's what some people think. And looking around within the community sometimes, I may agree with them.
But that is a category that I rarely fall into. I'm very shy sometimes, almost awkwardly so. I'm always in fear of being rejected. Vulnerability sucks sometimes.
Despite my fear, I decided to just let loose and go after what I want. Of course, the object of my "desire" was a guy who I've grown used to being around. We hang out when we see each other, usually at Club Paradise. Well, to be honest, we do a little more than hang out. There's usually some making out. It's just become a staple with the two of us.
To that end, I've enjoyed the fact that we can make out with one another and still keep it above-board. It was just enjoying each other's company and having some fun. I was fine with that because I really didn't think he'd ever have any desire to take it to the next level.
I never had to worry about a fear of rejection from this guy because we were just two guys flirting, making out and hanging.
But then, a couple of people who I know pretty well, and who know me pretty well, commented that we "hang out" a lot and it's noticed. Since they know me, and know how I'm not the type of guy to just make out with a guy who I didn't have any feelings for, I started to see how they were pretty accurate in their assessments. But I never took any action.
Then I wondered if I should think about taking it to the next level. But my fear came in when my mind started to think, "hey, maybe this guy only makes out with me when we are both drinking heavily ..." So fear of rejection kept me from seeing if we should advance to the next level.
So you can imagine my surprise when, as we are "hanging out" most recently, he actually brought up the subject of getting together and getting to know each other away from the Paradise scene. Of course I agreed, since I wanted to get to know him better also. It could actually lead somewhere, who knew?
I'd felt pretty stupid for letting a fear of rejection hold me hostage. I was criticizing my shy self for putting up barriers. I mean, I'm a good guy, may even be a good catch for the right man. Why had I been doubting myself?
So just to confirm the plan, I sent him a text. No response.
As the day went by with no reply, I thought perhaps I had the wrong number. But after checking, I realized that I did have the right number. So it wasn't that.
And as the time has already passed, it's pretty evident that he didn't want to get together in a sober setting. Or maybe he second-guessed his decision and couldn't bring himself to contact me.
See, this wouldn't be bad to most people. Some people don't care about things like this happening; they chalk it up to experience and just move on to the next guy.
And that would be fine. But I'm not made up that way, as I've grown up in a different environment than others. I've not gone into much detail with too many people about the way I grew up, especially in regards to my "destiny" and where my life was supposed to go.
I had turned my back on my "destiny" when I made the tough decision to live my life being true to myself, and coming out of the closet. My religion and my ministry - as it were - didn't leave any room for Eric being a gay man.
Anyway, I will go into more detail about all of this in a later blog post. But for the case right before us, I will simply say that when I made my decision years ago, it was determined by my elders that I would never have a successful life with another man. So every time I have a false start with a man (and trust me, there have been a heck of a lot ... too many to mention), my thoughts immediately go to that determination.
So the fear of rejection, as it is, would turn out to be the least of my worries. I'd gotten past the rejection stage, or so I thought. I figured that if I could get past the rejection stage, my opportunities would take a turn for the better. Hey, I may just have success and that determination would finally be a thing of the past.
I've only said this to a couple of people, but I was getting scared that I would be alone because of the choice I made years ago. So maybe I put too much emphasis on this latest situation. I mean, hey, people say a lot of things when they are in a drunken situation and in the throes of the moment, things they may not really mean to say or do.
But I think it worried my sis when I told her, and I didn't say that I was upset or angry ... I had used the word "disillusioned". I think that word held a lot of weight, because when a person is disillusioned with a situation, a person or a choice, a part of their spirit has taken a beating.
I guess to be honest, my spirit has taken a beating. People sometimes joke with me that no matter what, I continually see romance and relations as this grand dame of life, that soulmates and true love do exist as long as we want it to happen. I just knew that I'd always be a Pollyanna about romance.
Well Pollyanna is looking at things a little differently today. That's been a fear of mine as well, that I'd lose that spirit about me and that I'd soon regret my decision years ago.
I don't want to lose that spirit. For some of us, that's all we really have.
I don't want to be cynical, because, in the long run, I put too much on the line to lose now.
I don't want to lose now.
No comments:
Post a Comment